Wednesday, June 04, 2014
I was the RN manager on the unit at my hospital today when a patient died. I knew that this patient would die sometime soon, and I felt it would be today. The doctors did not believe it would happen today. But I did. I knew. Somehow I knew it would be soon. I had even prepared all the paperwork and had introduced myself to the family at the start of my shift, because I had a feeling that soon, they would need me and I wanted them to know me first. A couple hours later, the patient died. I didn't really know her, or her life story. But, I could tell she was very much loved by the people in the room with her. And she was young. Well, young compared to my typical hospital patient population. I was comforting the nurse who had this patient, as I was trying to do the necessary tasks when this kind of thing happens. I only worked a half shift today. I was home by 1:00. And I didn't realize how much this affected me until later, until I left work. But it has.
I was already physically exhausted at the start of my day because I hadn't slept well last night due to my husband being out of town, and knowing I had to work today. I only work 2 days a week, but they are long 12hr+ shifts. And the night before work is usually a restless night. I woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. Which is rare for me. I have also been exercising quite a bit, trying to reach my goal, and trying hard to eat right. So I am drained.
Then after my difficult morning at work, and my tired body on top of that, I ruined all my diet/exercise work by eating a bunch of junk and a ton of calories. And I feel gross. Now I am exhausted and feeling gross.
And I get to get up and do it all again tomorrow. But, thankfully tonight my husband will be home. I need a hug. I need to be comforted. As nurses we comfort and calm, and yet we don't always get comforted. Sometimes at work if we break down then yes...arms of co-workers are there to hold you up. But as nurses we put on a brave face. This is for the patients that we love and respect. But also to help us do our jobs. We simply cannot break down all the time. And when we get home, it's our families we desperately need.
I wish I hadn't turned to food to comfort me today. I wish I had been stronger and had taken a nap, or called a friend, or just hung in there until my husband came home. But, I didn't. Those all sound like great ideas, but when I am stressed and tired and sad and hungry...I guess I eat badly.
Here's hoping that tomorrow is a better day. And that the next time I am under stress, I make better choices.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
I just realized I didn't check in for April. Well, that is probably ok because it really wouldn't be any different than what I will be saying here.
Life is for learning, and boy am I learning. It has finally sunk in that my body is very unforgiving with poor food choices. During the months of February-March, I gained 4 pounds. I looked back on what I was eating, and although it wasn't horrible, small bad choices made a big difference. That's the unforgiving part. I can't make bad choices occasionally. My body won't let me. I have to make GOOD choices consistently. That's the name of the game. Consistency. That is how I have to get it done.
So, during April I was crossing my arms and pouting because I was mad that I hit my 20 pound loss, and then gained back 4. And all because I ate what I wanted to "a few times". Well, a few times adds up. Like I said, consistency. My trainer made me send him what I was eating everyday. Yowza. Basically he told me to stop it. :) He said be consistent...make it work.
2 weeks ago the scale said I lost 3 pounds! SWEETNESS!!! ALL MY EFFORTS PAID OFF I'M AWESOME. But.....then on Monday it said I gained 3. (I know all about muscle/body fat/weight...but, even my pants were tight so no...it's not a matter of gaining muscle or something). So basically I flipped out. I said screw it to all things weight loss related and got myself a lovely individual sized ham and pineapple pizza. It was awesome. But, I recommitted after my pizza tantrum and got back on track.
Moral of the story is, I am trying. My trainer reminded me of how many carbs and sodium I should have each day. Carbs and Sodium seem to creep in EVERYWHERE, and like to ruin me! And forget about eating out, because even the "healthiest" restaurants cram a bunch of sodium in there. But, I still have to live and I do eat out a lot...so, I'm doing better about reading up ahead of time on what might be best, and then sticking with it.
So even thought my body is unforgiving, I am making peace with that fact. And I know that when I give it the right fuel, I feel better and I know I will reach my goal.
I have a plan and I am going for it!
PLUS- even with all this weight nonsense my arms and legs feel strong thanks to all the strength training. I love that part.
But- body fat. That dang body fat.
See you next month!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Well, My weight has fluctuated a bit this past month. Up and down but just within a few pounds of last month. This is mostly due to not watching, meaning being careful of, everything I eat. And not eating as healthy as I can, and should. But, I am back at it! I feel good, and I am still with my trainer. He has given me a great new workout plan and diet plan. I am excited!
Here's to next month, and better numbers!
Monday, February 17, 2014
My husband and I went away, left the kids, and had a fabulous couple of days to ourselves for valentines day. I could have chosen to eat well during that time, but I actually chose not to. What?!?! Didn't I just post about my 20lb loss?? Yeah, well. Stuff happens.
So- I found myself saying these exact words to my personal trainer this morning when he promptly said (kindly but with firmness) "well, you won't get to your goals like that and you probably set yourself back a week or two." HARSH!! ...But, true. And that is why I told him the truth when he asked how my weekend was. I needed to hear this.
My hubby and I really did have a great time, and ate terrific food. (I think the worst is wasting a bunch of calories on food you don't even enjoy) But, I did have a bit of a stomach ache after, and was slightly bloated, because I just wasn't used to eating like that. But, I can't say I regret it totally. We did enjoy ourselves and had a romantic time. I know my weigh in this week will be bad. And it will hurt to see the numbers I'm sure. But I know me...I know I can get back on track. And I have started to already. I had a GREAT workout today. Lots of weights and lots of cardio. I need to do better with my nutrition. I know A LOT about nutrition...what I should be eating, and about protein, and carbs, and fiber, I just don't always do what I know I should do. I need to do better about eating clean, and preparing and planning. I feel SO GOOD when I do that.
Well, that is the end of my diet repentance. You can look at my food tracker and see just how incredible/insane it was. I put it all out there. I have nothing to hide. Like I have said accountability works for me. I make my food tracker available for all to see. For better or worse. :)
Here is a photo of the spectacular "dessert sampler" we had. Oh my.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
I have lost 22 pounds and have decided to post a progress photo!
I am not at my goal, but yet it is a fun milestone to celebrate, so I figured a photo is a good way to do that!
So, here's to my first 20lb loss! Oh, and I got a haircut to celebrate it too.
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