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One thing I have to do is to grieve.....

Saturday, June 08, 2013

...................I've been avoiding this for a long time. My mother doesn't really love me.
I'll be 61 soon, and I've tried for most of my life to find approval from her. It was a complicated family and I am the oldest one and the parentified child, as it were. Some would say co-mother and now seen as rival. But I've only recently begun to see this. And to feel this.

I've spent a lot of time wanting what I couldn't have.
*Love from my mother
*Approval from my mother
*For my mother to ask one question about my life -- or at least not to cut me off if I say, in "check in" conversations with her, one thing about my work life update or my husband, or my children...and we're all good people. This is as I hear minutia about my brother....she doesn't talk about my sister at all.

I don't even think I have an imagination to know what it would have been like to depend on her for anything. I just tried to make her happy -- which didn't work, of course. And I tried to take care of the kids (my younger brother and sisters) for which I believe there are no external rewards now. I mean, no recognition, approval, regard, thank yous.

You know, I would do it again, of course. I was the oldest in a very ill family and I took care of the kids and tried to be "human shield" between each of my toxic parents in order to protect my sisters and my brother. From abuse. From shaming. From neglect. From really horrible trauma.
My priest advises I might see all of this as a prayer. I kind of was aware of this at the time and become more clear now about what I gave up for this. I mean, I think I went into "my cage" (see previous blog entry) at that time. Both rather dissocated from myself and also gave up social relationships with friends -- because I had to be home.... In fact, my brother and sisters had friends, but really, I was home to make sure my dad didn't abuse them and to make dinner and to offer some sense of normalcy. I did give up so much.

I became like a third parent. And while they depended on me decades ago, the aftermath, for the most part, has been a strained relationship. I'm not really a sister by history. And they don't see clearly the trauma. My younger of the two sisters committed suicide about 20 years ago --- she saw it. My other sister and I had some serious talks and a growing good relationship some years ago, but this closeness did not last. I am beyond belief sad about this... and I miss her so much.

It took me a long time to see that I was being scapegoated after my sister died and my father died. My husband saw it. My young adult children saw it. My priest saw it. A colleague and friend who I "let in" saw it. But I could hardly see it or accept it. I am still so very very sad about it. I thought I was bad. I so deeply thought I was bad. When I acted in a small way to change it and to take care of myself -- I was blamed by all of them. I could hardly believe it and while I have come to see it some, it is still so hard for me.

Taking care of myself means facing all of these losses and this pain and moving on. Its hard to really give up the idea/sense that I am bad and that this is all my fault.

To come back to the beginning, maybe I need to see that it has been *me* who doesn't love me. I have not been true to myself and have been "looking for love in all the wrong places." I do know about trauma, scapegoating, and families. I do objectively know that when one begins to take care of oneself, the hurt and ill family of origin doesn't necessarily stand up and applaud.
And yet, this is what I have wanted, and this is irrational, at the head level.

And really, taking care of myself and believing I am worth it, is a sort of declaration to myself that I am worth it...and it is a very different process than all of the beliefs I had as a child and young adult and all of the energy I put into procuring affirmations from people who were either abusive or caught in their own wounds.

Love is the answer. The answer is a spiritual one and for me that means I follow Jesus. I need to begin with knowing that I am cherished and loved and that I need to love myself, let go of pain, and forgive myself and others.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HONOURIA 6/11/2013 11:47AM

    Hello my sister in Christ. You are the first person to write about what has been my life walk. Know that it is not you, that you have a profound ability to love, and far from being bad, you are most excellent. Do not look to an abusive family for validation of your worthe or value. It will never come, because they lack that ability.

It has been 13 years since I faced what you are facing now. It is painful, and it will always be there as a pain. But it is far better that you face this now than it would be if you kept banging your head against a brick wall looking for love from a stone.

It never ceases to amaze me that sometimes in the rockiest soil comes a bloom so precious and so beautiful that it defies the laws of nature. Blessed are you for the sacrificial love you have given to this family. For that is what it has been. Now - take that love and apply it to yourself, for you need to stop allowing them to abuse you.

You will have to make your own decisions about how to deal with this. I have, and have not regretted it. It has kept me sane. God bless you as you make choices to protect yourself. I honour you.

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MADEIT3 6/8/2013 8:06PM

    You have a lot of courage!!

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JEANNE229 6/8/2013 4:14PM

    What a brave blog...how courageous to put yourself out there, and believe me, this is the first step in healing your heart. There is nothing wrong with you, and family does not have to be related by blood (although you have your own children/husband in life to help with the weak moments).

Your heart is so tender. I wish I knew you better. I'd have been proud to have you as a sister.

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    Well, MOTHEPRO, thank you again. Very. Much.

