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GRATITUDE! Being thankful for the big and small things in life.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

As I rode my bike this morning I thought about gratitude. I felt grateful for the ALMOST cool breeze [ by Florida standards ], and the smell of fresh cut grass. Which made me realize that there are both big and small events that happen every day that improve the quality of my life. I am SO grateful to be feeling better. What a difference 2 weeks can make. I've been on my new thyroid medication for 14 days now, and I can't believe the difference in how I feel. After 7 days I thought that it was wishful thinking or my imagination, but I know now that it's real.

I used to wake up feeling tired and after my morning walk or bike ride, I had to fight the urge to go back to sleep. If I sat in a comfortable chair or sofa during the day, I would actually fall asleep SITTING UP! There were days that I had so much hair that fell out, that I had to clear the shower drain because the water wouldn't go down. My husband got used to kicking the covers off at night, while I had the blanket pulled up to my chin. In the winter I ALWAYS slept with thermal sweat socks--yes in Florida, because I was always cold. For over the last 3 years, this was my 'new normal'.

When I lost 3 pounds I was thrilled because it gave me a glimmer of hope, which is something that I haven't felt in a long time. Some people may think that 3 pounds in a month isn't a big deal, but for me it's HUGE! I do have some anger over the fact that I was under treated by my previous doctor, and how I've struggled with these symptoms for years. But I can NOT change the past, and I choose to focus on how good I feel now. I didn't realize just HOW crappy I felt, until I started to feel better. When you feel drained all the time, it effects every aspect of your life.

My Spark friend Ruth [a wise woman], recently suggested that I write a list of the things that I would do, if my weight wasn't an issue. She told me that she did it and that it was eye opening. Boy, was she right! At the top of my list, I remembered that while on a cruise with hubby, I actually thought about doing a zip-line through the rain forest. The next thought that popped into my head was, that I would probably BREAK the line. Since I get motion sickness this may NOT be the best idea. I have images of me flying across the line, barfing the entire time! I also thought that parasailing over the Gulf of Mexico would be fun--maybe some day. So my weight and how drained I've felt, has impacted the quality of my life.

The feelings of frustration, hopelessness, and exhaustion are GONE! I feel like the clouds have parted and I can see the sun. I'm getting my energy back and I'm so grateful. Even though my new doctor suggested that I severely restrict my calories, I did NOT do it. I've actually been eating more on some days. What's strange is that I FEEL like I've lost weight, I'll see on Friday when I get on the scale. I've come to terms with the fact that my hair may not grow back. I've been letting it grow out into an inverted bob style, so that the hair on top of my head is longer and lays flat. When it's short and pouffy on top, you can see my scalp right through my hair. I guess it's a good thing that I'm tall because it's not as noticeable to other people, because they just can't see it. When you have lemons, you make lemonade!

So from this point on I want to focus on how much I have to be grateful for. I want to appreciate both the big and small things in my life that bring me joy. So today, I'm grateful for :

Feeling so much better and improving the QUALITY of my life.

My husband, whom I feel blessed to be sharing my life with. As well as the beautiful flowers that he gave me yesterday for our 24th anniversary--they smell SO good!

Feeling a breeze this morning and the smell of fresh cut grass, while riding my bike. And for feeling energized afterwards.

The taste of blueberries and a delicious peach with my morning yogurt. YUM!

And last, but NOT least, the friends that I've made here at SP. I appreciate the friendship, support, and encouragement SO much. I thank you!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TNLONGHORN 9/11/2009 8:59PM

    Nothing but smiles for you lady!

Awesome!

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TAKINGCAREOFKIM 9/11/2009 9:06AM

    Good blog Doreen. I am so happy you are feeling better and that you are getting the right treatment, finally! Keep looking out for those things to be grateful for. I am grateful for you as a caring spark friend. Keep up the good work!

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DIFROMWYOMING 9/10/2009 10:53PM

    Wonderful blog! I am always amazed when I read that your Dr's tell you to restrict your calories so much...I've been on thyroid meds for years and no one has ever told me that! Weird. Oh well...losing slowing is still losing - and you and I are in this together, my friend! Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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TRAVELNISTA 9/10/2009 5:40PM

    Happy Belated Anniversary, 24 years is impressive these days, if you know what I mean! emoticon emoticon emoticon

I hope that Friday will have you doing the emoticon Happy Dance. I am so happy that your new meds are agreeing with you and giving you some much needed results. emoticon

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 9/10/2009 1:24PM

    What a great blog! I am so happy your new med dose is working out for you!! What a blessing and what hope that must give you for your awesome future.
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HICALGAL 9/10/2009 4:54AM

    thank you for a wonderful and positive blog.

and a belated happy anniversary and many years of happiness and loving memories!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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REMEMBER_MYSELF 9/9/2009 8:55PM

    Thank goodness you found a Dr that is giving you the care that you need. You must feel so awake and alive after having your thyroid be so mixed up for so long! How fantastic!

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NGCHILD 9/9/2009 8:54PM

    I started a thread on one of my teams that says "Today I am greateful for..." and I post something everyday. People are starting to catch on too! You would be surprised at the things we come up with!

I am so glad that you are feeling better! AMEN!

Have a fabulous rest of the week!!

Nic

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TCHOZET 9/9/2009 5:41PM

    What a joy to read! I'm so glad you're feeling better!

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RASTUS55 9/9/2009 4:54PM

    HOORAH DOREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am proud of you!
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Your spark buddy,
Ruth

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ANITAWPG 9/9/2009 4:36PM

    emoticon

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MARZATAX 9/9/2009 4:22PM

    Amen.
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Clarity! If something's not working in your life, change it!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

I started to write this blog almost two weeks ago and stopped myself because of the emotions that were consuming me. I felt like I had to ride out these feelings and get some CLARITY. Which thank God I did. After stepping on the scale about two weeks back and seeing NO loss again, I started to feel hopeless. I've tracked every morsel of food that I've eaten and have been true to my food plan. I was first diagnosed as hypothyroid as a teenager, and have struggled to lose weight for what seems like eternity. Last year I walked more miles than I can count and put almost 700 miles on my bike. I kept my calories in the 1,200-1,500 range and lost a whopping 17 pounds in the ENTIRE year. My doctors advice was to NOT go over 1,000 calories per day. Isn't that called starvation?

