Thursday, September 19, 2013
AHOY! Some TLAPD4U
Start where you stand and never mind t' past, T' past won't help you in beginnin' new, If you have port it all behind at last Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through; This be another chapter in t' book, This be another race that you have planned, Don't give t' vanished days a aftward look, Start where you stand.
T' world won't care about your old defeats If you can start anew and win success, T' future be your time, and time be fleet And thar be much o' work and strain and stress; Forget t' buried woes and went t' Davy Jones' locker despairs, Here be a brand new trial starboard at hand, T' future be for him who does and dares, Start where you stand.
Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid, To-day's t' thin', to-morrow soon will be; Get in t' fight and face it unafraid, And leave t' past t' ancient history; What has been, has been; ayeterday be went t' Davy Jones' locker And by it you be neither blessed nor banned, Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead, Start where you stand.
Original by Berton Brailey - "Start Where You Stand"
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
No real changes since last week.
Met with my therapist, Ann. That name, or minor variant, seems to be pervasive in my life (Mom, Liz's Mom, Cousin, Aunt, Sister-in-law) Anyway... she seems good hearted, I don't have enough experience right now to make any remarks on her technique/style. But I think she may be a good fit.
She has me doing a separate journal to help me monitor emotions and such, but I feel off the wagon the last couple days... I need to get back on it. Simple how do I feel, what do I need type stuff. I just need to get it done and think of it like a task at work that has to be addressed.
I haven't been very active this week, the blues have me pretty tight. Taking most of my energy to make sure I don't release the beast on those around me. I knew that meeting with the therapist wasn't going to immediately fix anything, but it has me more self conscious about my ugly little habit. I'm realizing more each day how much I've been deluding myself. I'm half afraid that I'm going to gain back all of my weight in the process of recovering/rectifying the purging issue. That or that if I start gaining weight, that I'm going to back slide on any progress I made on the other front. it's a mass of confusion in my head at the moment.
But I'm going to keep on marching, and look towards the day where I am living the dream.
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
Hey Folks. Under 240 still and semi-content with that.
I found a therapist who can work with me about my issues to include my eating disorder. I'll see her this Friday. I hope with her help I can re-establish my center. This is a short update, not particularly virtually loquacious today.
Peace and Hugs.
Monday, July 29, 2013
I'm really struggling with whether I should tell anyone about my doctor's appointment today, but I think it needs to be disclosed and discussed.
Most of you know I suffer from Depression. It's something I've been gripping with most of my life. I came to the realization last week that I have a serious problem that I needed to seek help for. I didn't realize I had this problem because I kept making excuses and lying to myself about.
Liz accompanied me for moral support, and I wanted her to understand the depth of my self discovery. I saw my medication doctor who manages my depression meds today, and he says I need to see a specialist... and a therapist...
Over the past decade, I've become a purger... To the tune of 2-3 times a week minimum. I'm not going to lie about it, I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop feeling sick after certain meals. At first I would say self-betraying or self-denying things in order to justify my vomiting.. "it was too greasy", "Something tasted funny", "I have a drip down the back of my throat"
I can't say, nor am I qualified to self-diagnose myself as Bulimic. See, I don't binge per se. I get so guilty about eating at times, that I make myself sick. I've always had an uncanny ability to make myself vomit pretty much on command. Some where along the way, before Liam was born and after my first stint(s) in college, I realized sub-consciously that some of my eating habits were unhealthy.
I don't know when I started and would go to a buffet with my friends, and towards the end of the meal, I would feel so disgusted with myself that I would go to the bathroom and vomit. That is traditional bulimic behavior. I don't remember if that was the beginning or a mutation. All I can say is I approached Liz during the last part of the week and told her I think I have an eating disorder. She was very sympathetic, but not very surprised. She asked the questions before, she may have even said something outright and I brushed it off. For me, It didn't dawn on me until last week.
Liz and I went to Five Guys for a quick bite after going to the pool with Liam. Now we normally order the small "Little" burgers. A single patty, that isn't entirely too unhealthy. But I stood there when we ordered and said I wanted a bacon cheeseburge, and Liz asked if I meant to order a little bacon cheeseburger. I told her that my order was correct and she begrudgingly allowed me my indiscretion.
She didn't mean or intend for me to feel bad for ordering it, it was against my normal trend. People eat the full double patty all the time. I ate well that day. Healthy breakfast, had more than enough calories left in the day, it wasn't above an beyond in any significant manner outside of being at the time in my mind a larger than usual meal. Then as I finished the burger, I felt ashamed for not listening to Liz, I should have only ate half, I should have removed the bread, I should have... I should... up and to the bathroom.
