WINDSWEPTACRES   33,311
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FEELING REALLY DOWN

Saturday, May 03, 2014

Saw the cardiologist on Wednesday, and she put me on a blood pressure medicine which lowered my blood pressure way too much -- 106/57 -- leaving me feeling unfocused and woozy. Called on Friday and didn't get a call back. Meanwhile, my blood sugars are going over-the-top crazy; no answers there either.

Slept until 7 a.m. and Hubby had a fit, because he fed the goats alone -- his choice -- because, he says, I "chose" to sleep late and ignore my responsibilities to the poor goats, who depend on us, and if that's the way I feel about them, what does he need me for? So I'm basically lazy and worthless because I need extra sleep right now.

Unfortunately, this cut to the heart. I'm not pretty, or smart, well-educated or wealthy. All I have going for me is being useful, and apparently if I can't get up at 6:30, nothing else I can do counts toward anything.

Right now I don't even want to speak to him, except out of necessity I cry every time I think about it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PINKPANTHERS 5/4/2014 1:29PM

    Sounds like hubby needs to remove his foot from his mouth, after he removes his head from his butt! I hope he I just scared for you and not handling it well. You are valuable, and having health issues does not in any way make you less valuable. You have to focus on your health right now, and let him deal with the goats. Don't let this get you down, rest and take care of you and worry about your health first. Maybe a reminder of the sickness and health vows is in order. emoticon Sending positive thoughts and blessings your way. Hope the Dr. calls you back and gets this straightened out for you! emoticon

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BWYLDE 5/3/2014 6:12PM

    ((((Hugs)))) Don't feel bad. Every person has great worth and so do you. It sounds like you needed the rest so please don't take to heart what your husband said (It sounds like he spoke without thinking). Health issues can take a toll on our bodies so please take good care of yourself.

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SKIMBRO 5/3/2014 5:34PM

    emoticon I feel so sad and sorry for your situation.

But you are not worthless. You are very valuable and I understand your medical situation as most of us on Sparkpeople do. That is why were are here. emoticon

Your husband may be going through his own coping/uncoping skills right now and everyone deals with stress differently. What I have found is that many times our spouses do not know how to deal with our medical situations...especially when they do not know how to help us. emoticon

I pray that your situation get better and that your husband will find understanding and learn how to help you. emoticon

He may be scared, angry, etc., because you are sick. He could be feeling helpless himself and it is coming out negatively towards you. emoticon

Remember, if no one loves you...you should love you. emoticon

If no one cares for you...you should care for you. emoticon

If no one understands you...you should understand you. emoticon

Keep checking in to Sparkpeople and taking care of yourself. emoticon

God Bless You! emoticon

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VICKI-B-N-FLA 5/3/2014 5:28PM

  I'm so sorry he put you down like that. Hopefully the doctor will call you and get your meds straightened out. You need to take care of you right at this point. Let him take care of the goats!!! emoticon

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Medical Update

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Saw the doctor yesterday. He said my heart is skipping roughly one out of every three beats -- not good. He has to get permission from my insurance company for me to have an EKG and Holter monitor, since he doesn't do anything like that in-house so it may take several weeks to get approval from the insurance company, plus who-knows-how-long to get an appointment with the cardiologist. Welcome to "managed care." Then depending on what they find, possibly echocardiogram and stress test. Beyond that, who knows?

Meanwhile, he says "No heavy lifting" but doesn't define "heavy." Fifty pounds? Twenty? So I guess cutting down trees is out for now. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APPLEPIEAPPLE 1/29/2014 9:52AM

    Take it easy. All will work out.

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JUNEAU2010 1/28/2014 3:45PM

    I hope you're right as rain asap!

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FROSTY99 1/28/2014 2:51PM

    Hope it doesn't take that long to get things approved. Praying all will stay stable while all these issues are ironed out.

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AJB121299 1/28/2014 2:14PM

    Feel better

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When I'm Sixty Four

Saturday, January 25, 2014

When I get older losing my hair
Many years from now
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

If I'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four?

This song came out when I was eighteen, and sixty four was an unimaginable distance away -- I mean old! Well, today I quietly turned 64. Funny, I don't feel old. I just feel like me. My life has turned out nothing like I imagined when I was eighteen. Parts of it were hard. Parts of it were lonely. Often I surprised myself with what I accomplished. Sometimes I disappointed myself.

