Tuesday, January 01, 2013
I LOVE a clean slate!!!
My fitness goals for this coming year are:
1. Get to my goal weight!
2. Complete a set of 10 regular push ups. That means on my toes with my chest coming all the way down. There I wrote it!
How I will achieve my goals:
1. I will accept that I am not now, have never been, and will ever be perfect. I will have missteps and bad days. I will, at some point, make a less than ideal choice. When this happens I will see what I can learn, pick myself back up, and move on.
2. Tracking my food in some manner. I may use the WW online tracker, a WW paper tracker, or a tracker I design. The tracking methods may change, but I must track every day.
3. I will focus on eating foods that are as close to the way they are grown as possible. I will make a conscious effort to minimize processed foods from my diet and my house. This will have the sneaky side benefit of helping my family!
4. I will listen to my body's hunger cues. I will not eat past the "satisfied" stage.
5. I will exercise an average of 300 minutes each week. Some weeks are very busy, but I MUST make working out a priority.
6. My workouts will not be only cardio. I love strength training, especially my ChaLEAN Extreme videos, and I must accept that I will have to do those one weekend day and one day after work at the minimum. Once that is easier to manage, I will add an additional day so that I am doing strength training 3 days a week and cardio at least 3, preferably 5. I already stretch daily because of back issues, so I'm covered there.
7. I will engage in a community of like-minded, healthy people who believe that goals can be met and that people can achieve anything they put their minds to doing.
So, that looks like a lot of steps. Fortunately, I am already doing many of them. That's how I lost so much in the first place! All I need to do is use what I know works to get me to the weight I want to be.
I can do it!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
This is the ever-elusive key to lasting success for me in weight loss. I lost weight by beating "perfect" on Nutrisystem. Now, I'm trying to learn how to eat regular food in my calorie range. It's still just as hard now as it was 100+ pounds ago. I think the key might be to just to keep trying and not give up. I'm certainly not going to quit trying. I know where that will get me and I gave away all the clothes that are bigger than size 12. I will NOT buy bigger ones and thankfully I don't need to!
I need to find a way to get back on the healthy eating track after an indulgence and to stop obsessing about a food I've eaten that was unplanned. I need to find out how to do that. I'm open to suggestions!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
One year ago today I weighed 266 pounds. I was desperate. I had joined NS in August 2010 because I had tried everything else and had failed to lose any significant weight. At 250+, you have significant weight to lose. I've weighed as much as 310 twice in my life and had gotten down to 250 or so on Weight Watchers, but never any lower. I joined Nutrisystem because I had never tried it. I lost 30 pounds from August 2010 to sometime in March when I gave up. I quit Nutrisystem. The food was good, it wasn't that, I had not really truly committed to a healthy lifestyle. Oh, I talked a good game, but at night I'd eat extra desserts, or drink my favorite wine, enough so that I'd want a snack or two....or three before bed. My husband once told me as I was eating my third or fourth snack after wine, "At Least you're still eating the food." I told him, "It's not magic food!" I KNEW it wasn't about the food. It was about what I was thinking and feeling and how I was choosing to react to those thoughts and feelings.
By July 10, 2011 I had regained 18 of the 30 pounds I lost and was feeling very low. My size 18-20 pants were getting tight and I had given away the bigger ones when I lost weight. That evening hubby and I were having some wine and talking. I was leafing through a magazine and saw an ad for Medifast. I told him maybe I'd try that. I didn't care how I got the weight off anymore and I'd worry about keeping it off later. I started texting a friend who I knew was doing Medifast. At some point he brought up Mutrisystem. He reminded me that I liked the food and had said the plan was easy to follow. That was true. I really didn't have to think much about it, just checked off the boxes in the planner. Then he told me how sad it made him to see me give up on myself. Those words cut through my inner BS.
I decided to start Nutrisystem again the next day since I still had food. This time I would actually follow the program 100%. I realized that wine was standing in my way so I decided to give it up, at least until I got to goal. The date was July 11, 2011. I weighed 266 pounds.
I followed the plan 100% through my daughter's birthday, my birthday, our wedding anniversary, my husband's birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day was, surprisingly, the most difficult holiday. About that time I started feeling resentful, even though it was around then that I got under 200 pounds for the first time since 5th or 6th grade. After being 100% since July I started having some slips in March or April. I was losing my identity as "the fat girl" and if I wasn't the fat girl who was I?
I worked through those feelings. I realized I'm still me, just different in some ways but not in all ways. I'm still kind, funny, a good friend, a great listener, etc. I also am now someone who enjoys, for the most part, exercise. I did not regain any weight during this time.
By the end of the school year, a difficult time for teachers, I was back to NS but having a hard time regaining the 100% streaks that had been easy for me before. I kept doing the best I could, moving forward when I'd choose to have something not on plan and not berating myself for weakness and failure. I wasn't weak and I hadn't failed if I chose to eat something off plan. My food choices do not determine my worth as a person. They determine my overall health and my weight, but NOT my worth. I never got that before. That's the key. That's the magic.
On June 1 I weighed 190.9. Today I weigh 179.4. I am currently on a 20+ day streak of 100% plan adherence. I have not had any alcohol since July 10, 2011. I don't know when it will be worth it for me to have a glass of wine. It may never be. I made it through every holiday without it, so why bother? I tend towards all or nothing thinking so one glass leaves me wanting more, like one cookie leaves me wanting more. Better for me to abstain from some things.
