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"Stop The Bleeding"

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Ok, so that title might be a little melodramatic. Have you ever heard the phrase "we need to stop the bleeding", we have been hearing it at work a lot lately in regards to losing money. For some reason when I woke up this morning that phrase seemed to fit my life. I alluded yesterday to some turmoil going on in my personal life. The turmoil is still going on and still effecting me more than I would like it to. Basically a family member is going through a really traumatic event and for some reason or another it has truly shaken me. Parts of me are feeling guilty that I can't be around more to help them and part of me is angry that it's happening.

Regardless of all this mess I have let myself get lazy. I barely slept for 3 days because I wake up sick to my stomach or in a cold sweat. I basically have spent the last 2 days eating my emotions away. I have known for quite some time that I didn't have a healthy relationship with food and that I used it as a means of comfort but over the last 2 days I have really made some major revelations. I see now that I turn to foods as a means of comfort because it is easier than opening up to someone and telling them how I really feel. This all started 11 years ago when my dad passed. I was young and felt like I had no one I could talk to about what happened. My family has never been big on talking about how you feel to begin with and after he passed we all pretty much shut down. Still to this day we rarely talk about my dad, Tom has been with me for 6 years and he can only remember a handful of times when we talked about him. I can see looking back now that is when I really started gaining weight, this unfortunate trend continued 3 years later when my grandmother who was the only person I did normally turn to passed. I continued using food to comfort myself because there was nothing else that made me feel better. I spent the last 2 days eating myself sick, chocolate, chips, soda, etc and realize that food will never make me feel better. I talked through all of this with Tom because he was concerned that I was shutting down, which I was. He made me realize that I do have someone I can talk to about this stuff now, he's there and he always listens and will not laugh if I cry. He may not have the right words to make me feel better all the time, but he promises to at least lend his ear without judging me. That's so important for me, I need to turn to other sources when life gets hard otherwise I am going to end up back at 273 lbs or heavier and I certainly do not want to go back to that, EVER. Not to mention that I feel like total garbage today. I can't even stomach the idea of eating anything right now, I feel bloated, nauseous and still full. I hate this feeling and realize now why binging is so terrible, I feel terrible.

That's where the "Stop the Bleeding" comes into play. I need to step back and realize that the last 2 days did happen, I did eat a lot and probably gained a few lbs. I checked the scale this morning and it was bad, but I realize that I lost 100 lbs so far and I can definitely lose back this weight and finish with the last 20 lbs or so. I just need to focus and stop letting food run my life. I am ready to find better ways of communicating, with my family and myself so that I stop using food as comfort. I made a promise to myself that this is the last time I let this happen. Food will never make me feel like I am whole, it will never stop the crying or the hurting and it certainly will never hold me when I need a hug. Food will be there as a means of fuel and that's it. I guess I just never looked at myself long enough to see what I was doing to my body, and to my mind. Letting go of food will make my life so much fuller and will help bring me closer to family, friends and my husband. Now the void in my life will not be filled with junk food but with things that are important.

This is probably all over the place but it's been bothering me and I feel better knowing it's out.

Thanks for listening

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLIE881 3/10/2010 9:09PM

    Interesting metaphor! I can understand it. Feel better!

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DRRAZZ 3/10/2010 1:07PM

    Thank you for sharing this blog. It reminded me that I need to get a grip on the out of control eating I have been doing lately and focus on my true priorities.

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SUGIRL06 3/10/2010 10:44AM

    I hope you feel better hun. Take it out at the gym instead of with food! At least you are aware of what is going on! And don't forget to lean on your man's shoulder :)
~Ang

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Big milestone

Monday, March 01, 2010

So I weighed myself this morning, I normally do on Friday and again Monday to check my damage for the weekend. Well luckily this weekend it seems I didn't do any damage but rather have finally dipped below 169 lbs.

(Yes both dogs are in the bathroom with me, they are everywhere I am most of the time and it's a ladybug tattoo on my foot)
I am no longer considered overweight for my height. This is huge for me. I can't actually remember a time when I was this healthy or weighed this much. I feel proud of myself and for all that I have accomplished in the last 7 months and I know I will be at my goal weight in no time. I have set some pretty high goals for the next few months but I know that if I stay motivated and dedicated I can achieve those goals. I hope that I can inspire those around me to do it, I tell everyone all the time "If I can do it, anyone can". It's true. It is a lot of hard work but it is totally worth it in the long run.