My lab work is great, with the exception of my TSH [thyroid stimulating hormone] is too high . Despite the fact that my TSH has steadily gone up over the last three years [NOT good] , and has almost doubled in the last year, my doc has NOT increased the dosage on my meds. I told him that I felt tired ALL the time and basically felt like a slug, dragging my butt around. I also told him that my hair keeps falling out and that it's almost impossible for me to lose weight. I've even lost eyebrow hair! His standard response was "let's wait and see". My reply was " wait for what, wait until I have ONE HAIR LEFT ON MY HEAD". I said " fat AND bald is NOT a good look for a woman"! He was NOT amused by my parting shot.

When you have at least 100 pounds to lose and you're doing what you should, you expect some kind of results. To be honest, if I lost 5 pounds a month, which would be GREAT for me, I would be happy. So when I stepped on the scale and saw nothing again, at first I felt defeated and hopeless. Hopeless is how I've felt about this for the last three years. I thought about something my husband said to me. He said " your doctor should be a partner in your health, NOT dismiss you". He told me that he hasn't liked the way this doc spoke to me and treated me in general and that it's time to make a change.

So after I snapped myself out of the funk I was falling into, I decided that if something isn't working in my life--CHANGE IT! I'm taking back my power and I'm going to do whatever it takes to improve my health and my life. I desperately want to feel better. So I took hubby's advice and made an appointment with an Endocrinologist. I saw him last Wednesday and at first I felt frustrated and ticked off. I brought my lab results from the previous idiot. The first thing out of his mouth after he said hello was, "your thyroid condition has been UNDER treated". He asked when was the last time my meds had been increased, when I replied "NEVER" he looked up and just stared at me. He told me that we have a LONG way to go to get me back into a normal range. He then told me that my body is maintaining on 1,200-1,500 calories, and in order lo lose weight I would have to SEVERELY restrict my calories. I need to go every 6 weeks for lab work, because he put me on a different drug AND increased the dosage. I felt that there was a glimmer of hope that I may FEEL better.

I was frustrated by his calorie suggestion because I do not think that it's healthy to starve yourself to lose weight. In case you're wondering, I did call another Endo before this one. I was told that he puts his thyroid patients on a 700-800 calorie food plan -- I did NOT make that appointment! I decided to keep doing what I've been doing as far as my food plan and exercise. I'm going to wait and see if once my TSH levels are in a more normal range, if my weight changes. I would rather be overweight but feeling better, than starve myself for the rest of my life.

This journey is more than about my weight, it's also about what I've settled for in my life. And as for feeling really TICKED off, I could kick the previous idiot doc in a very sensitive spot until he puked! Last week I was so angry that I could have spit fire! I felt like I wasted the last 3 years struggling to win a battle that I had NO chance of winning. I needed to get some clarity on all of this. I have to take responsibility for the fact that I've SETTLED for inferior health care. I knew early on with the previous doc that something was off, when I brought in my food journal and he wouldn't even look at it. I ignored that little voice inside my head. But NO more! I'm DONE with feeling frustrated and hopeless!!

Last night while I was riding my bike I ran into one of the so-called friends from my previous blog. I told her about my new doc, and how I felt positive about him treating me. I did NOT get into anything about his calorie suggestions. I did tell her that my hair might NOT come back , and even though that's an emotional issue, if it stopped falling out I'm okay with that. She said "well right now your hair is all wind-blown and it doesn't look as thin as it USUALLY does when you style it". She LAUGHED and said that maybe I should leave it like that! Thanks for your sensitivity BITCH! I did NOT laugh and basically gave her the death stare. I immediately said goodbye and continued on with my bike ride. I decided that I won't settle for insensitive so-called friends either. I deserve better. CLARITY is a good thing!


PS: I lost three pounds as of Monday!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRAVELNISTA 9/4/2009 10:32PM

    emoticon to losing the 3 pounds. I am so proud of you for taking control and matters into your own hands. What is it with these doctors lately? Kudos to you for switching Doctors. I hope the new Doctor gets your thyroid back on track sooner than he initially told you at your 1st meeting.

Good luck!

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TNLONGHORN 9/4/2009 4:42PM

    I am so glad you are taking a stand for your own health and wellness. You're such a wonderful person. Everyone else sees it and you need to see it, too. You are so kind, encouraging, and thoughtful. It's time you turn those qualities towards yourself.

I am so glad to have found you on Sparkpeople.

Have a great weekend, Doreen!

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 9/4/2009 1:06PM

    I am so proud of you for not settling for inferior health care. That doctor was an ASS!!! I don't understand anything about TSH so I don't know if it's realistic or not for me to give this advice but I don't see how your body can survive on 700-800 calories so I wouldn't do it. I say stick with what you're comfortable with calorie wise and continue with your exercise and look, you're down 3 lbs so screw them! It may take you longer than most but now that you know you can be treated by a Dr with a better outlook on that part of the problem, things may turn around. All you can do is put your best effort forward, continue with this new treatment and constantly adjust to what YOU are comfortable with. Good luck with it all and wishing you nothing but success with the new course of therapy!

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NGCHILD 9/4/2009 9:51AM

    Doreen -- what a roller coaster ride!! Congrats for taking a stand and going to another doctor. Hope this one proves more helpful for you.

As far as the friend situation -- you should have rode right past her and gave her a wave. Don't set yourself up for a fall -- she is NOT your friend. She says those things to you to make herself feel better.

New attitude ... new friends! Trust me -- I feel so much better since my 'friend' is no longer in my life!

Many hugs!

