WILDFIREKRISTIN   4,872
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Walking the FAT LINE and SPARK RALLY..pictures

Monday, July 16, 2012

Walking the Fat Line with Pictures!!!

Sorry for below this blog on the comments, I had to edit a former blog and add it here and ended up leaving the comments. My blog button refuses to work to allow me to add a new blog. Thanks in advance! Kristin

Please let me say first, I am sorry that I haven't been on spark in a very long time! I have missed each of you very much!

I went to the Spark Rally, hosted by Indygirl and it was wonderful to meet many new people. I know Indygirl has posted

a blog and if you haven't yet seen it, please drop by and check it out. I am going to post a few pictures here just in case

you haven't seen it.

I was a speaker, and true confessions had to come out. I had gained back weight and I didn't want to go in front of my

fellow Sparkers and admit defeat, but truth is, not one of us is perfect and I felt I had to be honest and say, yes, I have

lost a lot of weight, but in the long run, I gained back a lot too. Yes, I have still lost 200 pounds and I am proud of that,

however, I have gained back 35 ugly pounds that brought me to my knees and did this within six weeks. I can't tell you what

a huge difference this has made in my body! My back hurts again, I feel sluggish, worn to the bone and let us not talk

about the guilt and shame I allowed to swallow me! I know what my body needs and it isn't these unwanted blubber parts!

How did I manage that after maintaining after months of weight loss? It was easy, I gave way to my old eating habits and I stopped

exercising. Foolish girl I was! The only people that were happy were Dairy Queen and McDonalds to see their old fat girl back!

However, I am not here to beat myself up, nor am I here to make excuses! I am back and ready to start

again with the baby steps I have preached over and over about. Somehow, I thought I could go along and not

do the things I knew were best for me!!! I don't know how or why that happened, but I am taking control back

over my life. Actually, sitting here, I can tell you why it happened, but like I said, no excuses allowed!

I have ate clean for the past two days now and I am happy about that. I am planning clean days and of course

I am planning to eat things that I want too. I have to remember, moderation, moderation, moderation!

This has been one heck of a year and I promise myself and you, I am going to end it on a good note!

GREAT NEWS!!! Website and Support Groups coming soon!!!

Myself and a fellow Sparker are joining forces and we are going to start weekly support groups in our

area. We feel we need the added support of friends that are close and it will help us reach our goals

in helping with others. I am also starting a website that I have had in the works for over a year, called,

Losing4me.com . This is in NO WAY to compete with SparkPeople.com in fact, this will be only a

local meeting place for locals or anyone who wishes to read our blogs, or updates. I am doing this more

for myself then anyone, as I feel it is a great tool to help me continue on the road to successful weight loss!


I hope you enjoy the pictures...and please, please, if I haven't spoken to you in awhile, please, know I still

am here and loving you very much! I wish you all the very best in life and I am back to help support you on

this lifestyle journey!

Step ONE, go back to Spark People and begin ...... Check@

My son Zac, has lost 50lbs this year and is running like mad daily..five miles..I am the proud mama!!!! Even if he is wearing his goofy hat and glasses!



Me at the rally!



My sista and I at the rally!


My best friend and I at rally!!


The four Spark Girlies together again!



Spark Picture of group from the Rally! A couple pics to share!





Love ya all,

Kristin

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUCCEED621 4/8/2014 2:50PM

    Good luck to you! I know how you feel. BUT!!! you lost 200 lbs.......Consentrate on the positive and let the rest go! You can do it!
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MYHUBBYISMYHERO 11/29/2012 1:42PM

    Kristin,
Good luck on your journey. You can do this.
sharon

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KATWOMAN234 11/25/2012 6:03PM

    Trying to get back on track also. Breaking my wrist put a damper on my exercising so I also have regained about 20lbs. But what is important is picking ourselves back up and starting again. Hope all is well with you my friend!!

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YATMAMA 10/1/2012 2:40PM

    What awesome pics, my beautiful friend! I, too, have regained some of my hard lost weight and I'm ready to kick butt again. How EASY it is to start driving through again. Right? grrrrrrrrrrrr We are gonna make it OUT of the fat cycle forever!! Kudos on your support group. How I wish, wish, wish you were closer so I could attend them!! I love you, sweetpea. You are my hero forever.

HUGS

Missy

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LLINDY65 9/30/2012 10:17PM

    Was nice to meet you thanks for posting pics

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SHEENADEE 9/30/2012 9:35PM

    Hello! It was so nice to meet you at the rally. I hope to see you at the next one too.

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HOLLYM48 9/30/2012 9:40AM

    I think we all need to here that we are not perfect and we will have setbacks but to see the courage of those that have lost so much weight and to see that it is a struggle for you everyday not to go back to the old ways is a reality check for us as well to say, watch out, those old ways are easy to fall back into but tomorrow is another day to get back on track. Sounds like a fun time at the rally and your webpage sounds like a great idea. It is people like you that make this website so inspirational! Great job.

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NEWMOM20121 9/30/2012 9:12AM

    Thank you for sharing. Love the pictures.



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~INDYGIRL 9/30/2012 5:05AM

    The rally was such fun! Post more pics! YAY!

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LUCYLU22 9/29/2012 12:55AM

    Missed you sweetie! Glad to see you back and ready to get to it!!! Love the pictures, I am so glad you had a great time at the rally.

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Lisa

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COOKWITHME65 9/28/2012 7:08PM

    You are glowing Kristin! so glad to here about your upcoming group meetings and website. Of course I will be bookmarking it and checking it out regularly. A Big emoticon to your son Zac. You tell him show him my sparkpage and tell him Chloe and I thing he is just emoticon to be be be out there exercising and taking good care of his body. You have every right to be proud Kristin. You have done a fine job in raising your sons.

Love ya - K

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CINDHOLM 9/28/2012 4:45PM

    emoticon Thanx for posting the pix..The rally was fun and it was GREAT seeing you again!! emoticon

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MILLIE5522 9/28/2012 2:13PM

    So good to hear from you again! emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 9/28/2012 1:10PM

    hi love it is great hearng from you again ,whatever size you are lol.looks like a great time at the spark rally i wished i lived near enough to go lol.also like your meeting idea,again wished i lived closer but if i can i would love to read your blogs on your website when you set it up.take care love and keep on keeping on everyone is rootin for ruby i am rooting for you love. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CRESHA20 9/28/2012 1:03PM

    I am glad that you're back on here. There is nothing wrong with slipping as long as you recognize and get back up and keep it moving. This journey is not meant to be perfect. Those times when we slip will be the times we will probably learn from the most. It is very easy to slip back into old habits. Knowing that will help you to recognize the habits as you forge ahead on this journey. Welcome Back, and you still look great!

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WILDFIREKRISTIN 9/28/2012 12:47PM

    I am sorry about the comments below this blog, because I couldn't use my spark blog button to add a blog, I had to use an old blog and edit it and put the new blog in its place. I love you all!

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RISINGBLUESTAR 9/28/2012 6:46AM

    I enjoyed this blog so much. Nobody likes ugly pounds but you know exactly what you need to do and you will do it, I have no doubts. You are one of my favorite sparkers and you are very inspiring. When I felt down and hopeless, you reminded me that there is always hope.
I will NEVER forget those words. :)

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DTYUNGU 8/15/2012 9:53AM

    coming from oklahoma! :) excited to you meet you all!

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HDANGELB4U 8/5/2012 6:18PM

    emoticon

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SANDRA2BSKINNY 7/28/2012 11:11AM

    I live in California so will have to read about.

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HDANGELB4U 7/22/2012 11:13PM

    will be there


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TEENY_BIKINI 7/20/2012 8:56AM

    Thanks for sharing the info. I am sure it will be a blast!!

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NEWMOM20121 7/19/2012 10:55PM

    Sounds like a lot of fun and I would love to meet spark friends. However I am in California, I will have to look forward to reading about it.

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SNOWANGELDIVA 7/17/2012 3:02PM

    9.5 hour drive...that would be so awesome though...Have a SPARKtastic time, Diva!!

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MISSROCKABILLY 7/17/2012 1:29PM

    I'm going to have to see how my school schedule pans out for fall before I can commit to making it, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. It's only 3.5 hours or so from me, and I would love to be able to come and meet you and more sparkers in person!

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SUSIEPH1 7/17/2012 5:43AM

    Hi Kristin !!
sounds like a wonderful meet up .. wish I could come .. but I am a bit far away ... enjoy my friend !!
Love and Hugs Susie emoticon emoticon

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CINDHOLM 7/16/2012 8:17PM

    I WILL be seeing you there!!! emoticon

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WILDFLOWERMA 7/16/2012 6:10PM

    Aww too far for me, but have a wonderful time!