In any case my weekend was bland. We went to Bonefish Grille for dinner with some of our friends on Friday night. I really do not like fish but I had mahi mahi and it was actually very good. We were supposed to go duck pin bowling because none of us ever had before but the boys pitched a fight so we ended up sitting at Starbucks for 2 hours. It was not my idea of an exciting Friday night but hubbies were grumpy. Saturday I went to the gym and then came home and crashed on the couch with the puppies. For some reason, whether I'm tired or not, I fall asleep everytime I watch the movie Twilight. I loved the books but the movie knocks me out. Saturday I also had to do grocery shopping and although I get much better deals at Walmart, it makes me irate having to go there. People are crazy there and it makes me dread grocery shopping. Sometimes I can convince the hubby to go shopping on his nights off because he can go very late at night when less idiots are out. Sunday I went to the gym again and then did some organizing. Hubby bought me a shelving unit for the garage that I wanted to put some overflow kitchen items on. We have a few too many big appliance items(toaster oven, rotisserie, huge crockpot) that were taking up too much room in the kitchen. I organized the shelving unit in the garage and opened up 2 whole cabinets in the kitchen. It's amazing and I told the hubby he's the best. Sunday nights are wind down days for me, I usually spend an hour reading and try to get to bed early for a fresh start to the week. I also usually spend half the day baking and prepping the week's fruits and veggies so that I don't have to do it during the week. Yesterday I baked homemade cornbread muffins, chocolate chip cookies and brownies. The brownies were for a friend at work and the muffins were for hubby since they are his favorite. The cookies were mainly because I ripped a bag of chocolate chips and spilt half of them so I figured why not.

Speaking of baking, I really love it. I would love to open a pastry shop of some sort. I just want to make sure it's a true bakery and not a trend like a cupcake shop because ultimately that trend will fade and then there will be nothing. I think a real, true bakery is hard to come by anymore. Maybe the tradition of the whole idea is fading. I just remember being young and my grandmother taking us to the bakery where you could buy anything. Bread, donuts, cakes, pastries, dough for pizza. It was great. I wish there were more around.

I leave you with a picture of my sleeping Remi last night. For as crazy and out of control that he is(still a puppy I hope) he can be a sweetie pie

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLIE881 3/1/2010 10:01PM

    I love that your puppies are in the bathrom with you when you weigh in. I have a pup and I know how they are always by your side.

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Another survey- stolen from ANEWAMANDA

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Copy and paste this so we can learn more about one another


1. What time did you get up this morning?8:30 am, it was nice to sleep in past 7 am for once and I only did so because the gym was closed.

2. How do you like your steak? I don't really eat beef, at all, but if I do then I like it medium and the cut makes little difference to me.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Tom and I saw Book of Eli, weird movie and I totally did not realize it was about religion.

4. What is your favorite TV show? I love Gossip Girl and Criminal Minds.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? I am definitely a city girl, I always tell everyone I could never leave further than 30 minutes from an airport but I could definitely move further south and get out of this cold.

6. What did you have for breakfast? homemade pancakes. yummo

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican, but not authentic haha. I could eat cheese quesadillas everyday

8. What foods do you dislike? Hmm I do not eat creamy anything(creamy soups, mayo, alfredo sauce and I don't have the time to explain why) and I dislike avocadoes/guacamole

9. Favorite Place to Eat? Any hibachi place, I love the sauteed veggies

10. Favorite dressing? I like to switch it up currently I like Ken's Lite Raspberry Pomegranate but I love Ken's Lite Caesar as well

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? 07 Chevy Cobalt. It was the first car I ever bought on my own and it was a college car, now it;s time to upgrade to a "family" vehicle but I can't make up my mind on what to buy.

12. What are your favorite clothes? Comfy flip flops, jeans and tanks, sundresses. I am not a tshirt and jeans girl so I'm almost always dressed up-casual for me is hard

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Greece, Italy, more of Asia(I've been to Japan) and every beach I can(Turks and Caicos/Barbados/Bali, etc)

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Hmm depends on the day. I do try and see the bright side of everything but sometimes that can be tough

15. Where would you want to retire? wherever my family is

16. Favorite time of day? afternoons- especially when I can take a nap with the husband

17. Where were you born? Carnegie, Pennsylvania

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Ehh I am not into sports, the only thing I watch is the recap on ESPN at the gym so I know what's going on when the guys at work talk about it.

