Wednesday, September 26, 2012
My hubby found the following text on Facebook and copied it for me. I LOVE it and felt the need to share it with all of my fellow Sparkers! I think that they are words to live by.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
You know that old saying, 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink'? Well, I'm that horse. More like the horse's hind end! I've been working on my motivation and being active again on Spark, but I haven't given it my all. When I commit to something, I usually jump in with both feet and give it 100%, but I haven't done that. I used to bike up to 70 miles a week, weight train 3 times a week, and track my water and EVERY morsel of food that passed my lips. Nope, haven't done any of that either.
We've been eating dinner late and going to bed within a couple of hours. Naturally not sleeping well, and waking up feeling tired. After yet another lousy night of sleep, I dragged my bloated SLUG-like self into the bathroom to wash up. I realized that I looked as bad as I felt. Gone was the healthy glow that I used to have, and in it's place was a bloated face and puffy eyes. The woman staring back at me looked tired and unhealthy.
I do some of my best thinking early in the morning. What didn't dawn on me until today was that I was afraid. And not just for myself, but for my husband Rick as well. This isn't healthy for either of us. I feel blessed in many ways - I have a great husband and we have a good life together. Yet fear sunk in as I looked at him this morning, and realized that our current unhealthy lifestyle and the stress of the last two years has taken it's toll on him as well. His mother's illness, her subsequent passing, and the horrific mess that we were left to deal with, and every unhealthy choice we've made - is written all over both of our faces.
But the fear of how all of this effects not only the length of our lives together, but the quality as well, REALLY hit home. We used to be active and walk and bike together. We're a 15 minute drive from the beach, yet we haven't been there ONCE in the last two years! We used to walk six miles on the beach twice a week at sunset. Now we're both always tired. This needs to CHANGE! My desire to turn things around for both of us has fueled my long lost motivation. Thankfully our stress has disappeared, but our unhealthy lifestyle has remained - until NOW! I refuse to live in fear over something that I have control over. So yes, fear is a great motivator, but at the risk of sounding REALLY sappy - love is a much better reason for changing your life!
Monday, September 17, 2012
I certainly don't need reminders that I'm overweight, but I get them all of the time. Sometimes I feel as if I have this big target on my back, just asking to be kicked. Well, on Saturday night I got kicked again when we met two other couples for dinner. The six of us sat at a booth, and despite the fact that I DID FIT, one of the men asked ONLY me if I would like to move to a table! I stared at him at first, then in my most matter of fact voice asked "no, why would I want to move"? He didn't answer.
This is not an isolated occurrence, it happens most of the time. It makes me feel different from the other people at the table and not normal. But most of all it hurts!!! Anymore, when we go out with other people, I just wait for the crappy comment, and I'm rarely waiting for long.
About once a month my husband and I get together with his cousin and the cousin's girlfriend for brunch. If the cousin gets there first he gets a booth, and yes, I DO FIT into the booth. However, it doesn't stop our cousin from asking ONLY me if I have 'enough room'? It's so predictable that I just wait for him to say it every time. I respond with a very curt "I have plenty of room". Needless to say, the cousin is a chunker as well, but I've NEVER said a cruel or hurtful thing to him! I've tried to out-smart him by arriving 20 minutes early and getting a table, thinking that now he has nothing to say. Wrong. He has even asked me while I'm seated in a chair that I PULL UP TO THE TABLE, if 'I have enough room'. I looked at him like he was nuts, and asked him 'why'.
We traveled with them ONCE, and believe me, that's all it took for me to tell my husband - NEVER again! He agreed. We went on a Canadian, New England cruise, which left from New York. Since we all live in Florida, we all had to fly north first. I booked a window seat for myself, only to be told by the cousin that I won't fit because I'm TOO WIDE! Yes, you did read that! He suggested that I get the aisle seat like him because I'll have more room. All I could think about leading up to the trip was - oh PLEASE let me fit.. I kept my window seat and I did FIT! Take that you jerk!
I don't know WHY people feel the need to do this. It makes me feel like I'm not like everyone else. I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in this fat suit that I can't wait to be able to unzip, and step out of. I don't want to feel like some target that's being scrutinized and judged. I'm tired of being hurt by insensitive comments and made to feel different.
Does this ever happen to you???
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Motivation is a funny thing. When you feel as if you've 'got it', you're rolling along and your journey can seem fairly smooth. But when you've lost it, you can feel stuck, frozen in place, unable to move forward. Not only did I fall off of the wagon, but it's rolled over me, and I've been stuck for awhile now. Falling off of the wagon is something that I thought would never, and I mean NEVER happen again. Boy, was I wrong!
I thought that I finally 'got it' about making myself, and especially my health a priority. Wrong again! It was a gradual thing as I slowly started moving myself further down my priority list. Suddenly I was missing workouts and not staying on track with my food choices. I was skipping breakfast and sometimes lunch, eating a late dinner, and then dropping into bed. Any wonder why the weight started to pile on and I felt like a SLUG! Stress became my new companion, along with it's evil cousins - insomnia, migraines, and teeth grinding. The more pressed for time I felt, the less I took care of myself. Huge mistake!