Now remember when I said I ate pretty healthy/good that day, All that was in my stomach at that point was mostly the water and tea I have been drinking the last half of the afternoon. I know because most of it also came up after I rid myself of the intruder that was in my body. For the first time, I think I realized that something was amiss. Why wasn't I able to listen to my mind and the words of my wife and choose what I knew was the better choice? I still don't know the answer to that... Then came the next day.
So I went to work. Feeling pretty beat up after the previous nights dinner fiasco, I opted to have just yogurt to help my stomach in the morning for breakfast. 150 calorie greek yogurt that my coworkers are used to me eating. Well I missed dinner for all intents and purposes so I had a second midway through the morning. I went to lunch with a co-worker and got a three piece chicken strip from the local Hardee's. Again not a big meal by any stretch, but I had a whole two yogurts for breakfast... gluttony!! Then came pizza night.
I binged that night. Large Pepperoni Mushroom pizza from my favorite place Sal's. Had two slices at the table, and shoveled a third down my gullet as I stopped for something to drink. I realized I was blowing everything... I was out of control... I should accept it and not... and then I snuck myself out to the living room, and proceeded to go upstairs to get something. Half way up the stairs, I see the bathroom door at the top and decide to make a pit stop. It was the worst feeling in the world. I'm hanging on the toilet, forcing myself to retch violently because apparently I didn't drink enough water that day and my stomach, more like my esophagus, was not giving up anything easily. Graphic I know, but honestly thought to myself how it was necessary, and that I deserved it in some way for being so pathetic.
Let's pause for a moment. I am more active than I have been in 15 years. During that 15 years of neglect, Okay 12 years, because I started turning my health back around when Liam was born, I was steadily gaining weight despite those episodes of purging despite whether I was binging or not. I hit 300 (295+) when Liam was born. Since then, even with this disorder, I managed to improve most of my eating habits (portion sizes to be one) and lose over 60lbs since then. I'm still 15 pounds from my goal when I joined my fellows on SparkPeople to get myself back down to a healthy weight and learn to eat better and not concentrate just on ridding fat. I realize there is a lot for me to be proud of.
But I'm not. I feel ... like an arrogant prat. A self deceiving arrogant prat who believes that everyone thinks I'm an attention needing high maintenance broken son of a biscuit eater. Let me make it clear, that's not what I consciously think, it's how I feel. My rational mind and my emotional self are at odds. That's the depression I think. I dunno.
Which leads me to feeling pathetic. I see problems, and I instantly see solutions. That's the engineering brain I've been granted. I can logically plan and begin to implement changes in many things to achieve a better result. My problem comes when my emotions start setting in and I start derailing myself. I have distorted my own reality so much, that I sometimes don't even know who I am anymore. I've become paranoid (See the feeling everyone thinks I'm a prat and attention hound), lazy, inconsiderate, anti-social, and generally moody. Yet, I have wonderful friends who tell me the opposite. I want to believe them, but I don't feel it.
Anyway, the doctor has decided I need to see a professional therapist. Unfortunately their office therapist who deals with such matters has too many patients and has sent me a list of others to check. I'll work on that tomorrow, I guess. This is the confession that I did not want to give.
Now for my plea. Don't pity me. Don't step on egg shells around me. I'm owning this here and now. This is an illness like cancer, like strep throat, like depression, like my weight. I will learn to either fix it, or manage it. I welcome any advice, discourse, or words of encouragement.
This is not a letter of surrender, but a proclamation that I have seen the enemy, and t will endeavor to overcome.
P.S. For those who are disappointed, discouraged, or have lost faith in me, I do truly apologize. I just hope that one day you can forgive my deception.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Wow I'm under 240 again! Let's hope it's the last time I see 240.
Funny my last post was about an article I wrote for my BLC challenge.
This is my second one for this round. It's called Wild Card Weekend, and I decided to share it here as well.
____ Begin Article ____
I'm going to start by having you choose something.
and draw four cards. Write them down. You'll need them later.
I have been thinking about this article for a couple days, and realized I had no idea what to do. So I did the same thing I normally do and looked at the words. WILD CARD. Poker. Cards... yeah no long stretch there.
I thought to myself. “Self? What could we do with cards?” Myself answered me with “How about something dealing with Mind, Body, and Soul?” I was blown away. Why didn't I think of that?? Oh wait, I just did... But wait... that's three categories and we have four suits? Myself answered me with “Uh... Body is both muscle and nutrition right?” So after a quick “Duh” moment I hopped up, did the Dougie, and got to thinking. This is the fruit of my labors, and I can only thank myself for the immense assistance through which this work would not have come to light.
So I'm going to put it to you like this. This is a tool, not a challenge. Save it in your noggin, print it, send it to me for my John Hancock and post it next to your bed stand. Hang it over the mantle. Whatever floats your boat. On a day you are feeling you need a challenge (everyday maybe?) try choosing 4 cards (Which the link refers to an online card randomizer) again at
GO ahead and read all 52 ideas:
For fun, post your 4 cards and their suggestions to the chat thread.