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BMCKEOW1 7/16/2012 4:19PM

    Wish I was closer I would love to go.

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ASHIKIME 7/16/2012 3:15PM

    I wish I was anywhere close to there!

btw, love the wedding dress in your background.. I wish it was bigger so I could see it better lol

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GARDENQE2 7/16/2012 1:31PM

    I will be in Chicago August 23-27. AWW! I'll miss your rally, but be with you in spirit! emoticon

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FLPALM 7/16/2012 1:17PM

    Kristen, I soooo wish, I was closer! We are on the EAST COAST, approximately 1500-1600 miles away! But, I can't wait for all your input AFTER the RALLY! Photos, stories, inspirations, this would be GREAT!


Hugs,

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PAMNANGEL 7/16/2012 1:02PM

    It'd be nice to have a rally in the Sacramento, Ca area. Good luck with your rally.

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WILDFIREKRISTIN 7/16/2012 12:40PM

    Thank you ladies!!!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 7/16/2012 12:36PM

    Very much out of my area, but I will like it for you emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 7/16/2012 12:28PM

    wish i could join you love.get someon to tape your speach so i can see it.can´t wait and i am so excited for you love.you will be great. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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To my Kareem with Love

Thursday, June 14, 2012




5 months until I marry the man of my dreams!!!! Someone pinch me.....


I used to think love what but a dream
Until I met a man named, Kareem
He fills my heart with desire
Burning my soul with his flame of fire
Kareem, is so pure and kind
Possessing a resplendent mind
Kareem is an angel human on our earth
He gives my life new meaning of worth
He restores my faith in God and love
As he is my blessing from the heaven above
Thank you Kareem, for loving me so true
I could never love another more than I love you!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DTYUNGU 8/15/2012 9:54AM

    Im so happy for you! Cant wait to find my mr right

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FREETHEGODDESS 7/17/2012 2:35PM

    Best wishes to you both!
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ANGELSANDYBABY 7/16/2012 3:59PM

    emoticon

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WILDFIREKRISTIN 7/16/2012 12:26PM

    OMG! I love this man~!!!

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TIRED49 6/23/2012 6:34PM

    Congratulations! So exciting!

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PURPLEPEONY 6/23/2012 12:01PM

    emoticon

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SANDRA2BSKINNY 6/22/2012 11:03AM

    So happy for the both of you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NOTGIVINGUP49 6/19/2012 10:00PM

    So happy for the two of you! emoticon

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JAZZEJR 6/19/2012 9:04PM

    Kristin, I am SO HAPPY for you. You deserve all his love and more.

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MI-ELLKAYBEE 6/19/2012 3:44PM

    Awesome, so heart felt and well written. You are an inspiration. Kareem is blessed to have found YOU!

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TRACYZABELLE 6/18/2012 2:51AM

    emoticon

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COOKWITHME65 6/17/2012 10:42AM

    So happy for you Kristin.

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BEYONDLIMITS 6/17/2012 10:23AM

    Wow! You're doing a great job on your plan. I know it isn't easy but you're sticking with it and you are attracting wonderful things into your life. I wish you more of the same.

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ROSGETSSERIOUS 6/16/2012 6:03PM

    I am so happy for you - love is the greatest blessing we have!! Love your heartfelt poem.
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ALPHASENIOR 6/16/2012 2:00PM

    Wow, Kristin. I hope you know how admirable you are. You lost all that weight, you are raising your sons, and still have time and trust enough to let love into your life, and to thrive on everything.
Everything you are doing, just keep doing.
Pauline

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SERENEART 6/16/2012 8:49AM

    I'm so happy for you!

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DEE797 6/15/2012 5:34PM

    Love your poem. Wishing you both much happiness. emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 6/15/2012 3:49PM

    Awww... You are just soooooo lovable. Many years of happiness to you and your love.

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LUCYLU22 6/15/2012 1:46AM

    Beautiful Kristin! I am soooooooooo very happy for you!! You deserve the best, my dear!!

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MNGIRLIE 6/14/2012 10:57PM

    It's beautiful Kristin!

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SNOWANGELDIVA 6/14/2012 9:30PM

    emoticon emoticon
I LOVE ~ LOVE!!!
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YATMAMA 6/14/2012 8:37PM

    Awwww That is so beautiful. I rejoice over you, precious lady. God has done such a mighty, mighty work. I can veritably hear the chains that once oppressed you and limited you falling off, clanking to the ground, never to be hindrances again. Five months. Wow!! Plenty, plenty love to you and your three darling fellows.

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ME_FIRST 6/14/2012 8:34PM

    Beautiful Kristin. I am so happy for you and wish you everything wonderful that life has to offer.... you deserve it my sweet friend. Yvonne

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SIBLEYHONEYBEE 6/14/2012 7:20PM

    Congratulations! My DH and I are celebrating 15 years of marriage next month. Time flies when you're having FUN! Wishing you many happy years together as well. :)

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DIDMIS 6/14/2012 6:47PM

    So Beautiful. I had a wonderful man also.

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SUSIEPH1 6/14/2012 6:41PM

    Congratulations to you both .... lovely to hear you have found your soul mate ..Love your poem to your beloved !! . emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GEECHEGIRL4 6/14/2012 6:28PM

  amazing poem.....so happy forr you and Kareem emoticon emoticon

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MIAA382 6/14/2012 5:23PM

  so happy for you

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CHELEMIA 6/14/2012 5:15PM

    I am so glad you have him at your side in these times!

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LORI1132 6/14/2012 5:04PM

    Beautiful! Your posts are a blessing! emoticon

Lori

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CINDHOLM 6/14/2012 3:46PM

    Thanx for sharing!! emoticon

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JENNY712 6/14/2012 3:35PM

    emoticonfor sharing ! emoticon Happy for you both and having the Lord as Lord in your marriage is priceless! Best Wishes to you both. emoticon

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DENNETJ 6/14/2012 2:56PM

    I'm so happy for you!

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SKINNYPOWELL1 6/14/2012 2:52PM

    Love is the in the air emoticon. Congrats.

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WILDFIREKRISTIN 6/14/2012 2:28PM

    Thank you for all your love and comments..I didn't think anyone would read this...silly me! I love all your support!

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EVER-HOPEFUL 6/14/2012 2:17PM

    i agree with terrimmix you could read that at the wedding what a great testament to your love.but you know what he is also getting a good deal with you.you will both make such a lovely couple and kareem is such a beatiful name with a beautiful meaning.that is whyx i chose the female form karimeema for my islamic name

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TERRIMMIX 6/14/2012 1:49PM

    You could read that at your wedding! That's so beautiful! You're very talented. :-)

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KIMCOLLINGS 6/14/2012 1:48PM

    That is so sweet! I'm so happy for you!!

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NEWMOM20121 6/14/2012 1:32PM

    Very nice.

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LAURA1079 6/14/2012 1:21PM

    BEAUITIFUL!! emoticon

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PEARL-LADY 6/14/2012 1:19PM

    So good to hear that you are so happy my friend! thought you would have posted new pics of your journey by now....hope that you are keeping well, miss hearing from you!!

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CATS_MEOW_0911 6/14/2012 1:14PM

    Beautiful! So happy for you.
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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

240 pounds GONE! 5, 4, 3, 2...here I come finish line! I ROCK!!!

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

OMG..can you believe this?

When I started Spark, I was full of hope, but short on belief in myself. I had lost a few pounds on my own, always to gain them back.

My total weight balloned quickly to 536 pounds and I couldn't walk, couldn't breath without oxygen and ate to help myself to an early grave.

I am so happy to announce that I busted through the 5's..4's and 3's

I AM OFFICALLY 294!

Okay, I know some of you are thinking...good lord...she is happy about being 294 pounds?????

DARN TOOTIN' I AM AND I AM RAISING THE ROOF IN HAPPINESS!

Lately so many people have asked me to be friends, they say I inspire them and they feel hopeless on their own journeys to health, but I don't want to inspire, I want to help

EMPOWER them on their own success story. Everyone has a success story in them and I hope to help each of you find that story within yourselves.

Thank you for all the frienship adds, motivational messages, lovely heart felt emails and for the constant support

here on SPARK PEOPLE.

My life is changing everyday and I am proud to call SPARK PEOPLE my home and so THANKFUL for all my friends here who accept

me for the person I WAS and for NEW the person that is unfolding before your eyes.

I love you all and remember..................................
......

We can do anything we put our minds too...YOU GOT THIS BABY!

Much love and hugs,


Kristin

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IM_POSSIBLE 7/25/2012 1:10PM

    What an amazing story you have!!! Thank you for sharing it!! And I agree...YOU are an inspiration!!