Some people have one great love in their lives; I've been privileged to have two, very different loves. Each has helped me grow.

Life is good. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FROSTY99 1/28/2014 2:50PM

    Belated emoticon . It is funny to watch kids today who think they have it "all figured out". Guess we did too-some things didn't happen as planned but we have made it to our "wise old age" of xx. I turned 65 in August and I had looked forward to it for so long-Hello Medicare!"" Some days I wonder how did I get to be this old and others I wonder why I am only xx!
May you enjoy many more blessed birthdays.
Pat


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APRILSHOWER555 1/27/2014 10:00PM

    Happy birthday!!! Here's to all your heart's desires!!! emoticon emoticon

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APPLEPIEAPPLE 1/26/2014 10:07AM

    emoticon When I turned 63 in December it was a shocker. Mostly because like you I did not feel any different. I still feel like I am 18 inside only perhaps a bit wiser. Joining the local Senior Center last year was also difficult for me. I want to use their gym for free but I hated to admit I was in my 60's. LOL. The good news is while volunteering for the local museum an acquaintance asked what I was doing these days. When he heard I was retired he looked shocked. I asked him what was wrong. He said I looked way too young to be retired. emoticon Made my day!

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SHERYLP461 1/25/2014 10:45PM

    I remember it too, I'm 66 now, but as with you I don't feel 66.

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LYNMEINDERS 1/25/2014 10:06PM

    I remember that song when it came out as well.......I am a year younger than you and you are right....at that age 64 was OLD....
I agree with you...I just feel like me each day as well......however i do notice that i am npot as fast as I once was but then not sure I was ever very fast.....lol

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A Little Scared

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Finally got my colonoscopy done last Friday -- I'll spare you the details except to say everything was fine 'up there.' However...

Just before they gave me the anesthetic, while they were in the process of hooking me up to the various monitors, the nurse called the anesthetist over and pointed out a series of premature ventricular contractions, and that my blood oxygen had dropped to 79 instead of its usual cheery 95 or better. naturally they told me it was 'nothing to worry about,' and went on with the procedure.

But when I was in recovery, they brought the whole team back in, and my doctor asked my a series of questions: Had I ever had a heart attack? Chest pains? Shortness of breath? Chronic bronchitis? Sleep apnea? This makes me think it's a little more serious.

I'm scared that there may be something wrong with my heart, but I'm more scared of not being able to take care of myself, my husband and my responsibilities. In my family, there's nothing worse than not being able to hold up your responsibilities. At 81, my mother's greatest claim to fame is that she can still take care of herself. I saw what my father went through when he needed to be taken care of. Sure he got the help he needed, but at the cost of being considered useless, a burden, and of having no say in his own care.

I know my husband loves me, but he's been dealing with his own health issues the last couple of years, and although we seldom talk about it, he's been preparing me for widowhood. He wants to make sure I can do everything that needs to be done to keep the house and the property going, the animals cared for, the bills paid. If he died household income would drop by two-thirds, so money would be an issue as well. I'm scared that if it came down to it, I wouldn't be able to take care of myself and there would be nobody else to share the work.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, but there's nobody else I can talk to about this. Need prayers for healing.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARUKI52 1/15/2014 2:48PM

    Sending prayers and hugs your way. You need to know what is going on in your body and hopefully they will find out if there is a problem and be able to sort it out.
emoticon

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APPLEPIEAPPLE 1/14/2014 4:32PM

    I would mention this to your doctor after the results come in from your procedure. Meantime, you need to discuss your concerns with your husband if you have not already. Planning for your future is a family discussion. Make some plans for all contingency's. I did this when my husband became ill. I made plans for how he would be taken care of if anything happened to me and how I would proceed if something happened to him. That way we both felt we had some control over our lives and it helped me to not make rash decisions when he passed away. Dealing with the grief was bad enough. But because we planned our lives and deaths together it made things a bit easier to cope. Also you would be surprised just how strong and able you really are. You are in my prayers.

