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Determination or sheer stupidity?

Friday, April 30, 2010

First off let me say that I was one of those people that viewed exercise as a necessary evil. I've walked, biked, jumped around to exercise videos, and spent countless hours in the gym, not really loving any of it. And as for running - ONLY if someone was chasing me with a gun! But that was then, and this is now. I decided last year to do exercise that I actually enjoyed and not something that I saw as torture and would dread. I REALLY love riding my bike and enjoying all of the sights and sounds of early morning. And I was surprised that I liked kick boxing so much - but I think that part of the reason was that I could picture my MIL's face when I punched and kicked! Anyway, I liked it and it sure helped relieve stress! Now I'm on a quest to find old fashioned roller skates, and try that again.

So I decided to challenge myself physically this week. In the past I've logged up to 54 miles a week on my bike, so I wanted to break that number - and do 60. Since I hit 55 miles by Wednesday, I thought that I would shoot for 70 miles by the end of the week. Rain was predicted for today, so I knew that I had to get an early start and I headed out while the sun was coming up. It was a beautiful morning and I enjoyed the mild temperature, nice breeze, and colorful sunrise. What I didn't count on was my screaming butt and leg muscles from yesterday's 20 miles! OUCH! I calculated how many miles I needed to do to reach 70, and was determined to do it.

Now comes the part where I questioned myself about determination or sheer stupidity. As I approached my goal I decided to kick it up a notch - and go for 75 miles! Thinking it's ONLY another 5 miles - no big deal, I can do this - I went for it! Despite the fact that I'm NOT lacking cushioning in the booty department, my @ss was burning and the muscles in my legs hurt. By mile 73 I was struggling, but there was NO way that I was stopping. I kept telling myself that I CAN do it - and I did! As I rode into the driveway the Cat's Eye gizmo on my bike registered at 75.15!!!

Being the goal oriented dufus that I am, I already decided on my next goal - 100 miles in a week! That may take awhile, but it's okay - one day I WILL do it. When I think of how far I've come and about all of the positive changes that I've made - I'm proud of myself! To be frank, pride is a feeling that's been dormant for years - but NOT anymore.

Since today is my weigh in day, I was SO excited to step on the scale this morning. And how do you think that blasted, evil, mechanical device rewarded me for all of the hours spent exercising, the washer full of sweaty work out clothes, and burning muscles? With a big, fat ZERO!!!!! Yes, I was pissed, but it only lasted a few minutes, as the vision of throwing the scale in the lake at the end of the street started to fade away. Not even my disappointment on the scale could ruin this feeling of accomplishment. There are many ways to measure success, and completing a goal that I couldn't even THINK of doing a year ago, left me feeling great! And I feel anything but stupid, as focusing on my health is one of the smartest things that I've done for myself in a long time. I may still be 'fluffy' and have a long road ahead of me, but I'm strong, determined, and capable of doing anything I set my mind to!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRAVELNISTA 5/1/2010 9:33PM

    Yes, your determinations shows. emoticon determination and goals. 100 miles in a week. You go for it! Not me though baby, my tushy hurts just thinking about it. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Yes you are, hon, one determined woman! Congrats on accomplishing that goal this week and I know it won't be the last. Throw the damn scale out...what does it know anyway? You are healthier today and enjoying your life with a new QUALITY and that is very important to keep focused on. I love when your spirit and body are living a lighter life not burdened by negativity. You are awesome!
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MEOWMAMA3 4/30/2010 9:19PM

    Keep it up and you can ride up here to visit me one of these days! I'll drive you home! lol! You are AWESOME!!!! Have you looked on ebay for skates? I'm also scared of the inline ones, I was wobbly as all get out on ice skates, but a holy terror on my steel wheels!

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PONYFARMER 4/30/2010 6:48PM

    Those darn scales, I swear they are conspiring to defeat us. I refuse to even care. I know my cloths are much loser, and I feel so much better and I can go longer and farther than ever before. That scale had better watch out. Payback is fun!

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    Excellent!! Good for you for sticking to your goal and accomplishing it! Now, get some ice on those aching muscles and take a break!

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RASTUS55 4/30/2010 1:09PM

    HOLY BIKER BROAD BATMAN!!! WOW! It is a wonder the tires aren't burned off that baby by now. Keep up the good work...I might get inspired to move my a$$ after all!

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JERSEYGIRL1950 4/30/2010 12:55PM

    What an awesome job lady..outstanding you put me to shame as I haven't even walked in several weeks..and I hope you weighed in before the bike ride not your muscles fill up with water but even if it wasn't that just keep on sweetie..your doing fabulous. Hugs

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 4/30/2010 12:48PM

    You're crazy. But in a good way. I know you can reach any goal you set your mind to. Just do it smart and safe and you'll be good. As for that douchebag scale, um, you've biked over 75 miles this week. Your thigh muscles are probably like pumped up like Hanz and Franz. If you're not keeping physical measurements, start now woman!!