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BOBBBI_97 7/18/2012 9:16PM

    I am so proud to call you my friend...and I will be in the 2's one day and I am
hoping that I am by my b-day on 10-28 and I will be so thrilled...I hope you won't
mind if I add you because you have done and awesome job...and congrats on
getting married in december of 2012...you deserve it.


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LYNSEY723 7/17/2012 11:23AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CJADERUN 7/17/2012 5:02AM

    Thank you for justifying everything I have ever said about people complaining about being too fat to lose weight: No one is too fat to lose weight. If you want it, just work at it, and you'll get there.

And you did! I don't even know who you ARE and I'm proud of you! This is amazing! Congratulations!

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NASFKAB 7/16/2012 7:53PM

  CONGRATULATIONS have to shout it

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WILDFLOWERMA 7/16/2012 6:13PM

    You are incredible, amazing, phenomenal...so many more adjectives to go!!! Congratulations!

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CONNIEKANDOIT 7/6/2012 9:57PM

    That is incredible. emoticon

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EMILYDOODLE 6/24/2012 9:55PM

  congrats, great job, way to go!

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PURPLEPEONY 6/23/2012 12:00PM

    well you inspired me and I`d love for you to help me. emoticon

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THISISGREAT2 6/23/2012 12:16AM

  Wow!! Your amazing! Good for you!

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RANDOM00B 6/22/2012 9:53PM

    Congratulations on your success!!

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JACKIEMOMOF3 6/21/2012 1:33PM

    I am in awe of you....You've accomplished so much even though you haven't reached your goal. I felt exactly the same when the weight started coming off. I started out at 328 lbs and when I entered the 200's I was happy and when I hit the 100's I was ecstatic. I'm 196 and have a ways to go but I don't think people would understand how happy I am to be 196 and some probably think I'm nuts but OH WELL!! My hats off to you. Take a bow!! You have achieved so much and I commend you and congratulate you. So, I'm gonna celebrate right along with you!! Best Wishes!

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~Jackie

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CATDUG19 6/20/2012 1:07PM

    You deserve to raise the roof!! What a really motivation you are, keep going you r worth it!

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CULAINA 6/20/2012 8:02AM

    Wow, it sounds like so much has changed in your life whilst I have been away from spark. I am soooooo happy for you. Congratulations!

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NOTGIVINGUP49 6/19/2012 10:03PM

    emoticon Keep on going! Onederland is the next hurdle. I KNOW emoticon

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DOTSLADY 6/19/2012 10:44AM

    Hi Kristen - haven't stopped by in a while and thought I would ... but where is she? I don't recognize her. ;0)

WAY TO GO! You're amazing and kicking butt!
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AMALYNROSE 6/17/2012 3:43PM

    Wow that is AMAZING! YOU are amazing!

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MAESMOM100 6/17/2012 12:04AM

    Good job just keep on going.

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SERENEART 6/16/2012 8:48AM

    emoticon emoticon Congrats! I'm celebrating with you! It's so awesome. Thank you for being here.

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DEE797 6/15/2012 12:49PM

    You are such an inspiration and I want to thank you for sharing your journey with us. emoticon

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MAGGIEVAN 6/15/2012 3:37AM

    Fantastic! I am sooo happy for you. You are living proof that keeping on keeping on is working. Nothing can stop you now.

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LUCYLU22 6/15/2012 1:49AM

    emoticon Girl!! You deserve a BIG congrats!!! WTG keep on rockin' it, and you do EMPOWER us all!!

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WANNABFIT34 6/14/2012 7:44PM

    That is great!! Keep it up!

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SIBLEYHONEYBEE 6/14/2012 7:14PM

    Wow! Amazing! Keep Sparkin' Who knows? - maybe we can even make it to One-derland!

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DIDMIS 6/14/2012 6:50PM

    You are emoticon

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ILOVEJIM851991 6/14/2012 4:21PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CATS_MEOW_0911 6/13/2012 11:33PM

    Fantastic, Kristin--just fantastic. What positive changes you have made for your health! Rock on, woman!
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RESTORETOSANITY 6/13/2012 2:09PM

  LOL, that's how I feel about leaving 288 behind and reaching 230...I know I'm still big but at the same time, I'm not as big as I was! Read through every blog, thank you so much for putting yourself out there. And it really is like every pound lost is opening a new drawer of emotional stuff...Thank you for being there for us.

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THE_COUNTESS 6/13/2012 12:53PM

    HOORAY! Toot that horn girl! That's great! emoticon

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ERLYWA 6/13/2012 12:45PM

    You are absolutely amazing! Inspirational AND definitely helping others by sharing your journey :)

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RIET69 6/13/2012 10:43AM

  Wonderful accomplishment!! You are to be congratulated and I encourage you to keep going. I could easily have become what you were because I love food so much. Thanks for you and people like you. emoticon

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SLEEPTALKS 6/13/2012 8:17AM

  You are truly amazing! Congratulations! I wish there were a bigger word than Congratulations, this is such an amazing achievement! Wow!

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TIRED49 6/13/2012 12:26AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon all rolled into one!
So happy you are seeing the twos!

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RICHILA 6/12/2012 8:57PM

    Woo Hoo! I know what it means to see a number that starts with a 2 instead of a 3.
Spark On! We Got this! emoticon

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EMILYDOODLE 6/12/2012 3:14PM

  congrats and keep up the good work!

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MYBLUEIRIS 6/12/2012 12:48PM

    You are fabulous! Keep on going! Keep on taking care of you, keep on being strong, keep on being fit! You are such an inspiration! I am so proud of you! emoticon

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RICCILYNN 6/12/2012 11:52AM

    wow!! Congratulations and keep up the good work!!!

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_CYNDY55_ 6/11/2012 11:34PM

    emoticon
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HDANGELB4U 6/11/2012 7:38PM

    you are the magic behind the way you feel and you rock love you always sis emoticon

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CHRISKENANDKIDS 6/11/2012 7:36PM

    You go friend! That is something to be PROUD of! You SHOULD be raising the roof! You ROCK! :) Congratulations!

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CHEEKY1000 6/11/2012 7:13PM

    You have every right to raise the roof! Break it open, in fact! Congrats! Hard work DOES pay off.

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TAMIPCHICAGO 6/11/2012 6:01PM

    Just awesome! You should be crowing about that. It's fantastic.

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KERLIN26 6/11/2012 5:46PM

  I'm so proud of you, my friend!

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MI-ELLKAYBEE 6/11/2012 5:28PM

    Not only have you totally changed your life, yoyu are inspiring so many people to change theirs. God bless you - - - keep on keeping on! You are SO worth it!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 6/11/2012 1:48PM

    emoticon emoticon

Way to go! You are doing an amazing job!! I am so proud of what you have accomplished!

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ANTOSZEWSKIA 6/11/2012 12:57PM

    I wish I could LOVE this! CONGRATS!

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COOKWITHME65 6/11/2012 12:43PM

    Awesome news! You are amazing.

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BAREFOOTMTNGIRL 6/11/2012 9:05AM

    Are you serious? Inspiring people IS helping them! And I'm sorry, but you are an inspiration. Congratulations on your success!

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GEMINISUE 6/10/2012 4:38PM

    So Happy for You!

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MEESHINTHEUK 6/10/2012 2:09PM

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

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What can I change today that makes me live for NOW

Monday, April 16, 2012


My wedding DRESS!


I haven't been on SPARK PEOPLE for over 52 days and even then it was only to update about my mother's health status. I feel very disconnected in my own weight loss journey and started calling this a diet..not a lifestyle. Amazing how life can throw you back in the the same old dull routines and bad habits. I have lost successfully over 200 pounds and have a long way to go, but I am BACK and I am going to work harder then ever to achieve my goals.

My mother passed away, March 10, 2012. It was a devastating moment in my life. Sadly, I had to be the one to ultimately pull the plug as people refer to it on my mother's life. This was a choice I never, ever, wanted to make and having to do so has brought so many emotions to the top of my life that I have been overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and guilty all at the same time. I won't lie, I also feel relief. If you have never been through an illness with a loved one, you may not understand the relief I feel, however, if you have, then you know you are happy that the person is no longer suffering and that the weight of "when and what ifs" are over.

I spent my first holiday without my mom. Easter, one of my mother's favorites, I spent all in bed all day alone, mourning the loss of my mother. She wouldn't have wanted this, but I couldn't bring myself to get on with life or out of that bed. A couple of weeks ago I realized I was heading down the wrong path, yet once again and I went to see my doctor. For this first time ever, I can remember communicating to someone the REAL feelings inside of me. I told her how angry I have been and hateful to. She was not stunned as she deals with my major depression, but instead of me saying, all is okay, I laid it all on the line and told her what was inside.