For more fun, go ahead and do them.
If you don't like your choices, or you can't do one, then turn those cards (all four or just 1,2, or 3) in and pull replacements.
Personally I'm going to try and do this through the week and have one from each suit every day.
Most of all have Fun with it.
Mind - Spades
1. ) Try using your off hand for an entire activity (even using your opposite hand on the mouse, or making dinner with your off hand)
2.) Learn a new and novel task about a process you haven't done before (think chess, tai chi, the process for making a water bottle bubble maker, modeling clay or playdough, or using your off hand as in #1 above)
3.) Go for a walk for 20 minutes or more and don't listen to any music or bring along any distractions.
4.) Try getting dressed with your eyes closed
5.) Wash your hair with your eyes closed
6.) Try having a meal with someone and agree to use only visual clues to communicate... no talking
7.) Concentrate on listening to some music and smell flowers at the same time.
8.) Really listen to the outdoors and tap your fingers.
9.) Shop at a new (preferably grocery) store
10.) Try learning to count to 5 or 10 in a new language.
11.) Read something in a genre you typically don't gravitate to.
12.) Create a bingo style game and get someone to play with you or do a new puzzle (Crossword, Sudoku, 9000 piece solid BLUE puzzle of impossibility)
13.) When you wake up, while still in bed, slowly begin to move your toes. Wiggle, scrunch, or stretch them.
Physical - Clubs
1.) Do some sort of yard work. If you don't have a yard, find a park or retirement home and do a little help cleaning up.
2.) Walk the dog – If you don't have a walkable pet, find a child, or just go for a 20 minute or longer distractionless walk.
3.) Go for swim, bike, or hike
4.) Do something graceful – like yoga or tai-chi
5.) Dance. Get up and do it.
6.) Go play a sport, Tennis, Golf, Bowling, etc. Something mental and physical.
7.) Enjoy, and the key word is enjoy, some intimate physical contact (Interpret as you need)
8.) 20 minutes – Do it, whatever it is, just make it physical
9.) Think about a routine and what you can do to increase the challenge and do it!
10.) Step side to side for 60 seconds at your own pace. Then try doing it for another 30 at twice that rate.
11.) Find out how many crunches you can do in 90 seconds.
12.) Sit in your chair with your back up straight and tighten your abs while you lift your feet. Hold it for 60-90 seconds.
13.) Find a string, tape, whatever and mark off 25 feet or so. Now pretend to be a tight-rope walker and go the entire length... twice. If you don't have space to do so. Then try doing a crab walk across the room both ways.
Food - Diamonds
1.) Eat a serving of something green
2.) Eat a serving of something blue
3.) Eat a serving of something red
4.) Eat a serving of something yellow
5.) Eat a serving of something fruity
6.) Eat a serving of something with whole grains
7.) Find a “superfood” and give it a try if you haven't already (Goji, Blueberries, etc).
8.) Drink 8 oz of water right now!!
9.) Try a new food that is ethnically different than what you normally eat.
10.) Try some Chai
11.) Bake some (healthy preferred) cookies – Think about the process, feel the dough and the texture, enjoy the smell and taste.
12.) Join/start a dinner group that is focused on healthy eating. Where 6 people or more get together and each brings a dish. Alternating homes for hosting will keep things alive.
13.) Clean out the fridge. You know it needs to be done.
Soul - Hearts
1.) Note what emotions you are feeling right now, also try and list the emotions you have felt throughout the day. Accept them for what they are.
2.) Take a hot bath for 15 minutes
3.) Try meditating for 15 minutes
4.) Stand up, stay still, and practice BREATHING for 60 seconds.
5.) Do something fun. Something joyful. Something enjoyable. Even if it's only for 5 minutes.
6.) Think about something negative that happened recently, and then think how you could reword it to be something positive. For instance: I yelled at the kids for running into the street – I helped the kids stay safe today by keeping them from running into the street.
7.) Smile. Look in the mirror and smile. Now tell yourself a joke in the mirror and laugh.
8.) Make someone else smile and laugh, it will help you too.
9.) Get a good nights rest.
10.) Heavy Petting – I mean Whisker or Fido. Find a critter of choice and just stroke some fur, or scales, whatever...
11.) Volunteer or join a new club/group/class.
12.) Find a blog where someone is struggling with something you are an expert about and join in on the discussion.
13.) Give yourself a big old hug and say a quick “I love you”
I hope you enjoyed this weekends post.
“All we actually have is our body and its muscles that allow us to be under our own power.” -- Allegra Kent, Once a Dancer…
“Extreme exercise doesn’t save you from poor food choices. It can be difficult to exercise and erase away that chocolate cake or pizza pie. It doesn’t work that way. " -- Jennifer Hudson
“When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere. " -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
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