19. How many siblings? 1 older brother, 1 older sister, 1 younger sister and 2 stepbrothers(1 older and 1 younger). We are not like the Brady Bunch

20. Favorite pastime/hobby? reading- loove looove looove to read. watching movies, cooking/baking

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? anyone and everyone

22. Bird watcher? I don;t like to watch them but I am always interested in them when we go to the pet stores.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night

24. Do you have any pets? Yes 2 dogs. Sophie a long haired dachshund and Remington, a papillion mix that we just adopted from the ASPCA.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Not really other than being excited to go home to Pittsburgh next weekend to see the family.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? A lawyer, I still haven't given up the dream yet.

27. What is your best childhood memory? spending time with grandmother at her camp or halloweens with my sister and the other kids in the neighborhood. we always had terrible costumes(my mom is not creative at all, one year I went as a homeless bum and my sister was a ghost for 3 years in a row)

28. Are you a cat or dog person? Dogs only please, cats are weird

29. Are you married? YES. loove it so far

30. Always wear your seat belt? yes because my car will not let you not.

31. Been in a car accident? twice, once with my mom and it was terrible and once with Tom and he will say it was terrible(his mustang was in the shop for months afterwards)

32. Any pet peeves? people who talk incessantly especially to themselves, traffic, and idiot drivers in Maryland

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?pepperoni and mushrooms

34. Favorite Flower? gerber daisies, hydrangea, peonies

35. Favorite ice cream? ben and jerrys chubby hubby or anything peanut butter chocolate

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? We don't typical fast food(McDonalds, Wendys, Burger King ever) but I do LOOOOOOVE Panera and I will not give it up

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Hmm 6 times before I passed, but in my defense I can not parallel park at all and that was the first part of the test so they don't let you finish after that.

38. From whom did you get your last email? Facebook

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Banana Republic, I love their clothing

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Nope, I am a planner and a worrier. Spontaneous for me is dinner without a plan

41. Like your job? Interesting question, especially after the week I just had at work. Currently no I do not and I would like to find a new job

42. Broccoli? yes loove broccoli and eat it a few times a week

43. What was your favorite vacation? Tom and I love to go to Disney and have been several time and I loved going to Hilton Head with him. It was quiet and relaxing and I go to lay on the beach all day which always makes me happy

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Tom, Rich, Dina, Staci and Bart to Capital Grille for Rich's bday.

45. What are you listening to right now? The tv is on downstairs but husband is hovering over me reading this and looking out the window at the crazy snow.

46. What is your favorite color? Blue

47. How many tattoos do you have? 2- a ladybug on my foot for my grams and a pair of angel wings with my dads initials on my lower back

48. How many people will fill this out? hopefully a lot

49. What time did you finish this quiz? 4:47 pm on to watch lost on our dvr

50. Coffee Drinker? Nope, I am a reformed Starbucks addict, and husband drinks enough for both of us.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLIE881 2/7/2010 8:18AM

    I learned a lot about you! Thanks for sharing!

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SUGIRL06 2/6/2010 5:44PM

    LoL cats ARE weird.
~Ang

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ABC about me(stolen from a few)

Thursday, February 04, 2010

A is for Age: 25

B is for Booze: Cucumber margaritas

C is for Career: Sales and Marketing for a fundraising company

D is for Dad's name: Robert White(deceased)

E is for Essential items to bring to a party: music and good food

F is for Favorite song or music: Currently Marc Broussard

G is for Goof off thing to do: go to the movies

H is for Hometown: Carnegie, Pennsylvania

I is for Instrument you play: No instruments, I am not musical at all

J is for Jam or Jelly you like: None, I am a peanut butter no jelly girl

K is for Kids:None yet, hopefully 3 or 4 someday until then I have furbabies

L is for Living arrangement:My hubby and I own a 2 bedroom townhome

M is for Mom's name: Cynthia White-Sutton

N is for Name of best friend: Nicole

O is for Overnight Stay in a Hospital: Once when I had hip surgery in elementary school

P is for Phobias: Dying

Q is for Quote you like: "Be wise enough not to be reckless, but brave enough to take great risks."

