Thursday, December 06, 2007
One year ago yesterday my mother died. I was thinking about the changes I've been through in the days since. There were some dark, dark days. I feel like there is at least a little sunshine on my path now. I enjoy things more. I scheduled my GRE exam for yesterday way back in October. It didn't even occur to me that the date was significant. By the time I realized what the date was I decided that I'd go ahead and take the test and see how I felt. I did just fine on the exam. It seems like last Dec 5 was a very, very long time ago, but at the same time it still feels so new. I've struggled so much with my food this year. I know that because I'm an emotional eater it is to be expected. But it's also expected that I will get it together with the food intake and get back to doing what is healthy for me. I'm still here, and each day is indeed a gift.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Last Friday I was waiting for a parent who had scheduled a conference. The office called to tell me she was on her way and I went out into the hall to meet her. We looked at each other with recognition, but I couldn't figure out where I knew her from, as the family is new to our school. She smiled and said, "You go to my Weight Watchers meeting!" I remembered her then and we laughed. I told her I could tell she hadn't gone in a while if she tought I was still going. She said she'd stopped going and had gained all the 30 back along with a few more.
Yesterday I went to renew my driver's license. I stepped up to the counter and the woman behind it said, "Are you a teacher?" I said maybe I was, why? She said, "Don't take this wrong, but I know you from my old Weight Watchers meeting." I told her she was the second person I'd had say that to me in less than a week and it was surely a sign from God! She said I was HER sign from God and that she was going to rejoin.
So, today I'm following the WW core program the way it is written, no modifications from me.
I swear, when God whispers, you need to listen!
Sunday, September 30, 2007
I dropped the Community Tean from my Sparkteams pages because I felt I could not seriously hope to motivate others if I could not consistently motivate myself. I regret that now, and I'm not sure how to un-do that. See, maybe the best way to motivate myself is THROUGH motivating others. Hmmm, interesting.
My birthday is Tuedsay! October is the Month of Emily. Our wedding anniversary is the 14th and hubby's birthday is the 26th. Thankfully, mineis the first event, because we do tend to get a bit weary by the time hubby's day rolls around!
This will be my first birthday since Mom died. That's been in the back of my mind for a while now. It will be odd, that's for sure. It will be interesting to see how it affects me. My plan is to work hard at maintaining my focus this week.
We shall see......
Monday, September 24, 2007
I'm tired of them! I'm tired of thinking about food all of the freaking time! How many of this have I had, how many of that............do I have a snack, can I eat brown rice if I had whole wheat pasta for lunch, is that 23 almonds?!?! Sheeeeeeeesh, already!
Okay, so I know the whole "no plan" thing has histrically not lead to weight loss in my case. I am aware. However, I've been attending Weight Watchers meetings for months without any sustained loss. Oh, I'll lose a few pounds, regain those, lose them again, all the while paying my $39.99 for the monthly pass. And at the last meeting I was at I sat there for a while thinking how it was just a colassal waste of my time and I was no longer getting anything out of it....then BAM! I got something out of it. So, who knows?
I just want to be able to select the healthy foods without thinking about what I'm NOT eating. Or even without thinking and obsessing about every calorie. Enough, already!
Can anyone relate? Maybe I need to drop the Community Team because I don't feel like I'm being very upbeat and motivational right now!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
I have a tendency towards perfectionism. At first glance it doesn't seem like a bad thing. Trying to do your best is what it sounds like. That's not what it is. The quest for perfection has kept me from trying new things, going new places, stepping out of my comfort zone. What if I'm not good at it? What if I don't know what to do? What if I try out for the part and don't get it? What if they don't like me? What if no one asks me to the party? In the past I've fallen on my weight as the reason why things may not have gone my way, the reason why "he" didn't call or ask me out. In the back of my mind maybe I thought that if I lost weight I may have to face the fact that maybe I didn't get the part, the job, the date, the party invite for other reasons. Maybe there was someone more qualified for the job, more talented for the part. Maybe "he" just didn't like me, maybe those people I was trying to impress simply didn't like me. I'd have to face those realities, the reality that I'm not perfect.
These aren't new realizations. I've worked through this some time ago. I remember trying to be perfect so my extended family would like me, so I'd be good enough. Several years ago I realized that they would have never liked me. I was the scapegoat, the reason for all the problems my mother had, and everyone else for that matter. Their intense hatred for my dead father was transferred to me the moment I was born and there was no way I could have possibly escaped that. I also realized that they were wrong. Their treatment of me wasn't about me at all. It was about them, their own issues. I was a child. I didn't have that kind of power.
So what do I do with this information now? How do I move past the realization of the facts to the part where I truly accept them and let go of the fear that my weight is the reason my life hasn't been, isn't, and won't ever be perfect? No one's life is perfect. It isn't meant to be. It's not even desirable. I know this. I understand this. I accept this. But the fear is a familiar one and letting it go is scary. I know in my heart that this is the heart of my weight issue and has been since I was a child.
Baby steps? One thing at a time? If I had, and once I find, the answer to this I will have the key..........
Get An Email Alert Each Time WATCHMEGO! Posts