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Cyclical Gains

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

At this point I've hit 199 but have popped back up to 203 as of this morning. I know in my head it's cyclical, I know I'm in deficit each day so the weight will eventually come off. This has happened every month and I know it goes away and takes a few more pounds with it.

It's difficult to keep calm about it this month because it's back over 200. I was so excited to be under that number. I know I will be again, it's just difficult. I didn't have any chocolate or wine on Valentine's Day and there are at least 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in my pantry that I have not even smelled, much less eaten. I'm proud of the fact that I've showed I am stronger than wine, or chocolate, or cookies but there is a tiny voice inside that keeps saying, "Why bother? You were strong and it didn't matter. You might as well eat!" I won't, but talking about that voice takes away its power.

I have made great choices. I'm proud of that. My weight is just a number. It doesn't always reflect what I'm doing.

My head knows that. Now if I could convince my heart and soul!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BROOKRIVERS 3/4/2012 10:16AM

    You say it so well! I know EXACTLY what you're talking about and I love how you put it -- and how "talking about that voice takes away its power."

Congrats for making great choices, staying on your plan, and knowing that this time your head is right!

Great stuff!!!!

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Comment edited on: 3/4/2012 10:17:28 AM

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TONEDTORI 2/23/2012 1:27AM

    I feel for you & you keep telling yourself that it is not worth giving into "the voice". You're right , it is only a number. Walk away being proud of yourself that helps me plus, I tell myself that eating will not solve the problem. emoticon

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MICHIGANLORI 2/22/2012 7:19AM

    Hang in there. Those pounds will come off as fast as they arrived (plus more). Girl scout cookies...not a good thing to have in the house. I love frozen thin mints.

Thanks for the goodie. My knee is doing better so I'm hoping to get back to my normal workout schedule soon.

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199

Sunday, February 12, 2012

My weight today is 199!

For some that might be an outrageously high number, a wake up call. For me, it is the best number I have seen yet!

I don't remember exactly when I last weighed under 200 pounds, but I know I was in elementary school, 4th or 5th grade probably. I will dig out my old report cards at some point and see. They used to weigh us each grading period and it was written on the back of the card. I remember my mom had written fictitious, lower weights over the ones more than 200. My grades were always fabulous and I can only imagine the combination of pride over that and the desire to share my academic success with family and co-workers mixed with the shame my weight must have caused her. The fear the person looking at my report card would turn it over and see the shameful numbers on the back. I wonder, did she look at any of that as HER shame....or was it mine alone? I certainly have felt ashamed of my weight most of my life.

I'm glad I'm coming to terms with that now. I have told more people my actual weight, only close friends, and only when it's relevant.

I've gotten no shameful looks or remarks as I approached 199, only people who are amazed that I have com from over 300 to where I am now. I no longer feel shame over my weight, or over any part of me.

Today, I am PROUD!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNYMINI2011 2/12/2012 10:36AM

    Never compare yourself to others. Desiderado

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NCSUE0514 2/12/2012 10:09AM

    Great work - and don't belittle your accomplishment. There's nothing little about being littler!!!

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MICHIGANLORI 2/12/2012 10:01AM

    You should be PROUD. Welcome to the 100s!!!!!!!!!

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ANAANA7 2/12/2012 9:50AM

    What a truly great accomplishment. You are an inspiration to me. I am so looking forward to seeing the other side of 200! I guess only those of us who have lived in the obese zone really know how great 199 looks and feels. Way to go.

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SUSANK16 2/12/2012 9:47AM

  Congratulations. I hope you will focus on your success for you and let go of other's thoughts. I realize that this can be difficult to do but it can be done. You have accomplished something for yourself, burn the old report cards, fovgive your mother, and walk with your head high. Congratulations you deserve to feel proud of yourself no matter what size you are.

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Handling Stress Without Eating

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I had a stressful day at work Thursday. I wanted to eat, it didn't matter what, and I knew I would buy a bottle of wine on the way home if I hadn't committed to staying 100% on my plan. It's been 6 months since I was off plan in any way. Those 6 months have not been easy. My results are worth it to me. So, I wondered what I was going to do to relieve the stress.

First I cried in the bathroom. That's not a new strategy. I'm a crier, always have been. Then I texted my husband and we "chatted" about it via text. That helped. I talked to co-workers. By the end of the day I felt a little better and just went home. I ate a healthy dinner, watched some TV with the family, and went to bed early.

The next day was better. I knew it wouldn't have been better if I had given in and eaten something or consumed some wine. It would have been another bad day, filled with regrets and anger at myself. Instead, because I tried something different, it was a regular better day. I was proud of myself!