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FROSTY99 1/14/2014 4:28PM

    Definitely get to the bottom of all of this. Do you have a primary care physician or a cardiologist? Ask for records of what happened at your colonoscopy and then go from there. Better to act before something happens instead of trying to put the pieces back later on.
Have you and your husband considered moving where there would not be so much work for you if something happened to him? If he is already thinking he won't be around to help you, then now is the time to talk about these issues and start to make changes so you don't have so much to worry about.
I know it isn't easy, but I was widowed at 40 but knew it was coming and we had the time to prepare - it is never easy, and lots of issues arose, but I managed.
I am praying that you can get to the bottom of your health issues and start thinking about what you would do if something did happen to DH.
Hugs
Pat

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BOB5148 1/14/2014 2:50PM

  See a doctor it might be nothing

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PIXIE-LICIOUS 1/14/2014 12:43PM

    I understand you being scared. I think anyone would feel the same in your place. I am definitely keeping you in my prayers.
emoticon

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Family Holiday Drama

Saturday, December 28, 2013

If our family had a family crest, our motto would be: "Linda is Wrong." If I wasn't outright accused of lying, I was "mistaken" or "misinterpreting, "over-sensitive" to the point of "looking for excuses to get my feelings hurt." One of my mother's favorite expressions was, "I don't know what you want me to say." But if I told her what I needed from her, I was "trying to run both ends of the conversation." Likewise, unsolicited advice was freely given, but if I asked her outright what she thought I should do, I'd get a chilly, "I'm sure you can figure it out without my help."

For many years, my husband was a buffer between my family and me, because they wouldn't say certain things in front of him, although my mother would frequently wait until he was out of the room to say something cutting. She had even advised him not to marry me, because "Linda isn't very fond of housework." True, alas, but irrelevant. He wasn't marrying me for my floor-scrubbing abilities.

When my Sweetie died suddenly, just before Thanksgiving of 2006, my family could find nothing kind or supportive to say to me. The best they could manage was: "What will you do now? You can't even take care of yourself." My sister picked two fights with me over the phone in the first week of my widowhood, and finally slammed the phone down after announcing that I could call her when I was ready to hear her advice. H-ll hasn't frozen over yet.

Every interaction I had with them left me feeling worse, if you can imagine something worse that losing your husband suddenly, and I decided not to keep in touch with them. I couldn't deal with being "argumentative, weird, incompetent little Linda" while I was trying to hold my life together. Slowly I healed, not just from my husband's death, but from all the other hurts along the way.

Which brings me to my current dilemma.

One of my cousins told me my brother-in-law died over the holidays. He was a nice man and totally devoted to my sister, although I didn't really know him that well. My cousin seems to believe that now is the time to put old grudges aside and be there for my sister and my niece. Unfortunately, because of the family belief that "Linda is Wrong," if I contact them, I will be seen as butting in where I'm not wanted, and probably trying to start an argument, so if I do contact my sister, I would have to be super-careful about every word, every inflection, so she doesn't take offense. Basically, I would have to omit all mention of my own widowhood, and her treatment of me then.

If I don't contact them, it will be seen as selfish and uncaring. I would really like to be there for my niece, who never knew her biological father, and had a close and loving relationship with my brother-in-law, but there is no way I can contact her without my sister getting involved. And I don't want to get sucked back into the family drama.

If I had a mailing address for them, I'd just send a sympathy card with a brief note, but that's not possible. I have my niece's cell-phone number and my sister's e-mail address.

Any advice?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SMITTY4RL 12/29/2013 5:20PM

    Oof, what a dilemma and not an easy one to solve. What do you feel deep down inside is the right thing to do? I would go with that little voice--it's almost always right though the path may be hard. Good luck in making that decision emoticon !

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YBBHAPPY 12/29/2013 10:17AM

    emoticon emoticon

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FROSTY99 12/28/2013 6:19PM

    I was going to suggest you send a sympathy card but since you do not have an address, how about an e-card. You can use 123 greetings, it is a no cost service. Hopefully that will alleviate the stress you are feeling.
I am so sorry your family is not supportive but it seems you have been able to move on and prosper without their support. My in-laws were not at all supportive when their son passed away but at least my family was supportive.
I am praying that this will work out for you. (Would your cousin have the address in case you do still want to try to send a real card?)
emoticon
Pat

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PIXIE-LICIOUS 12/28/2013 6:13PM

    If you write a note to send, do a rough draft first....but don't be afraid of saying what you feel. If someone else takes it the wrong way, then its their problem. But yeah, I know sort of how you're feeling, I have my own family drama too. I am praying that you figure out what to do.
emoticon

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