Wednesday, September 09, 2009
As I rode my bike this morning I thought about gratitude. I felt grateful for the ALMOST cool breeze [ by Florida standards ], and the smell of fresh cut grass. Which made me realize that there are both big and small events that happen every day that improve the quality of my life. I am SO grateful to be feeling better. What a difference 2 weeks can make. I've been on my new thyroid medication for 14 days now, and I can't believe the difference in how I feel. After 7 days I thought that it was wishful thinking or my imagination, but I know now that it's real.
I used to wake up feeling tired and after my morning walk or bike ride, I had to fight the urge to go back to sleep. If I sat in a comfortable chair or sofa during the day, I would actually fall asleep SITTING UP! There were days that I had so much hair that fell out, that I had to clear the shower drain because the water wouldn't go down. My husband got used to kicking the covers off at night, while I had the blanket pulled up to my chin. In the winter I ALWAYS slept with thermal sweat socks--yes in Florida, because I was always cold. For over the last 3 years, this was my 'new normal'.
When I lost 3 pounds I was thrilled because it gave me a glimmer of hope, which is something that I haven't felt in a long time. Some people may think that 3 pounds in a month isn't a big deal, but for me it's HUGE! I do have some anger over the fact that I was under treated by my previous doctor, and how I've struggled with these symptoms for years. But I can NOT change the past, and I choose to focus on how good I feel now. I didn't realize just HOW crappy I felt, until I started to feel better. When you feel drained all the time, it effects every aspect of your life.
My Spark friend Ruth [a wise woman], recently suggested that I write a list of the things that I would do, if my weight wasn't an issue. She told me that she did it and that it was eye opening. Boy, was she right! At the top of my list, I remembered that while on a cruise with hubby, I actually thought about doing a zip-line through the rain forest. The next thought that popped into my head was, that I would probably BREAK the line. Since I get motion sickness this may NOT be the best idea. I have images of me flying across the line, barfing the entire time! I also thought that parasailing over the Gulf of Mexico would be fun--maybe some day. So my weight and how drained I've felt, has impacted the quality of my life.
The feelings of frustration, hopelessness, and exhaustion are GONE! I feel like the clouds have parted and I can see the sun. I'm getting my energy back and I'm so grateful. Even though my new doctor suggested that I severely restrict my calories, I did NOT do it. I've actually been eating more on some days. What's strange is that I FEEL like I've lost weight, I'll see on Friday when I get on the scale. I've come to terms with the fact that my hair may not grow back. I've been letting it grow out into an inverted bob style, so that the hair on top of my head is longer and lays flat. When it's short and pouffy on top, you can see my scalp right through my hair. I guess it's a good thing that I'm tall because it's not as noticeable to other people, because they just can't see it. When you have lemons, you make lemonade!
So from this point on I want to focus on how much I have to be grateful for. I want to appreciate both the big and small things in my life that bring me joy. So today, I'm grateful for :
Feeling so much better and improving the QUALITY of my life.
My husband, whom I feel blessed to be sharing my life with. As well as the beautiful flowers that he gave me yesterday for our 24th anniversary--they smell SO good!
Feeling a breeze this morning and the smell of fresh cut grass, while riding my bike. And for feeling energized afterwards.
The taste of blueberries and a delicious peach with my morning yogurt. YUM!
And last, but NOT least, the friends that I've made here at SP. I appreciate the friendship, support, and encouragement SO much. I thank you!
Thursday, September 03, 2009
I started to write this blog almost two weeks ago and stopped myself because of the emotions that were consuming me. I felt like I had to ride out these feelings and get some CLARITY. Which thank God I did. After stepping on the scale about two weeks back and seeing NO loss again, I started to feel hopeless. I've tracked every morsel of food that I've eaten and have been true to my food plan. I was first diagnosed as hypothyroid as a teenager, and have struggled to lose weight for what seems like eternity. Last year I walked more miles than I can count and put almost 700 miles on my bike. I kept my calories in the 1,200-1,500 range and lost a whopping 17 pounds in the ENTIRE year. My doctors advice was to NOT go over 1,000 calories per day. Isn't that called starvation?
My lab work is great, with the exception of my TSH [thyroid stimulating hormone] is too high . Despite the fact that my TSH has steadily gone up over the last three years [NOT good] , and has almost doubled in the last year, my doc has NOT increased the dosage on my meds. I told him that I felt tired ALL the time and basically felt like a slug, dragging my butt around. I also told him that my hair keeps falling out and that it's almost impossible for me to lose weight. I've even lost eyebrow hair! His standard response was "let's wait and see". My reply was " wait for what, wait until I have ONE HAIR LEFT ON MY HEAD". I said " fat AND bald is NOT a good look for a woman"! He was NOT amused by my parting shot.
