Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Ok, time to come clean. I have gained back half of what I took over 2 years to lose in the last 6 months. Yes, this is partly due to a medication change that made my thyroid medicine less effective and also affected my appetite (so I'm always hungry). I'd love to blame all 15 lbs on those facts, but I can't. I have to try to take some responsibility. I have not exercised as much as I should have, I have stopped tracking calories, and I know I've been eating too much. On the bright side, many of my positive habits have stuck. I still drink mostly water, and no soda, and I eat more whole fruit and less chips. I would never sit down and eat half a bag of regular potato chips and dip (anymore). So yes, some things are still with me. I'm so frustrated at myself for giving up and giving in to the negative thoughts I first had when the medicine change started to slow then halt my progress. If I would have kept up with my routines, it's very possible I would not have gained so much back. Would I have gained something? Probably, but it wouldn't be 15 lbs, and I wouldn't be looking at at least a years worth of work just thrown away. I'm really trying to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back to Sparkin'. It feels a lot like starting from the beginning. All the familiar feelings are there, the shame of failure, the guilt over how poorly I've treated my body, and the fear that even if I start again that I will fail yet again. I'm so tired of failing. I'm tired of trying so hard only to easily gain back what I had to work so hard to lose. I'm tired of my crappy self-esteem.
I don't want to wait until my surgery date to get back on track. Part of me says "What's the point, as long as you are on the meds, you'll never lose a thing", but I think really that's not the point. I need to get back to the "So what if I lose weight?" mentality. Yes I felt better when I lost weight, but right now what I need is to work on my health and my fitness. If I lose weight, great, but I really don't want that to rule how I feel about myself. I started out that way last time and didn't worry about the scale, only how I felt and if I was meeting my goals. I really want to do that again, but I know it's going to take a lot of work on my mind, not just my body, to get me there. So today I need to make a goal and I will do that again tomorrow and the next day. One little goal to start and I can go from there. I want to get back to tracking my food intake, but right now I just feel that I can't do that without feeling deprived and frustrated. So today my goal is, no mindless snacking, drink at least 3 bottles of water and eat nothing fried. I think that's doable. I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.
Friday, December 10, 2010
I know it's been a while, I've been slacking off a bit lately. I haven't logged my food much lately, though I am still conscious of what and how much I'm eating and trying to stay balanced. I do need to get back to that, just to make sure I'm on track, but I have been weighing and haven't seemed to gain anything significant (just the usual lose 1 gain 1 type thing). Still recovering from surgery, so don't want to do anything too crazy yet. I have started playing 18 holes of frisbee golf with my husband on the weekends, so at least I'm doing something a little active and getting out into the fresh air. I've thought a lot about getting back on the treadmill, but I've been having some physical problems and pain, so it's making me a little wary about getting into anything too strenuous.
On the bright side, John has helped me get into the Christmas spirit this year. We got the Christmas tree and decorations down a few weeks ago. I even decluttered things we didn't need or want anymore. It was nice to see a backseat full of clutter leave my house :) I've been also baking more lately, as I usually do when the weather turns cool, but I think I've been pretty good about only eating one or two portions and not more. The exception was some awesome peanut butter cookies I made, but even then, they were only 65 cals each and I think I still stayed in my calories.
Due to a Sparkpeople post on Facebook, I started thinking about when I joined and how far I've come from where I started. Sometimes I get really down about how long this journey is taking and the plateaus with which I'm becoming quite familiar. Today though, I am thinking about where I began and how, even when I've gotten frustrated about my weight loss progress I haven't given up, I haven't stuffed my face, and I haven't gained back the 25 lbs that I lost. I did gain a few pounds back right around surgery. I'm sure mostly due to changing weather and lower activity levels. I'm really hoping to get back to "normal" soon and get back on the bandwagon. Even so, I still don't drink soda, I'm eating less sodium, more fruits and vegetables, drinking more water, and cooking more/eating out much less. So while I might not be "thin", I am much healthier and am able to be much more active than I ever thought possible. I have lost enough weight that I have to buy new underwear, so that's something, right? :D I hope to lose more weight over the next few years. Until then, I am thankful for how far I've come and the success I've had thus far.
Friday, August 20, 2010
It's been a rough summer for weight loss. I know I'm mostly to blame, but I also feel there are some outside factors that loom heavily over me. So here's the gist of things, I haven't lost even a single pound all summer. I've seen my water weight (I'm assuming) fluctuate a pound or three, but nothing else. I've been trying very hard to stay in my calorie range, but it's been much harder the last few months. It used to be food was the one thing that when I wanted to, I could control it. I could choose not to eat, I could choose to eat more healthfully. I don't know if it's the new birth control, the fact that my thyroid meds have been wrong most of the summer, or what, but I've been craving food sooo much. I've been trying to eat healthy alternatives. When I have a sweet tooth, I've been eating cereal instead of 10 cookies, so that's something, right?
I don't know what it is, but the harder I try, the more obsessed I've become with food. I hate this. This is what I do when I "diet". I get obsessive and then I think about nothing but food and when and what the next meal would be. I don't want to be that person anymore. I've been trying to keep busy cleaning, working on jewelry, and other things, but they are only temporary diversions. Mostly I think I have been within my calorie range (sometimes at the high point, but not over). I have been over my designated amount of exercise according to the numbers I plug in, but who knows how accurate that is. I am going to try very hard next week to make my routine more regular. I need to get back to the treadmill.
