Sunday, September 30, 2007
I dropped the Community Tean from my Sparkteams pages because I felt I could not seriously hope to motivate others if I could not consistently motivate myself. I regret that now, and I'm not sure how to un-do that. See, maybe the best way to motivate myself is THROUGH motivating others. Hmmm, interesting.
My birthday is Tuedsay! October is the Month of Emily. Our wedding anniversary is the 14th and hubby's birthday is the 26th. Thankfully, mineis the first event, because we do tend to get a bit weary by the time hubby's day rolls around!
This will be my first birthday since Mom died. That's been in the back of my mind for a while now. It will be odd, that's for sure. It will be interesting to see how it affects me. My plan is to work hard at maintaining my focus this week.
We shall see......
Monday, September 24, 2007
I'm tired of them! I'm tired of thinking about food all of the freaking time! How many of this have I had, how many of that............do I have a snack, can I eat brown rice if I had whole wheat pasta for lunch, is that 23 almonds?!?! Sheeeeeeeesh, already!
Okay, so I know the whole "no plan" thing has histrically not lead to weight loss in my case. I am aware. However, I've been attending Weight Watchers meetings for months without any sustained loss. Oh, I'll lose a few pounds, regain those, lose them again, all the while paying my $39.99 for the monthly pass. And at the last meeting I was at I sat there for a while thinking how it was just a colassal waste of my time and I was no longer getting anything out of it....then BAM! I got something out of it. So, who knows?
I just want to be able to select the healthy foods without thinking about what I'm NOT eating. Or even without thinking and obsessing about every calorie. Enough, already!
Can anyone relate? Maybe I need to drop the Community Team because I don't feel like I'm being very upbeat and motivational right now!
Saturday, September 15, 2007
I have a tendency towards perfectionism. At first glance it doesn't seem like a bad thing. Trying to do your best is what it sounds like. That's not what it is. The quest for perfection has kept me from trying new things, going new places, stepping out of my comfort zone. What if I'm not good at it? What if I don't know what to do? What if I try out for the part and don't get it? What if they don't like me? What if no one asks me to the party? In the past I've fallen on my weight as the reason why things may not have gone my way, the reason why "he" didn't call or ask me out. In the back of my mind maybe I thought that if I lost weight I may have to face the fact that maybe I didn't get the part, the job, the date, the party invite for other reasons. Maybe there was someone more qualified for the job, more talented for the part. Maybe "he" just didn't like me, maybe those people I was trying to impress simply didn't like me. I'd have to face those realities, the reality that I'm not perfect.
These aren't new realizations. I've worked through this some time ago. I remember trying to be perfect so my extended family would like me, so I'd be good enough. Several years ago I realized that they would have never liked me. I was the scapegoat, the reason for all the problems my mother had, and everyone else for that matter. Their intense hatred for my dead father was transferred to me the moment I was born and there was no way I could have possibly escaped that. I also realized that they were wrong. Their treatment of me wasn't about me at all. It was about them, their own issues. I was a child. I didn't have that kind of power.
So what do I do with this information now? How do I move past the realization of the facts to the part where I truly accept them and let go of the fear that my weight is the reason my life hasn't been, isn't, and won't ever be perfect? No one's life is perfect. It isn't meant to be. It's not even desirable. I know this. I understand this. I accept this. But the fear is a familiar one and letting it go is scary. I know in my heart that this is the heart of my weight issue and has been since I was a child.
Baby steps? One thing at a time? If I had, and once I find, the answer to this I will have the key..........
Saturday, September 08, 2007
I'm feeling a little more in control this week. We're having a "Biggest Loser" competition at work that I joined. The nurse measured my height and it came to 5'5". I always thought I was 5'8" so I was a bit shocked! It made my body fat % come to 49%........EEK! I still doubt the accuracy of her measuring thingie, though!
I've been having a little trouble staying in my calorie range the past couple of days. I'm going to focus on that.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Wow, I always forget how hectic and stressful the first week is! I haven't tracked much at all this week, and I only exercised Monday and Tuesday. I will improve that next week for sure!
We're starting a Biggest Loser competition at work Tuesday. We'll be putting in $10 each, measuring our weights, body fat %, and some key measurements. The school nurse will keep track of the stats, which makes me nervous for some reason. I don't mind posting all my data here on the web but I'm nervous about people I know having that info! Strange....
I took Peyton to the doctor for her annual check up yesterday. The doctor said she's gained more weight than she would like. She's gained 8 pounds in a year. The average is 3-4. Talk about a wake up call! We've been letting fast food creep into our diet more, and the TV has been on more than it should. We were also advised to cut the juice. The thing is, I know all of this. Just never thought of applying it to Peyton because she's always been so tiny and thin. I most certainly do NOT want her to have to deal with the things I went through all my life because of my weight. A wake up call for all of us!
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