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Bye bye boobies, bye bye!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I knew that it would happen sooner or later, and I was prepared for it. As I lost weight, I expected 'the girls' to get smaller as the rest of my body was shrinking. I knew that my back got smaller, as the band size on my bra was too big because when I raised my arms, the bra slid up, as well as the cups being a bit too big. So off to the department store I go to get a smaller bra. After being told by the sales clerk that my favorite bra was discontinued in larger cup sizes, I had to start over. I thought how hard can it be?

The answer to that question was REALLY freakin' hard! Why is it that most manufacturers only go up to a size 38D, and the ones that do come in larger cup sizes look like something my grandmother wore! The fabric comes up SO high on your chest, that it almost touches your collarbone - and are UGLY! Back and forth to the dressing room I go, getting more frustrated with each try. After trying on about TWO dozen bras from various makers, with NO luck - I was talking to myself!

First up was the unlined 'minimizer', which I can only describe as a girdle for your 'girls'! Dear God, I felt like I strapped on a vice that attempted to give me the dreaded 'pancake boob'! Does anyone really buy these iron maidens?

Next up was the 'lift' style that all the manufacturers are selling. My reaction to this one - are you kidding me?? I looked like I should be dancing on a pole with dollar bills sticking out of my undies! It's not like the 'girls' are hanging down to my waist, well not yet anyway. But this bra jacked them up to my neck, and I felt like I was going to choke on boobs! As I looked in the mirror one word came to mind - HO!

I tried one popular brand that's been around forever, and there are only two words to describe that one - 'cone boob'! I actually busted out laughing in the dressing room with this one. I looked like Madonna in that pointy-cupped thing! All I needed was black patent leather boots and a whip!

Onward to a demi-style bra. All I could think about were the words - spill over! I would have fit right in during victorian times - in a brothel! I'm not used to seeing that much exposed 'boobage'!

I tried various 'T' shirt bras and unlined styles, which either smashed, dug in, or bulged out! No luck. Not to mention itchy lace and uncomfortable under wire.

Last up was a 'plunge' style and I can only say one thing - hootchie mama! I'm not used to seeing that much cleavage, but it did fit and wasn't uncomfortable. So, since I do believe in full disclosure - I bought it! I figured that it would work for shirts that have a V neck, plus I knew that hubby would like it. Hey, the poor guy has seen me wearing plain bras and white cotton 'granny panties' for years, so I figured he would appreciate the gesture. After spending YEARS feeling anything BUT sexy, it's time to work on releasing my inner hootchie mama - within reason! I better find a replacement for those undies next. Something pretty, yet comfortable, but NO thongs! I still think of those things as @ss flossers!

After my two week quest for new bras, I'm certain that most of these torture devices are designed my sadistic, women-hating men! Because women would never design something SO uncomfortable. After trying on every make of bras at different department stores, I finally found two different styles that I like - at Target of all places. And they're on sale this week for $10.00. They were Gilligan O'Malley unlined and "T' shirt styles. They fit perfectly and are comfy - WooHoo! So I'm happy, and so are 'the girls'!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANITAWPG 5/28/2010 1:10PM

    I am looking forward to the girls shrining
so far have gone from 42G to 40F
still hard to find and pricey

looging forward to being able to buy a D

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    Your blog made me laugh as would any woman who has gone through this. I have a 'cone' bra myself! (LOL) Someday I figure I'll just be able to roll them up like s tube sock and stuff them in anything. too funny.

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MEOWMAMA3 4/30/2010 9:14PM

    That was absolutely hilarious! I had flashbacks to that very nightmare of a first time bra shopping with my dreaded stepmother when I was 11. Then I thought of the time I ACE bandaged those bad boys to dress as a man for Halloween (with my roommate in drag at my side...I've got great pictures!) That night I made him drive home so I could yank out the theatrical eyebrows that were glued to my face and wiggle out of that darn bandage and fling it out the window somewhere off a highway in Phoenix. I like the soft Cacique bras at Lane Bryant. I'm about due for new ones myself....groan! Hope you and Rick are enjoying the new undies! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/30/2010 9:14:52 PM

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NANCYGIRLLAX 4/30/2010 1:53PM

    Good one... yeah, the eternal bra issues. That was the first place I lost oddly enough. But finding a bra that keeps them in place when jumping and then you need the daily bras. You nailed it on the head for how hard it is to find the right one!!

