Sunday, February 12, 2012
My weight today is 199!
For some that might be an outrageously high number, a wake up call. For me, it is the best number I have seen yet!
I don't remember exactly when I last weighed under 200 pounds, but I know I was in elementary school, 4th or 5th grade probably. I will dig out my old report cards at some point and see. They used to weigh us each grading period and it was written on the back of the card. I remember my mom had written fictitious, lower weights over the ones more than 200. My grades were always fabulous and I can only imagine the combination of pride over that and the desire to share my academic success with family and co-workers mixed with the shame my weight must have caused her. The fear the person looking at my report card would turn it over and see the shameful numbers on the back. I wonder, did she look at any of that as HER shame....or was it mine alone? I certainly have felt ashamed of my weight most of my life.
I'm glad I'm coming to terms with that now. I have told more people my actual weight, only close friends, and only when it's relevant.
I've gotten no shameful looks or remarks as I approached 199, only people who are amazed that I have com from over 300 to where I am now. I no longer feel shame over my weight, or over any part of me.
Today, I am PROUD!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I had a stressful day at work Thursday. I wanted to eat, it didn't matter what, and I knew I would buy a bottle of wine on the way home if I hadn't committed to staying 100% on my plan. It's been 6 months since I was off plan in any way. Those 6 months have not been easy. My results are worth it to me. So, I wondered what I was going to do to relieve the stress.
First I cried in the bathroom. That's not a new strategy. I'm a crier, always have been. Then I texted my husband and we "chatted" about it via text. That helped. I talked to co-workers. By the end of the day I felt a little better and just went home. I ate a healthy dinner, watched some TV with the family, and went to bed early.
The next day was better. I knew it wouldn't have been better if I had given in and eaten something or consumed some wine. It would have been another bad day, filled with regrets and anger at myself. Instead, because I tried something different, it was a regular better day. I was proud of myself!
The lesson? Stress will come. It will stay for a while. Then it will go. I can't control that. What I CAN control are MY ACTIONS. For the first time, I did that. And it felt great!
Sunday, January 01, 2012
I am filled with hope and brimming with confidence this January 1. I know I will achieve my weightloss goal in 2012.
This time last year I weighed 259 pounds. I quit Nutrisystem around March and my weight climbed to 278. July 11 I decided to commit myself 100% to the Nutrisystem program, eating ALL the foods, including the add ins, and I quit drinking because that was an area I always kept in my weight loss efforts but I knew was hindering my progress. Yesterday I weighed 213, up from 210 due to cyclical changes in my body. I know the extra 3 pounds will come off in a few days.
I love the optimism I feel, the way I just KNOW I can accomplish anything I set my mind to! What a great year this will be!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
This morning I weighed in at 212 pounds. It's a milestone of sorts for me. I've struggled with my weight since I was about 5. I remember walking in my tiny hometown one day with my mother. I had gotten on the scale that morning. As we walked we were evidently talking about my weight. I told her I weighed 212 that morning. Her face crumpled a little and she said, "Oh, Emily. You have got to do something about your weight!" I was 11 or 12 years old.
I remember being overwhelmed and thinking that I didn't have the slightest idea what to do. I remember feeling sad that I didn't get whatever I was looking for in my admission. I remember deciding I would never tell anyone what I weighed again. I remember feeling intense shame. I remember feeling betrayed that I had come to my mother for some sort of help, and I didn't get it. I got my problem thrown right back at me, and if I had known how to solve it I sure would have. But I was 11 or 12 years old.
Today, I am 49. I know what to do. I know now why I ate and ate as a child, a teen, and an adult. I know why I built my wall. I know today that my mother didn't have the answers any more than I did. We were both muddling through the best way we knew how. I'm sure she wanted to fix it for me many times. She was doing the best she knew how to do. She was as overwhelmed as I was.
I no longer choose to hide. My weight does not define me. I once weighed 310 pounds. Today I weigh the lowest number I remember reporting. I am the same person at both weights. I feel more powerful today, of course. I am no longer ashamed of any aspect of myself. I am choosing a healthy life. I control what I buy and what I eat. When I have a feeling, good or bad, I feel it. I don't try to stuff it down. The feeling will not respond to food. I cannot eat it away.
My mother passed away 5 years ago this month. If I told her my number today I know the reaction would be different. She didn't understand what food meant to me. She didn't understand the depths of the feelings I was trying to manage. She couldn't understand that....she didn't have those issues. They are mine. No one could fix it for me.
I've learned that no one can solve your problems for you. At the end of the day, they are your responsibility alone. Others can want to help, give you tools, offer you advice, but the actual decisions are made by you yourself. There's no magic to the success I'm experiencing this time around. It's just me doing what I know I need to do. I am experiencing success and I like that feeling more than the feeling of stuffing myself. My thinking has changed, and that, for me, is what makes the difference this time.
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