When you have at least 100 pounds to lose and you're doing what you should, you expect some kind of results. To be honest, if I lost 5 pounds a month, which would be GREAT for me, I would be happy. So when I stepped on the scale and saw nothing again, at first I felt defeated and hopeless. Hopeless is how I've felt about this for the last three years. I thought about something my husband said to me. He said " your doctor should be a partner in your health, NOT dismiss you". He told me that he hasn't liked the way this doc spoke to me and treated me in general and that it's time to make a change.
So after I snapped myself out of the funk I was falling into, I decided that if something isn't working in my life--CHANGE IT! I'm taking back my power and I'm going to do whatever it takes to improve my health and my life. I desperately want to feel better. So I took hubby's advice and made an appointment with an Endocrinologist. I saw him last Wednesday and at first I felt frustrated and ticked off. I brought my lab results from the previous idiot. The first thing out of his mouth after he said hello was, "your thyroid condition has been UNDER treated". He asked when was the last time my meds had been increased, when I replied "NEVER" he looked up and just stared at me. He told me that we have a LONG way to go to get me back into a normal range. He then told me that my body is maintaining on 1,200-1,500 calories, and in order lo lose weight I would have to SEVERELY restrict my calories. I need to go every 6 weeks for lab work, because he put me on a different drug AND increased the dosage. I felt that there was a glimmer of hope that I may FEEL better.
I was frustrated by his calorie suggestion because I do not think that it's healthy to starve yourself to lose weight. In case you're wondering, I did call another Endo before this one. I was told that he puts his thyroid patients on a 700-800 calorie food plan -- I did NOT make that appointment! I decided to keep doing what I've been doing as far as my food plan and exercise. I'm going to wait and see if once my TSH levels are in a more normal range, if my weight changes. I would rather be overweight but feeling better, than starve myself for the rest of my life.
This journey is more than about my weight, it's also about what I've settled for in my life. And as for feeling really TICKED off, I could kick the previous idiot doc in a very sensitive spot until he puked! Last week I was so angry that I could have spit fire! I felt like I wasted the last 3 years struggling to win a battle that I had NO chance of winning. I needed to get some clarity on all of this. I have to take responsibility for the fact that I've SETTLED for inferior health care. I knew early on with the previous doc that something was off, when I brought in my food journal and he wouldn't even look at it. I ignored that little voice inside my head. But NO more! I'm DONE with feeling frustrated and hopeless!!
Last night while I was riding my bike I ran into one of the so-called friends from my previous blog. I told her about my new doc, and how I felt positive about him treating me. I did NOT get into anything about his calorie suggestions. I did tell her that my hair might NOT come back , and even though that's an emotional issue, if it stopped falling out I'm okay with that. She said "well right now your hair is all wind-blown and it doesn't look as thin as it USUALLY does when you style it". She LAUGHED and said that maybe I should leave it like that! Thanks for your sensitivity BITCH! I did NOT laugh and basically gave her the death stare. I immediately said goodbye and continued on with my bike ride. I decided that I won't settle for insensitive so-called friends either. I deserve better. CLARITY is a good thing!
PS: I lost three pounds as of Monday!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
After my last blog, I was shocked by the support I received from all of you. Thank you SO much! I wrote that entry early in the morning on paper. I've kept a journal on and off for years, pouring out my thoughts and feelings. But I hesitated in posting it, afraid that it would leave me feeling raw and exposed. So I waited most of the day, and thought to myself -- just do it! I'm the type of person that once I make a decision, I will jump in with both feet. I know that I will never get a handle on my weight issues until I fix what's broken on the inside and heal myself. I decided to stop being afraid of exposing my feelings -- so I posted it!
I then went for a bike ride, wondering if I did the right thing. When I came back home I checked my computer and was stunned by the support. I sat there and CRIED while I read the comments. This shook me to my core. How could strangers on my computer give me SO much support when my so-called friends just chip away at me? In the last few days I've done a great deal of thinking. I've realized some things about myself -- I've shut down a part of me. I've been guarded and afraid of letting my feelings show, for fear of being hurt, again. I guess I've been conditioned by years of feeling not accepted and judged. But even with my guard up, I still got hurt. I DO NOT want to live my life this way any longer!
You may wonder why I let this happen, and yes I ALLOWED these people to treat me in a negative way. Despite the fact that I did stand up for myself, it never stopped it from happening again. My wonderful husband is my family. Except for him I have no family. It was just me and my sister [who I helped raise since she was 12 years old after our mother passed away] for years after we lost our father. Seven years ago she passed away suddenly one week before her 38th birthday. Unfortunately we were not on the best of terms at the time, and there's no going back and patching things up. I lived with sadness every day in a state of disbelief. Time does heal. I had support from my husband every step of the way, for which I feel blessed. I have a few real friends that were there for me, but that's it! My real and so-called friends became like extended family, spending holidays and birthdays together. Two of my real friends are a couple that I've known for over 20 years and I do consider them family. Her sister is the woman that made the 'big ass' comment to me at my house on Christmas Eve in front of my guests. I ended my 18 year relationship with her, and NEVER looked back!
