Tuesday, December 06, 2011
The motivation behind my recent diet obsession is that last weekend, someone who came in to the bar in which I work said I was fat, that I needed to lose weight, and that my husband was lying when he said he loves how I look, and he'd rather I was thinner. For someone who already has issues, this really blew my mind. I find myself looking fatter and fatter in the mirror, and disgusted with myself. I thought I looked good before he came in, and since he left I feel sick. I cried at work outside and had to pretend it was fine.
Worse yet, it's a small town bar and everyone somehow now knows what happened. At least most people do. I feel really embarrassed and ashamed of my body.
I stayed on the slim-fast type diet yesterday. I watered down my ranch since we don't have light dressings for salads. I drank two of those things. Unfortunately, a woman bought me two shots of tequila, but I was still around 1,000 calories yesterday. I am pretty motivated, I worked out the two days following that fat attack. Going for a walk in a few minutes. I know it seems extreme for me, but I need a change! My anxiety is worsening. I didn't need some guy to say I was fat and needed to lose weight - someone I had to still WAIT ON! My body dismorphia is acting up, I am seeing myself fatter than I did last week. I am also over my highest weight. Time for an intervention!