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HICALGAL 9/4/2009 3:42AM

    i am so happy for you. you're finally following your gut and it's only going to get better. continued progress and success. emoticon

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DIFROMWYOMING 9/3/2009 9:22PM

    I'm so glad you took action and saw someone else. My eldest son was born with multiple birth defects and we have learned from that experience that you must be proactive with your health, because even doctors will not do that for you.
I have had a similar problem, but my doctor does a much better job of keeping mine in more control. It's never in total control, not totally the same, but it's better.
But I so related to your pain and frustration with maintaining calories and exercising and not seeing anything. I did lose better at the beginning of this year, but have slowed way down. And I'm with you, I'd be thrilled with 5 pounds a month loss! I have probably 200 pounds total to lose (80 less now) and crawling can feel like you have a very long road ahead. The worst thing for me is to compare myself to others, or feel like I'm in a race to get somewhere. Slow and steady is how this works for us, we can CAN do this! I'm so happy for your new progress, let me know how it is going. And congtats! on the loss!

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TCHOZET 9/3/2009 7:39PM

    Doctors are human, and many espouse their own agenda.

You did the best thing for YOU (if you don't take care of yourself, who will?)!

You go, girl!

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ANITAWPG 9/3/2009 7:27PM

    Ok, so I can only go by the pictures on your sparks page - but I like your hair.


I have recently started being treated for an underactive thyroid - I have been lucky and that we have caught it quickly - and I guess my thyroid would be better described as sluggish.

I never realized that my tiredness, etc was related to a sluggish thyroid recently

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DOING_IT_4_ME 9/3/2009 7:25PM

  Doreen, I am so sorry for what you have been going through. You know some of the doctor's just do not give a damn about their patients. Good for you on taking the initiative to move forward. I also had to learn the hard way with doctors. Now if I have a doctor who seems uninterested in my health to its fullest I drop them as fast as I can and get a new doctor. As far as your so called friend I hope that maybe she is just an air head and didn't realize what she said to you because if not I hate to really think there are monsters like that who try and act as if they are our friends. You are such a wonderful person that it is a shame that you have to go through the things you are. Doreen I'm telling you those females you know are not good for you. You need good positive happy friends who are not jealous of you. I am here for you Doreen. I took a great liking to you right away. I see your heart and you deserve better! Here is hug for you my friend! Better days are to be had very soon! Sandra emoticon

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ARTSYGIRLV2 9/3/2009 7:10PM

    I'm reading a wonderful book called The Four Day Win, in which the author talks about how our bodies react to bullying them into losing weight. It's fascinating stuff.

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TAKINGCAREOFKIM 9/3/2009 6:51PM

    Indeed, clarity is good and sometimes, change is better. You do deserve a doc who will listen and treat your condition agressively and in a manner that is best for your health. Hooray for you for making that change! Forget the insensitive friend remark--you did the right thing by leaving without saying anything, now just let it go. Good for you! I'll be praying for you.

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I Decided To Stop Being Afraid

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

After my last blog, I was shocked by the support I received from all of you. Thank you SO much! I wrote that entry early in the morning on paper. I've kept a journal on and off for years, pouring out my thoughts and feelings. But I hesitated in posting it, afraid that it would leave me feeling raw and exposed. So I waited most of the day, and thought to myself -- just do it! I'm the type of person that once I make a decision, I will jump in with both feet. I know that I will never get a handle on my weight issues until I fix what's broken on the inside and heal myself. I decided to stop being afraid of exposing my feelings -- so I posted it!

I then went for a bike ride, wondering if I did the right thing. When I came back home I checked my computer and was stunned by the support. I sat there and CRIED while I read the comments. This shook me to my core. How could strangers on my computer give me SO much support when my so-called friends just chip away at me? In the last few days I've done a great deal of thinking. I've realized some things about myself -- I've shut down a part of me. I've been guarded and afraid of letting my feelings show, for fear of being hurt, again. I guess I've been conditioned by years of feeling not accepted and judged. But even with my guard up, I still got hurt. I DO NOT want to live my life this way any longer!

You may wonder why I let this happen, and yes I ALLOWED these people to treat me in a negative way. Despite the fact that I did stand up for myself, it never stopped it from happening again. My wonderful husband is my family. Except for him I have no family. It was just me and my sister [who I helped raise since she was 12 years old after our mother passed away] for years after we lost our father. Seven years ago she passed away suddenly one week before her 38th birthday. Unfortunately we were not on the best of terms at the time, and there's no going back and patching things up. I lived with sadness every day in a state of disbelief. Time does heal. I had support from my husband every step of the way, for which I feel blessed. I have a few real friends that were there for me, but that's it! My real and so-called friends became like extended family, spending holidays and birthdays together. Two of my real friends are a couple that I've known for over 20 years and I do consider them family. Her sister is the woman that made the 'big ass' comment to me at my house on Christmas Eve in front of my guests. I ended my 18 year relationship with her, and NEVER looked back!

I know that everyone faces life's challenges at some point. I decided that this is going to be the year that I start making positive changes. I need to wipe off the dust from the past, and move forward! I want to live my life on a deeper level, to adopt a fearless attitude, and to surround myself with ONLY caring people! I'm going to make myself a priority. I know who I am on the inside -- an honest and caring woman. It's a shame that some people can't see it, they only see the weight. Their loss!!! I will no longer be guarded and afraid. As one Spark person put it, "it's time to weed the garden." Thanks again for the support. A new day, a new attitude--

Doreen

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOING_IT_4_ME 8/23/2009 4:56PM