The last year has not been easy. At times it has been extremely difficult. The results of the last year have been so worth it I can't even find the words to express it. I am now wearing size 10 or 12 pants and a medium shirt. I wear a size 11 shoe instead of a 12. I am confident that I have learned a method to maintain the weight once I reach my goal. I'm confident that I will reach my goal.
If anyone has read this far and is thinking they can't ever lose weight and learn how to keep it off I want to tell you that you can. If I can, you can. I'm no stronger than anyone else. I just made a decision to commit and I took it one day, one moment, one bite at a time. When I made a choice to eat outside my plan, I moved forward. I learned new scripts to play in my head to help nurture myself instead of tearing myself down. It's not at all easy. But it so very worth it!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Yesterday I logged 90 minutes of exercise! Now, I may have actually gotten more in a day at some point, but this is different. It's different because I've started to WANT to do it.
DD swims on Tuesdays. I'm usually the one that takes her and waits around in the tiny parent area that is too small and crowded to even walk in place. They also expect parents to stay there and not leave (DUH!) so I can't even go walk the parking lot. Yesterday while I was on the way to pick up DD, DH texted that he was home. I called and asked him of he would take her to swimming so I could exercise. He hesitated, said he was planning to finish an assignment for work but then said that it was more important that I get my workout in.
Now, isn't he sweet! Truly! I brought DD home, changed, and did the 20 minute Turbo Jam workout, 50 minutes of Walk It Out, and 20 minutes of Pilates. So, my 90 minute workout was nearly 90 consecutive minutes, not bits added in like any previous 90 minute days.
I have started to get annoyed if it looks like I won't get a workout in. I don't know who I've become, but I like her! I've lost so much weight that sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself, who I am. Turns out I'm the girl who gets antsy when she can't get her workout in! Who knew?!?!!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
I am seriously thinking of switching my food plan to Weight Watchers instead of Nutrisystem. I've been thinking about this for a while. I have no idea why as I was NEVER this successful with WW before. I am losing so well with NS, having no problems following the program, know how to flex and eat my own foods instead of theirs (I haven't don'e it, but I know how to). I have at least 10 sets of WW program materials and never got below 222 and that was when the WW program was an exchange program like Nutrisystem. I have not weighed this, 194, since late elementary school. So I've examined this urge to switch.
I am scared. Scared to death. Scared I WILL reach my goal weight. Why is the next question.
My whole life I've been the fat girl. It kept me from things. I allowed my weight and my status as the fat girl to do that. It was a way to keep me from having to take risks. Not many men wanted to date me, so the risk of heartache was limited (I really believed that at the time. I later discovered that the men I was attracting for other reasons were more likely to cause heartache, but that's another blog!). I loved to sing, and was good enough to be invited to perform in a national young adult group. I allowed myself to believe that they wouldn't want a fat girl and didn't follow through. I didn't get parts I wanted in plays and musicals and I told myself it was because I was fat. I never considered that I didn't get the part because someone else was more experienced and simply better than I was at that time. If I take away "fat girl" as a reason, it has to be me.
I didn't want it to be me. I had a horrible childhood and heard the entire time about how terribly awful I was, how I didn't deserve anything good, how I just wasn't as good as ________ (insert name of someone else in the family here). I thought I had worked through a lot of that. I know my mom was powerless over her family, she did the best she could with the tools and resources she had (which were limited), and I really do believe that. The rest of the family had issues that were not ME. I was simply an easy acceptable choice to blame since my mother was unable/unwilling to speak up or act in my defense. She wanted them to love and accept her, too. They were not a a loving bunch. We are all "broken" in some way as a result of being in that environment.
They are gone now. I am an adult. I am successful. They were wrong. Their actions and words were about them, not me. If I was broken as a result of others' words and actions it is now my responsibility to fix myself. I am a kind, loving person. I have a wonderful life. I am happy. I have a wonderful husband who has always seen beauty in my soul, sometimes when I didn't know it was there. I am a good mother. Our daughter is strong and kind and funny and accepting of all others and expects others to accept her JUST AS SHE IS and if they don't she learns it the first time and moves on without being unkind. I know a lot of that is simply who she is but we have nurtured those inherent traits.
So why is the fear of success still there? I am in new territory. If I'm not the "fat girl" who am I? And how do I find out? I love the changes in myself. Is the urge to quit a program I know will get me to goal simply like the occasional urge to eat a whole bag of chips? I still have those kinds of thoughts/feelings/urges. I acknowledge them and move on. The desire to do WW instead of NS is because I know I can work in some foods I don't eat now. I also know I can't have "just a little" of those foods so I know I will not make any further progress if I consume them. That's how I know the thought of switching is based in fear of achieving my goal. Is it like an alcoholic who thinks about drinking and doesn't anyway? Is that just where I need to get in my head? I've told myself I'm not allowed to make any changes to my food plan before April. That got me through February. Do I just need to keep moving the date? Is this thought process simply my new reality?
I do NOT want to go back to where I was and I know this urge is my mind trying to get me back to what was known, since unknown is scary. Do I just acknowledge the feelings and move on, doing what I know is the healthy thing to do?
Has anyone else ever felt like this?
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