The lesson? Stress will come. It will stay for a while. Then it will go. I can't control that. What I CAN control are MY ACTIONS. For the first time, I did that. And it felt great!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KLWALDON 1/23/2012 1:51PM

    I can SO relate to this! If I didn't know better, I would have thought that I wrote this in my sleep! I am so proud of your for overcoming that urge. I know how strong that urge can be and I think it is awesome that you beat it! Congratulations :)

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ELIZRN 1/22/2012 2:17PM

  These are our lessons....the better you get at managing these moments, the less they will bother you. All emotional states are like that. Look around at your usual stress builders & see how many you can counter at the pass. You might be surprised....elizRN

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PIANOMEG29 1/22/2012 9:24AM

    Good for you!! Wonderful perspective!

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MICHIGANLORI 1/22/2012 9:08AM

    Great job on getting through it. It's hard but you did it.

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GOROSIEO 1/22/2012 8:58AM

    Nice!

The power we give food. It's amazing. I'm so glad you found alternatives that worked.

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Happy New Year!

Sunday, January 01, 2012

I am filled with hope and brimming with confidence this January 1. I know I will achieve my weightloss goal in 2012.

This time last year I weighed 259 pounds. I quit Nutrisystem around March and my weight climbed to 278. July 11 I decided to commit myself 100% to the Nutrisystem program, eating ALL the foods, including the add ins, and I quit drinking because that was an area I always kept in my weight loss efforts but I knew was hindering my progress. Yesterday I weighed 213, up from 210 due to cyclical changes in my body. I know the extra 3 pounds will come off in a few days.

I love the optimism I feel, the way I just KNOW I can accomplish anything I set my mind to! What a great year this will be!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROXYZMOM 1/15/2012 7:11PM

    Happy New Year! I use Nutrisystem too. I have lost 24 pounds since October.

It is a great feeling, isn't it??

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A Milestone For Me

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

This morning I weighed in at 212 pounds. It's a milestone of sorts for me. I've struggled with my weight since I was about 5. I remember walking in my tiny hometown one day with my mother. I had gotten on the scale that morning. As we walked we were evidently talking about my weight. I told her I weighed 212 that morning. Her face crumpled a little and she said, "Oh, Emily. You have got to do something about your weight!" I was 11 or 12 years old.

I remember being overwhelmed and thinking that I didn't have the slightest idea what to do. I remember feeling sad that I didn't get whatever I was looking for in my admission. I remember deciding I would never tell anyone what I weighed again. I remember feeling intense shame. I remember feeling betrayed that I had come to my mother for some sort of help, and I didn't get it. I got my problem thrown right back at me, and if I had known how to solve it I sure would have. But I was 11 or 12 years old.

Today, I am 49. I know what to do. I know now why I ate and ate as a child, a teen, and an adult. I know why I built my wall. I know today that my mother didn't have the answers any more than I did. We were both muddling through the best way we knew how. I'm sure she wanted to fix it for me many times. She was doing the best she knew how to do. She was as overwhelmed as I was.

I no longer choose to hide. My weight does not define me. I once weighed 310 pounds. Today I weigh the lowest number I remember reporting. I am the same person at both weights. I feel more powerful today, of course. I am no longer ashamed of any aspect of myself. I am choosing a healthy life. I control what I buy and what I eat. When I have a feeling, good or bad, I feel it. I don't try to stuff it down. The feeling will not respond to food. I cannot eat it away.

My mother passed away 5 years ago this month. If I told her my number today I know the reaction would be different. She didn't understand what food meant to me. She didn't understand the depths of the feelings I was trying to manage. She couldn't understand that....she didn't have those issues. They are mine. No one could fix it for me.

I've learned that no one can solve your problems for you. At the end of the day, they are your responsibility alone. Others can want to help, give you tools, offer you advice, but the actual decisions are made by you yourself. There's no magic to the success I'm experiencing this time around. It's just me doing what I know I need to do. I am experiencing success and I like that feeling more than the feeling of stuffing myself. My thinking has changed, and that, for me, is what makes the difference this time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SYDMUS 1/21/2012 11:00PM

    I have enjoyed reading your blogs! Actions do have consequences but I also try to outsmart the system on occasion and am dismayed when I don't. LOL!

Your Milestone blog is full of wonderful words of wisdom. You are achieving great success and should be very proud of yourself! Keep up the awesome progress! emoticon emoticon

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MOM4407 12/21/2011 9:50AM

    What powerful words.
You now have the power to change that little 12 year old girl.
I so understand how we cried out for help but got none.
You are a stronger person now and you have changed.

Rejoice you can proudly say the number 212.
I can not wait to hear you say your are in the land of 199.

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