She sent me to a partner in her medical facility, with whom I did not want to see. I was sure that no one could help me or understand what was happening to me. After all, I have been to so many do good doctors only to feel more exhausted then when I first entered treatment. Being a trained social worker and having worked in this field for sometime, I know how to play the system and say the right things, but why I did that, I haven't a clue. Why couldn't I be honest and explore what the heck was going on inside of my brain and the things that were eating me alive? Going to see this new person, Michelle, last week, I entered the office with an attitude. I knew she wasn't going to ultimately be my counselor so frankly I didn't give a damn what she thought of me. Again, this is the strange behavior I have possessed as of late. This is the anger, I don't know what to do with.

Michelle, having dealt with people like me on numerous occasions was ready for me. She had a case notes in a file she reviewed before I entered her office, so she already knew that she was dealing with someone who can't shake hands or be touched easily. She knew I would be angry and most likely uncooperative, because I told my doctor, I am only doing this for you. This is bull and won't help me. Welcome to my pleasant attitude.

Michelle sat down and I didn't bother to look at her, she gave me the space I needed to open up. I knew what she was doing, so I was careful and guarded and didn't want to play along. Then something happened. She started asking all the right questions. i was stunned, because she asked them so confidently like she understood what was happening in my brain. I would answer one question and she would draw another out of me and before long, I found myself telling the truth. NOT only to her, but to myself. I was amazed that anyone could ask questions so well and cut me right to the bone. I wasn't going to answer, but then the sensible Kristin came running back like a flood of a river and I wanted to know, what the hell was wrong with me.

Then came the diagnosis. I really didn't want to hear it, but I knew in my mind and heart, that I needed to hear this. I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar II and PTSD. The have advised me to have intense therapy and within the next few months I should have a much happier frame of mind. Also, they ordered a new medication to help stabilize the ups and downs of my life. I haven't a clue if it works yet, because it has only been a week since it was ordered for me and I have been taking it. She is increasing the dose, every couple of weeks until she finds something that will work for me and with my other medications. I only pray this helps. Normally, I would be ashamed of this, but you know what? I am NOT! I need the help and I am finally going to get it.

Living without my Mom has been so hard, the life changes are astronomical for me. I had no idea I would go through this much pain. With that said, I believe my mother is up in Heaven pulling strings to help me get out of my own head and follow through on this journey. I don't want it to end here. Although I feel good with my weight now, yes, I know your saying to yourself, no one can feel good at 303 pounds, you would be wrong. Being 536 pounds I felt hopeless, scared, afraid of living, alone, lonely, tired and so much more. I now have HOPE again, to have a normal life, whatever that may be.


Some AWESOME things in my life I want to SHARE!

1. I am getting the help I need through therapy and medications

2. I am able to put my mother's passing to peace

3. I am open to new things

4. I realize I am worth fighting for and getting back on track

5. and this is a shocker. I AM GETTING MARRIED!

I finally found a man who loves me for me. Inside out. He is kind, loving, and warm. He is body beautiful, but his brain is far more sexier then any other man I have ever met. He can speak, write and communicate 7 different languages. He is beyond intelligent and one of his favorite things to do is read...as he thirsts for knowledge always. I love that about him. He is constantly thought provoking and teaching me new things daily. He is so funny and tries to make me laugh.

What I love about him the most is this...he understands me. He went to talk to a friend of his about me, because my insecurity can drive him crazy. He doesn't understand why I have it. I say, uh duh look at me and look at you. His response to that? Kristin, it is only weight, and we will train to get that gone, but your heart is so loving and kind, I have never met another like you and I want you to be my wife and you are already my goddess and I find you to be so beautiful. Please he tells me, see what I see. He always says, Kristin, find the good in you, and please love (his words and sweet name for me) use the white page. He means start fresh. His friend the counselor said to him, "drop Kristin, she has had to much in her life for you to understand and deal with and her trauma is from when she was a child."

How that man knew that, I don't know. I suspect my darling man really did listen when I talked and was able to describe some things to him. Instead of dropping me and moving on this wonderful man said to me and I quote, " Kristin, I am never going to walk away from you, never let you down, I told my friend, she needs me and I need to be there for her, she just needs real love and someone to count on."

OMG, even now I am crying. How could someone love me so much, even when I push so hard for him to leave me because I am sure I am not good enough for someone so intelligent and kind?

Before my mother died her and I had a long talk about this wonderful man of mine and she was worried I could get my heart hurt, but the night before her death she wanted and told me to be happy and gave me her blessing. It was her last words to me. I feel that God has sent me a gift and a blessing. And with my mother's approval I have accepted his marriage proposal.

I have so much to be THANKFUL for.

I have my health that I am regaining.

I have my children and family.

I have common sense to get my behind back to SPARK PEOPLE

I have awesome friends here on SP that stand behind me, support me, hold me up when I need it and push me to do my best and strangely enough, have not even once given up on me

and much to my happiness and surprise

I have the love of a good, kind and generous man.

Please meet my love of my life, Kareem. We will be married at the end of this year and my life will have changed so much in the two years I will have been on spark people. Everything is positive and moving forward.




We have to be in this life people..so let's live it~ for the here and the NOW!

I am NOT NOW OR NEVER GIVING UP. Please come along with me on my journey of renewed faith in myself and in the life I hold so dearly.

I love you friends! I have missed each and everyone of you and I am back to support you. Please forgive my long absence and know that while I was gone each of you were in my mind and heart always.

Love,

Kristin

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERLYWA 6/13/2012 1:08PM

    I know I am very late in reading this blog, but am playing catch up after being gone from SP myself for quite some time....

Wow, this blog had me all over the place emotionally:

I am very sad for your loss of your mother; I am so sorry to hear this. I dread the day when I lose mine, so I can only imagine how difficult losing your Mom must be. My warmest thoughts are with you for peace.

Then I swelled with pride over your willingness to reach out for help! People say that those of us who utilize the tools of counseling and medication are weak; I say that we are the strongest of all! Because we know we need help and we go out there and get it. So don't listen to anyone who criticizes you for this-you are STRONG for getting the help you need. Only a strong person can open up their heart and soul like you did with that therapist; it is scary to be so vulnerable but by doing so, you found the help you really needed. Good for you!!

And then my heart sang for you finding the love of your life! I found mine about a year ago and had the very same struggles as you, "How could this smart (almost done with his PhD), handsome, kind, loving man love ME??" I too felt I didn't deserve him. But with his constant love and acceptance I was able to realize that I am worthy of his love. I am SOOOOO thrilled for you to have met the man who helps you realize YOUR worth, too. I can't wait to see the wedding photos of the happy couple! :)

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this blog, it was so good to read! And good for you for getting back here...you've been missed! :)

Erika

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JFTODAY 6/10/2012 1:55PM

    Kristen, I was so moved by your post and extend my deepest sympathies for the loss of your mother. Mine died in 2007 and I feel that is when my weight got truly out of control.

I know what you mean about never realizing you could feel that much pain. Losing our parents is something that most of us will go through at some point because it is normally the natural order of things for them to go first. Yet there are no words to describe the void of waking up in a world where your mother no longer is.

I'm glad you had some time to have important talks with her and received her blessing on your upcoming marriage. I know those words will hold you up during the dark times of missing her.

Your weight loss success is amazing. I'm near the beginning of my journey. I know my mother would not be happy that I gained so much weight after she died. But shame only serves to hold me down, so I'm choosing to concentrate on today and take one day at a time.

Blessings to you.

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DFROMTX 6/3/2012 11:14AM

    Kristin, it was so good to hear from you again. I am glad you have found a life partner (he sounds great) & are getting help from what sounds like a good doctor.

I want to extend my sympathies to you in the loss of your mother. Mine has been gone 29 years, but I miss her every day.

Keep the faith & keep in touch on SP so we can keep up with you.



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PRINCESS1959 5/30/2012 10:09AM

    Great dress

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CHANGING-TURTLE 5/28/2012 10:57AM

    I am glad you are happy now. Sorry for the loss of your Mom emoticon emoticon

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LIZGILB 4/29/2012 11:11PM

    Kristen -Glad to see you back and Happy!! I was worried about you. You are an amazing person.

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MAVERICK59 4/26/2012 12:14AM

    I am happy for you. You deserve a good life.
God Bless.

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CARANN56 4/24/2012 7:17AM

    First of all - let me express my sincere sympathy on the loss of your mother. I know that is difficult no matter your age or circumstances.