  I have been where you are. let me tell you nothing feels better then letting go of hurt feelings. I am also a very sensitive and caring person. Being we are so caring others sometimes see us as forgiving so they are not afraid to dump on us. I truly believe they do not want to but at the time they needed to in order to feel better. I don't understand people who are like that but I do know there are many people out there like that. I am one who was afraid to meet new people because of this but I came to realize I have the power here not others when it comes to how I feel. I am now looking for new friends and if they chose to be rude then I will just move on. I know out in this big world there are many more of you and me's so I will never stop searching rather I have miles an miles of fields to weed out before I find them. I bet you have heard before that you are too sensitive by others...those are the ones who say the hurtful things then when you confront them they say you are " too sensitive". I tell them yes I am sensitive and my sensitivity goes along with my compassion and that's why I do get hurt because the compassion I have for others will not allow me to be insensitive to anyone so yes I end up getting hurt by insensitive people. I am happy knowing I am a sensitive person. I would rather be hurt then be the one who is hurting another. We are actually a stronger person but sometimes we do not feel that way when we are hurting but when there isn't hurt we are very happy joyful people and the ones who are not sensitive are always miserable they never have real happy joyess times. They are also ones who can be fake but when all alone they crash and burn and live in misery. Do not ever change you are one beautiful woman! emoticon

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TRAVELNISTA 8/20/2009 6:57PM

    Good for you! I think that your friends are jealous of you. You are a beautiful woman now with the weight, from what we see on your pics. I think they are afraid of how much better you will look when all of the weight comes off. I think you are scaring them and they know they are going to have a "run for their money" so to speak. I really think they want you to fail because it will keep them secure. emoticon

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MINDBEND 8/20/2009 11:42AM

    emoticon
We will always be here for the "new" you! Yes, it's time you dust off your hands with the issues you had w/your sister, smile at the memories, and move on. Yes, it's time to weed that garden that seems innundated with superficial, fake, insecure friends who make themselves feel better by putting others down. You are on a new road flanked by all of us sparkfriends towards your goal!!!


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TAKINGCAREOFKIM 8/20/2009 10:13AM

    I am so sorry about the loss of your sister--that can be so difficult especially when there is some "issue" hanging in the air that was never cleared up. When you hang on to those feelings of guilt and regret, they can weigh you down. If you haven't already, take time to forgive yourself, forgive your sister and move on with good memories to carry you through. You sound like you are really moving in the right direction--way to go! I will be cheering you on as you re-discover the real you and live a life you are worthy of! emoticon

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HICALGAL 8/20/2009 4:14AM

    you are stronger than you know and can do anything you put your mind to. all the best on achieving your goal!!! emoticon

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RASTUS55 8/19/2009 11:41PM

    YOU GO GIRL!!! Break those chains that bind you and spread your wings and fly!!!! You have made a very positive move in the right direction. Life is just to short to be stifled by superficial people. You are going to succeed because you found the direction you need to go and I can tell you are ready to make the move!!! I am very proud of you...I don't have to know you to know what is in your heart. Full steam ahead!!!! emoticon

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DIFROMWYOMING 8/19/2009 8:11PM

    It's wonderful that you are ready to really embrace who you are and know that you deserve to surround yourself with people who will truly support and love you. This is so hard to do, but reading about your experience has helped me to come to terms with a bad situation I've been faced with also, so thank you for having the courage to share this.

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TNLONGHORN 8/19/2009 6:42PM

    I am soooo glad to know that you, too, see yourself worthy of more. You seem very warm and positive and it's important to surround yourself with people who share your values. While it sucks to lose a 'friend' just think of it as making room in your life for someone in your life who will cherish their friendship with you. It feels really good to know you are cherished!

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NGALAX 8/19/2009 4:56PM

    Good for you! I was so happy when I saw the pages of comments you recieved and when I saw your pretty photo I was fuming at those "friends". I may be miles away but please consider me your Sparkfriend and don't hesitate to call on me should you need anything. emoticon

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VVKIMBO07 8/19/2009 4:51PM

    emoticon I'm so glad that everyones words were such a comfort to you! You sound like an amazing person and you deserve to have more support like what you get from your husband, who sounds like a great guy as well! Keep on keeping on! emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/19/2009 4:52:36 PM

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WAR_PONY 8/19/2009 4:45PM

    Hey girlfriend.

For one it looks like you're heading in the right direction :) I know how 'so-called' friends are like - I have a couple as well that sabotage my efforts in some areas just like your ex-girlfriend did. Well, screw it, you're stronger without 'em anyway, and you're building your own family that doesn't need that particular person anyway! So there!

Keep on going, okay? Keep this positive attitude and amazing strength I see flowing from you. It's beautiful and you'll be just as amazing lighter as you are now and you'll feel better about it all, too. Remember your family - and the Done Girls, of course - love you dearly and offer you nothing but support WITHOUT judgment or stupid 'fat ass' comments.

Stay strong!! emoticon

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

My so-called friends!

Monday, August 17, 2009

I'm SO tired of being treated like I'm invisible! Last week I posted a blog about it on my SparkPage. I thought that I had dealt with these feelings. But that feeling came back and hit me again the other night while at a friends house for dinner. When I greeted the women I said "don't you all look nice tonight". Instead of returning a compliment they said "thank you". As I stood there they complimented each other with comments like 'you look beautiful, you look so nice, that outfit looks great on you', etc. But as usual not one word to me, EVER. I stood there like an idiot with my feelings hurt. I know that this seems like a petty, superficial thing, but it's hard to NOT notice because it happens ALL the time. My husband told me that I looked nice when we left the house. I was wearing what I thought was a cute outfit [not always easy in plus sizes], my hair and makeup were done. I felt like I made a effort. My husband told me that he thought that the hostess was judgemental, and how shocked he's been by her behavior because she was overweight in the past. She even made a negative comment about her husband's weight in front of everyone!

I NEVER shop with friends anymore because it became a miserable experience. In the past when I found a shirt that I liked, I was told "that's not going to fit you". I then replied that it was my size and yes it would fit. My friend said "no, it's too small". Needless to say, like an idiot I did not buy the shirt! There have been many similar exchanges. Walking into a restaurant I got bitch-slapped, so to speak from another friend. As we were seated she told me "your ass doesn't look quite as jiggly as it did". My reply was "I never had a jiggly ass"! She had the nerve to tell me, "well when you have a big ass, sure it's jiggly". This is the same woman that insulted me in front of guests at my house on Christmas Eve. I bent down to give someone that was seated a hug and this woman said "oh my God, I have a BIG ass in my face"! I stood up and said to her "you must be looking in a mirror"! I should have taken her aside and told her to leave. Despite the fact that I had told her on MANY occasions that it was not okay to speak to me in such a way, it never stopped her from doing it again! I ended my relationship with her shortly after that because I could not tolerate her constant insults and verbal abuse!

