Tuesday, October 20, 2009
After this weekend I developed a little bump on my cheek from a spider bite "kiss". At first I thought it was just a blemish, but it doesn't look or feel the same. I don't normally get spider bites, so it feels new and strange. When I exercise, or shower, or just for no reason at all I get a pinching little electric jolt from it. Besides that and the occasional pain when I brush against it, I don't really notice.
My recent weight loss is like that too.
After suddenly dropping the last 10+ pounds, I've been increasingly anxious about my weight and my size (for some reason the previous 120 pounds didn't faze me). But for the first time my "small clothes", clothes that I recently received from friends, that were tight, or too small, are starting to show signs that they're too big. It's not a huge difference, maybe half an inch around my waist, etc. (I need to take new measurements.) So I don't notice it all the time. But I'll catch my reflection in a window while doing laundry and be surprised at how I look.
The most surprising part of it is that, like the spider bite, it's new and different, and usually uncomfortable. A little jolt. A little fear. (When did the spider bite me? What's going to happen next?) I am now around the size I was when I graduated high school. I wear size 16 in Torrid dresses, somewhere between an XL to 14/16 in tops and 18/20 in pants (maybe? I'll have to figure that part out). I'm differently proportioned than I was, but I'm more happy with my shape now than I was then.
My friends on Facebook have been very complimentary about new photos I post (much to the thanks of the "help" from my SparkPeople friends. LOL!! I do believe that because of their encouragement, it makes it easier for friends that see me all the time to chime in. Or is that me dismissing part of the compliments?) My husband's two best high school friends are saying things to him like, "Jocelyn is looking really good. We're really proud of her." and "Sorry, but your wife is smokin' hot. Hope me saying so doesn't upset you, but she is smokin' hot! Tell your smokin' hot wife I said 'Hi'." And a long lost friend that I recently found says that I look the same as the last time he saw me (when I was 17). While this attention makes me feel good, I'm also a little worried. I have never walked around as an adult woman at a "normal" or "average" size (I'm thinking size 12). I'm completely unprepared, because of my lack of experience, for how others might behave toward me. I feel the trepidation of a teenager contemplating college, travel, and Life; gazing out onto the vast field of "THE FUTURE" in awe.
So everything after this, because I know that I will continue, is completely UNCHARTED TERRITORY. And like the variety of pictures that you'll find on Flickr with the "Sail" tag ( www.flickr.com/photos/tags/sail/inte
resting/?page=6 ), it holds promise, danger, adventure, smooth and rough seas. I'm trying to remember that I am still the captain, for better or worse. I will navigate as well as I possibly can. I hope to find many beautiful stretches of perfection.
(Here I wanted to use an image from Nejdet Duzen's Flickr page, but he asks that no one use it. Check out his photostream instead: www.flickr.com/photos/nejdetduzen/ )
Spider image used under ShareAlike license from Matthew Fang's Flickr account: www.flickr.com/photos/matthewfch/
(New pictures of me soon.)
Friday, October 16, 2009
(Picture from September)
Just a quick note: During last week at Zumba class I was dancing my pants off - literally!! To be fair, there was an extra amount of jumping and shimmying in the routines, but it all came apart because of my loose undergarments.
I was wearing these same workout pants (above). They're great, and I thought they were still pretty snug even though I've lost over 10 pounds. The problem is that there are a few places that I've skimped on new purchases including sleepwear, socks, and panties. Early on I bought some smaller sizes, but it's REALLY difficult for me to figure out what size I need. I can't even figure out what size pants I am. With all of the shaking during class, though, I had to keep pulling up my pants since my undies were sliding right off of me, taking my pants with them. I guess you can't really ignore that sign. ;D
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I've found out first hand that in order to be successful, you must know yourself. Sometimes it takes reflection, or analysis, or conflict to find out. And, as echoed in many of the articles here on SparkPeople, it certainly takes being willing to take risks, making mistakes and recognizing accomplishments.
It took almost 2 years, but I finally have a grasp on what my eating habits are. I didn't analyze what I ate for over 10 years, but the SparkPeople nutrition tracker has helped me see long reaching trends. I go through extensive periods, months, of not really being very "hungry". If I don't pay attention (left to my own devices and my emotional highs and lows) I eat sporadically (or once a day) and often choose denser calorie, less nutritious foods. The other side of the pendulum is eating highly fatty and salty foods, and constantly feeling like I need more. Sometimes that's all I would eat, and I see that I've had periods where I've done that even when I'm eating more nutritious meal plans (it's those extras that bump it over my planned ranges).