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MTNHIKER1971 4/30/2010 10:38AM

    Loved this blog Doreen! Even though I have no experience with the ole almighty bra, I about spewed my coffee all over the place at the Ho thing. I'm glad you picked out something sexy to make you feel really good and something that your husband will absolutely go gaga for. To enhance the moment, use it for something fun for roleplay night... For some reason the Jamie Lee Curtis bedroom scene in True Lies comes to mind....


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CATHYGETSFIT 4/30/2010 12:46AM

    LMAO @ your blog! Informative but such great wording that I nearly felt like a fly on the wall!! I never would have guessed that Target would have a bra that fits well. For as short as I am, I am pretty big breasted. My question is: You don't get the lovely uni-boob from the t-shirt bra? I hate the bras that look like girdles for your boobs too! emoticon Like you said, most bras seem like they are made by sadistic, women-hating men! Ugh! Thanks for blogging about your experience!! emoticon


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KIRSTEN 4/29/2010 4:27PM

    We should start a "I hate bra shopping" club! Does anyone else laugh when they see the ones with padding? I can't imagine wanting to look any bigger! And I HATE underwires! The last one I wore with those torture devices poked right through and made me bleed! I myself go to Lane Bryant and get the cotton stretchy ones and I get about 10 of them in different colors so I don't have to do it very often. Since I have lost a little weight, mine are actually getting a little baggy, and I am dreading going to get new ones! emoticon

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VEEJAY3 4/29/2010 11:08AM

    Oh I just HATE bra shopping!!! I find one I love, buy several of 'em so I don't have to endure the aggravation for at least a year, and then when I go to buy new ones, my style's been discontinued, and it's JUSt as you described to find the next style.

And hilarious: last night, my husband and I went to a restaurant a bit early, and the woman working the bar came and waited on us, and she had obviously bought the style YOU described as jacking the girls up to your chin. she was WELL-endowed, and they were WAY up there and out there and beggin' for attention! It was hilarious to watch my husband try and figure out just where he should aim his eyes when talking to her. I mean -- he was trying to be a gentleman ... trying his best ... but those girls were COMMANDING attention!!!

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JUSTMISHY 4/29/2010 12:16AM

    LOL! Oh I can soooo relate! However, you said you believed in "full disclosure" so what, no pics?! (wickedly grinning and kidding of course!) Glad the girls are happy again!

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BRILLIANTAQUA 4/28/2010 10:41PM

    I've totally had the same issues...unfortunately Target bras don't come in sizes greater than DD (especially with a 32 or 34 band size). Glad you were able to find some bras that you like! Hope you found some fun panties too (that aren't thongs!!)!

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CLAIRESML 4/28/2010 9:30PM

    so funny!!!!!! and you know what? I also found the bras at target gillian and omalley to be perfect fit for me! emoticon
and they look so much better than what I used to have ...

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PONYFARMER 4/28/2010 7:08PM

    Oh yeah, very funny and to be honest I HATE BRA's, HATE them. And the ones with wire underneath, REALLY, who thought up that torture?? Probably someone who has no boobs. I wear only sports bras now, cotton and comfy. You are funny!

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SHAKENMA 4/28/2010 6:43PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TRAVELNISTA 4/28/2010 3:34PM

    emoticon I laughed my ass off reading this blog. Thanks I really needed to do that. I absolutely love how you write your blogs. You really should have been a writer or coiumnist. I emoticon at most of your blogs. Unfortunately I feel sorry for you with Vampira but sometimes they are downright funny if it wasn't happening to you. emoticon emoticon

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ROX2013 4/28/2010 3:02PM

    I am glad I am not the only one who thinks a woman hating man designs shoes and bras!! After my reconstruction surgery this last year I actually had the one "real" one downsized. For the first in my life I had to try different small cup sizes. I ending up with playtex 18 hr because the band felt better on the scar area. But, it was a trip to find one that fit. There are so many styles now, my nieces tried to talk into one of the invisible underwire bras, invisible or not they are a torture device and never last very long!!

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FIERCE_FABULOUS 4/28/2010 2:36PM

    LOL You are so funny, I actually like Demi bras. LOL Ya, my boobs have shrunk also. Ofcourse those always are the first to go!

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    Sounds like quite the rollercoaster! I'm glad you bought the hoochie mama bra. Underwires are the worst invention ever and I will never samurai sword myself with those things. I always end up cutting them out! I can't give you any tips on store bought bras because Tar-zhay, Wally's and such don't go up to Free Willy sizes but I've always found Goddess bras to be the best with the most support without looking like a 1950's missile launch.