Second - Congratulations on opening up and finding the right people to help you deal with your difficulties. What a great step you have taken.

Third - Congratulations on finding Mr. Wonderful. He sounds like a very caring, loving man.

emoticon

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HONEYBEADS 4/22/2012 7:16PM

    May God bless you and give you comfort.
You are on the right track!


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TINNATEE 4/20/2012 5:04PM

    I am so sorry about your momma. I sincerely hope the drs/counselors are getting you the help you seek - it sounds like you are on the right track. Congrats on your relationship. You are a wonderful person and HE is very lucky to have you.

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SPARKLISE 4/19/2012 10:00PM

    Congratulations on finaly being honest with yourself and your doctor and for getting the help you needed.
No shame in that.
Hope you find hapiness you deserve with your new man.
emoticon

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TRACYZABELLE 4/19/2012 5:14AM

    SO sorry for your loss.. At least you know she is at peace now. Best of luck to you in making your future so much better!

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HDANGELB4U 4/18/2012 10:15PM

    way to go sis hope you are on your way to making wedding plans and i hope to talk to you soon please keep me in th lop love you always


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NOTGIVINGUP49 4/17/2012 11:16PM

    The passing of my mother was THE hardest thing I have every dealt with. However, it was also the catalyst for my changing my life. You see I promised my mother before she died that I would be ok and that I would take care of myself. I have taken good care of myself and have changed my life. The only thing that saddens me about it is that my mother is not here to see my success.

Glad you are back on SP and have up coming wedded bliss plans! emoticon

Keep blogging and sparking daily! They are the key to success! emoticon

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BE-THE-CHANGE 4/17/2012 10:06PM

    Kristin, I am sorry for the loss of your mom. But I am so happy to hear that things have been going better for you. It sounds like you have found the right people to talk to.

Congratulations on your impeding wedding!

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COOKWITHME65 4/17/2012 8:13PM

    So happy to see your return to SP. So sorry to hear of your Mother's passing. I have been so worried about you. How fantastic that you found Michelle to help you with your healing. A blessing I believe sent from above. And my goodness your engaged! So happy for you! You never know what lies ahead of us. Like you said LIve life NOW!
Nicely put.

I will send you a private message in a day or two with regards to Bob. Thankyou for thinking of my Mom. She is doing well.

emoticon - Kristan

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BLVINBUTTERFLYS 4/17/2012 4:58PM

    emoticon emoticon

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FOREVERFITCHICK 4/17/2012 2:43PM

    You help me to find clarity in my life with the wisdom of your writings! May the pain from your loss lessen as time heals your heart. Missed you......

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FIERCE_FABULOUS 4/17/2012 1:59PM

    first of all, i want to offer my deepest sympathy to the loss of your mother. may she rest in peace. also, congratulations on your engagement! that is awesome!! your fiance is a HAWTIE! lol it is so great to be able to find true love and someone you can connect with like that. he sounds like a keeper! =) welcome back to SP, we are so glad you are here! emoticon

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DEE797 4/17/2012 12:00PM

    So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. emoticon I am happy to hear that you have found someone to share you life with. What wonderful news.

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LUCYLU22 4/17/2012 11:45AM

    My dear, sweet friend, I am soo very happy to see you back on SP ready to get to work again. I have been keeping you close to my heart these last few months. I am so sorry to hear about your mother's passing, you will be in my continued prayers. You have a heart of gold, and you deserve every happiness, especially a wonderful, loving man who thinks the world of you! Congrats to you both!

Here to cheer you on in all that you have already accomplished, and in all that you will accomplish in the future! May God bless you!

Love from your SP friend,
Lisa

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BAYBELIEVER 4/17/2012 10:27AM

    Congratulations on the progress you have made in living the past 2 months! I am sorry for your mother's passing, but as you said, I also had to "pull the plug" for my mother. It is hard, but I knew it is what she would have wanted. And, she is now able to live a life un-encumbered by her physical limitations and her pain. I am so glad that you have had such good health care, both physical and mental, to move on and see that life is worth grabbing! I know you were already doing that, but you seem to have made such progress! You deserve to be loved so glad you are going for it!

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JAZZEJR 4/17/2012 10:19AM

    Your blogs are such a blessing--your insights are delivered with such clarity. You really should consider writing a book, with your social work background and wonderful writing skills, you could do a bang-up job. This one warmed my heart. Everything's coming up ROSES for you now, Kristin. Accept that and enjoy it!

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-POOKIE- 4/17/2012 9:57AM

    Im pleased you see hope in counselling, I found it one of the most reeing experiences of my life.

Im very happy to have turned my life around with counselling.

And Im happy for you too! Wonderful news!

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MILLIE5522 4/17/2012 7:34AM

    I am so glad that you are back! I have often thought of you and wondered how you were doing. My deepest sympathies on the loss of your mother. I know that there will be some tough times ahead and though I am unable to give you a hug in person I will be sending you many hugs in virtual form!

Congratulations on your engagement! He sounds like a great guy who will be able to give you a lot of love and support.

Love Sarah

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CIVIAV 4/17/2012 7:11AM

    How beautiful, the sharing, the dress and Kareem! You are on the road. Keep on going gorgeous and know Mom is watching to see your happiness...

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RISINGBLUESTAR 4/17/2012 2:58AM

    I'm sorry for your loss.

I just want to commend you for sharing your stuggles and diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and that's good that you are not ashamed of getting the help because that is nothing to be ashamed of, but something to be VERY PROUD of!

So many of us get swallowed up in our problems and we forget to LIVE in the present moment. Thanks for reminding us! :)


CONGRATS on fining love!!! :)
and
WELCOME BACK TO SP!
emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/17/2012 2:59:20 AM

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TIRED49 4/17/2012 12:51AM

    So sorry for your loss. I know your pain as I lost my Mom 10 years ago and I still miss her so much.
Thankful that you are getting the help you need and congratulations are your engagement.
You deserve the best now keep after it!
emoticon

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MANILUS 4/16/2012 11:36PM

    Sorry to hear for your loss of mom. Happy to hear you have found love! All the best in your continued success!!!!!!

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SERENEART 4/16/2012 10:32PM

    I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. My deepest sympathies and prayers. emoticon emoticon

Congratulations on getting in engaged to get married! He sounds like a great guy!

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GARDENQE2 4/16/2012 9:27PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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YATMAMA 4/16/2012 9:16PM

    I am so very happy for you, my friend. Know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you. *HUGEHUGS*

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MIAA382 4/16/2012 8:50PM

  best wishes i am so happy for you

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SUSIEPH1 4/16/2012 8:37PM

    Welcome back Kristen!.
Its lovely to hear from you ...
So sorry for the loss of your mother .. Our mothers are very special to us, and it is so sad to have them leave us ..I am sure she will be so happy for you that everything is working out really well.
Congratulations too for getting the help you need .. I am sure you will feel so much better really soon ..
How wonderful you have met the love of your life ..
I wish you both all the love and happiness you deserve ..
Hugs and Love Susie
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANGELWENDYMAMA 4/16/2012 8:26PM

    Kristen, I'm so glad you came back to us! I've missed you!
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.. But yes, I understand the difficulty of dealing with a loved one in pain as they are about to pass..

So proud of you for getting the help you need!

Congratulations on your engagement! WOW! That is amazing! Kareem says the best things to you and it sounds wonderful! I hope you two will be joyfully and happily married for many many years!

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MESS-MAY 4/16/2012 8:04PM

    If anything could get me out of the funk I managed to get myself into today, your blog could. It's an inspiration that I too can make all the changes needed to truly enjoy the positives in my life! Congrats on your engagement!

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ME_FIRST 4/16/2012 8:04PM

    I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. She was very lucky to have such a loving and kind daughter to care for her. Try to remember all the funny memories you must have of her and then you will smile.

Now, congratulations on all your other news. Kareem is very wise with his advice to use the white page. Of course, you are worth all the care and love that you receive plus more. You have a lot of friends here on SP, but you are also a very good friend to so many of us.

Let's keep moving forward to make this life something wonderful and joyful.

Yvonne

emoticon emoticon

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MUSICALLYMINDED 4/16/2012 8:02PM

    Wow what a hottie fiance! Congrats and best wishes!

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ROADRUNNER1986 4/16/2012 6:55PM

    Kristen, you have been on a huge journey these last couple of months. I am sorry to hear about your mother and know she will always be with you. I am so happy for you that you went and got the help you needed. There is never anything to be ashamed of when your are trying to become healthier with your body and your mind. And Congratulations on getting married. Kareem sounds like a very nice man and he is lucky to have someone as sweet as you.

