Sunday, January 01, 2012
I am filled with hope and brimming with confidence this January 1. I know I will achieve my weightloss goal in 2012.
This time last year I weighed 259 pounds. I quit Nutrisystem around March and my weight climbed to 278. July 11 I decided to commit myself 100% to the Nutrisystem program, eating ALL the foods, including the add ins, and I quit drinking because that was an area I always kept in my weight loss efforts but I knew was hindering my progress. Yesterday I weighed 213, up from 210 due to cyclical changes in my body. I know the extra 3 pounds will come off in a few days.
I love the optimism I feel, the way I just KNOW I can accomplish anything I set my mind to! What a great year this will be!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
This morning I weighed in at 212 pounds. It's a milestone of sorts for me. I've struggled with my weight since I was about 5. I remember walking in my tiny hometown one day with my mother. I had gotten on the scale that morning. As we walked we were evidently talking about my weight. I told her I weighed 212 that morning. Her face crumpled a little and she said, "Oh, Emily. You have got to do something about your weight!" I was 11 or 12 years old.
I remember being overwhelmed and thinking that I didn't have the slightest idea what to do. I remember feeling sad that I didn't get whatever I was looking for in my admission. I remember deciding I would never tell anyone what I weighed again. I remember feeling intense shame. I remember feeling betrayed that I had come to my mother for some sort of help, and I didn't get it. I got my problem thrown right back at me, and if I had known how to solve it I sure would have. But I was 11 or 12 years old.
Today, I am 49. I know what to do. I know now why I ate and ate as a child, a teen, and an adult. I know why I built my wall. I know today that my mother didn't have the answers any more than I did. We were both muddling through the best way we knew how. I'm sure she wanted to fix it for me many times. She was doing the best she knew how to do. She was as overwhelmed as I was.
I no longer choose to hide. My weight does not define me. I once weighed 310 pounds. Today I weigh the lowest number I remember reporting. I am the same person at both weights. I feel more powerful today, of course. I am no longer ashamed of any aspect of myself. I am choosing a healthy life. I control what I buy and what I eat. When I have a feeling, good or bad, I feel it. I don't try to stuff it down. The feeling will not respond to food. I cannot eat it away.
My mother passed away 5 years ago this month. If I told her my number today I know the reaction would be different. She didn't understand what food meant to me. She didn't understand the depths of the feelings I was trying to manage. She couldn't understand that....she didn't have those issues. They are mine. No one could fix it for me.
I've learned that no one can solve your problems for you. At the end of the day, they are your responsibility alone. Others can want to help, give you tools, offer you advice, but the actual decisions are made by you yourself. There's no magic to the success I'm experiencing this time around. It's just me doing what I know I need to do. I am experiencing success and I like that feeling more than the feeling of stuffing myself. My thinking has changed, and that, for me, is what makes the difference this time.
Friday, July 30, 2010
So, ignoring the tracker, daily happy hours with friends, and eating what I want when I want produces a weight gain. I KNOW this, but from time to time I try it out. Somehow I'm always disappointed that the gain occurs. Why? I'm smart, I understand the concept of cause/effect. I guess the child in me is trying to "get away with" something.
I will track everything for seven days. When I do this I will reward myself with something, maybe a new phone skin, I'm not sure yet. But I will track everything for seven days.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
We went to see the Houston Astros play a game this afternoon. We had great seats and a good friend came along. I decided to have the nachos around inning 4. They were G-O-O-D!!! They had beef brisket on them, guacamole, sour cream, the whole shebang. I enjoyed them.
After I came home I entered them into the nutrition tracker as best as I could, overestimating amounts to try to be accurate. Over 1200 calories in those nachos! OMG!!!
I am full. I am barely under the top of my calorie range. I am far too tired to exercise right now, but I will try to at least get on the exercise bike for a while later. I will also not eat until I am actually hungry again, which I am guessing will be tomorrow morning when I get up. In the meantime, I will plan my meals for tomorrow as well as plan a workout. I am not derailed!
Oh, the Astros won!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I was reading through a weight loss success story last night and the person featured had decided to get healthy by their 50th birthday. As I fell asleep I realized I will be 50 in a little over 2 years. I could likely reach my weight loss goal, once and for all, by that time if I committed.
I've written about commitment before. I am happily married, successful at my job, a good friend, and a hands-on, present parent. I have ALWAYS had a difficult time committing to myself. Stems from a crappy childhood, abandonment, feelings that I was unlovable, etc, but I've realized for many years that while my childhood was not my responsibility, my adulthood is. My neglectful, critical, cruel family was wrong. I've struggled with the "now what?"
This morning, I logged into SP and used the future date weight loss calculator to see just how far I can get by 50 if I lose, say 1 pound a week. The stunning result.....153. I do not recall weighing 153. If I lose .75 pound a week, I can be at 181. I don't recall being that weight, either. Even if I lose .5 pound a week I'll be at 210 by my 50th. I was 12 the last time I was 210.
So, I feel a tiny seed of commitment just may have been sown. By October 2, 2012, I can have my outside match my inside. It's truly possible. I just need to nurture it.
What if I CAN?????????
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