Eating too much or not enough are each destructive in their own way. In the past week I haven't been paying enough attention to myself to realize that I wasn't drinking enough water or eating enough nutritious food. I wasn't eating poorly, but I simply was distracted. Last night I felt the effects of not having enough water (3 glasses all day compared to usually having the same amount after breakfast) combined with some emotional distress and a physical factor. I get severe UTI-like symptoms that delayed me from working out, and prevented me from exercising for very long.
STRUCTURE helps with this. If I keep water with me all day, I have no problem drinking it. I love water! :) If I pay a little more attention to what I'm eating and, more importantly, WHEN, then I can defeat my tendencies (no matter what stage they're in) and have well-portioned, nutritionally dense meals throughout the day. I need to do this to take care of myself (hence my status updates about focusing/taking care of myself). It sounds silly - remember to drink & eat! LOL! But it's necessary.
I also love structured clothes... I was in a bit of a ridiculous panic this weekend because I continue to lose inches and the closer to non-plus sizes I get, the more anxiety bubbles under the surface. I don't know all of the ACTUAL feelings behind it (yet, we'll see), but this weekend anxiety manifested itself as being worried that I'll never find clothes that will fit MY shape once when I get smaller (let me explain). I think you can be almost ANY size and look really, super cute in your clothes. The key is finding the right fit for your shape, and pieces that compliment your proportions.
My waist/hip ratio is exaggerated, but the plus-sized store Torrid often has clothing that is generous for my shape with structure (i.e. not a mumu or cape or blankets of flowing fabric). I've always wanted a secretary-style dress. Rockabilly, '50s style clothing has always appealed to me, but I either never had access to pieces that worked for me, or didn't have the money to purchase them. I began to think that I wouldn't be able to find something cut especially for me when I'm down in a size 12, or 10 and that I desperately needed to get it now, in my current size 16 or 18, and enjoy it while I could. My husband (who loves collecting rare movie props and other items w/limited availability) understood immediately and insisted that we go see if they had anything.
Apart from being able to take this pose, the one dress that they had left a lot to be desired. The skirt was too long, and it had a caterpillar effect on my tummy. LOL! When I folded the middle of the skirt upon itself to raise the hemline it hit that spot a little differently and would've been ideal (looking very curvy and nice). But we were sneaking money that should be devoted to other expenses for this dress, so I certainly couldn't afford to have it altered (honestly I don't know how much that would cost anyway). Plus I realized that I no longer belt things so close to my bust. It looks a little silly because my torso extends for awhile before my natural waistline shows up. WHICH reminds me, my waist measurements for SP started off wrong. LOL! Oh well.
(here's an alternate version of the 1st photo)
So we ended up going to the same store in a nearby city. They had a greater dress selection. And although I didn't pick up the perfect secretary dress, I did manage to get a couple (Just in time for rain here! LOL!!! But that's okay.) And, at a discount. Then yesterday I went back with a coupon mailer and convinced them to give me additional money off. Yay. :P Now, I will try to train myself out of saving them for special occasions. (Subject of my next blog, maybe with more pictures of my new favorite pastime: Dressing room pictures. Hah!)
Friday, October 09, 2009
I've been a bit overwhelmed with things away from the SparkPeople community. I've missed a lot of blogs and replying to friends, but I'm still using the Nutrition & Fitness trackers. Thanks to everyone that's offered support, I really appreciate it. And in the past 3 weeks I've seen a lot of success with the scale, inches, and other progress!
I hope that all of my SparkiFriends have as well!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I used to work in Carlsbad. I would take a mid-day retreat to the cliffs and peer out over the ocean while I ate my lunch. I loved it. I even spied dolphins playing in the surf and rare whales that passed by. It was magical. The other evening I was driving by my usual spot while on my way to meet up with some girlfriends.
A pregnant marine layer hovered above the Pacific just enough to make it slightly overcast. The vast expanse of sea transformed into a mottled slate, save for a patch that glowed far out along the horizon. The sun shone from far above the edge of the world, burning so bright it was visible straight through the cloud cover and appeared more like a shrouded moon. From below a pseudo sunset burst forth from the horizon. And as the light continued to shift into even more illusions it rose rather than sunk. While it did, it illuminated a strip of ruffled water into a shimmering silky champagne runway that extended all the way to the shore. Half a dozen surfers bobbed up and down in the gently rolling waves that were far too small to ride. Each had their boards pointed out toward the depths with their gaze transfixed, as hypnotized as I by the painted light.
No matter where I end up working, I will always look for the beauty that surrounds us. And it's so exciting that I'll be able to do even MORE things (walking, hiking, riding, whatever) that will bring me closer to these experiences because I'm in better shape.
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