Jessica emoticon

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CINDHOLM 4/16/2012 5:36PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FLPALM 4/16/2012 5:34PM

    Kristin, So sorry for your loss! My mother "met my Dad in Heaven" April 23, 2011, nearly one year ago, so I definitely understand.

Congrats on your wedding plans, and future! Things seem to be working in the right direction.
emoticon

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BMCKEOW1 4/16/2012 4:05PM

    I am so sorry to hear about your mother. It's exciting to hear that you have hope though that things will get better. Keep with the counseling and keep your hope. Congrats on your up coming wedding, I'm planning mine right now which is in two months away. Let me tell you it's stressful but I'm so excited and I can tell you are to. Keep trying to find the positives and before you know it, you'll have to work to find the bad things.

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DETERMINED_SOUL 4/16/2012 3:30PM

    You have been on quite the journey these last couple of months. Kristin, I am sorry to hear about your mother. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, I understand what a difficult journey the next few months can be with out support. My family went through a very similar situation last Jan with my grandmother.

I am so happy for you. You have taken life and said I CAN and I WILL!!! emoticonon the engagement.

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PEARL-LADY 4/16/2012 3:05PM

    Short and sweet for now...Welcome back my friend! I knew you would eventually make your way here, back to us, we have missed you very much.
I think you know how much you have been thought of....we have been with you each step of the way in prayer and thoughts....Nice that you know feel Mum is at peace and sounds like you have a job on your hands getting ready for your wedding! Congratulations....many hugs...

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DENNETJ 4/16/2012 2:44PM

    all I can say is amazing--congrats all these things you have fought so hard for. He is right you are worth it.

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DENNETJ 4/16/2012 2:41PM

    all I can say is amazing--congrats all these things you have fought so hard for. He is right you are worth it.

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LGOTTO 4/16/2012 2:18PM

    Wow, Kristin. So sorry to hear of your loss, but so happy for you that you have found love and are getting married!!!!! I am so happy to see you on spark people again. I have been floundering and spark just isn't te same without you on here!!! I miss the conversations with you, and your wonderful blog posts. Your blogs always touch me and inspire me. You are such a wonderful writer. Other people just don't draw me in the way you do. Your writing just speaks volumes to me. So glad you are back, and congratulations on being engaged!!!

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NEWMOM20121 4/16/2012 2:16PM

    You sure have had a lot on your plate. I am praying you will continue to find the strength that you need to make it through each day.

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BESTCK 4/16/2012 1:54PM

    So sorry for your loss, but am grateful that the door has been opened to many more blessings for you.

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CRESHA20 4/16/2012 1:34PM

    Welcome back to sparking. You've definitely been through the ringer and back. I am glad that you are getting the help you need instead of continuing to let your emotions spiral any more out of control. You are very strong for getting the help. If I were in the same situation with my mom, I don't know how I would be able to handle any of the emotions. Way to keep moving forward in life and getting the help you need to deal. I'm glad that you are back.

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Living for ONE day..today

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Please, find Inspiration in my blog..it is meant to inspire you.

Last night I stood next to my mother's hospital bed, holding her hand and crying, with her. In one of the rare moments yesterday, my mother recognized me long enough to say that she loved me and didn't want to go. She hasn't gone as of yet, she remains stable, but the doctor has given me two days to make a choice, she lives on a machine or I let her go naturally. She has about 5% chance of living without the machine.

Have you ever been in this position? This is terrible drama for a fat person with an emotion eating disorder. You may be asking yourself how I could write such a blog detailing my life. Like Snowangeldiva who dances when sad, happy and for pure joy, I write. I suppose it is therapeutic for me just as her dancing is to my dear friend. Even with that said my eyes are blinding me with tears so it is a good thing I can type without looking at the keys. My friends, I hurt so bad I can't stand it. I am scared to lose the one constant person who has loved me unconditionally my whole life. My mother is not just my mama, she is my best friend, she is the one person who stood by me when I was raped, through my addictions of drugs, alcohol.and my ever present food addiction. When I was 536 pounds, my mother was the only person, besides my children, who looked at me without disgust and didn't treat me as if I didn't matter.

One of my mother's last wishes has been for me to get my life back. At 536 pounds my life wasn't a life. I sat day after day on the couch, sleeping on the couch and eating on the couch, because that is what I could do. My mother believed in me that I could do more, but I didn't believe I could. About a year ago, just after all this began, my journey of a healthier lifestyle, she confided in me that she was afraid to die due to the fact she no longer thought I could take care of myself and that I would leave my children motherless. I can't begin to tell you how much joy my mother has had seeing me drop over 200 pounds, because I can get up without crying in pain, I can go into places...most of that is due to self esteem, my drive for life is coming back slowly but for sure, I get up when something is needed...this used to be a real issue. Everyone had to cater to me, now I can cater to everyone and wow is that a good feeling.

When people look at me they do see someone who is over 300 pounds, but now they are starting to open up to me, confide in me and I finally have a friend here, Martina. Martina is a person I have grown to adore as my newest and only friend in this town. She sees me for me, just like mom. I need that now more then ever. I know that 300 pounds is HUGE to anyone, but to me I feel so darn skinny compared to what I once was.


Okay, now I am rambling. If you only read one part of my blog, PLEASE READ THIS PART.

Living for one day!


My mother, who had a very hard life, taught me to be tough on the outside. Most people are scared to death of me, to me this is so silly, but my outside doesn't match my insides of who I am. My mother was so hurt in her life that she became a fierce storm to be reckoned with. No matter what happened in my mother's life she would be ready to take it on, never once did I see her back down or run and hide from anything or anyone. Me? The chicken of it all really, I would rather bury my head in sand and let her tackle those issues for me. Imagine how I gained all this weight?!

My mother was never happy. I don't think ever in her life honestly. She was in a car accident with her younger brothers and sisters, her mother and her drunken father. Everyone was killed except her father and her. She wasn't allowed as a child to talk to her father and was given to her grandparents that even at that time were elderly and had grown senile by the time she was preteen age. No one to take her or able to take her, she ended up in an orphanage and alone. By the time she was 17 yrs old she lived on the streets and learned how to do odd jobs to make money and live. Then she had me, I am sure one of her biggest regrets due to the fact she had such a hard time taking care of herself and then adding me on to it as well. My father, no help to her, was a drunk, a mobster and unknown to her at the time was a married man. I guess you can see her life just didn't get easier.

She was always, and I do mean always living for the big "ONE" day, when our lives would change for the good. When we wouldn't have to worry about how to not go hungry, which she did often to feed her children.

My wedding DRESS!


Her ONE day never came. She married a man who ultimately ruined the rest of her life. He beat her severely making her wear black and blue glasses daily and refused to let her go until the day he died. She had to move just to get any relief from him, but he would follow her and move around the corner from her, as crazy as he was he thought this was love. She never allowed herself to fall in love or have a relationship again in her life. This was her choice, one she made on conscience level, but one I know she must have regretted at some point in her life as she was young when she made this choice. For someone to do this, you know she must have gone through some real hell that I can't explain to you here without it being ten blogs long. I can only tell you that the life we had at that time was beyond terrifying, beyond explanation because very few people no what it is to live a life with that kind of monster and be fearful of every move you made not to set the monster in motion. In motion meant beatings and rapes for my dear mother. If you read a previous blog of mine, I explain this monster as being the one who would lock me into the closet when my mother wasn't home and would hang me with a belt, just enough so I wouldn't die. Even now as I write this I can feel the coldness and darkness of the closet and the fear I felt knowing he could do much worse and often told me how that much worse could or would be.

In the past week, I have gorged myself with food. Anything to help forget and comfort me. I have regained seven previous pounds I had lost. My mind knew better, but my body wanted a release, it was either that or go back to drinking the bottle of rum I bought that sits here in my hand. One drink of this and I will lose my ONE day. One more drop of bad food and I will lose my ONE day.

Last night I cried, God, what else do you want from me and mama? In the past two and a half months I have lost my marriage and became divorced, lost my stable home, lost of one my best friends, lost a nursing home patient I dearly loved, lost a man I thought I could love, and now my mama which is by far the biggest loss I will have lost thus far in my life. How am I to make choices that I don't think I can live with? Where or what is the lesson here?

God answered me this morning. He made me get up out of bed even though I didn't want to. He made me feel pain, even though I didn't want to. He is making me confront my choices and made me realize today is a new day and eating unhealthy is not going to change the choices in front of me.
All of a sudden I remembered the conversation my mother had with me about living and one day I would be happy and healthy again. I didn't tell her at the time, I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. Then like a ton of brick it came to me...her one day would never ever be there for her. She knew this..knows this. This is why she kept pushing for me to have a chance to have one more day.