R is for Relationship that lasted longest: Hubby- dated for 5 years married for 2 months

S is for Siblings: 2 sisters, 1 brother and 2 stepbrothers

T is for Texas, ever been? Never

U is for Unique trait : i only have one dimple

V is for vegetable you love: broccoli

W is for Worst traits: procrastinaor and i never think im wrong

X- is for X-rays you've had: a couple on my hip

Y is for Yummy food you make: cupcakes or anything baked- my friends and fam want me to open a bakery!

Z is for Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

That's me in an alphabet

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWYORKORCHIDS 2/4/2010 2:47PM

  I only have one dimple too...it's in my left cheek (I think I got it from me grandmother).

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WHITEJM11 2/4/2010 2:39PM

    OK so cucumber margaritas come from a restaurant here in Baltimore but I have recreated them using my mom's recipe for Margaritas. She uses Triple Sec, good tequila(not the cheap stuff) and limeade from concentrate. She doesn't measure anything she just makes it up so I can't help you there. But basically you make a pitcher of margaritas and then you take chopped cucumbers and muddle them in the bottom of a glass(water glass not a margarita glass) and then pour your margarita mixture over. SOOOOO yummy and refreshing. It tastes like summer in a glass

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CAROLINE1000 2/4/2010 2:31PM

    Seriously. Tell us more about the cucumber margaritas. Sounds fabulous and like it would actually pair well with foods.

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DOLL2THEWALL 2/4/2010 2:25PM

    I also only have one dimple. That's pretty cool. :D

-A

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SUGIRL06 2/4/2010 2:22PM

    Cucumber margaritas?? That sounds yummy
~Ang

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KEEPGOING87 2/4/2010 2:08PM

    yay

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Winter Wonderland Pics

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

I love the snow. I really love the snow. It looks so pretty and just brings back really warm memories of childhoods in Pennsylvania. Maryland and the people that live in Maryland do not like snow however. They don't know how to clean the roads and they can not drive in inclement weather of any kind but especially in the snow. We woke up this morning to a beautiful 5 inches of snow. My favorite part of the snow storms are when I walk the dogs at 7 am and no one is out, it's quiet and still dark and it honestly feels like I am walking in a snow globe. Everything sounds like it's on mute, you can't hear traffic and the puppies and I just walk through the snow piles making our tracks through the snow. Seriously I could write about snow all day. I just adore it.

In any case I took some pics on my way to work this am, I was stopped when I took them so it wasn't dangerous.

I love how big and fluffy the trees look. It truly looks like a Christmas card right now and I adore it.

I also wanted to show you all a pic of the new puppy. He is just too cute- meet Remington he has one ear up and one down always. It's so cute it makes me want to kiss him

And as to not leave my baby Sophie out here she is look at that face, she should be a doggie model.


Hubby and I are traveling to Chicago this weekend to visit with his parents. They have finally sold their home(Tom's childhood home) after having it on the market for over a year. This will be our last time visiting there since they are moving to South Carolina in March. I'm excited to get away for a few days and spend some time with his family but also sad to say goodbye to Tom's childhood home, and a lot of memories that he and I have created there. This will be an exciting trip because it's the first time we will be allowed to sleep in the same bed since we are finally married. YAY

Hope everyone has a wonderful day

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITBECKSRN24 2/3/2010 4:25PM

    have a safe trip =) i use to live in rockville.....it was MUGGY i couldnt stand the summers there!

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SUGIRL06 2/3/2010 11:06AM

    Cute puppie!!! I wish I had my camera with me today. I love the snow also but all the drivers in South Jersey don't know what to do when there is an inch on the ground! Ugh! I went to school in Syracuse, NY and they could handle some snow! Roads were always clear, even if they just got 3 feet. Haha!
~Ang

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TREBLE02 2/3/2010 10:59AM

    Beautiful pics of the snow! That is how my drive to work looked too!
I LOVE Remington!!! I just want to kiss and hug him! and Sophie is precious too! hehehe...have a great day!

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D_K455 2/3/2010 10:26AM

    love the snow

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