Monday, July 28, 2014
The end of the year is gaining on us.... But I've been gaining weight and losing fitness in 2014.
I'm between 290-293, up from my lowest in 2012 of ...I don't even remember what my lowest weight was. :-/ Oh wait! I had shirts made. I know at one point I was 245. The thing is that between 245 and 275, where I hovered while I maintained my -100 pounds for a few years wasn't mentally very difficult for me.
I haven't been at my -100 pounds benchmark for more than a couple months this year. It took awhile for my muscle mass to drop, and I think the increasing body fat % made up for it until I bent down and realized that it's almost as hard to tie my shoes at 292 as it was at 375+, my highest.
And now 292. (Edit: Nope. 298 per scale this a.m.)
It's hard to let that accomplishment, that milestone, go. It's hard not to be able to say to new people that I've lost 100 pounds. 20 pounds make such a difference that I no longer automatically think that I've lost more than 80 pounds because I'm still focused on what I've gained. And guess what? It doesn't make me motivated to go walk. It doesn't assist me in choosing healthy foods, or getting enough sleep, or reducing my stress. Not a big surprise.
That's not how I lost 135 pounds. I need to accept this chapter of my story, and move forward.
I got some workout bras this weekend, to overcome one of the challenges and limits of gaining the weight and decreasing lean muscle. As it turns out, I got them in the same size as the largest bra I own and was wearing - probably at least 1 size too small, because I didn't realize I had stretched out that one.
That's a little bit of a wake-up call.
Before my divorce, I took solace in some Spark Messages I got from women I had admired, so much so that I laminated them. They pop up every once in awhile, hidden in my wallet, in my purse, with receipts... Just, everywhere. I know they're supposed to be private, the messages that come with goodies. But here's one of my favorite.
Another chime in the wake-up alarm. When I wonder why my breathing is so hard or why I'm hurting so much, or why I can't find anything that seems to fit, I remember that I haven't been exercising consistently in a long time. I can't blame other people. I can't cry over not having a workout partner any more. I can't let myself keep having pass after pass after pass on accountability because I work so many hours. All of the 80 pounds I still have lost, those first 80, were from when I was stressed, and working long hours, and unhappy.
I chose to move. I chose to stretch. I chose to live. And I wasn't so much focused on what came before or what was to come, I was just working on feeling better in the now.
That is my goal.
I could be at my previous weight goal by next year with an average loss of 1.5/week.