We're not on this journey living in a bubble. Life happens and you're sometimes thrown a curveball from time to time. It's how you handle the challenges in life, WHILE taking care of yourself - that's the lesson. If this was a test, I know that I've failed. But it's okay because I learned from it. I see everything as a learning experience, and I think that now I'm a bit more aware of ducking when a curveball is headed my way. Stress is no longer my daily companion - I've kicked it to the curb!
So here I am, starting over - yet again. I beat myself up about this for most of the last year, feeling defeated. What a total waste of time and energy. Trying to get my motivation back has been tougher than I thought it would be. I've learned that I can't just sit here stuck, waiting for my motivation to find me, as if it would magically reappear. It hasn't! It's up to me. I realize that I alone am responsible for every choice I make. Therefore, today I choose to make a new priority list, one that my health and well being are at the top of. I choose to recommit to this journey - not tomorrow, or on Monday, but TODAY!
Thursday, October 07, 2010
The second part of that question should be - to stop making the same mistake and putting myself LAST? I'm borrowing the title of a song from a certain ding-bat pop star, but it's how I feel - Oops, I did it again! The past year since I've been here on Spark I've learned a great deal about myself. Some good and some frustrating. I keep asking myself WHY I keep making the same mistakes and putting myself last. It's been a habit since I was a teenager, but one that I really want to brake.
Since my MIL passed away in August, I haven't been on Spark. I thought that dealing with the mess we were left to deal with was a priority and that once things settled down I would be back. Dumb idea! The woman never threw a thing away and my DH and I have been clearing out YEARS of clutter. There are days that I feel totally overwhelmed by all of this. For the last two months we've spent our weekends working on her house - sorting, packing, cleaning, donating, and throwing away. The days I'm working at her house I'm so tired at the end of the day, the last thing I feel like doing when I get home is cook dinner. So we've had take out food followed by plopping our tired butts on the sofa. Another great idea! Besides feeling like a limp noodle, I've gained 10 pounds, which landed directly on my @ss! Hey, I can't change what I don't acknowledge!
The last few nights I've had a hard time falling asleep because the error of my ways finally sunk in. I ignored the hints in the previous weeks by doing what I've always done - ignore myself and push through it. Did I pay attention when I had a fever of 102.8 for three days and couldn't drag myself out of bed? Nope! Or how about when I lifted a heavy box at her house and pulled my back, which took a little over a week to get better? Nope again! My body was trying to tell me to take better care but I didn't listen. That was my first lesson, which I failed.
The next lesson involves my lazy-@ss SIL. When she was here for her mother's funeral we asked her if she was going to come back and help us clear out the house. Her reply was "no, I don't have the time", which caused my chin to hit the floor and my blood to boil. She went back to California and her life and left us to handle a mountain of paperwork and years of crap to get rid of BEFORE we could even sell my MIL's house. She has however 'found time' to call me EVERY week to ask WHEN she will get a check from her mother's trust and to tell me how busy she is getting ready for cruising on her boyfriend's boat for 1-3 YEARS! Yep, I'm still boiling! Last week I called her to bring her up to speed regarding my last appointment with our attorney, only to be told by her "that she doesn't have time because she's SO INSANELY BUSY that day and must leave for the gym and an appointment with her Dermatologist" - to get MORE Botox shot into her already frozen face!
The clincher was when my DH told me about his sister's postings on Facebook, saying that she was sitting in the spa at the gym because she needed to RELAX. Then she posted a picture of herself at the beach with a caption saying that she was spending the day 'relaxing' at the beach. I however spent that day sweating like some kind of farm animal at HER mother's house cleaning my now 10 lb heavier butt off! That did it, I felt like a fire-breathing dragon. I have been aggravated for weeks by her lack of responsibility and the feeling of being burdened by this mess which has been dumped upon us. Yes I've felt resentful over this, but my anger shifted towards myself as once again it dawned on me - I did it to myself! I'm not saying that my SIL's behavior of always putting herself first, without ANY regard for others is right, but it made me see that we were two opposite extremes, without balance.
The third lesson hit me while we were watching The Biggest Loser the other night. One of the contestants was thinking of leaving and Bob gave her some words of wisdom about putting herself last. At first I commented to my DH that she was foolish for even thinking of walking away from an opportunity to change her life. The next words out of my mouth were "OMG, how could I judge her when I've done the same thing"? Talk about foolish!
It's obvious to me that I'm still learning and that I have a way to go. I know that old habits are hard to break, but I'm ready to try! I keep a day planner with a list of things that I need to take care of, in order of importance. Why is it that my healthy meal planning, cardio, and weight training are NOT on my list? When did I decide that everything else was MORE important? This morning as I looked at my planner, I fought the urge to blow-off my workout because there was too much I needed to take care of. I put my sneaker on and jumped on my bike, followed by a healthy breakfast and Sparking. The only person that's telling me to put myself AFTER everything else - is ME! Enough already, I'm tired of repeating the same mistakes and I'm ready to learn from them. Stop being a self-sacrificing fool and find some balance - THAT's at the TOP of my new to-do list!!!
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