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Honesty concerning lifesavers and cough drops

Friday, June 21, 2013

There are individually wrapped lifesavers at the reception desk in my new building. I only have "just one." But then, I pass again. and grab two...and then, sad to say...three. I haven't really thought to track these until today. I had about 10 today -- and I didn't really count.

Then there's the matter of small cough drops. Not candy, really, but I eat them throughout weekly time I spend talking with my priest. Today, ah, perhaps about ten.

So, tonight I tracked these and wint-o-green lifesavers and they are about 35 for 4 and those small cough drops appear to be 15 a piece. So, being more honest tonight, I tracked 85 for those lifesavers and 150 for the cough drops. Wow. 235 un necessary and unhealthy calories.

This brings home the idea of tracking everything I eat.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MMMMMM4 6/23/2013 2:42AM

    It is amazing how these calories add up.
Congrats for being honest with yourself. emoticon

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MOTHEPRO 6/22/2013 8:51AM

    It's surprising how many calories we consume with "just one of these" or "a bite or two of that". Good for you for tracking them.

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NELLJONES 6/22/2013 7:55AM

    Even sugar free hard candies have calories. Might be worth it if you actually have a sore throat or a cough, but otherwise, I guess not.

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CHERYL_ANNE 6/22/2013 6:52AM

    ... tracked these and wint-o-green lifesavers are about 35 for 4...

The actual caloric value is: 60 calories, 15g total carb, and 14g sugar for 4 pieces ...
yes, each little Lifesaver (the 3 mint ones) is 15 calories a piece!

Really makes you think... !

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HONOURIA 6/22/2013 2:20AM

    LOL - this is a cheerful blog for a change. (I read a lot of uncheerful ones; crisis ones...etc.)

Good for you on tracking these. Great visuals too emoticon

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KMRJPR 6/22/2013 12:29AM

    Isn't that awful?.....but I liked your blog! Great reminder for all of us to really check out what we put into our bodies.

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Another Canticle from Morning Prayer; Ecce, Deus

Monday, June 17, 2013

Morning Prayer gives me direction for the day and orients me to God. The Canticle generally used for Mondays is Ecce, Deus, from Isaiah; I have posted it just below. I have always especially loved the first verse: "Surely, it is God who saves me; I will trust in him and not be afraid." For me, there is so much power in claiming these words. I am set firmly on my feet, by faith, knowing my help and salvation (for this moment, for this day) is from God and God alone. And next, then, is my response to God; that I will, in fact, trust him and do my best to dispel fear.


(Walker, Diane. Seen through the Cross, http://ecva.org/exhibition/JesusOurBrother
/25DianeWalkerJOB.htm)


Canticle 9 (Monday Mornings)
The First Song of Isaiah (Isaiah 12:2-6)
Ecce, Deus

Surely, it is God who saves me; *
I will trust in him and not be afraid.
For the Lord is my stronghold and my sure defense, *
and he will be my Savior.
Therefore you shall draw water with rejoicing *
from the springs of salvation.
And on that day you shall say, *
Give thanks to the Lord and call upon his Name;
Make his deeds known among the peoples; *
see that they remember that his Name is exalted.
Sing the praises of the Lord, for he has done great things, *
and this is known in all the world.
Cry aloud, inhabitants of Zion, ring out your joy, *
for the great one in the midst of you is the Holy One of Israel.
Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit
as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be for ever. Amen.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANA2PRINCESSES 6/18/2013 7:36AM

    One of my favorite passages, thanks for sharing.

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HONOURIA 6/17/2013 8:07PM

    This is a beautiful blog. The art enhances it perfectly. Lovely.

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ALICIA214 6/17/2013 1:14PM

 


That is beautiful Thank you!!

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Quaerite Dominum - Canticle for the Day

Friday, June 14, 2013

Canticle 10 The Second Song of Isaiah
Quaerite Dominum Isaiah 55:6-11

Seek the Lord while he wills to be found; *
call upon him when he draws near.
Let the wicked forsake their ways *
and the evil ones their thoughts;

And let them turn to the Lord,
and he will have compassion, *
and to our God, for he will richly pardon.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, *
nor your ways my ways, says the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, *
so are my ways higher than your ways,
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For as rain and snow fall from the heavens *
and return not again, but water the earth,

Bringing forth life and giving growth, *
seed for sowing and bread for eating,

So is my word that goes forth from my mouth; *
it will not return to me empty;

But it will accomplish that which I have purposed, *
and prosper in that for which I sent it.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit
as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be for ever. Amen.

(Book of Common Prayer, 1979)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PEGGYO 6/14/2013 2:25PM

    thanks

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HONOURIA 6/14/2013 12:02PM

    Don't I just love those canticles from the Book of Common Prayer - with the subtitles in Latin. They are endearing.

This psalm from Isaiah is really rather beautiful. Thank you for posting it.

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A new awareness

Monday, June 10, 2013

I am beginning to accept some relationships the way they are instead of how I wish they would be. This takes so much energy and I am tired. I also see that as I do this "honest emotional work" I have food in its place. I am having, in fact, to plan to get enough calories.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MADEIT3 6/12/2013 2:44PM

    Good for you - amazing how little interest food has once you start dealing with the emotions. When I think about it, I am actually tired of eating.

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JEANNE229 6/12/2013 9:14AM

    Good work.

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HONOURIA 6/11/2013 11:49AM

    Yes, when the dross is removed, then you can see. The fact that you can feel the pain shows your growth, for if you could not feel the pain, your self would keep you from seeing. Do you understand?

