Monday, June 16, 2014
I have struggled with bingeing for as long as I can recall. The first time I remember bingeing I was about 8 years old. I was left alone for long hours while my mom, a single parent, worked. I was very, very lonely. I remember finding a crock of some sort of processed cheese powder/paste and taking a spoon of it. Then another. And another. Soon, the crock was empty. When my mom came home and discovered what I had done she was disappointed. At least that's the emotion my 8 year old self could name.
Many many times I've bought a large bag of some candy (peanut M&Ms come to mind) and begin eating them in the car as I was driving. By the time I got home the bag would be empty. Less than a year ago I remember buying a dozen cookies from Sam's, bringing them home, and eating them one by one in rapid succession, then hiding the empty container in the bottom of the trash. I felt like a drug addict. In that moment I recognized again that I have a problem.
The feeling of fullness used to give me comfort. Maybe it kept me from feeling small and powerless as a child, I don't know. I HATE that feeling now. It makes me feel small and powerless. Not small in size, but in esteem. I'm worth more than furtive food. I deserve to honor my body by feeding it properly, mindfully, and with dignity
The only way I know of to stop is to stop. So, for 100 days, I will eat with dignity. That doesn't mean no cookies. It does mean no dozen cookies eaten quickly, alone, then hidden. No one can do it for me. This is mine to handle.
I can do it! One day at a time for 100 days.
That is my pledge to myself.
Monday, June 02, 2014
I woke up yesterday with a renewed sense of "I can do this!" I made a plan, and had high hopes and expectations.
Then, I had wine. Then snacks. I decided I didn't care. Of course, I do care.
I can either keep doing what I'm doing or make some changes. That is always the situation we are all in. If we like the results of our actions we can keep repeating those actions. If we don't we can change our actions. My actions have definitely been producing some consequences I do not enjoy. I can keep not enjoying these results, or I can change my actions. Today, I choose change.
Here are my goals for the month:
1. No bingeing. Eat with dignity.
2. Exercise 20+ minutes each day.
3. Track my food, on paper or online, but somewhere besides in my head.
4. Reflect at the end of the day to acknowledge success and analyze errors.
My plan is to get some colored star stickers and assign each goal a color. When I meet a goal for the day I will put the appropriate color star sticker on the calendar where I record my exercise. I can see areas of strength quickly that way and, who doesn't like stickers, right?!
I decided to go in to school tomorrow to clean my room. I need a break today. DH is taking the day off tomorrow so we can take a car into the dealer for maintenance and said he'll help me at school (he is in education but no longer in the classroom) so I can get it done in one day. Then I don't have to go in until August. I'm relaxing today, doing not much of anything. I will do the Pilates stretches I do every day then maybe take a short walk. Or get on the bike. Something. I also have appointments to make and reschedule so that's some phone stuff for later this morning.
But, just for today, I choose change.
Sunday, May 04, 2014
I am happy to be on the Azure Destinations team this round of the BLC. Here are my goals for this challenge:
I will lose 20 pounds by the end of the challenge. I will do this by:
*tracking what I eat
*keeping to my food plan, which at this moment is Weight Watchers, incorporating a fair amount of Nutrisystem food. I did Nutrisystem exclusively for a long time but I want more than 1 piece of fruit a day. I don't think fruit is evil. When I weighed around 300 pounds it wasn't because I ate too much fruit!
*I will exercise a minimum of 1000 minutes in May, increasing if my knee and back say it's ok!
*I will connect with my team and others on Spark by participating in discussion threads, commenting on blogs and Spark pages, and sending goodies. I will support others because aside form helping them, it also helps me keep my choices in the forefront of my mind.
*when I stumble....and I will, because we all do eventually....I will get back on track immediately, see what I can learn from the stumble, and move forward.
My favorite quote is "If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results." It is by Jack Dixon. I have found this to be true in so many areas of life. We want ______ but we don't identify the steps we need to follow to get there OR we identify them, but don't actually take those steps. I plan to take these steps. I have not come this far to allow my behaviors to lead me back to nearly 300 pounds. I will get back to where I was before my gains, and then move closer to my ultimate weight goal, whatever that is. I'll decide when I get closer.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
So, today is New Year's Eve. Wow, 2013 went fast! It's been a pretty good year for me overall. Family is happy and healthy, job is going well, and I've learned some things about myself.
Weight.....ah, the weight I've battled since I was 5. That has been an adventure indeed. I just reviewed the calendar I use to keep track of my weight and exercise minutes. I weigh 16 pounds more than I did last New Year's Eve. Most of the year I've hovered around that Dec 31, 2012 weight, until about September, when it started to climb.
What I've learned is not about the numbers on the scale. I spent most of 2013 trying to "get away with" eating more food than I need. I ate "off program" frequently. WHEEE!!!! Like a little kid doing something their parents don't know about. That's exactly the feeling. That's why the secret eating I realized I do is so fun at the time. I'm getting away with something. I'm off plan.
In the past couple of weeks I looked at what it is, exactly, I am actually getting away with by going off plan. Couldn't find a thing except the joy of breaking the rules. I've gotten away from the clothes in my closet, that's for sure. They do not fit, and if they do, they don't fit the way I want them to.
Mostly I'm a rule follower, so breaking rules is a heady thing. At least it used to be. I've never broken serious rules. Never robbed any person place, never harmed anything, at least not intentionally or enough to recall. I don't break rules that will hurt someone else, just ones that will hurt me, apparently.
Hmmm I deserve to be safe from harm from myself, too!
I've realized it doesn't matter which program I'm on, or even if I'm on a program. It's just food and it all counts whether I track it or not or eat it in front of people or not. If I eat it, it counts! For most people that's not a new thing, and it's not like I didn't know that fact myself. Knowing something is a fact is one thing. GETTING it is another. Follow a plan, don't follow a plan...it really is irrelevant. Your body just takes in the food you give it and does what it does. The results are just data.
I feel like I get it now. And, I believe I will achieve my goal of getting to a weight at which I feel good in every way.
Happy New Year!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Thanksgiving is speeding towards us! I have nothing ready but the menu is pretty much set in stone by my daughter so that will be easy!
Turkey: simply cannot go without that! Simply roasted with garlic, lemon, and rosemary.
Stuffing: I've made all types, mostly from scratch, but she likes Stovetop best. Seriously! To keep it simple I just may use Stovetop this year. In the past I've made polenta and flavored it so it tastes like cornbread stuffing, which is my favorite. I might do that for me but the Stovetop needs to be there for her.
Green Beans: No, not the casserole! Just green beans. Sometimes I do then with almonds sauteed in butter but DH prefers olive oil and garlic on his. We like garlic so that's what we'll likely go with.
Mashed Potatoes: I do them with sauteed mushrooms, chives, sour cream, and garlic. YUM!
Cranberry relish: I make a red wine orange cranberry marmalade that is phenomenal! My mouth just watered thinking about it!
Pumpkin pie: MUCH cheaper to buy already made, and Sam's club makes a great one. However, this year DD has requested one made from actual pumpkins. Seriously! So, we will make it from scratch this year.
After the meal we always go for a walk. That way we earn our leftovers!
Yes, much of our holiday is determined by DD. That's okay. Our kids are with us such a short time! DH is from another country and has no prior experience with Thanksgiving and my own childhood memories of any holiday are unpleasant at best so I'm fine with creating traditions she can carry with her.
Guess I should get started on that pumpkin puree.......
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