Saturday, April 09, 2011
Thank you again for the support that I received from my meltdown. I wrote my blog so that I could start to own what I was feeling. I realise now why they recommend to write and keep in contact with members on this site. For the support and encouragement. Members are so positive.
What I have noticed before when I was more positive I was blogging and being more active with lots of teams. However in the last month the blogging has started to fall off. Also the interaction has fallen away slightly. To my detriment. By keeping involved does keep you motivated.
When I wrote the blog I actually did not know what was wrong. I realised what the problem yesterday. Yesterday was my niece's graduation from university. So proud of her.
But the history behind is I actually talked her into joining me to start uni together. (Best thing I ever did because we now have a fantastic relationship, not as Aunt and niece but as best friends). I had to pull out because of sickness and the operations that I have written about in the past.
I did actually withdraw at the start of this year. I have accepted the fact that now it would be too hard to start studying again. But I really think it was that last little bit of letting go.
Went over to see her graduate. So happy and proud and I am glad that I went.
One of my lecturers asked how I was and when I said "really good now", she asked me to come back and continue. My answer was "no, I am going to have a life". This is when I realised that I had completely let go of this part of my life, with no regrets. I felt the weight lifting from my shoulders.
Had a beautiful day, went to the graduation, then went out for dinner to celebrate. I had nice clothes on, makeup (I don't wear makeup often) had my hair straighten by a friend. After she finished my hair I went into her bedroom to look at myself in full length mirror and DRUMROLL (shock horror) I thought I looked nice and actually did admit it. This is a big moment because I have never thought that before.
I am glad I attempted to do a degree, it has helped me in lots of different ways. I am a lot stronger person than before.
Now I am back to being positive and concentrating on myself. I ended up putting on weight (2 1/2kgs) in the last 2 weeks because of the emotional eating and not weighing. But at least I have stopped eating.
Another thing what was worrying me was my hot air balloon ride. I feel that I was being too rigid in saying I have to lose another 15kgs. I have lost 14kgs now. But now think I deserve it if I lose between a total of 25 to 30kgs. I am still going to aim for the 15kgs but was thinking what if I only lose another 14kgs, I will miss out. I still need to earn it, but need to have a little bit of a leeway and flexibility because I am not perfect.
Now I start on my next chapter in my life.
Short term goals.
1. Post regular blogs.
2 take a more active role in the teams that I am on.
3 lose weight 500grams per week or 1lb per week.
4 eat healthy, not to emotionally eat
5. do exercise every day.
Still aiming to lose 15kgs (30 od lbs) by November
Get back to living an enjoyable time. Back to being positive.
I want my balloon ride in November, this is with my niece.
Then I need to make more goals for next year, I will need to aim for a total of 50 to 60 kg loss of weight.
I am not perfect
I can't expect my weight loss to be perfect
I am only human.
I need to be more flexible.
I need to enjoy my decisions to lose weight.
I need to be honest with myself.
Don't let my emotions consume me or control me.
Grandchildren will be here tonight so I am going to have an enjoyable weekend.