Monday, October 20, 2014
I'm trying to show up here again. I'm easily overwhelmed these days. So, I know I must set goals in the midst of this. Tonight, I have some personal and professional computer work to do. All this week, I need to work hard to get a project PPT done by next Monday, and I have a busy teaching schedule with some extra events.
In the old days, my silent message-to-self would be: "well, what to do but, eat! I'll start a DIET next week!"
Not the way to go! Today, now, I can track my eggplant supper with brown rice and guess how many calories that oversized bran muffin had.
I have right now. I have this moment.
I know some people who do not need to be so disciplined in their lives. I just don't think I'm one of them.
Self Management in one area carries over into other areas.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
I've been practicing this, and its not how I want to live.
Today, I will be present and intentional. Tracking.
Good to be back!
Monday, September 08, 2014
I'm looking forward to a holiday at Thanksgiving....my younger son and I are headed to Monterey, CA to spend time with my older son, who is studying at the Defense Language Institute, as an Arabic Linguist.
I found a great little rental home, not far from the Presidio and walking distance to the Bay. Below, a pic from the Monterey Aquarium.
I have been rather stuck in self pity and grieving the past. I guess I am learning to turn around more often and move forward - in caring for myself.
Really, I need more practice at it.
Discerning what I want to do, and who *I* want to be. Now. And to build relationships now with my sons -- as young adults. I'm working at not having many expectations, except that I am present to the day and be grateful for time together -- allowing honest space for all of us as we grow and a recover from a really difficult year - really last few years.
I so much need to cut my ties with my painful past and to move forward. I have many days between now and the trip to Monterey, to do this.
What do *I* need to do today? What do *I* need to do to take care of myself today? How do *I* feel and then also, how do *I* want to behave? How do *I* want to demonstrate compassion -- both to myself and to those around me that I love? What do *I* need to cut out of my life? How can I treat myself better? Etc.
Learning to be responsible for myself.
Learning about boundaries and emotional honesty.
Learning about accepting what I cannot change.
Learning about acknowledging and letting go of a painful past - that I was really late in seeing and understanding.
Learning to listen to all parts of myself in ways I have not done yet.
Learning to acknowledge and take care of those needs from a central part of myself, that is becoming stronger.
Wednesday, September 03, 2014
Just an acknowledgement here. I haven't had a scale victory -- I've had many other victories -- but no weight loss. I am at 254. So, I'm glad for the 34 pounds and all of the healthy changes I've made. I'll have to change it up, exercise consistently -- I fall back on this - and its probably the key. . .I*know* its the key.
Monday, August 18, 2014
It's a round table. Beautifully set, with lovely linen napkins and shining silverware. I'm mostly aware of the napkins and silver -- but the rest of the picture includes beautiful china, on chargers, a tablecloth, and fresh flowers in shades of white and light green -- including lilies, hydrangea, and roses. Perhaps the roses would be a deep burgundy.
The food is not on the table. Its the place setting and the beauty of the arrangement that is critical.
There is a place at this table for each part of me --- all my thoughts, developmental orphans, my body, and those body parts of myself that I do not always like to own. Feelings and needs that I have marginalized. Sassy parts. Hurt parts. Scared parts, of course. Courageous and strong parts.
No more hiding. Or circuitous attempts to get my needs met.
"Everyone" is welcome at this (my) table. No one will be left out and everyone will get what they need.
I've been preparing a long time. Not so long ago I couldn't even imagine that I would want to do this or be so welcoming to all of myself.
Like, wow. Long way to go. I'm sure there will be table talk . . . .
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