Thursday, August 16, 2007
Monday when we went back to school I was standing in the hallway talking with a group of my friends and fellow teachers. I mentioned that I was going to really work on staying positive this school year. Off the top of my head I said, "I'm going to carry an umbrella of positivity around with me." My principal heard me and has been weaving it into the trainings we're getting. I feel an immense sense of peer pressure to keep positive now!
I have been making a series of really positive, proactive moves food-wise in the past couple of days. Yesterday at the training there were bagels everywhere along with cream cheese, which I love. I wrote myself a note about how bagels had maggots that looked like raisins, garlic bits, etc, and that cream cheese was made of pus. You know, I didn't have a bagel. Today at our training there were boxed lunches provided. I brought a bag of baby carrots and an apple to replace the inevitable chips and cookies. When lunchtime came I hesitated, then offered up my chips and cookies to my friends. I ate the apple and the carrots and I am quite proud of myself.
Could there really be an umbrella of positivity over my head?!?! I like the thought of that. I'm going to go with it!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Hubby and I had too much wine last night (we're both teachers and on vacation) and we felt pretty rough today. We started our day with eggs, hash browns, and toast for breakfast. Then, we had double cheeseburgers with bacon and onion rings for lunch. We planned to order chinese food for dinner. (I know, I know.......NOT a "sparky" day!)
BUT, sometime before dinner I decided to listen to what my body wanted to eat. I've started reading some Geneen Roth books about emotional eating and she says to do that. So I was real still and listened. It wanted a salad with leftover rotisserie chicken breast on it! Go figure! So, I made a salad and as I was eating that (which inspired Hubby to make a salad for himself!) I remembered how Mamasitaof2 got on her treadmill after an unfortunate run-in with some cookies. She posted that on her community journal and I was quite impressed with that! I thought, if she can do it, I can, too! So, I looked across the table at DH and said, "What if I got on the exercise bike after DD goes to bed?!" He looked up all surprised...."I guess you could!" Amazing.....I have been thinking that since I usually exercise in the morning, that's when I exercise....period!
So, since Mamasitaof2 was able to inspire me to do something different, I wanted to post my experience and hopefully be able to help someone else.
Pay it forward!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Last night DH and I were talking about how I'm coping with Mom's death. I said that I think I've been trying to ignore or mask the sadness, just waiting for it to be over. Maybe I just need to FEEL it. Maybe that's the key. I've been phasing out the Zoloft for a couple of weeks due to insurance company red tape and maybe that's why I'm feeling sadder. Maybe I'm feeling sadder because I'm not working, or doing anything for that matter. I'm not exercising, which I know helps with depression or the blues. I'm also PMSing now which does make me moody. At any rate, I think I need to "embrace" my sadness. I have 2 more weeks before I have to start getting up in the morning at a certain time and be somewhere. We'll see if that helps me in any way. In the meantime I believe I'm just going to simply be sad.....
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Wow, I am struggling so much right nw. I know what to do, I just won't do it. I wanted to write "can't" there but I read somewhere years ago that when you say "can't" you really mean "won't". I believe that.
We got the autopsy results for Mom back this week. Turns out she died from heart disease. The artery that takes blood to her heart was 90% blocked. She had no clue. She always said she'd live till she was 95, her heart was strong. How could she have been under a doctor's care for the cancer, neuropathy, colostomy issues, etc and NOT known??!! I don't know why this isn't inspiring me to eat better, get off my butt and exercise, and stop with the wine already. I really don't know. I don't know why it's easier for me to try to stuff the feelings and dull the feelings than it is to feel them. I know the pain doesn't go away. I just feel worse about myself and my apparant lack of self-control. I don't know how to stop feeling bad, or how to just feel bad.....I can't even cry anymore.....it just seems pointless....
Sunday, July 15, 2007
I have always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I have to be more specific.
- Lily Tomlin, actress
Oh. My. God.
Simple yet profound........
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