You may say this is a sad blog, but this blog is NOT sad darlings. It is a renew of everything good that can happen. I am going to make that ONE day happen, for me, my children and my dearest mother.

After everything I just poured out of my heart and laid on the line in this blog, I hope you too will feel inspired to stand up and take your ONE day. Start living for today, even if you are 500 pounds. We don't have much time in life, so feeling regrets is not going to make life better...we need to reach for life NOW, because your ONE day could slip by like mama's has. YOU must start taking care of YOU! Never allow yourself to live the life of regrets I have. Please, don't beat yourself up over a few pounds..just get back on track...stay on track or whatever makes you happy.

Am I happy? NO, I am not. I have to make a choice in the next couple of days that could end my mother's life. No one in her right mind would be happy. My comfort no matter what is knowing that my mother's ONE day will happen in heaven, that GOD will give her that ONE day, because she has lived hell already and she deserves so much more.


I find myself at the Fork in the road. In a few weeks from now, I believe my mother, my best friend, will be gone, my housing will vanish and I will find myself on the ONE day trip. When I have the last talk with my mother..even if she can't respond, I am going to tell her that my ONE day is coming, that I am going to find a new house, find someone that is willing to give me a chance again to work and a road to happiness and success. I am most of all going to beat this weight loss battle and I am going to do that right here at Spark People, which by the way she LOVES. She has it linked to her personal page and reads everything she can on it. She feels like Spark really helped save my life and the friends that I have found here are invaluable assets to my life. She is right.

I love Spark People, I adore all my friends here and most of all I love the support, friendship and the constant unconditional friendship you provide me. No one makes me feel as if I am not good enough, in fact, you make me feel like a super star, so all in all I would say that having my one day starts right here with Spark People.

I hope that if you read this to the end you will feel inspired to keep moving on in your life, grab your ONE day, that is today and live NOW no matter what your size, your issues, addictions or personal life. YOU and I are going to be here and we are going to make our ONE days..everyday.

Most likely, I won't be one after today for some time, due to all the things in my life. However, I want you to know that I am here in spirit and that I am thinking, praying and holding each of you in my heart. I can't tell you how much I miss you all and watching and sharing your life and journey. Please give me time to return, BUT please don't leave me by the waste side. I will be back..

Love to all and God Bless!

Your dear friend always,

Kristin

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLIMBERS_ROCK 5/8/2013 12:42PM

    emoticon

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LOVE7755 7/13/2012 7:35PM

    Wow. You posted this blog some time ago and I read it today. Thank you I needed this.

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MANILUS 6/6/2012 4:49AM

    This is an amazing blog, it is right to the core of the heart! Thank you so much for sharing, the essence of change is present and we have to make it happen. All the best!

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SPARKLISE 4/19/2012 9:54PM

    That is what i'm trying to do now!
Your story inspires many!
Thank you for being so honest!
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1COUNTRY_GAL 4/17/2012 3:25PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonI am lost for words,so many emotions I feel from this blog.So much sadness and yet hopeful,inspirational and I read this when I really needed to get on track.I am so sorry about your Dear Mom,my beautiful MOm passed in 2006 and I cannot even begin to imagine having to make that kind of decision for your Mom.The test of your Faith must have been very difficult,you loved your Mom and still do.Love is sometimes Letting Go,even when you don't want to.I know I wouldn't have,I would have wanted My Mom to live longer.You beautiful dear women,such a special friend to so many.I wish I could visit you and give you real Hugs,virtual HUGS emoticon emoticonMY thoughts and prayers are always with you.My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your Mom.She will always Love you,even from heaven and you will once again be united,What a gift and treasure heaven has received a dear Women who was/is your Mom! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticonAlways your friend,Diana

Comment edited on: 4/17/2012 3:27:35 PM

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LIZGILB 3/26/2012 10:15PM

    Kristen, My thoughts and prayers to you and your family. I faced this same decision 8yrs ago with my mom. The hardest thing I had to do. But I know in my heart that it was the right decision. Your mom will always be with you as you are with SP now...in Spirit . Please stay strong as we know you are. Your ONE day will be here soon. Will be thinking of you...Liz

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TINNATEE 3/25/2012 9:14AM

    My prayers are with you and your family. You will come thru this stronger than ever and you sound very determined. Your ONE DAY is just around the corner......My heart aches for what you are going thru and what you have gone thru in the past. You are so brave and you are such a loving person. You have overcome so much and you will overcome this with your head held high and know that you are loved and you have so many friends here. I may not know you personally, but if not in person, what better, truer friendship is there than having people know what's in your heart. No one knows us here so we are safe to just "put it out there" and know that there are others who care. Stay strong for you and for your son.

Your friend,
Tina

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FAERY_FACE 3/13/2012 8:52AM

    Dear Kristin. I am praying for you. I trust that your one day will be even more beautiful than you could ever imagine. emoticon

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CAROLANN27 3/11/2012 2:31PM

    Dear Kristen,

I pray for you as you go through this horrifically lonely and difficult time. I saw so much beauty and strength in your blog. Your mother's love for you, and your love for your mother is a beautiful gift for each of you, as well as for us to observe. This love has carried you both through a lot.

We have seen your strength and self-esteem grow over the last year, fed by the love you share with your mom and your sons. I remember how excited I was when I read about you going to your son's ball game for the first time. You are living the example of love and strength for them in a bright and beautiful way.

Remember the power and love of God are in you---we can see it. You have an endless number of friends here who never forget you whether we see you online or not.

God's peace be with you.

Love,

Carol
<
BR>

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BLVINBUTTERFLYS 3/2/2012 7:43PM

    emoticon

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MI-ELLKAYBEE 3/2/2012 12:40PM

    I found this blog today - oh, I hope you are here to see that there are more prayers coming your way, and that God is helping you find some of the peace you SO deserve. Your dear mother had joy in her life - she had YOU to love and care for, and has the knowledge she is loved, too. I don't have the right words - but then there are no words for this - just the traveling warmth of heartfelt prayers. Know that you are precious, you are loved, you are needed, you are special - and you are one h*** of a great writer! God bless you. emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/2/2012 12:40:30 PM

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DRAGONFLY126 2/25/2012 12:31AM

    My Dear Spark Sister, My heart goes out to you. Just 3 short years ago I had to make a similar choice. It was not an easy one. It did not matter that I was Daddy's little girl. I had to take a step back and ask what is in the best interest for my Dad? I had to know what ever the choice it was not done out of selflessness. As you contemplate your choices know we are all praying for you and your family. Sending all our love to you. Please hurry back, we will miss you !!! Remember your ONE DAY is here waiting for you.

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SANDRA2BSLIM 2/22/2012 3:21PM

    My dear friend I have no words of wisdom and I have never had to make choice like you do. But I know you will make the right one. You are so strong and such an inspiration to me. Your mother is one of a kind who loves you as you do her. My prayers are with you. . emoticon

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SHELBY2050 2/22/2012 11:57AM

    Your last paragraph posted "I am here in spirit and that I am thinking, praying and holding each of you in my heart". Dear, sweet daughter - even when your mother has passed - that is exactly how she will be as well. She will never truly be gone from your life. Her voice will echo in your head every decision you make, every goal you meet, etc.

I'm posting my favorite poem for you, what little comfort it may provide when the time does come. Be strong and remind yourself your mother is very proud of where you are and what you will become. She obviously has faith in you.

HER JOURNEY

Don’t think of her as gone away,
her journey’s just begun,
life holds so many facets
this earth is only one.
Just think of her as resting
from the sorrow and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort,
where there are no days and years.
Think how she must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.
And think of her as living
in the hearts of those she touched,
for nothing loved is ever lost,
and she was loved so much.

Prayers and hugs to you as you struggle with life. You are stronger than you know and you matter to so many.


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JAZZEJR 2/22/2012 11:39AM

    I know this is not a happy time, but I am so hoping you'll some peace. I know you will have your one day...after after that many more happier days :)

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TRACYZABELLE 2/22/2012 2:06AM

    My heart goes out to you my dear friend... it is never easy to let go of the ones we love but we must so they can be in peace.. peace be with you my friend emoticon

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TREASUREDBYGOD 2/21/2012 9:06PM

    I have unfortunately had to make the same decision that you are faced with. It was one of the darkest time of my life. Take care of yourself and don't allow yourself to become isolated.

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BMCKEOW1 2/21/2012 4:08PM

    I am so sorry about all the things going on in your life right now. I don't have any great words of wisedom, but it would seem like your mother does. She wouldn't want you to to seek comfort in food or the bottle. She'd want you to be striving for that one day, please take comfort in that. I pray that you come through all this stronger then you ever thought you were. I also pray that your mother finds her one day, even if it's not here with us.