I know that everyone faces life's challenges at some point. I decided that this is going to be the year that I start making positive changes. I need to wipe off the dust from the past, and move forward! I want to live my life on a deeper level, to adopt a fearless attitude, and to surround myself with ONLY caring people! I'm going to make myself a priority. I know who I am on the inside -- an honest and caring woman. It's a shame that some people can't see it, they only see the weight. Their loss!!! I will no longer be guarded and afraid. As one Spark person put it, "it's time to weed the garden." Thanks again for the support. A new day, a new attitude--
Monday, August 17, 2009
I'm SO tired of being treated like I'm invisible! Last week I posted a blog about it on my SparkPage. I thought that I had dealt with these feelings. But that feeling came back and hit me again the other night while at a friends house for dinner. When I greeted the women I said "don't you all look nice tonight". Instead of returning a compliment they said "thank you". As I stood there they complimented each other with comments like 'you look beautiful, you look so nice, that outfit looks great on you', etc. But as usual not one word to me, EVER. I stood there like an idiot with my feelings hurt. I know that this seems like a petty, superficial thing, but it's hard to NOT notice because it happens ALL the time. My husband told me that I looked nice when we left the house. I was wearing what I thought was a cute outfit [not always easy in plus sizes], my hair and makeup were done. I felt like I made a effort. My husband told me that he thought that the hostess was judgemental, and how shocked he's been by her behavior because she was overweight in the past. She even made a negative comment about her husband's weight in front of everyone!
I NEVER shop with friends anymore because it became a miserable experience. In the past when I found a shirt that I liked, I was told "that's not going to fit you". I then replied that it was my size and yes it would fit. My friend said "no, it's too small". Needless to say, like an idiot I did not buy the shirt! There have been many similar exchanges. Walking into a restaurant I got bitch-slapped, so to speak from another friend. As we were seated she told me "your ass doesn't look quite as jiggly as it did". My reply was "I never had a jiggly ass"! She had the nerve to tell me, "well when you have a big ass, sure it's jiggly". This is the same woman that insulted me in front of guests at my house on Christmas Eve. I bent down to give someone that was seated a hug and this woman said "oh my God, I have a BIG ass in my face"! I stood up and said to her "you must be looking in a mirror"! I should have taken her aside and told her to leave. Despite the fact that I had told her on MANY occasions that it was not okay to speak to me in such a way, it never stopped her from doing it again! I ended my relationship with her shortly after that because I could not tolerate her constant insults and verbal abuse!
The hostess from the other night told me something not that long ago. She said that she saw me out walking in the morning, and that she said to herself that SHE walked much faster than me. Gee, I never realized that it was a contest! I was shocked that she compared such a thing, let alone TOLD me about it! Well sure she may walk faster, so what! I have an extra 100 pounds on my back and a bad right knee, but I haven't let that stop me. I've asked my husband if I was being too sensitive. He told me that he had noticed these things. He said " they have treated you like you're the INVISIBLE WOMAN ".
I have found that I've gotten more support on this site in a short period of time, than from my so-called friends in YEARS! It hasn't just been about my weight, it's about how I've been made to feel -- chipped away at! I have realized a few things about some of my female 'friends'. I think that my being overweight has made them feel superior to me, and better about themselves. So I've wondered, what will happen when I've lost this weight? How will I be treated then? The lesson for me has been that I can NOT change another person's perception of me . Even though my feelings have been hurt, there is something I can do--NOT see myself through their eyes and keep moving forward!
Friday, August 14, 2009
I've had a very complicated love/hate relationship with my scale. Honestly, mostly hate! But I thought that I was done feeling like that-until this morning. I joined SP 11 days ago and today was my first weigh in. Eventhough I've been doing this on my own before SP, I've been stuck at the same weight for what seems like eternity. This morning I was excited about my weigh in because I knew how 'good' I've been. I jumped on the scale and eagerly awaited doing my 'happy dance' when I saw a loss. I looked down and nothing! Zip, zero, nada, NO change! By now I was talking to the scale, telling it to give me 1 pound, something. I got on and off three times, by now the sweet talk was OVER! As I looked down at it I had a fantasy. First I drop kicked it out the front door, and then I ran over it with my car for good measure! I snapped myself back to reality and decided that I would NOT allow the number on the scale to define me! I do feel better both physically and emotionally, as well as a lightness of spirit. It seems like I've had a life lesson everyday, if I've paid attention. I realized that there were many ways to measure success-
Get An Email Alert Each Time WINGSOFCHANGE Posts