Friday, April 30, 2010
First off let me say that I was one of those people that viewed exercise as a necessary evil. I've walked, biked, jumped around to exercise videos, and spent countless hours in the gym, not really loving any of it. And as for running - ONLY if someone was chasing me with a gun! But that was then, and this is now. I decided last year to do exercise that I actually enjoyed and not something that I saw as torture and would dread. I REALLY love riding my bike and enjoying all of the sights and sounds of early morning. And I was surprised that I liked kick boxing so much - but I think that part of the reason was that I could picture my MIL's face when I punched and kicked! Anyway, I liked it and it sure helped relieve stress! Now I'm on a quest to find old fashioned roller skates, and try that again.
So I decided to challenge myself physically this week. In the past I've logged up to 54 miles a week on my bike, so I wanted to break that number - and do 60. Since I hit 55 miles by Wednesday, I thought that I would shoot for 70 miles by the end of the week. Rain was predicted for today, so I knew that I had to get an early start and I headed out while the sun was coming up. It was a beautiful morning and I enjoyed the mild temperature, nice breeze, and colorful sunrise. What I didn't count on was my screaming butt and leg muscles from yesterday's 20 miles! OUCH! I calculated how many miles I needed to do to reach 70, and was determined to do it.
Now comes the part where I questioned myself about determination or sheer stupidity. As I approached my goal I decided to kick it up a notch - and go for 75 miles! Thinking it's ONLY another 5 miles - no big deal, I can do this - I went for it! Despite the fact that I'm NOT lacking cushioning in the booty department, my @ss was burning and the muscles in my legs hurt. By mile 73 I was struggling, but there was NO way that I was stopping. I kept telling myself that I CAN do it - and I did! As I rode into the driveway the Cat's Eye gizmo on my bike registered at 75.15!!!
Being the goal oriented dufus that I am, I already decided on my next goal - 100 miles in a week! That may take awhile, but it's okay - one day I WILL do it. When I think of how far I've come and about all of the positive changes that I've made - I'm proud of myself! To be frank, pride is a feeling that's been dormant for years - but NOT anymore.
Since today is my weigh in day, I was SO excited to step on the scale this morning. And how do you think that blasted, evil, mechanical device rewarded me for all of the hours spent exercising, the washer full of sweaty work out clothes, and burning muscles? With a big, fat ZERO!!!!! Yes, I was pissed, but it only lasted a few minutes, as the vision of throwing the scale in the lake at the end of the street started to fade away. Not even my disappointment on the scale could ruin this feeling of accomplishment. There are many ways to measure success, and completing a goal that I couldn't even THINK of doing a year ago, left me feeling great! And I feel anything but stupid, as focusing on my health is one of the smartest things that I've done for myself in a long time. I may still be 'fluffy' and have a long road ahead of me, but I'm strong, determined, and capable of doing anything I set my mind to!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I knew that it would happen sooner or later, and I was prepared for it. As I lost weight, I expected 'the girls' to get smaller as the rest of my body was shrinking. I knew that my back got smaller, as the band size on my bra was too big because when I raised my arms, the bra slid up, as well as the cups being a bit too big. So off to the department store I go to get a smaller bra. After being told by the sales clerk that my favorite bra was discontinued in larger cup sizes, I had to start over. I thought how hard can it be?
The answer to that question was REALLY freakin' hard! Why is it that most manufacturers only go up to a size 38D, and the ones that do come in larger cup sizes look like something my grandmother wore! The fabric comes up SO high on your chest, that it almost touches your collarbone - and are UGLY! Back and forth to the dressing room I go, getting more frustrated with each try. After trying on about TWO dozen bras from various makers, with NO luck - I was talking to myself!
First up was the unlined 'minimizer', which I can only describe as a girdle for your 'girls'! Dear God, I felt like I strapped on a vice that attempted to give me the dreaded 'pancake boob'! Does anyone really buy these iron maidens?
Next up was the 'lift' style that all the manufacturers are selling. My reaction to this one - are you kidding me?? I looked like I should be dancing on a pole with dollar bills sticking out of my undies! It's not like the 'girls' are hanging down to my waist, well not yet anyway. But this bra jacked them up to my neck, and I felt like I was going to choke on boobs! As I looked in the mirror one word came to mind - HO!
I tried one popular brand that's been around forever, and there are only two words to describe that one - 'cone boob'! I actually busted out laughing in the dressing room with this one. I looked like Madonna in that pointy-cupped thing! All I needed was black patent leather boots and a whip!