The hostess from the other night told me something not that long ago. She said that she saw me out walking in the morning, and that she said to herself that SHE walked much faster than me. Gee, I never realized that it was a contest! I was shocked that she compared such a thing, let alone TOLD me about it! Well sure she may walk faster, so what! I have an extra 100 pounds on my back and a bad right knee, but I haven't let that stop me. I've asked my husband if I was being too sensitive. He told me that he had noticed these things. He said " they have treated you like you're the INVISIBLE WOMAN ".

I have found that I've gotten more support on this site in a short period of time, than from my so-called friends in YEARS! It hasn't just been about my weight, it's about how I've been made to feel -- chipped away at! I have realized a few things about some of my female 'friends'. I think that my being overweight has made them feel superior to me, and better about themselves. So I've wondered, what will happen when I've lost this weight? How will I be treated then? The lesson for me has been that I can NOT change another person's perception of me . Even though my feelings have been hurt, there is something I can do--NOT see myself through their eyes and keep moving forward!



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAILEYSK8Z 9/25/2009 8:19PM

  Hey, did I forget to tell you how awesome and beautiful you are? Have a great day!
-Susan

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SEAMSTRESSLESS 9/9/2009 11:17AM

    of course, i agree with all the comments above - what cows!

the thing is, however much weight you lose, this is your position in said group. I'm glad your self-esteem is good enough to know that you're better than this and deserve friends who treat you with respect.

When i returned to my education, I had a 'friend' that suddenly took issue with me using words of more than two syllables! i hadn't changed my vocabulary, but her perception of me had shifted. Maybe your alleged friends are insecure about your taking care of yourself, they know that soon you'll realise that they are no good for you and you'll drop them on their sorry butts!

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JANNYBEAN 9/5/2009 11:38AM

  I can relate to your post. I too, have had friends who were abusive, competitive, and would put me down in their passive aggressive ways to make themselves feel better. I used to think I was super sensitive and would put up with it, but my husband, like yours, saw it for what it was. Being just plan mean.

Don't worry about how THESE people will treat you when you lose your weight. They already have shown you how they treat you now. Even if it changed, it would never be a real friendship.

Over the years the amount of real close friends I have has lessened to less than 10. I don't often go out to socialize because I don't have many people I know to do that, and I refuse to go somewhere where I will feel down. So I choose to no longer put myself there.

And I have never been happier. I like myself. You like yourself. Who cares what others think?

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YANSKA 8/31/2009 8:21PM

    I have one word for people like that, and it rhymes with "witch." :) LAter for them. You keep up with your goals and stay focused - you are not doing this for them, after all. Reach your goals, think positive, and then blow then all out of the water when you're done.

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FAIRYBELLE 8/31/2009 4:39PM

  Definitely drop these so called 'friends' and get yourself some new ones. I was dating a guy last year who continually told me how skinny his past girlfriends were, and that he couldn't be my boyfriend until I'd lost weight. It was such a huge slap in the face, and I got rid of him as quick as a wink.

I'm so glad you've found support on this site. I have, too. And I hope you'll find some decent friends who support you, and identify you as the wonderful person I'm sure you are.

xxx

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MYREALANA 8/31/2009 2:32PM

    These are your "friends"?

I'd trade them in on a new set.

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THOMS1 8/31/2009 9:32AM

    I am so sorry that you have friends that are so inconsiderate. It is definitely time for you to drop all of them and look for new ones. Their negativity is not good for you. You need a good support team and I think your husband may be it. I can only imagine what you go through when you see them. Good luck on your healthy lifestyle change.

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SHEWRITES1 8/31/2009 12:02AM

    These people are not your friends. You deserve better!

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HAPPYWALKER 8/30/2009 9:22PM

    I've long ago realized that the only one truly rooting for me is....ME! It doesn't matter to me if anyone compliments me. If I feel great, that's all that counts. There is nothing more freeing than being "independant of the good opinion of others" (quoted from Wayne Dyer).

You hit the nail on the head with your last sentence, only don't even feel hurt....just chock it up to other people's lack of class.

Be proud of yourself and what you have accomplished and what you will continue to achieve. No one can make you feel invisible if you don't allow them to. Walk with your head high and strut your stuff. If your friend says the shirt won't fit you and you know it will, go ahead and try it on and prove her wrong. Don't let others dictate what you do or how you feel about yourself. Feel good and proud every day and never rely on anyone else but YOU to make you feel that way.



Comment edited on: 8/30/2009 9:26:46 PM

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RAWGANICSPARKLE 8/30/2009 1:46PM

    They don't seem like they're your friends at all. We all have things to grow beyond, all throughout our lives. Obesity is a more obvious challenge but it is not the only one, and not necessarily, the most difficult or detrimental one. You tackling your weight probably reminds them of the things within themselves that they need to change but have neither the strength or stamina to take on, and they resent you for it, trying to make you feel as bad about yourself, as they feel about themselves. Also, some of them may resent you because -even fat- you have a loving supportive husband. Being skinny doesn't equal a happy marriage, the reasons these women are mad at you can even be related to jealousy that you have something they thought a woman had to be gorgeously fit to achieve. And if they did have loving supportive partners, they probably wouldn't be so witchy toward you. This is just a suggestion but you should get yourself a new set of friends, women who are as supportive of you as your husband is.

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TXLIZWOLF 8/30/2009 10:02AM

    Hey, you are obviously not alone with this experience.

I often compare people in society to dogs (I know more about dogs than about people): In every dog pack, there is the underdog, the one that everyone picks on when there is tension. This dog is the equalizer, the punching bag that assures harmony in the pack.

