Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Ok, so that title might be a little melodramatic. Have you ever heard the phrase "we need to stop the bleeding", we have been hearing it at work a lot lately in regards to losing money. For some reason when I woke up this morning that phrase seemed to fit my life. I alluded yesterday to some turmoil going on in my personal life. The turmoil is still going on and still effecting me more than I would like it to. Basically a family member is going through a really traumatic event and for some reason or another it has truly shaken me. Parts of me are feeling guilty that I can't be around more to help them and part of me is angry that it's happening.
Regardless of all this mess I have let myself get lazy. I barely slept for 3 days because I wake up sick to my stomach or in a cold sweat. I basically have spent the last 2 days eating my emotions away. I have known for quite some time that I didn't have a healthy relationship with food and that I used it as a means of comfort but over the last 2 days I have really made some major revelations. I see now that I turn to foods as a means of comfort because it is easier than opening up to someone and telling them how I really feel. This all started 11 years ago when my dad passed. I was young and felt like I had no one I could talk to about what happened. My family has never been big on talking about how you feel to begin with and after he passed we all pretty much shut down. Still to this day we rarely talk about my dad, Tom has been with me for 6 years and he can only remember a handful of times when we talked about him. I can see looking back now that is when I really started gaining weight, this unfortunate trend continued 3 years later when my grandmother who was the only person I did normally turn to passed. I continued using food to comfort myself because there was nothing else that made me feel better. I spent the last 2 days eating myself sick, chocolate, chips, soda, etc and realize that food will never make me feel better. I talked through all of this with Tom because he was concerned that I was shutting down, which I was. He made me realize that I do have someone I can talk to about this stuff now, he's there and he always listens and will not laugh if I cry. He may not have the right words to make me feel better all the time, but he promises to at least lend his ear without judging me. That's so important for me, I need to turn to other sources when life gets hard otherwise I am going to end up back at 273 lbs or heavier and I certainly do not want to go back to that, EVER. Not to mention that I feel like total garbage today. I can't even stomach the idea of eating anything right now, I feel bloated, nauseous and still full. I hate this feeling and realize now why binging is so terrible, I feel terrible.
That's where the "Stop the Bleeding" comes into play. I need to step back and realize that the last 2 days did happen, I did eat a lot and probably gained a few lbs. I checked the scale this morning and it was bad, but I realize that I lost 100 lbs so far and I can definitely lose back this weight and finish with the last 20 lbs or so. I just need to focus and stop letting food run my life. I am ready to find better ways of communicating, with my family and myself so that I stop using food as comfort. I made a promise to myself that this is the last time I let this happen. Food will never make me feel like I am whole, it will never stop the crying or the hurting and it certainly will never hold me when I need a hug. Food will be there as a means of fuel and that's it. I guess I just never looked at myself long enough to see what I was doing to my body, and to my mind. Letting go of food will make my life so much fuller and will help bring me closer to family, friends and my husband. Now the void in my life will not be filled with junk food but with things that are important.
This is probably all over the place but it's been bothering me and I feel better knowing it's out.
Thanks for listening
Monday, March 01, 2010
So I weighed myself this morning, I normally do on Friday and again Monday to check my damage for the weekend. Well luckily this weekend it seems I didn't do any damage but rather have finally dipped below 169 lbs.
(Yes both dogs are in the bathroom with me, they are everywhere I am most of the time and it's a ladybug tattoo on my foot)
I am no longer considered overweight for my height. This is huge for me. I can't actually remember a time when I was this healthy or weighed this much. I feel proud of myself and for all that I have accomplished in the last 7 months and I know I will be at my goal weight in no time. I have set some pretty high goals for the next few months but I know that if I stay motivated and dedicated I can achieve those goals. I hope that I can inspire those around me to do it, I tell everyone all the time "If I can do it, anyone can". It's true. It is a lot of hard work but it is totally worth it in the long run.
In any case my weekend was bland. We went to Bonefish Grille for dinner with some of our friends on Friday night. I really do not like fish but I had mahi mahi and it was actually very good. We were supposed to go duck pin bowling because none of us ever had before but the boys pitched a fight so we ended up sitting at Starbucks for 2 hours. It was not my idea of an exciting Friday night but hubbies were grumpy. Saturday I went to the gym and then came home and crashed on the couch with the puppies. For some reason, whether I'm tired or not, I fall asleep everytime I watch the movie Twilight. I loved the books but the movie knocks me out. Saturday I also had to do grocery shopping and although I get much better deals at Walmart, it makes me irate having to go there. People are crazy there and it makes me dread grocery shopping. Sometimes I can convince the hubby to go shopping on his nights off because he can go very late at night when less idiots are out. Sunday I went to the gym again and then did some organizing. Hubby bought me a shelving unit for the garage that I wanted to put some overflow kitchen items on. We have a few too many big appliance items(toaster oven, rotisserie, huge crockpot) that were taking up too much room in the kitchen. I organized the shelving unit in the garage and opened up 2 whole cabinets in the kitchen. It's amazing and I told the hubby he's the best. Sunday nights are wind down days for me, I usually spend an hour reading and try to get to bed early for a fresh start to the week. I also usually spend half the day baking and prepping the week's fruits and veggies so that I don't have to do it during the week. Yesterday I baked homemade cornbread muffins, chocolate chip cookies and brownies. The brownies were for a friend at work and the muffins were for hubby since they are his favorite. The cookies were mainly because I ripped a bag of chocolate chips and spilt half of them so I figured why not.