Onward to a demi-style bra. All I could think about were the words - spill over! I would have fit right in during victorian times - in a brothel! I'm not used to seeing that much exposed 'boobage'!
I tried various 'T' shirt bras and unlined styles, which either smashed, dug in, or bulged out! No luck. Not to mention itchy lace and uncomfortable under wire.
Last up was a 'plunge' style and I can only say one thing - hootchie mama! I'm not used to seeing that much cleavage, but it did fit and wasn't uncomfortable. So, since I do believe in full disclosure - I bought it! I figured that it would work for shirts that have a V neck, plus I knew that hubby would like it. Hey, the poor guy has seen me wearing plain bras and white cotton 'granny panties' for years, so I figured he would appreciate the gesture. After spending YEARS feeling anything BUT sexy, it's time to work on releasing my inner hootchie mama - within reason! I better find a replacement for those undies next. Something pretty, yet comfortable, but NO thongs! I still think of those things as @ss flossers!
After my two week quest for new bras, I'm certain that most of these torture devices are designed my sadistic, women-hating men! Because women would never design something SO uncomfortable. After trying on every make of bras at different department stores, I finally found two different styles that I like - at Target of all places. And they're on sale this week for $10.00. They were Gilligan O'Malley unlined and "T' shirt styles. They fit perfectly and are comfy - WooHoo! So I'm happy, and so are 'the girls'!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
No, I'm NOT talking about my MIL! Last week the scale finally moved and I was SO excited about hitting the approaching 50 lb mark, which is one lb away, that I went a bit overboard with my exercise. I usually bike at about 11-12 MPH with 2 minute bursts of 17 MPH. However the other day I tried to maintain 17.5 MPH for longer than usual - a lot longer. Combine that with being a little too enthusiastic with my weight training - and I wound up with a pulled muscle in my left butt cheek!
I was okay on Saturday while out shopping with my DH, but by Sunday morning I had a hard time even getting out of bed. It hurt to sit and I was walking like a lop-sided drunken sailor! I spent most of Sunday and Monday flat on my back, with my knees slightly bent - and NO, not doing the horizontal hustle with the hubby! I couldn't put on regular clothes because I couldn't bend down to pull up my undies - so I had to go commando! I wore what I call a 'shmata', which is a little dress or nighty that you just pull over your head. But thankfully by yesterday afternoon I was pain free - YAY!
So this morning I couldn't wait to venture out for my bike ride, which I REALLY enjoyed! It was a perfect Florida morning - cool and breezy. As I was outside feeling the sun on my face, I realized how important exercise has become to me. It's MY time to clear my thoughts and focus on my day, as well as relieve any stress. Now if you asked my DH, he would probably tell you that I hurt my back while shopping and doing the 'happy dance' after finding some great bargains on clothes! More on that subject tomorrow, as I'll post some pictures of the stuff I found with my 'shopping blog'. Today I came back from my ride feeling energized, looking forward to a great day, and grateful to being feeling SO good! Have a wonderful day everyone!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
After losing a whopping 3 lbs in the last 11 weeks, I've come to the conclusion that stress and weight loss really don't mix! I feel like a car that's stalled in the middle of the road, and despite my trying to push it - it won't budge!! It really dawned on me today as I flipped back through my calendar, where I keep track of my weight and exercise, as well as the usual stuff. It has been 11 weeks since my MIL's paid companion passed away, and my stress went through the roof - NOT a coincidence!
I'm really a positive person, but after reading my blogs regarding my MIL, I hardly recognize myself! Her daily negativity has washed over me and left me feeling like someone else. I'm tired of hearing myself complain about dealing with her. I wake up every day in a positive mood, seeing life as a blessing, but after any contact with her - I feel like someone dumped toxic waste on my head. My husband told her on Sunday to leave me alone and NOT call, well that lasted ONE day!!! When I saw that it was her on our caller ID, I did not answer, as I felt that familiar feeling wash over me - DREAD! So much for respecting boundaries and regarding our wishes! She left two messages and then I turned off the answering machine because I don't even want to HEAR her voice. I know that this isn't the answer, but I see it as a temporary fix until I get my thoughts together and take the next step.