I don't mean to be harsh, and hope you don't take this wrong, but you are allowing that kind of treatment. I used to be like that. I tolerated everything from everybody. And it ate me up inside. Then a really good friend gave me a smack upside the head and told me I needed to let people know how I was feeling and walk into a room as if saying "Don't Mess With Me."

I slowly learned to put on this chameleon color of being a tough witch ... and it worked. All of a sudden I became respected, people act as if they like me - and I think they really do, because they can draw from my strength and enhance their own energy by drawing from mine.

The chameleon adjusts its colors to its surroundings as a safety measure - and we humans can do the same.

Have you ever seen large women who walk into a room and own it? I am sure they have mostly the same self consciousness that we have... but they have learned to put on another face and not show the world how they feel... it gains them success.

Speaking out and letting people know how you feel brings clarity to relationships. Sometimes people only act rudely and carelessly because they are working out some internal issues, and think they can use you to let out their own insecurities. Once they know that you are not participating in their power game, the odds are that they will change and possibly even appreciate your show of strength.

As a person who is losing weight, I also understand the notion of disliking other overweight people. I am looking at something that Ihate about myself, and I am reflecting that energy. Again, a comparison from the dog world... if you bring an insecure dog into a pack that also has an insecure dog member, those two are most likely to feed off of each other and have a squabble, or they will become best buddies, because they know they are the same - People are no different. You have those in your situation, who will support you and those who will squabble with you.

Either try and train your friends with honesty (a good medicine for real friends), or find those that will support you.



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DJS-DEBBIE 8/30/2009 9:35AM

    The key here is that you called them your 'so-called' friends. I agree with LETHALTOY - who needs enemies with people like that around you?! You need to ditch those toxic people. My daughter (a fellow SPer) is having some of this right now - so-called friends who say she has changed because she doesn't want to sit around and eat junk with them all the time. You need to do this for yourself and try to surround yourself with people who support your efforts. I know we are supposed to only do this for ourselves, but I certainly have a few people that I can't wait to show off my weight loss in front of. To paraphrase BBCLASSYRED, I may be overweight but I can lose it. What will they do about being a complete jerk?
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KOKO_HEDGEHOG 8/29/2009 11:20PM

    Don't let these petty women get to you, they are not worth it! It sounds like you have a supportive husband, and there are plenty of supportive people here on SP, to help you on your journey. Good luck emoticon

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JENNYPOO45 8/29/2009 1:05PM

    You know I read your blog and it made me mad.How can your friend say things like that to you.she wasn't your friend.I know what I would have told her but I wont go there.I have a sister like that .And she has hurt my feeling many times,She was big too but lost alot of weight last year.I just say to her what ever I love you any way,I have learned that using kindness toward some one is the best treatment they cant stand it.I dont judge people by there outer cover.I have a close friend that weights almost four hundred pounds but I love her dearly and I would never say anything to hurt her.so dont let people do that to you.when they do Just say thank you and you have a good day and see what happens we are here for you emoticon

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HILTONGIRL 8/29/2009 12:37PM

  I know how you feel, have faced the same feelings from so called friends"skinny people"

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CPCJONES01 8/28/2009 8:07PM

    I would start looking for new friends! These people are rude and cruel! They are what I would consider "toxic", not good for your self esteem. We are all individuals and there is no one else like us on earth and that makes us all special. Good luck with your weight loss efforts and keep on keepin' on spark friend!

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BBCLASSYRED 8/28/2009 6:19PM

   
A derogatory comment in front of others that is MEANT to hurt you like this might qualify for this response: I MAY BE OVERWEIGHT BUT I AM ON A DIET - WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT BEING UG L Y. Say it loud enough for everyone else to hear and than walk off. emoticon I bet that will shut them up.

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THALIAYESHUA09 8/28/2009 4:35PM

    boy do I feel ya. I don't have any friends now because of similar treatment and the hard thing for me now is how to let my guard to let people who may be genuine. Its really hard. It also makes me wonder when I get to my goal weight, how will i respond to people who are nice to me, because in my mind, I don't think I can accept it as genuine.

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KOKOA88 8/28/2009 4:10PM

    Good for you to have such confidence to stand up to them! The world needs more brave women like you, rather than the ones who hide their own insecurities behind insults. Honey draws bees, and kindness makes friends.
Remember also that the journey to good health is a personal one, and you are beautiful inside and out, no matter what petty remarks someone may make.

Keep it up, and good work!

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MOM2474EVER 8/28/2009 3:10PM

    Verbal abuse is wrong in any form.

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LETHALTOY 8/28/2009 2:58PM

    man... with friend like those who needs a enemy

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JAZZCOLE 8/28/2009 2:17PM

    Those people are not friends...they barely qualify as human beings!

You, on the other hand, are fabulous and deserve nothing but the best. Don't let those losers mess with your self esteem.

You rock, girl!

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CHOESCH 8/28/2009 1:05PM

    First of all no one can "make" you feel anything - how you react and what you think is up to you. You need to remind yourself how amazing you are each and every day. You need to look for the positive in yourself and in those around you. You also need to remember that you do have good people in your life who are supportive and who want you to suceed - it sounds like your biggest cheerleader is your sweet husband - be grateful for him and for the safe harbor that he has built for you. I have lost almost 50 lbs since my journey began over a year ago and I have a lot of people who are very unhappy about the fact that I am looking and feeling better - some people just can't be happy for others no matter what. We are all insecure in some area of our lives and sadly there are people who let those insecurities rule them to the point that they say and do things that hurt others. Just remember how you have felt and vow NEVER to allow yourself to put someone else down or to try and make them feel like they are less in your eyes. You are a beautiful woman with many amazing strengths and you are on the journey of your life to become healthy and strong - don't let anyone derail you!
Hang in there!
Cathy

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ARMYMOM46 8/28/2009 1:02PM

    The way it sound those friends are not real friends. So don't let them get to you. And by posting this blog you know you are doing the right thing to let off steam. Don't let them get you down. You just keep doing what you are doing and maybe the next time you see them you wear a knock out outfit and then take a look at their faces and smile to yourself saying I did this on my own and don't you wish you look as good as I do. Huggs to you and you stay postive and don't let them drag you down.