Speaking of baking, I really love it. I would love to open a pastry shop of some sort. I just want to make sure it's a true bakery and not a trend like a cupcake shop because ultimately that trend will fade and then there will be nothing. I think a real, true bakery is hard to come by anymore. Maybe the tradition of the whole idea is fading. I just remember being young and my grandmother taking us to the bakery where you could buy anything. Bread, donuts, cakes, pastries, dough for pizza. It was great. I wish there were more around.
I leave you with a picture of my sleeping Remi last night. For as crazy and out of control that he is(still a puppy I hope) he can be a sweetie pie
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Copy and paste this so we can learn more about one another
1. What time did you get up this morning?8:30 am, it was nice to sleep in past 7 am for once and I only did so because the gym was closed.
2. How do you like your steak? I don't really eat beef, at all, but if I do then I like it medium and the cut makes little difference to me.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Tom and I saw Book of Eli, weird movie and I totally did not realize it was about religion.
4. What is your favorite TV show? I love Gossip Girl and Criminal Minds.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? I am definitely a city girl, I always tell everyone I could never leave further than 30 minutes from an airport but I could definitely move further south and get out of this cold.
6. What did you have for breakfast? homemade pancakes. yummo
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican, but not authentic haha. I could eat cheese quesadillas everyday
8. What foods do you dislike? Hmm I do not eat creamy anything(creamy soups, mayo, alfredo sauce and I don't have the time to explain why) and I dislike avocadoes/guacamole
9. Favorite Place to Eat? Any hibachi place, I love the sauteed veggies
10. Favorite dressing? I like to switch it up currently I like Ken's Lite Raspberry Pomegranate but I love Ken's Lite Caesar as well
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? 07 Chevy Cobalt. It was the first car I ever bought on my own and it was a college car, now it;s time to upgrade to a "family" vehicle but I can't make up my mind on what to buy.
12. What are your favorite clothes? Comfy flip flops, jeans and tanks, sundresses. I am not a tshirt and jeans girl so I'm almost always dressed up-casual for me is hard
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Greece, Italy, more of Asia(I've been to Japan) and every beach I can(Turks and Caicos/Barbados/Bali, etc)
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Hmm depends on the day. I do try and see the bright side of everything but sometimes that can be tough
15. Where would you want to retire? wherever my family is
16. Favorite time of day? afternoons- especially when I can take a nap with the husband
17. Where were you born? Carnegie, Pennsylvania
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Ehh I am not into sports, the only thing I watch is the recap on ESPN at the gym so I know what's going on when the guys at work talk about it.
19. How many siblings? 1 older brother, 1 older sister, 1 younger sister and 2 stepbrothers(1 older and 1 younger). We are not like the Brady Bunch
20. Favorite pastime/hobby? reading- loove looove looove to read. watching movies, cooking/baking
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? anyone and everyone
22. Bird watcher? I don;t like to watch them but I am always interested in them when we go to the pet stores.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night
24. Do you have any pets? Yes 2 dogs. Sophie a long haired dachshund and Remington, a papillion mix that we just adopted from the ASPCA.
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Not really other than being excited to go home to Pittsburgh next weekend to see the family.
26. What did you want to be when you were little? A lawyer, I still haven't given up the dream yet.
27. What is your best childhood memory? spending time with grandmother at her camp or halloweens with my sister and the other kids in the neighborhood. we always had terrible costumes(my mom is not creative at all, one year I went as a homeless bum and my sister was a ghost for 3 years in a row)
28. Are you a cat or dog person? Dogs only please, cats are weird
29. Are you married? YES. loove it so far
30. Always wear your seat belt? yes because my car will not let you not.
31. Been in a car accident? twice, once with my mom and it was terrible and once with Tom and he will say it was terrible(his mustang was in the shop for months afterwards)
32. Any pet peeves? people who talk incessantly especially to themselves, traffic, and idiot drivers in Maryland
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?pepperoni and mushrooms
34. Favorite Flower? gerber daisies, hydrangea, peonies
35. Favorite ice cream? ben and jerrys chubby hubby or anything peanut butter chocolate
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? We don't typical fast food(McDonalds, Wendys, Burger King ever) but I do LOOOOOOVE Panera and I will not give it up
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Hmm 6 times before I passed, but in my defense I can not parallel park at all and that was the first part of the test so they don't let you finish after that.
38. From whom did you get your last email? Facebook
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Banana Republic, I love their clothing
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Nope, I am a planner and a worrier. Spontaneous for me is dinner without a plan
41. Like your job? Interesting question, especially after the week I just had at work. Currently no I do not and I would like to find a new job
42. Broccoli? yes loove broccoli and eat it a few times a week
43. What was your favorite vacation? Tom and I love to go to Disney and have been several time and I loved going to Hilton Head with him. It was quiet and relaxing and I go to lay on the beach all day which always makes me happy
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Tom, Rich, Dina, Staci and Bart to Capital Grille for Rich's bday.
45. What are you listening to right now? The tv is on downstairs but husband is hovering over me reading this and looking out the window at the crazy snow.
46. What is your favorite color? Blue
47. How many tattoos do you have? 2- a ladybug on my foot for my grams and a pair of angel wings with my dads initials on my lower back
48. How many people will fill this out? hopefully a lot
49. What time did you finish this quiz? 4:47 pm on to watch lost on our dvr
50. Coffee Drinker? Nope, I am a reformed Starbucks addict, and husband drinks enough for both of us.
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