I believe that there are no coincidences and that too was brought to light for me as I went through my handbag this week. I found a slip of paper that I wrote notes on from last month, while I sat in the waiting room of the doctor's office... waiting for my MIL to arrive for her appointment. I was reading a health magazine while I waited for her, and I opened the magazine to an article titled 'clearing out mental cobwebs'. It said that dealing with 'constantly negative people eventually wears you down, and their unhappiness can resonate inside of you'. When I think of my notes from that article, my digestive issues and feeling like I've camped out in our bathroom again for the last 2 days, as well as my blood pressure rising - I feel as if the universe is SCREAMING at me! Well, I'm now listening.
I'm making my health and the health of my husband priority #1, since he has been dealing with severe heartburn after contact with her. He is making an effort to get home a little earlier than usual, so we can go for a bike ride or a walk together before dinner. I told him that I do NOT want to discuss HER in any way, shape for form, while we're in our house. So if there is anything to talk about regarding her, we'll do it outside while we exercise, and ONLY for a FEW minutes - then we're DONE! I do NOT want her taking up our time. I've also been reading some self help books, trying to get some answers. There is a church here called The Center For Positive Living. I've heard about it for years, and I finally checked out their website today and got information on their Sunday service, which I would like to attend.
Dealing with daily stress is like ingesting a spoonful of poison EVERY day! I don't want to feel dread daily, I want to feel happiness and joy. I'm going to do everything in my power to create the peaceful life that I want with my husband. I can't change her, I can only change myself. I'm going to work on reducing the stress and continuing on this journey here on Spark, and with any luck - the blasted scale with start cooperating with me again! My focus is to improve our health - physically, emotionally and spiritually. So, It's time for me to pull my head out of my butt, and get on with it. So STRESS, I bid you good riddance and I'm kicking you to the curb - where you belong!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Recently I put my needs on the back burner, yet again! I was cocky and thought that I learned that lesson, but it's been apparent to me that I haven't. This is an old pattern of mine, that when I'm dealing with a lot of stress, that I put everything else before my needs. The source of my stress has been 'The Raptors', AKA my toxic MIL and visiting SIL. Even though I've tried to keep myself at arms length and out of their constant drama, it's felt like a struggle and has left me feeling drained, as I constantly need to keep my guard up. I'm SO tired of being lied to, talked about, and manipulated. I want NO part of this insanity.
As I've pulled back and limited my contact with my MIL, she 'created' medical problems and blows everything out of proportion. She's been going around telling everyone that she has a lump on her chest. She does NOT! She burned herself with a heating pad and has a BLISTER on her chest - NOT a lump, which is infected. She called me and her friends to say that her doctor is putting her in the hospital and going to perform surgery. I knew that this was a load of crap as her friends started calling me to get to the bottom of this. Since I've had YEARS of dealing with this toxic drama queen, and her lies and manipulation, I KNEW that she was creating this for attention. How sick! Come on, surgery on a BLISTER?? So I called the doctor's office and spoke with his nurse. Since I've gone with her to some of her appointments (the only way to find out the truth), the nurse knows me and told me what the doctor told my MIL. She told me that she does NOT have a lump, that it's ONLY a blister, that they were NOT putting her in the hospital, and NOT performing surgery! I told the nurse that she constantly lies and exaggerates the truth - for attention.
Another one of her favorite tricks is to stop taking her medication. She is supposed to take Lasix every day to get rid of fluid, so she doesn't wind up with congestive heart failure. She will stop taking it for OVER a week and tell EVERYONE that she can't breathe and needs to go to the hospital. She winds up in the hospital hooked up to a Lasix IV drip - and LOVING all of the attention. She has done this to herself - ON PURPOSE at least 4 times! Her doctors know that it's intentional, because I've told them - in front of HER!! They've warned her about what a dangerous 'GAME' she's playing and how she's damaging her heart and kidneys every time she pulls a stunt like this, but she just sits there in the hospital bed with a sick smile on her face - soaking up the attention! Well, she's up to her tricks again and hasn't taken her meds since BEFORE Easter, and made an announcement to me and my SIL 'that she's going to wind up in the hospital again'. After years of kindness and compassion - I'm DONE!!!
When I titled this blog 'FEAR is a strong motivator', I had my reasons. I have felt like total crap for over a month now. Part of it was that I needed another adjustment on my thyroid meds, but the main reason is STRESS! I've been having a hard time sleeping through the night, yet during the day I've been falling asleep while SITTING up. The digestive issues that I had in the past have also returned, which leaves me spending a great deal of my time running to the bathroom. I've been feeling drained and exhausted, and totally overwhelmed by her drama. And despite the fact that I've still been following my food and exercise plan - I've lost ZERO pounds in over a month! I haven't been on here much, as I've been dealing with this mess. I've put my health at risk by JUST dealing with HER insanity! NO MORE!!! The FEAR that I was talking about was my wake up call, and I'm listening!