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46A39P 8/28/2009 12:53PM

    These are not real friends. Kick them to the curb. People can be so rude and abnoxious. I don't know what makes them tick, but do yourself a favor and surround yourself only with supportive people!

Hugs!

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DPBOND 8/28/2009 11:17AM

    How nice of your husband to comment how nice you look!

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DRPOOH63 8/28/2009 11:03AM

    This a good reminder for everyone to look at those who we surround ourselves with and how they treat us..... AND how we treat them.

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WORKINGSTIFF 8/27/2009 10:33PM

    With friends like those...well, you know the rest.

Hope you find some good supportive people-surround yourself with them.

Also, sometimes you have to speak your mind with people who offend you. THEY don't seem to have a problem saying things to you, so you shouldn't hesitate to say what's on your mind. You don't have to be rude (even though sometimes, yeah, you do!).

Losing weight and being honest with yourself makes you look at others around you in a new light, I think.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. You are worth it!



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ANGIERUNNER 8/27/2009 4:02PM

    They probably do think that they are better than you. They don't want you to feel good about yourself and don't want you to lose weight and feel better about yourself because they you would leave them for better friends, because in their mind you would be better than them. No one needs friends like these! You should congratulate yourself for all the hard work you have done! You should dump these friends becuase they are not really your friends to begin with. You need friends that will be supportive and think of you as an equal! Congrats on all your hard work!

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VALPO1997 8/27/2009 10:53AM

    Ok, first stop. Yes, vent and get it all out of you. But now stop. Your friends are not bad people. They just may not know what to do or say along this journey of yours. You are changing in front of them and you have to give them a chance to change with you.

Second, just because a person was overweight before does not mean that they will understand or remember or be kind to those in the situation today. I've seen it with my MIL. She is overly critical about weight in general. Most kids are too fat and I am underweight. She does not realize that she does it, but I found it surprising that she would being overweight earlier in her life.

You have to take the lessons you are learning on a day to day basis. Some you get and others you do not. Don't waste your time or effort on the negative. My example of my MIL is just how she is. I could dwell on the negative things that come from her, but I realize that is who she is. I am not going to change that and the only thing I am allowing is for it to impact me negatively. Be kind to those around you, they are learning about the new evolving you and you need to give them time as well.

Things will all be worked out in the end, have alittle faith and hope that your friends are still there.

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TWOCANS 8/27/2009 10:07AM

    Wow, I am so sorry to hear what you're going through; sounds like you need a whole other set of friends! I have skinny friends who have never talked to me like that! You need to treat them like a VD and stay far away! The old adage holds true; "With friends like that, who needs enemies?"

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GEORGEANN1 8/27/2009 2:29AM

  Thank you for having the courage to put this in writing. I know it takes courage to speak your mind. I too feel invisable. I am glad you decided to see yourself through the eyes of love. I definently need to also. Thanks.

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VIVRE5 8/26/2009 10:12PM

    It is sad that they feel they must step on you to lift themselves up. You are wirth so much more than they will ever be able to give. Do something nice for yourself.... say goodbye to negative and toxic people in your life and only allow in those who can reflect back to you what you send out :)

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UNSTOPPABLE_ 8/26/2009 1:05AM

    Oh, what awful friends...Don't listen to them, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!

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BUTTERFLYTOUCH 8/25/2009 11:28PM

    Time to search for some new friends. You deserve to be treated with respect. Makes me so mad that they are doing this to you. The must be jealous of you or they would not be wasting there time treating you like this. emoticon

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NO_SNOW_BODY 8/25/2009 4:41PM

    I think you are beautiful and you have come so far by joining a great site that can help you along with your family and real friends. I have family that treats me like dirt and makes snide comments, but I don't take it from my friends. Good luck telling your friends that they dio not ahve the right to treat you likje the "invisible woman".

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BAREADER 8/25/2009 3:41PM

    I agree with others who have made comments, it's time to re-evaluate the friend situation. I too looked at your page and you are very attractive. Everyone is not like these people who are your supposed friends, there are plenty of nice people who will appreciate the special person you are.

We all need to be careful who we criticize, we could easliy end up on the other end of the stick. When I was younger I never thought I would weigh 186 pounds, but I did. Now I have done something about it but I also know how easy it is to get into that situation and how hard it is to get out of it. I was so fortunate to have friends who were very supportive of my efforts.

Cut the negative people out of your life and find some positive friends who will love and appreciate you for all the wonderful things you are!

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THORNBIRD1 8/25/2009 2:17PM

    Wow it really seems like these people are not friend material at all to anyone so I hope you do dump them. I'm glad your husband is so supportive and of course you always have your Spark friends. We all know what you are going through.

Try Meetup.com for social events near you in order to make new friends (it's also free like Sparkpeople). This way you can meet people who have the same interests as you and may be a lot more supportive than the current so called friends. Good luck to you.

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TAKINGCAREOFKIM 8/20/2009 10:06AM

    I have no idea how these people in good conscience can make such statements! I have looked at your sparkpage and you are a beautiful woman with a radiant smile! Sounds like you have a very supportive husband who loves you no matter what--that is huge! Lean on him and let go of that so-called group of friends. You will find women who are kind and supportive of you--give it time. We all need at least one good girlfriend to buoy us up but from what you have written, none of your current friends would fit the bill. We Sparkies will be here for you as well--we're all in this together. See yourself for who you are-a delightful, beautiful woman working her way into a healthier lifestyle and you will attract friends who will support you all the way. I will be praying for you. Keep up the good work! emoticon emoticon

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HICALGAL 8/20/2009 3:54AM

    way to go!!! you have every right to be treated with dignity and respect. i'm glad you feel worthy and won't take anything less. more power to ya!! emoticon emoticon

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LOVEBUG98 8/19/2009 7:07PM

    I have felt "cheated" because I only have a few friends, but now I count myself blessed. After hearing your story, I agree with the others just kick them to the curb. "With friends like that, who needs enemies" comes to mind. Thank you for sharing, I know it can be quite difficult.