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RASTUS55 4/28/2010 1:29PM

    I have always had my share and everyone elses share of boobs. So when I lose weight I am SOOOOOOOO glad to buy smaller bras. I know the bra dilemma all to well! I buy playtex bras...copy/paste this in your browser:
They look nice and do the job without being "up to your neck in tits" LOLOL!! They come in larger cup sizes in many different sizes and they are super comfy!!! They are at Kmart, Target and Wally world. Good luck in finding a new home for the "girls" LOL! emoticon

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CHEDDARSMAMMA 4/28/2010 1:18PM

    First of all congratulations and thanks for the laughs! Why does bra shopping have to be an epic quest? I'll be sure to try Target next time, I've been stuck in specialty shops for years (smaller back + larger cup = $$$$$ apparently). You give me hope! LOL

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ANGIEEB1229 4/28/2010 12:55PM

    hehe thanks for the good laugh. I hate bra shopping myself. Its never ending and you have to try on how many before you find the right fit. Glad it was a success in the end.

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    My favorite bra is at Target as well--who knew! Glad you found one you can live with. It is a real pain when your girls are voluminous!

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WooHoo, the pain in my @ss is gone!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

No, I'm NOT talking about my MIL! Last week the scale finally moved and I was SO excited about hitting the approaching 50 lb mark, which is one lb away, that I went a bit overboard with my exercise. I usually bike at about 11-12 MPH with 2 minute bursts of 17 MPH. However the other day I tried to maintain 17.5 MPH for longer than usual - a lot longer. Combine that with being a little too enthusiastic with my weight training - and I wound up with a pulled muscle in my left butt cheek!

I was okay on Saturday while out shopping with my DH, but by Sunday morning I had a hard time even getting out of bed. It hurt to sit and I was walking like a lop-sided drunken sailor! I spent most of Sunday and Monday flat on my back, with my knees slightly bent - and NO, not doing the horizontal hustle with the hubby! I couldn't put on regular clothes because I couldn't bend down to pull up my undies - so I had to go commando! I wore what I call a 'shmata', which is a little dress or nighty that you just pull over your head. But thankfully by yesterday afternoon I was pain free - YAY!

So this morning I couldn't wait to venture out for my bike ride, which I REALLY enjoyed! It was a perfect Florida morning - cool and breezy. As I was outside feeling the sun on my face, I realized how important exercise has become to me. It's MY time to clear my thoughts and focus on my day, as well as relieve any stress. Now if you asked my DH, he would probably tell you that I hurt my back while shopping and doing the 'happy dance' after finding some great bargains on clothes! More on that subject tomorrow, as I'll post some pictures of the stuff I found with my 'shopping blog'. Today I came back from my ride feeling energized, looking forward to a great day, and grateful to being feeling SO good! Have a wonderful day everyone!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANITAWPG 5/28/2010 1:07PM

    I am so behind on reading & writing (apologies!!!!)

some time back - after surgery - I used kitchen tongs to pull undies part way up so I could wear them - a girls' gotta do what a girls gotta do

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WORKINGSTIFF 4/23/2010 10:35AM

    Ouch! Glad you're better! Ever notice how once something hurts, you realize you never knew such muscles even existed!

Can't wait to see/hear about your shopping bargains.


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JUST_TRI_IT 4/22/2010 8:17PM

    Great visuals!! :)

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CATHYGETSFIT 4/22/2010 5:26PM

    LOL Well, it's a shame that your MIL isn't gone out of your hair but glad to hear you're doing better! I'm anxious for you to post pics of your bargains!! YAY!! I love bargains!!


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0309COOKIE 4/22/2010 1:08AM

    Ouch, that hurts.

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PONYFARMER 4/21/2010 11:46PM

    Dang, I was so hoping that it was the MIL! emoticon

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CAMSMOM918 4/21/2010 11:40PM

    Note to self: don't pushie the tushie too hard. OK . . . lol.

When I first saw the title of your blog, I was going to ask, "What the heck was my husband doing at *your* house???"

go girl!!


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BIRDBRAIN222 4/21/2010 10:27PM

    Glad you are feeling better. I have been reading some of your other blogs. I'm sorry for all the stress you are under, your MIL must be a very unhappy person. I live in Florida too. I wish I could ride a bike, but I have a permanent pain in the @ss. I've been thinking about getting a wider seat for my bike and seeing if that helps. I used to ride all over town and I miss it.

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PUDLECRAZY 4/21/2010 8:08PM

    Glad you are feeling better!

