WEIGHTFORME1's Recent Blog Entries

Not Following in My Mother's Footsteps

Saturday, February 27, 2010

My mother died when she was 56 from heart problems. Before her death - for a number of years, she was unable to even walk around the block without having to stop several times to catch her breath and recoup physically. She weighed over 300 pounds. She used to have thick hair as I do, and it had thinned. I didn't realize it then, but I do now looking back - her body was dying. Her heart didn't have to strength to properly send nutrients to all her body.

Abuse was a big problem in my family. My father beat us children, and my mother did nothing about that. Instead she became depressed, bitter, and gave up. It showed through her weight and her attitude. She, in my opinion, committed a slow suicide. She was dead while alive.

I don't want to die while alive. I have inherited some of her defeat, but I am here on Sparkpeople to live. I will not die while alive.

I need a weekend to re-group. This is my weekend.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DRSUNSHINE1 4/9/2010 1:39AM

    This is a very powerful blog to have written. Kudos to you for sharing these feelings. I hope that SP has been helpful to you so far and that you continue to find the encouragement and support you are looking for in your journey.


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A Day to Pick on Myself

Thursday, February 04, 2010

I hate the way I look in my profile picture. I have been avoiding pictures for a long time. If photos are taken I avoid looking at them.

I have now stuck to my diet for 38 days and have lost 14.5 pounds as of my last weigh-in. I calculate my loss per day to figure out when I will reach a 'good' weight. I calculate and calculate. I graph. I use math to avoid living in the moment. I could bore the reader and myself with my calculations but I'll refrain.

I have not indulged for 38 days. I should be at my goal weight now! I should not have to look at an ugly profile picture! Getting out of denial makes me want to hibernate because if I had acknowledged how ugly I am I would never go out in public.

These are the dirty thoughts that run around inside my head. These are old thoughts. I will continue on my process to cure myself from my unhealthfulness and my distorted thinking. I WILL succeed this time.



Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Just a moment ago I read a post from someone who said she was seriously suicidal. I know the feeling - I have been so close to suicide myself many times. My grandfather, whom I never met, killed himself. My father shot himself through his brain. After he did that I put on 100 pounds. I had spent so much of my life being the victim of his verbal and physical abuse. I was never good enough. He was cruel. He did cruel things to me, he beat me so badly a couple of times that I lost control and wet all over myself. He broke my jaw once.

Even though we had this past, I wanted him to love me. I used to have a fantasy that he'd grow old and come to live with me, and we would have a loving relationship. What I got instead was a big stamp on my heart for the rest of my life that I was not good enough for him to want to live for.

Suicide is the worst abuse you can do to the survivors.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I am so sorry for what you went through. Counseling really helped me.

"Even though we had this past, I wanted him to love me." I can so relate to this statement. I do not understand why we want them to love us so bad, why we're so desperate for it, but I was too.

You were brave to post this here and that's a big first step. I hope you are reaching out for further help. It's available, you just have to ask.

"Even stunted trees reach for the light."

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28 Day Blitz!!!!

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Today I started my official '28 Day Blitz' which is four weeks I have dedicated to exercising MORE, eating just a wee bit LESS (1200 calories a day), and eating lots of fruits and vegetables. Today I had a Balance bar for breakfast. For lunch I had a grande caramel frappacino (its my mocha Monday). For dinner I had a whole cantaloupe with cottage cheese. I started on an artichoke but it had weird spots on it so I tossed it.

As part of my program I pledge to walk the dogs at least 1.5 miles per day. I did that today. I also went to gyrotonics this morning.

These are big changes for my lifestyle. I hope I can continue with them.


Doing Something for Myself

Sunday, January 31, 2010

I put up several notes to myself on sticky pads, and one by one they tell me things that I am hopeful will keep me on track with my dieting process. One says 'Live for this day.' Another says 'What would you be doing today if you were thin?' Another 'Live as if you are at your goal weight/' Another 'Start a new live and remember it's an adventure!'

Today is Sunday, and I was just going to lounge around the house and do a bit of work but after perusing the notes to me I put on my flip flops and walked down to get a pedicure and a manicure. I had my nails painted a forest green. I treated myself. I did what I would have done today if I were thin, i.e., if i deserved to be taken care of. It felt good.