My blood pressure has been up recently and there have been nights that I couldn't even sleep because I could FEEL it! The other night after a VERY nasty phone call with my MIL, in which she accused ME of saying something to one of her friends and blaming ME for causing problems and 'stirring the pot' - I had it! My SIL, AKA 'drama queen jr' was the one that did it - NOT me! By 3AM that night I had to get out of bed and take a second blood pressure pill because I could feel it pounding in my head and neck. I sat in the family room, in the dark and cried. I didn't wake up my DH, as I started to feel better and went back to sleep by 5AM. When I told him what happened he was frightened and angry. So a couple of nights back he had it out with HER on the phone. We had the same talk with her about 2 months ago. I told her then that dealing with her and the stress that she creates is causing my blood pressure to rise. I also told her that she was suffocating me. Her response... that I need to have MORE patience with HER!! Are you freakin' kidding me, you narcissistic, evil bitch??? My DH told her that I've had MORE patience with her than ANYONE else would and that she needs to back off. However, this conversation my DH got VERY emotional with her and REALLY laid down the law! To be honest, I doubt that it will make a bit of difference with HER, as she'll be up to her old tricks. I would bet that one of her friends calls me and tells me about some medical crisis involving my MIL. I don't want to hear it!
My 3AM wake up call did the trick - it got my attention! I will not let that toxic drama queen be a negative factor in my life or harm my health. It's been 2 nights since my DH laid down the law with her, and since then my digestive issues stopped and I've slept through the night for the first time in OVER a month. My blood pressure is down also, which is a huge relief! I've realized that dealing with her for years has harmed the quality of our lives, and possibly our health, as she constantly pushed the limits and boundaries. This was certainly not the first time that we've had to put her in her place, and if she's true to her past behavior, she'll create some drama or health crisis in an attempt to get sympathy and attention. She is one sick, twisted witch!
For those of you that haven't read my previous blogs regarding how EVIL she really is, please know that she is NOT a normal person and that I do NOT use the word EVIL lightly. She takes pleasure in hurting people, so please do NOT tell me to have compassion for her - because I've had it! She was verbally and emotionally abusive to my husband, my SIL, her late husband, her mother, and me. This woman is a viper! My husband picked his sister up from the airport last Monday and brought her back to our house for dinner, as that was what my SIL requested - Easter leftovers. My MIL arrived a few minutes before my DH got home. When my SIL walked in the house I hugged her, my MIL didn't even stand up. My SIL said hello to her and my MIL's response... SILENCE! My SIL then bent down to give her a hug because she was still seated, and my MIL didn't EVEN raise her arms to hug her back, she just sat there like stone! EVIL! Needless to say, it was one uncomfortable meal and we were VERY happy when they BOTH left and went back to my MIL's house. The two raptors spent the week screaming at each other and fighting - what fun! I did feel for my SIL, but the apple didn't fall far from the tree, and SHE is also a liar and trouble maker, and can't wait to tell me EVERY nasty thing her mother says about me and my husband. I told her that I don't even want to hear it! So distance is a good thing, and it's been 1 1/2 years since her last visit.
For years I've wondered what exactly do we owe aging parents or in-laws? You see, there's 'normal' family and then there's this 'toxic stew' that I married into! I don't know how my husband turned out to be the wonderful man that he is, because it certainly wasn't from anything that she taught him! He is a kind and honest man with a huge heart, and I love him MORE than I can say - or I would have been LONG gone YEARS ago! But that twisted witch is NOT running me off, despite her best efforts. FEAR showed me the truth - MY health and the health of MY husband are the MOST important factors in my life! This isn't just a weight loss journey, it's about having a quality life and a road to great health - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I finally got it when I sat in the dark crying the other night, as I felt as if my guardian angel (my mom) showed me the light. My SIL said that the three of us won't have peace until my MIL's gone someday. I'm not waiting for someday any longer! As my good friend NATF says - 'It is what you make it'! I'm going to live the life that I want with my DH in peace - right NOW!!! I wish her no ill will - I just want no part of the stress that she creates. I've learned SO much, for which I'm grateful. What good does having a smaller @ss do me if it's laying in a coffin?
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