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TRAVELNISTA 4/21/2010 7:37PM

    emoticon You got us all excited that maybe it was Vampira that was gone. I thought maybe she went back with your SIL and was out if your hair for a while. I guess we can all dream. emoticon

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RASTUS55 4/21/2010 7:34PM

    LOLOLOLOL!!! You always write so I get the most outrageous visuals LOLOLOL !!! LOVE IT!! YOU GO GIRL! emoticon

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    I was so hoping it was the other pain that was gone, but glad this one is gone anyway! Looking forward to seeing the bargains!!

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MUDMOUSE 4/21/2010 12:36PM

    You are hysterical!

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MEOWMAMA3 4/21/2010 12:28PM

    Sorry you got an ouchee...I DID think you meant the Toxic Turkey! Take care of that booboo!

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 4/21/2010 12:27PM

    Glad your @ss feels better! (_|_) Can't wait to see pics of your new duds!

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Stress and weight loss REALLY don't mix!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

After losing a whopping 3 lbs in the last 11 weeks, I've come to the conclusion that stress and weight loss really don't mix! I feel like a car that's stalled in the middle of the road, and despite my trying to push it - it won't budge!! It really dawned on me today as I flipped back through my calendar, where I keep track of my weight and exercise, as well as the usual stuff. It has been 11 weeks since my MIL's paid companion passed away, and my stress went through the roof - NOT a coincidence!

I'm really a positive person, but after reading my blogs regarding my MIL, I hardly recognize myself! Her daily negativity has washed over me and left me feeling like someone else. I'm tired of hearing myself complain about dealing with her. I wake up every day in a positive mood, seeing life as a blessing, but after any contact with her - I feel like someone dumped toxic waste on my head. My husband told her on Sunday to leave me alone and NOT call, well that lasted ONE day!!! When I saw that it was her on our caller ID, I did not answer, as I felt that familiar feeling wash over me - DREAD! So much for respecting boundaries and regarding our wishes! She left two messages and then I turned off the answering machine because I don't even want to HEAR her voice. I know that this isn't the answer, but I see it as a temporary fix until I get my thoughts together and take the next step.

I believe that there are no coincidences and that too was brought to light for me as I went through my handbag this week. I found a slip of paper that I wrote notes on from last month, while I sat in the waiting room of the doctor's office... waiting for my MIL to arrive for her appointment. I was reading a health magazine while I waited for her, and I opened the magazine to an article titled 'clearing out mental cobwebs'. It said that dealing with 'constantly negative people eventually wears you down, and their unhappiness can resonate inside of you'. When I think of my notes from that article, my digestive issues and feeling like I've camped out in our bathroom again for the last 2 days, as well as my blood pressure rising - I feel as if the universe is SCREAMING at me! Well, I'm now listening.

I'm making my health and the health of my husband priority #1, since he has been dealing with severe heartburn after contact with her. He is making an effort to get home a little earlier than usual, so we can go for a bike ride or a walk together before dinner. I told him that I do NOT want to discuss HER in any way, shape for form, while we're in our house. So if there is anything to talk about regarding her, we'll do it outside while we exercise, and ONLY for a FEW minutes - then we're DONE! I do NOT want her taking up our time. I've also been reading some self help books, trying to get some answers. There is a church here called The Center For Positive Living. I've heard about it for years, and I finally checked out their website today and got information on their Sunday service, which I would like to attend.

Dealing with daily stress is like ingesting a spoonful of poison EVERY day! I don't want to feel dread daily, I want to feel happiness and joy. I'm going to do everything in my power to create the peaceful life that I want with my husband. I can't change her, I can only change myself. I'm going to work on reducing the stress and continuing on this journey here on Spark, and with any luck - the blasted scale with start cooperating with me again! My focus is to improve our health - physically, emotionally and spiritually. So, It's time for me to pull my head out of my butt, and get on with it. So STRESS, I bid you good riddance and I'm kicking you to the curb - where you belong!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEOWMAMA3 4/20/2010 10:53AM

    Hi Doreen, I'm reading this from MY Stress Central, aka school. I know oh-so-well how the stress affects the weight loss and the whole mindset of one's life. It wears you down.
You are doing all you can to fight this and I pray these steps will improve your situation. Enjoy your walks and ride with Rick. Weldon and I are on completely opposite crazy work schedules and can rarely manage time awake together!

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RASTUS55 4/16/2010 10:21PM

    Stress is absolutely hands down a HUGE issue in weight loss, personal health and peace of mind. When you have something like your MIL nagging you every day and working hard at bringing you down to her level something has to give. Sounds like your hubby is willing to keep her at bay so you need to put him and you FIRST and eliminate her from your life. She will continue to haunt you no matter what you do because the woman is totally mentally ill. You can't reason with someone of her caliber. So your on the right can't change her but you CAN adjust your own life to keep her out of it and continually disrupting your peace of mind. Let your husband deal with her and keep yourself clear of her. Hang in there Doreen..things will shape up for you!!