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MOTHEPRO 6/11/2013 9:27AM

    Yes, it's surprising how draining that can be. Good for you for accepting things as they are.
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Comment edited on: 6/11/2013 9:27:25 AM

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CHERYL_ANNE 6/11/2013 7:32AM

    It's interesting how sometimes when we're doing the "honest emotional work" we need to do to help us become the healthiest we can be, we are also disassociating those feelings with food because we no longer need to use food to comfort ourselves against experiencing those feelings.

Our minds are incredibly powerful and we can talk ourselves into and out of things so easily we don't even realize the power we possess.

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BJUMPINGFORJOY 6/10/2013 10:16PM

    Sounds like a good plan to get more calories in as long as it is not over. It is a balancing act to get the right nutrition.

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One thing I have to do is to grieve.....

Saturday, June 08, 2013

...................I've been avoiding this for a long time. My mother doesn't really love me.
I'll be 61 soon, and I've tried for most of my life to find approval from her. It was a complicated family and I am the oldest one and the parentified child, as it were. Some would say co-mother and now seen as rival. But I've only recently begun to see this. And to feel this.

I've spent a lot of time wanting what I couldn't have.
*Love from my mother
*Approval from my mother
*For my mother to ask one question about my life -- or at least not to cut me off if I say, in "check in" conversations with her, one thing about my work life update or my husband, or my children...and we're all good people. This is as I hear minutia about my brother....she doesn't talk about my sister at all.

I don't even think I have an imagination to know what it would have been like to depend on her for anything. I just tried to make her happy -- which didn't work, of course. And I tried to take care of the kids (my younger brother and sisters) for which I believe there are no external rewards now. I mean, no recognition, approval, regard, thank yous.

You know, I would do it again, of course. I was the oldest in a very ill family and I took care of the kids and tried to be "human shield" between each of my toxic parents in order to protect my sisters and my brother. From abuse. From shaming. From neglect. From really horrible trauma.
My priest advises I might see all of this as a prayer. I kind of was aware of this at the time and become more clear now about what I gave up for this. I mean, I think I went into "my cage" (see previous blog entry) at that time. Both rather dissocated from myself and also gave up social relationships with friends -- because I had to be home.... In fact, my brother and sisters had friends, but really, I was home to make sure my dad didn't abuse them and to make dinner and to offer some sense of normalcy. I did give up so much.

I became like a third parent. And while they depended on me decades ago, the aftermath, for the most part, has been a strained relationship. I'm not really a sister by history. And they don't see clearly the trauma. My younger of the two sisters committed suicide about 20 years ago --- she saw it. My other sister and I had some serious talks and a growing good relationship some years ago, but this closeness did not last. I am beyond belief sad about this... and I miss her so much.

It took me a long time to see that I was being scapegoated after my sister died and my father died. My husband saw it. My young adult children saw it. My priest saw it. A colleague and friend who I "let in" saw it. But I could hardly see it or accept it. I am still so very very sad about it. I thought I was bad. I so deeply thought I was bad. When I acted in a small way to change it and to take care of myself -- I was blamed by all of them. I could hardly believe it and while I have come to see it some, it is still so hard for me.

Taking care of myself means facing all of these losses and this pain and moving on. Its hard to really give up the idea/sense that I am bad and that this is all my fault.

To come back to the beginning, maybe I need to see that it has been *me* who doesn't love me. I have not been true to myself and have been "looking for love in all the wrong places." I do know about trauma, scapegoating, and families. I do objectively know that when one begins to take care of oneself, the hurt and ill family of origin doesn't necessarily stand up and applaud.
And yet, this is what I have wanted, and this is irrational, at the head level.

And really, taking care of myself and believing I am worth it, is a sort of declaration to myself that I am worth it...and it is a very different process than all of the beliefs I had as a child and young adult and all of the energy I put into procuring affirmations from people who were either abusive or caught in their own wounds.

Love is the answer. The answer is a spiritual one and for me that means I follow Jesus. I need to begin with knowing that I am cherished and loved and that I need to love myself, let go of pain, and forgive myself and others.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HONOURIA 6/11/2013 11:47AM

    Hello my sister in Christ. You are the first person to write about what has been my life walk. Know that it is not you, that you have a profound ability to love, and far from being bad, you are most excellent. Do not look to an abusive family for validation of your worthe or value. It will never come, because they lack that ability.

It has been 13 years since I faced what you are facing now. It is painful, and it will always be there as a pain. But it is far better that you face this now than it would be if you kept banging your head against a brick wall looking for love from a stone.

It never ceases to amaze me that sometimes in the rockiest soil comes a bloom so precious and so beautiful that it defies the laws of nature. Blessed are you for the sacrificial love you have given to this family. For that is what it has been. Now - take that love and apply it to yourself, for you need to stop allowing them to abuse you.

You will have to make your own decisions about how to deal with this. I have, and have not regretted it. It has kept me sane. God bless you as you make choices to protect yourself. I honour you.
honouria

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MADEIT3 6/8/2013 8:06PM

    You have a lot of courage!!

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JEANNE229 6/8/2013 4:14PM

    What a brave blog...how courageous to put yourself out there, and believe me, this is the first step in healing your heart. There is nothing wrong with you, and family does not have to be related by blood (although you have your own children/husband in life to help with the weak moments).

Your heart is so tender. I wish I knew you better. I'd have been proud to have you as a sister.

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WOMANWITHGRIT 6/8/2013 3:01PM

    Well, MOTHEPRO, thank you again. Very. Much.

Comment edited on: 6/8/2013 9:03:32 PM

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MOTHEPRO 6/8/2013 2:12PM

    emoticon

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