Comment edited on: 6/8/2013 9:03:32 PM

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MOTHEPRO 6/8/2013 2:12PM


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More than Numbers

Saturday, June 08, 2013

I just watched Chris Downie (aka SparkGuy) talk about the difference between lifestyle changes and diet. Now I know all of this and really, I am after a lifestyle change, but what he said in this 5 or so minute blurb really oriented me to the larger picture again -- which I needed today. Yes, the weight I carry and the relationship I have had with food and with my body are not the Primary Problem. They are the results of other problems. The changes I need to make are not really just a numbers game -- fewer calories and pounds. I need to relate to myself differently and to other people and to food differently. In fact, as I look over my life, I have been so hyper focused on the need to lose weight or shame about how or who I have been that I haven't even had a vision for establishing other goals or living my life more fully....I rather put myself in a cage of my own "fat." Its all circular and for a long time I couldn't find a way out. And of course, in earlier times when I did lose weight, I didn't necessarily change my perspectives and relationship with myself and others and so I ultimately returned to the ugly safety of this self made cage.

I have stepped out of the cage now and I am seeing so much more clearly what is real. Every day I need to track my food for honesty's sake. I am doing that. I need to develop a kinder relationship with my body -- and this is a challenge. I started at 280 and now weigh 273.6. I guess that's okay. I have a fitbit now and am tracking my steps and overall activity and calories spent. But I still am so unfriendly to my body -- this cage of sorts. The weight and any extra calories I eat are results of this very poor relationship I have had with myself.

What are my goals? To honor myself. To love myself as I am today. To take extreme care of myself as best as I am able. To take risks for myself and to face what I am afraid of. I want to reach 150. I want my knees not to hurt. I want to feel good in my body. I want to be more active. I want to feel safe. I am afraid to exercise and I don't really know why.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Thank you for your encouragement. Much appreciated.

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MOTHEPRO 6/8/2013 2:03PM

    You're doing great! You're on the right path, just stay consistent. It took me a long time to realize I'm my own best friend. I'm still working on loving myself, but I know I'll get there sooner rather than later.

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Monday, May 27, 2013

Quite excited here! I just ordered a FitBit Zip. It will be here on the 30th and I cannot wait to sync it with SP. Thanks MOTHEPRO for your comments. emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHERICAN 5/27/2013 9:20AM

    You will love it!

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MOTHEPRO 5/27/2013 9:03AM

    emoticon I'm sure you'll love it!

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MSKRIS7 5/27/2013 8:54AM


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CHELEPENA 5/27/2013 12:54AM


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Moderation in Fitness

Sunday, May 26, 2013

I just ran through my coaching session on Moderation. I'm much farther on a healthy path with tracking food than I am with fitness. I have such an incredible negative attitude about this. I tried to start a Streak and did not continue. I dig my heels in - how immature. I just don't want to. Actually, I am scared. Scared to feel better. Scared to feel alive. Scared to move. Scared to feel good in my body. Scared to have a body. Scared of my sexuality. Whoa. I think this is true. And I'm not sure how to deal with this.
Also, I then have to really look at how very fat I am.....
And, then also, I have knee pain (surprise! 60 years old and carrying this much weight) and I am embarrassed and I hurt unless I take Ibuprofen. And I don't want to take this all the time. It is true, that, last summer, when I worked with a coach I did, after a while feel stronger and my knees felt better. I am not my own best friend in being motivated or taking myself to a better place. This is about as honest as I can be.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOTHEPRO 5/26/2013 11:47PM

    I admire your honesty. I'm scared of a lot of those same things. I don't know if I could admit that though, to myself or other people.

When one streak ends, it just means you get to start another one. Remember how good it felt when you were moving last summer. You can feel that way again. Keep trying different things to find something you like. Try turning on the radio and dancing in your living room. No one has to see. This is your time to do something good for yourself. If you feel silly dancing, just walk the length of the room or march in place. If your knees are hurting, try one of SparkPeople's seated workout videos.


I like to exercise in the morning. It helps me to know it's over and done, then I can relax for the rest of the day and not feel guilty that I should be exercising instead of relaxing.

Don't give up! I know you can do this!
emoticon emoticon

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    Dear Womanwithgrit,
I think you sound like a motivated person and an intelligent one. Have you ever considered something that doesn't seem like exercise (for me, its water walking with friends or in the morning when I ride my stationary bike -- it helps my knees -- mine have been replaced)? That helps me feel less stressed and fools me into doing more exercise!! Just a thought!!
In the meantime, I wish you the best of success!!
sincerely, Riisa

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First Streak

Saturday, May 18, 2013

I'm ready. Its a small step and I've been putting it off. I've been scared, and oh, I don't know what else. *But* I am starting a STREAK today for the next 30 days.....a minimum of 10 minutes a day of exercise. That's doable. It's time. I'm excited. I'll post my progress.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOTHEPRO 5/18/2013 11:45PM


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RAPUNZEL53 5/18/2013 11:21PM

  Good Luck!

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