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FLYINGB16 4/16/2010 5:56AM

    You are in my thoughts and prayers as you navigate these choppy waters. I actually have a whole family that is toxic. My Mom and her Mom are the only relatives I have on my side that I have a relationship with. My life is so much better now. My DH has a great family and we spend time with them when we can. I don't know what will work for you and your DH but once you let go of the MIL you WILL have peace. My wish for you is that you find a way soon.


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KBUCKMASH 4/16/2010 2:57AM

    Completely agree with what others have written. You mentioned your MIL had a paid companion before so why not find someone new. At least find someone to take her to the doctor or where ever else she needs to go.
emoticonhang in there emoticon

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TRAVELNISTA 4/15/2010 8:20PM

    I know exactly where you are coming from. I feel like I am the poster child for stress. I really hope you can get yours under control. emoticon emoticon

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CHERIAP1 4/15/2010 5:05PM

    STRESS SUCKS! Sorry to be so blunt but that's how I feel. Somehow it takes over our whole physical and mental well being. We all have it. I am so glad you are putting you and your husband first. Don't feel guilty for turning off the answering machine. It won't be the end of your MIL world if she cannot reach you for a while. You are taking control! emoticon

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    Wishing you the courage and strength to finally cut her loose once and for all. Constantly giving in to her just trains her that you'll always take her chit eventually and your words mean nothing. Trust me, I know.

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AHEALTHIERME9 4/15/2010 5:00PM

    Bye-bye stress! She's kicking you to the curb; you hear that?


I'm sorry you're still having grief with your MIL, but I really think you've realized how important it is to focus on the good things in your life and to release the toxic things. That is definitely a step towards progress.

Don't worry about the scale. How you feel physically is paramount. So I think you are on the right path by focussing on improving you and hubby's emotional, spiritual, and physical health... The magic will continue to happen inside and those numbers will eventually go down. In the meantime, head high, shoulders back, chin up, and ONWARD!

YOU GO!!! emoticon

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LASARRE 4/15/2010 5:00PM

    OMG, I can so relate to you. I was so close to my goal weight and then stress took over. The stress of a new job. The stress of the negativity of my mother. My husband jumping on me about stuff. And....I put back on all but 8 of the pounds I lost. I too took the vow to start being positive. I had a discussion with my mother and set ground rules. Stressing out isn't going to make things any better; it will just make them worse. Believe me, I am the greatest worrier I know. At least I was until I decided that one of my action goals was to start being positive. If I can do it, I know you can!

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Fear is a strong motivator for change!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Recently I put my needs on the back burner, yet again! I was cocky and thought that I learned that lesson, but it's been apparent to me that I haven't. This is an old pattern of mine, that when I'm dealing with a lot of stress, that I put everything else before my needs. The source of my stress has been 'The Raptors', AKA my toxic MIL and visiting SIL. Even though I've tried to keep myself at arms length and out of their constant drama, it's felt like a struggle and has left me feeling drained, as I constantly need to keep my guard up. I'm SO tired of being lied to, talked about, and manipulated. I want NO part of this insanity.

As I've pulled back and limited my contact with my MIL, she 'created' medical problems and blows everything out of proportion. She's been going around telling everyone that she has a lump on her chest. She does NOT! She burned herself with a heating pad and has a BLISTER on her chest - NOT a lump, which is infected. She called me and her friends to say that her doctor is putting her in the hospital and going to perform surgery. I knew that this was a load of crap as her friends started calling me to get to the bottom of this. Since I've had YEARS of dealing with this toxic drama queen, and her lies and manipulation, I KNEW that she was creating this for attention. How sick! Come on, surgery on a BLISTER?? So I called the doctor's office and spoke with his nurse. Since I've gone with her to some of her appointments (the only way to find out the truth), the nurse knows me and told me what the doctor told my MIL. She told me that she does NOT have a lump, that it's ONLY a blister, that they were NOT putting her in the hospital, and NOT performing surgery! I told the nurse that she constantly lies and exaggerates the truth - for attention.

Another one of her favorite tricks is to stop taking her medication. She is supposed to take Lasix every day to get rid of fluid, so she doesn't wind up with congestive heart failure. She will stop taking it for OVER a week and tell EVERYONE that she can't breathe and needs to go to the hospital. She winds up in the hospital hooked up to a Lasix IV drip - and LOVING all of the attention. She has done this to herself - ON PURPOSE at least 4 times! Her doctors know that it's intentional, because I've told them - in front of HER!! They've warned her about what a dangerous 'GAME' she's playing and how she's damaging her heart and kidneys every time she pulls a stunt like this, but she just sits there in the hospital bed with a sick smile on her face - soaking up the attention! Well, she's up to her tricks again and hasn't taken her meds since BEFORE Easter, and made an announcement to me and my SIL 'that she's going to wind up in the hospital again'. After years of kindness and compassion - I'm DONE!!!