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_MSAPRIL17_ 8/19/2009 4:58PM

    When you are so used to something and certain people in your life, it takes a lot of guts to just cut them out.......but that is what you need to do. They are not bringing anything positive to your life. They don't compliment you at all, and by compliment I don't mean say nice things about you I mean that they are mean and cruel and that seems to be the opposite of what you are.

You have that confidence inside of you, let it out and drop the "dead weight". They will only keep bringing you down. I am appalled that "friends" would say those things to you.

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April




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AZIZAYA 8/19/2009 4:00PM

    Wow!!! What bitches they are!! THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS!! Once you start losing the weight they will really be talking about you. They are just haters anyway. You probably are prettier than they are anyway. Make new friends, people that will appreicate the beautiful person that you are. emoticon

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CONIFER 8/19/2009 3:33PM

    You are beautiful. and you look great today! I love your outfit :)

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LAVENDERGIRLL 8/19/2009 2:58PM

    With friends like that who needs enemies? These people are a big part of your problem. You are not the one with the problem, they are. It is called insecurity and low self esteem. You apparently are a real threat to them. What I mean by that is this; you have made a committment to yourself on your lifestyle and whether or not it is to lose weight or to just make small improvements in your life; they see in you what they wish they could do or achieve in themselves. You just might achieve your goals and they are sooooo intimidated by that. They have to tear down your self esteem to make themselves feel better. It has nothing to do with you. I think you are on the right path; your husband sounds very supportive; you sound very sweet and I would be honored to be your friend any time. I really think you should just put on your walking shoes and tell everyone in that "friend group" to watch your dust because you doing just that...you are going to leave them and their bad attitudes in the dust! You have a great week. Pris

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BEMORESTUBBORN 8/19/2009 2:43PM

    Your closing line is the best advice ever! Take it to heart and cut these toxic people out of your life... With friends like those, you don't need enemies!

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WOLFKITTY 8/19/2009 2:16PM

    Um, OH MY GOD!! What the heck?! I can't believe that people you think of as your friends would treat you like that!! It's really appalling!

It sounds like you have found the strength to see past their b.s. and MOVE ON with your wonderful self!! You deserve FRIENDSHIP and companionship. You should seek out other positive people like you and leave your miserable acquaintances behind!

Wow!!
Good luck!
Jocelyn

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BITSY0516 8/19/2009 1:02PM

    Wings - I would dump those "friends" like a bad habit. There is NO reason for that behavior. I actually was introduced to a woman a lot like your friends. She had lost over 100 lbs and was smaller than me. I was like a size 14 to 16 at the time I met her and she had the nerve to tell me one night while we were out that she hoped I wasn't going to be offended when all the guys hit on her but not on me... I only hung out with her a couple times before I realized I could not stand the way she made me feel (besides the fact she was a "ho" and made out with darn near every guy she laid eyes on - YUCK!!!)

Anyways, I really feel for you and I know it is easier said than done but I would try finding some new friends that aren't so mean and verbally abusive.

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GLOBALKEEWEE 8/19/2009 11:40AM

    My heart goes out to you. It really sounds like you are surrounded by people who do not care whether they hurt you (and are by default NOT friends). It could be time to strike out anew, making friends who are supportive and ditch those who are selfish.

I have a yoga instructor who always reminds us to "exhale the things that no longer serve you". You choose what to keep in your life - please don't hang on to anything (or anyone) that doesn't serve you well.
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LJCANNON 8/19/2009 11:32AM

    emoticon In my opinion, you need to hold your husband close (he sounds like a gem) and kick those 'friends' to the curb on trash day. As so many others have already said, you can make new true friends who will love, respect and support you no matter what.

Good Luck on your journey. Remember to be your OWN BEST FRIEND before anything else. emoticon

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My scale fantasy turns into a life lesson!

Friday, August 14, 2009

I've had a very complicated love/hate relationship with my scale. Honestly, mostly hate! But I thought that I was done feeling like that-until this morning. I joined SP 11 days ago and today was my first weigh in. Eventhough I've been doing this on my own before SP, I've been stuck at the same weight for what seems like eternity. This morning I was excited about my weigh in because I knew how 'good' I've been. I jumped on the scale and eagerly awaited doing my 'happy dance' when I saw a loss. I looked down and nothing! Zip, zero, nada, NO change! By now I was talking to the scale, telling it to give me 1 pound, something. I got on and off three times, by now the sweet talk was OVER! As I looked down at it I had a fantasy. First I drop kicked it out the front door, and then I ran over it with my car for good measure! I snapped myself back to reality and decided that I would NOT allow the number on the scale to define me! I do feel better both physically and emotionally, as well as a lightness of spirit. It seems like I've had a life lesson everyday, if I've paid attention. I realized that there were many ways to measure success-
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANITAWPG 8/18/2009 4:47PM

    giggle, yes we all feel that way at times about the scale, and because no one else has said this

please, take youre measurements, there are times the scale of mine doesn't move, but the measuremenets are going in

sooner or later the scale will once again move

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BIGOLEDIVA 8/17/2009 7:39PM

    I think we have all blogged about this...isn't it funny how the same lesson gets repeated over and over! LOL

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TRAVELNISTA 8/14/2009 9:53PM

    emoticon I know exactly where you are coming from. I wrote a similar Blog today. That is just too funny! emoticon

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JEANINECAMP 8/14/2009 9:47PM

    It's so funny, I had that same impulse yesterday (when I cheated and peeked at the scale). I had this NEED to throw the scales against the wall!! You know what....I think we should! How great of a feeling would it be to take sledgehammer to the scale. We should start a movement and have lots of people destroy their scales at the same time!

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DRAGONDRUMS 8/14/2009 6:19PM

    Good for you on coming to terms with that darn scale and for realizing there is more to feeling good about yourself than the numbers on the scales. Keep up the good work and before you know it your goal will be insight! emoticon

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