We've been playing tennis, hiking, and kayaking this summer, but it's not enough. I've only done that on the weekends, and honestly not nearly enough to burn the calories and give my body a good work out. I think it was easier in the beginning where I was going into it from a health perspective and not worrying about whether I lost weight or not. If I did, great, if not, at least I would feel better than when I just sat around doing nothing. I think I need to get back to that. I really want to be comfortable in my own skin, no matter what size that is. It needs to be about taking good care of my body so I can do the things I want to do. I've thought about taking a break from the scale for a good long while, but that seems terrifying to me now. I think it's more that I'm scared of gaining back what I've fought so hard to lose more than wanting to lose more (even though I DO want to lose). I don't want to struggle quite so hard every day, and I certainly don't want to feel this way the rest of my life (which is how long I want to keep the weight off). I need help. I'm asking now, I don't know what else to do.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Kayaking went pretty well. The water was a little higher and therefore had more current than the other two times John went before by himself. I wasn't expecting to have to work so hard to go upstream. It was quite a workout! I was definitely tired and ready to go back long before he was, but I tried my best to hang in there. We ended up being out on the water for about an hour, and I was paddling for about 3/4 or more of that time. I had to take a nap after we got home I was so exhausted! :) I was anxious most of the time, but John was really patient and encouraging so I did much more than I expected. All in all it was pretty nice, and I'm sure we'll go out again soon (maybe this weekend.. a LAKE this time instead of a river :D ). We considered going out again Sunday, but I was still pretty sore, so we settled for some tennis and John teaching me how to drive a stick shift. THAT was a terrifying idea, but somehow I got through it and let me tell you, he is an amazing teacher! I was so impressed, I couldn't stop grinning at how proud I was of myself for doing it even though I was so scared, and so .. just.. amazed at how great a teacher he was and just how loving and awesome in general my husband is. I really have no words to accurately describe how I was feeling, but I can tell you I feel like one of the luckiest women on earth to have married such a wonderful man :)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
This is a response I wrote to a friend today when she was asking about my success thus far. (Some small amount of editing was done, when it was something irrelevant or something I felt was personal to her) I felt like this was the perfect place to put this down, so that maybe others could gain something from it, and also so that I can look back on it when I am further down in my journey.
"Yep, I'm excited about my weight loss, in fact, I'm down another pound today, so only a little left to reach 30 total so far :D I do think I have more energy for sure. Not only that, it's just EASIER to do things. Simple things, like bending to tie my shoes, were getting uncomfortable, and that really bothered me. I could show you a picture, but I feel like you can't really tell the difference. My husband's family always says stuff to me about how I look thinner, but they are the only ones who have ever said anything. I'm not sure if that's good or not. I guess if people don't notice I've lost, maybe they hadn't noticed how big I was either. Maybe that says something good about my personality? LOL, I don't know.
How do I feel different? Hm.. I think mostly I just feel better about myself. For instance, it doesn't really matter that I am still 50 lbs too heavy. I do things that some "thin" people don't do. I'm willing to try things I was too scared to try before. I'm not afraid of failure. After sticking with this for almost a year and a half, I feel like that says something really good about me when it's not like the weight is easily falling off. I've struggled, hard, to get where I am. But I'm persistent. I give myself some slack when I need it, and push myself as much as I can. Also, I guess really my whole life is different. It's like there's a new overall tone to everything. I feel more positive, like I can do anything. I look at food differently. I don't get cravings like I used to. When I crave something it's usually fruits and veggies :) (though I do have urges for soy ice cream at times :D ). The best thing about my new relationship with food is I never feel guilty anymore. If I want something, I have it. I don't eat a bag of chips, I eat a serving. Same with anything else. Then of course, I make sure I balance that out with veggies and protein. I can't say I feel this way 100% of the time, but at least 90% of the time food is my friend, it is fuel for my body and something I have control over to keep me healthy.
My overall goal is the same as the one I started with, to be as healthy as possible with my multiple health issues, and to not be considered "obese" anymore. I am not trying to be thin. I only want to fit in "normal" sized clothes and to not have my weight as a risk factor on my health insurance. My very first reason for starting this whole thing was purely health based. I had tried losing weight so many times with limited success, I was worried about trying again and failing only to be 20 lbs heavier than when I began (yet again). So I went into this thinking, I'll work on being healthy. If I lose weight, great, if not, I'm taking care of my body and I will love myself no matter what. This was a huge thing for me. I had never felt that way before. I don't know how many people go into weight loss while loving who they are, inside and out, right then, but I feel like it was the key to where I am now. Any time I felt like giving up, or eating something that would hurt my body I would stop and think, I love myself, is this what I would do to someone I loved? I am not perfect by any means. I have days I play on the computer instead of working out, or days when I go over my calories (though really that is pretty rare for me these days), but I forgive myself. I don't dwell on it and let it give me an excuse to give up. That's how it always started before, the beginning of the end. I won't let that happen this time. I decided I have enough of a stubborn streak in me that I can use it to my advantage. If I had the courage and strength to become vegan, I can surely do this :)
As to the push that finally got me to start (if I haven't covered that specifically already), it was really a combination of the frustration (and following depression) at trying to find affordable health insurance (which was ridiculous partially due to my weight) and my declining health. I did some research and found ways to have more control over how I felt and I wanted that. I was tired of feeling miserable every day all day. I felt like I was wasting my life away. So now I do have rough days still, but I have at least 50-70% of my time I either have very little pain, or at least I'm able to function despite it. I'm proud to say I was the one who did that when the doctors could not."
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