When I titled this blog 'FEAR is a strong motivator', I had my reasons. I have felt like total crap for over a month now. Part of it was that I needed another adjustment on my thyroid meds, but the main reason is STRESS! I've been having a hard time sleeping through the night, yet during the day I've been falling asleep while SITTING up. The digestive issues that I had in the past have also returned, which leaves me spending a great deal of my time running to the bathroom. I've been feeling drained and exhausted, and totally overwhelmed by her drama. And despite the fact that I've still been following my food and exercise plan - I've lost ZERO pounds in over a month! I haven't been on here much, as I've been dealing with this mess. I've put my health at risk by JUST dealing with HER insanity! NO MORE!!! The FEAR that I was talking about was my wake up call, and I'm listening!

My blood pressure has been up recently and there have been nights that I couldn't even sleep because I could FEEL it! The other night after a VERY nasty phone call with my MIL, in which she accused ME of saying something to one of her friends and blaming ME for causing problems and 'stirring the pot' - I had it! My SIL, AKA 'drama queen jr' was the one that did it - NOT me! By 3AM that night I had to get out of bed and take a second blood pressure pill because I could feel it pounding in my head and neck. I sat in the family room, in the dark and cried. I didn't wake up my DH, as I started to feel better and went back to sleep by 5AM. When I told him what happened he was frightened and angry. So a couple of nights back he had it out with HER on the phone. We had the same talk with her about 2 months ago. I told her then that dealing with her and the stress that she creates is causing my blood pressure to rise. I also told her that she was suffocating me. Her response... that I need to have MORE patience with HER!! Are you freakin' kidding me, you narcissistic, evil bitch??? My DH told her that I've had MORE patience with her than ANYONE else would and that she needs to back off. However, this conversation my DH got VERY emotional with her and REALLY laid down the law! To be honest, I doubt that it will make a bit of difference with HER, as she'll be up to her old tricks. I would bet that one of her friends calls me and tells me about some medical crisis involving my MIL. I don't want to hear it!

My 3AM wake up call did the trick - it got my attention! I will not let that toxic drama queen be a negative factor in my life or harm my health. It's been 2 nights since my DH laid down the law with her, and since then my digestive issues stopped and I've slept through the night for the first time in OVER a month. My blood pressure is down also, which is a huge relief! I've realized that dealing with her for years has harmed the quality of our lives, and possibly our health, as she constantly pushed the limits and boundaries. This was certainly not the first time that we've had to put her in her place, and if she's true to her past behavior, she'll create some drama or health crisis in an attempt to get sympathy and attention. She is one sick, twisted witch!

For those of you that haven't read my previous blogs regarding how EVIL she really is, please know that she is NOT a normal person and that I do NOT use the word EVIL lightly. She takes pleasure in hurting people, so please do NOT tell me to have compassion for her - because I've had it! She was verbally and emotionally abusive to my husband, my SIL, her late husband, her mother, and me. This woman is a viper! My husband picked his sister up from the airport last Monday and brought her back to our house for dinner, as that was what my SIL requested - Easter leftovers. My MIL arrived a few minutes before my DH got home. When my SIL walked in the house I hugged her, my MIL didn't even stand up. My SIL said hello to her and my MIL's response... SILENCE! My SIL then bent down to give her a hug because she was still seated, and my MIL didn't EVEN raise her arms to hug her back, she just sat there like stone! EVIL! Needless to say, it was one uncomfortable meal and we were VERY happy when they BOTH left and went back to my MIL's house. The two raptors spent the week screaming at each other and fighting - what fun! I did feel for my SIL, but the apple didn't fall far from the tree, and SHE is also a liar and trouble maker, and can't wait to tell me EVERY nasty thing her mother says about me and my husband. I told her that I don't even want to hear it! So distance is a good thing, and it's been 1 1/2 years since her last visit.