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WOMANCHEF 2/20/2012 8:16AM

    Kristin,
Thank you for sharing. You are so strong in your journey. Don't think your mom never had joy because she has you and your love. Whatever choice you make will be the right one. God will show you the way.

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STFRENCH 2/20/2012 7:31AM

    All my thoughts are with you and your family emoticon

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SPARKLESHELL11 2/19/2012 8:46PM

    We love you hang in there. GOD will give us all our day. emoticon

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TINASDUNWELL 2/19/2012 5:54PM

  Oh my... I just don't know what to say. I wish I could just give you a hug and hold your hand a while, as you face these days.

You have been really blessed with a mom like yours, and I do think you're giving her the best possible gift of all, with taking care of her baby. It's the most precious thing, to a mother, to know her children are well.

saying a little prayer for all of your family.

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NINNY165 2/19/2012 12:44PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticontake care my friend....peace be with you

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BE-THE-CHANGE 2/19/2012 7:43AM

    Kristin, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. You have lots of friends here sending their prayers for you both. We will be here when you return.

And thanks for sharing all that with us. I need to hear it today.

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RINA2002 2/19/2012 2:01AM

  Kristin - I have no words. God bless you; my prayers are with you for God to comfort you in this time of great loss. I pray that you will find that special someone that loves you unconditionally, and admires your tough will to live and overcome your circumstances. Hugs to you.

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DUNLAPMOM 2/18/2012 10:05PM

    Moved to tears. I can not even imagin how you muct be feeling. I have never been there and all i can think of to say is how sorry I am for what is happening in your life. Id like to say somethhng helpful and profound but all i can think of is that stinks! I believe your faith will get you through! I know we dont know each other but i will be checking in on you again. Love and prayers sent your way for you and your momma.
jay

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NEWMOM20121 2/18/2012 6:17PM

    Thank you for sharing. I wish I was one of those really wise people that always has something great to say, I am not. So I can say I will pray for you and the decisions you have to make.
God Bless you and your family.

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LEETIDLER 2/18/2012 5:12PM

    Hugs and prayers. You are making the BEST decisions even when they are "impossible." We'll watch for your return.

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GOING-STRONG 2/18/2012 4:27PM

    Sending angel wing hugs your way which I hope helps hold you up and makes your journey a bit easier. YOU are an inspiration to what the human spirit is able to endure and overcome. God Bless you. Hugs, Rhonda

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ANJAYS-JOURNEY 2/18/2012 1:44PM

    Hugs Kirsten and thankyou, you may never realise how much you have helpe me, but sometimes God leads to you to places for a reason, and your blog was that reason, be strong in God, and I pray that not only will you have your one day, but many many one days, I pray for your mama, that God will wrap his loving arms around her and give her her one day, that being eternity.
Your are not alone, remember we are here for you we are your Sparks family!!!!
Hugs

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KIPPER15 2/18/2012 1:37PM

    I lost my mom in a similar fashion, having to make the choice. It is not easy,but it was the best way. I send prayers and good thoughts your way. Keep on taking care of yourself. You have come far. emoticon emoticon

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SPARKLISE 2/18/2012 1:28PM

    Take time for yourself but please come back.
Don't stay away too long.
I'm so sorry about you mom. It must be really hard for you!
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I'll still be here when you come back! emoticon emoticon
I wish I could take away your pain and make it all better!
Lots of hugs,prayers and love for you and you children!
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REBECCA431 2/18/2012 1:27PM

    Kristen ...Be still in a corner each day and allow God to wrap his arms around you. It is an experience that once you have it you will seek it daily. Allow God to comfort you after all he knew you before you were born and he knows the number of hairs on your head. Keep blogging don't quit emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FANGFACEKITTY 2/18/2012 12:29PM

    emoticon I am so sorry for everything you have gone through and sill have to face.

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UHLWENDY 2/18/2012 11:25AM

  God bless you. You can overcome!

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WSHAYES1 2/18/2012 10:30AM

    My prayers go out to you and your family during this difficult time. It is never easy to make choices like this. My family had to make a similar decision about our Father and unless you have had this discussion with them prior it is a very hard one. No amount of love and support will make it an easy one for you.

May God Bless and guide you through these difficult times. His love and support will get you through.
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HEALTHY4ME 2/18/2012 8:06AM

    OH my dear girl!!! what a lot to face, just know that your mum will be proud of you and she knows you can do this. I pray that you don't stay away from us long,and even though the road is going to be harder than I can imagine, try hard wiith whatever you have inside to keep on that ONE road.... HUGS you have acome a very very long way, and that proves you know it can be done. HUGS to you and your mama. She will be so proud of you, knowing you can take care of you and yours.
HUGS again.

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BARRISTER2011 2/18/2012 2:09AM

  Peace be with you

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MAMAJELLYBEAN 2/18/2012 12:05AM

    Hi Kristin. This is my first time reading your blog. Thank you so much for putting your heart out there and using the pain you are going through to help inspire others. I know how you are feeling. My ex-husband had a stroke the week before Christmas. The family all had to make the decision to turn off life support, including my children and myself. It was so hard but I know that is what he wanted. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm here and will pray for you and your family. I'll be checking back again soon.
Christie

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GODSBEST 2/18/2012 12:02AM

    May God bless you with the peace that surpasses all understanding during this time in your life. We'll be here waiting for you and our "One Day".

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DOODIE59 2/17/2012 11:54PM

    Hi Kristin,
I am so sorry for your situation and very impressed by your courage. You will make the right decision and you're going to be hurting for awhile but the most amazing thing you can do for yourself and your boys is to hold true to your commitment to a healthy life. This will help sustain you in the hard days ahead and keep you on your mission to a life of ONEderful days;)

Lots of hugs
Deirdre

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TRULYVISIBLE 2/17/2012 11:51PM

  My Mother was on life support. The doctor said there are people who live on life support for years and the family visits and interacts with them. They said my Mother would only have a week or so if taken off. I did not think is was my decision or my brothers so I asked her what she wanted and told her exactly what the doctor told me. I did what I wanted someone to do for me, treat me like an adult and make my own decision on my life. She opted to be taken off and lived the last two months in my house. It was a gift to have her die in my arms.

I feel for you. I know first hand what an extremely difficult and painful situation this is. No one is ever ready to lose their mother no matter how old we are.

All I can do is send you my love and offer you some strength. Your Mom is so proud of you for losing all that weight and you have given her peace of mind. The best gift you could give anyone.
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LUVMYCRAZYKIDS 2/17/2012 11:24PM

    May God help you and your mom through this difficult time. You must know what an inspiration you are to many on this site. You have already achieved success. To be where you are in such a short period of time takes hard work. What a great feeling to live out your mom's wish for you. It is so understandable that you will need time...but, make sure you come back. Your friends WANT to support you through your UPS and DOWNS. You are strong and you WILL have your ONE day. I have faith that you know how to work hard to achieve your dreams...you can!

Prayers to your and your family during this difficult period. God Bless you and keep your close!



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GOIN4GR8 2/17/2012 11:23PM

    My heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for sharing all this. I can't imagine making the decision you are faced with ... God bless you. I will be praying for you and your mom.

I just posted a blog about getting bacn on the wagon--and then I came to your blog. It was exactly what I needed.

I wish you God's peace, strength, and love. Take care, and we'll be here when you get back.

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MOSTMOM1 2/17/2012 10:53PM

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you. My husband and I had to make that choice with both our moms. I can appreciate the difficulty of your situation. I'm so glad you can be with your mom right now. And you are right--you're going to have your ONE day and you can have it for your mama too. God bless you, dear Sparker.
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LADYGSC 2/17/2012 10:21PM

    Saying prayers for you. How wonderful to loose 200 + pounds, keep on sparking!

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JANARAMMA 2/17/2012 5:51PM

  Thank you for sharing your mother's story, it has truly inspired me. Sending thoughts and prayers to you both

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CYNTSATIONAL 2/17/2012 4:37PM

    My prayers are with you. Sending you peace, blessings and joy in such an emotionally hard time. God will sustain you. You are an inspiration to stay on this journey. You are strong beyond your wildest imagintion. Keep on SPARKing! emoticon

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TIFFY0906 2/17/2012 4:17PM

    Wow - this was such a touching and inspirational story. My heart and prayers go out to you. May GOD bless you and keep you.

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CM_GARDNER78 2/17/2012 3:30PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Oh my gosh! What a horrible thing to have to be faced with!! You have come so far! I am rooting you on to keep going even farther! Praying for you that you have peace with the days to come.

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