For years I've wondered what exactly do we owe aging parents or in-laws? You see, there's 'normal' family and then there's this 'toxic stew' that I married into! I don't know how my husband turned out to be the wonderful man that he is, because it certainly wasn't from anything that she taught him! He is a kind and honest man with a huge heart, and I love him MORE than I can say - or I would have been LONG gone YEARS ago! But that twisted witch is NOT running me off, despite her best efforts. FEAR showed me the truth - MY health and the health of MY husband are the MOST important factors in my life! This isn't just a weight loss journey, it's about having a quality life and a road to great health - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I finally got it when I sat in the dark crying the other night, as I felt as if my guardian angel (my mom) showed me the light. My SIL said that the three of us won't have peace until my MIL's gone someday. I'm not waiting for someday any longer! As my good friend NATF says - 'It is what you make it'! I'm going to live the life that I want with my DH in peace - right NOW!!! I wish her no ill will - I just want no part of the stress that she creates. I've learned SO much, for which I'm grateful. What good does having a smaller @ss do me if it's laying in a coffin?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RASTUS55 4/14/2010 4:58PM

    You know at some point you must just keep her out of your life permanently. That woman is mentally ill and needs to be medicated or wear a permanently straight jacket with a muzzle! I know it doesn't seem right to keep family out of your life but sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to keep your own sanity. I have dismissed a few of my family members because they just plain drive me nuts. You won't be the first or the last person that has to do this! Would your hubby go along with this idea at all? She is just a foul and sick person that NO ONE could possibly help. Discard the BAG-gage! Wonder if they make a product called "WITCH BE GONE" LOL! emoticon

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LORING102466 4/14/2010 11:06AM

    I am so sorry you are going through this. In my family it is one of my SIL that is toxic. She has driven a wedge between her husband and 3 of his brothers (one is my husband). In order to keep our sanity, we stay away which just hurts my children as they don't get to see their Granny every week when everyone gets together for Sunday dinner. I know one of these days, people like this have to answer for their ways but man I wish it didn't take so long some times....

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 4/14/2010 10:12AM

    How did I miss this? Anyhoo... "I've realized that dealing with her for years has harmed the quality of our lives, and possibly our health" There's no "possibly" about it honey. Quite frankly I don't know how the stress alone of 26 years of dealing with it hasn't killed you. Truly. You know how I feel about the blister on her chest, it's time to extract her and say good riddance. Until you get a call from the chaplain at the hospital saying they're issuing last rites, don't believe her medical crap.

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KBUCKMASH 4/14/2010 12:06AM

    Boy can I relate to what you are going through. In my case it was my FIL. He is now gone but taught his grandsons, my step-sons well, and his daughter - daddy's "little princess". I was/am fortunate that most of his friends were on to him. After he passed, ended up being MIL's main care taker and there were times I was indirectly dealing with him because of the way he had treated her when her health problems started. The only family to who appreciated my help were hubby and her brother. When she passed SIL walked all over hubby and me to get what she wanted.

Thank you for sharing. Have yet to set down and fully write about my experience. (the above is very compressed). Am thinking it is time to do so, so I can move forward with less baggage.

I had/have friends praying for me. Will pay forward with prayers for you as you work to resolve the issues at hand.
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    Keep focusing on you, you cannot change her. I figured that she had something to do with our not seeing your wonderful self here for a while. I'm praying for the whole situation and that she would CHILL! Take care!

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MEOWMAMA3 4/13/2010 9:13PM

    Oh boy, the Toxic Turkey strikes again. I'm glad Rick stood up to her and that it brought you some relief. She really is a trip, or as a friend of mine would say "a trunk that got lost on a trip". Time to get her out of your radar and lock coordinates on Doreen and Rick's mental and physical health. Suffer no guilt my friend, you've been amazingly gracious and accommodating despite her antics. At least she's predictable. She could be crazy AND unpredictable. Glad you're back and fighting the good fight. Take all that negative energy and shake it up into a focus back on you.
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TRAVELNISTA 4/13/2010 4:34PM

    I am so sorry that Vampira is at it yet again. Maybe the time has come when you have to change your phone number and refuse to give it to her or her friends. Then there will be no more calls. I would also keep my doors locked so she can not just walk into your house without an invite. I would maybe even think about buying a huge scary guard dog.
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ROX2013 4/13/2010 2:33PM

    I wondered if something was going on with you, haven't "seen" you in awhile. Realizing the lesson you have learned and then practicing good mental health lessons for you and your DH is great. We don;t get to pick our family members but we do get to pick how they affect us. I have a older sister with a addicted son, I finally had to say no more of his drama and now she doesn;t really talk to me, it hurt but I also have my mental health to keep in balance and it has been a lot better since we had it out. She will never tell him no and not matter how he treats her she will always take care of him and get him out of trouble. That is her choice I had to choose to walk away. Sometimes that is all you can do. Hang in There. emoticon

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NGCHILD 4/13/2010 1:50PM

    Doreen -- I knew something was brewing! I could tell by your absense. You have been on my mind lately. Your MIL will get her just desserts and I am glad that you are done dealing with her. Both you and Rick need to move on as much as you can. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers!!


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