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100 Days of Eating With Dignity

Monday, June 16, 2014

I have struggled with bingeing for as long as I can recall. The first time I remember bingeing I was about 8 years old. I was left alone for long hours while my mom, a single parent, worked. I was very, very lonely. I remember finding a crock of some sort of processed cheese powder/paste and taking a spoon of it. Then another. And another. Soon, the crock was empty. When my mom came home and discovered what I had done she was disappointed. At least that's the emotion my 8 year old self could name.

Many many times I've bought a large bag of some candy (peanut M&Ms come to mind) and begin eating them in the car as I was driving. By the time I got home the bag would be empty. Less than a year ago I remember buying a dozen cookies from Sam's, bringing them home, and eating them one by one in rapid succession, then hiding the empty container in the bottom of the trash. I felt like a drug addict. In that moment I recognized again that I have a problem.

The feeling of fullness used to give me comfort. Maybe it kept me from feeling small and powerless as a child, I don't know. I HATE that feeling now. It makes me feel small and powerless. Not small in size, but in esteem. I'm worth more than furtive food. I deserve to honor my body by feeding it properly, mindfully, and with dignity

The only way I know of to stop is to stop. So, for 100 days, I will eat with dignity. That doesn't mean no cookies. It does mean no dozen cookies eaten quickly, alone, then hidden. No one can do it for me. This is mine to handle.

I can do it! One day at a time for 100 days.

That is my pledge to myself.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNINGME 6/18/2014 1:36AM

    You captured something powerful with your phrase eating with dignity. We all deserve that dignity. Thanks. emoticon

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CIPHER1971 6/17/2014 3:53PM

    One day at a time!!!! YOU WILL ROCK THIS.

Have a great day

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STEPBYSTEP1955 6/17/2014 2:28PM

    emoticon blog! You know what you need to do and have taken the first step towards helping yourself. You have set yourself a great challenge. You can do it! If at anytime looking at the overall 100 days seems overwhelming, you can always break it down into smaller chunks 20, 10, 5 etc.
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SENTERSTOCK 6/17/2014 12:24PM

    You hit that nail hard! Now hit it again and again! I have binged, and felt the emotions - let's work on this...we got this!!

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To eating with Dignity! emoticon
Lenore

Comment edited on: 6/17/2014 12:25:36 PM

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 6/17/2014 11:52AM

    This is a very powerful blog. Take it out and read it anytime you want to binge. I have some of the same problems with food. For me I've found that there are 2 times a day when this behavior is most prevalent; when I first get home from work and late at night when I can't sleep.

You deserve to be treated with love and dignity. So proud of you for deciding to treat yourself this way. Good luck with your 100 day challenge.

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FLUTTER-BY)L( 6/17/2014 8:45AM

    Love the language. Eating with dignity. That is such a positive feeling. You will have such an attitude change I think. Be strong!

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LEXIE63 6/17/2014 4:32AM

    A terrific challenge, and one that I'm sure you can complete. I'm sure you have been reading up on ways to control your eating, but I will just mention the measuring out portions and putting the rest of the item away out of sight. It does seem to help.
Hugs,
Lex xxx
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MNABOY 6/17/2014 12:36AM

    claim this goal and you will accomplish your goal.

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SUSANELAINE1956 6/16/2014 10:22PM

    I have also been a binge eater so I know how all that you describe feels. Here's hoping this challenge is a success for you! emoticon

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SUEARNOLD1 6/16/2014 9:53PM

    emoticon

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CETANISTAWI 6/16/2014 9:00PM

    emoticon
I spent hours alone like that, too. Mine was peanut butter with Hershey's syrup poured over it, bowls full.
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STEVEN_D 6/16/2014 8:57PM

    Good luck on your 100 day journey!

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WORKNPROGRESS49 6/16/2014 8:51PM

    emoticon I can certainly relate to your blog!! You taken the first step and putting it in writing is a great start.
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EMSSBEARS 6/16/2014 8:42PM

    I love it. emoticon I am proud of you. You know exactly what you want and what you need to do to accomplish it. I am here to support you for the next 100 days and beyond.

Beth



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144AUTUMN 6/16/2014 8:36PM

  Keep up the good work!!

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PATSYB7 6/16/2014 8:36PM

    emoticon emoticon
I have been there, too.
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One day at a time.
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Comment edited on: 6/16/2014 8:36:39 PM

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2014THISISIT 6/16/2014 8:29PM

    I can totally relate! Just this afternoon I did that in my car with a 'share' size bag of M&M's then got home and buried the bag in the trash, ugh! :( Thank you for sharing... I think I will borrow your wonderful '100 day' idea to treat my body with a little love & my esteem with a little respect! Best of luck to you! :)

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JAIZWAYS 6/16/2014 8:21PM

    Great blog. I am right there with you Emily. You put it so well. I have pledged to be binge free for 100 days and I totally relate to your behaviours. I do exactly the same. It is the one thing that is holding me back. This challenge is going to help us to learn to have those treats in small quantities so that I can have 2 squares of chocolate but not the whole bar. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/16/2014 8:21:32 PM

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HOTPINKCAMARO49 6/16/2014 8:19PM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VICKITS 6/16/2014 8:09PM

    Good for you, congrats!!

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Today, I Choose Change

Monday, June 02, 2014

I woke up yesterday with a renewed sense of "I can do this!" I made a plan, and had high hopes and expectations.

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Then, I had wine. Then snacks. I decided I didn't care. Of course, I do care.

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I can either keep doing what I'm doing or make some changes. That is always the situation we are all in. If we like the results of our actions we can keep repeating those actions. If we don't we can change our actions. My actions have definitely been producing some consequences I do not enjoy. I can keep not enjoying these results, or I can change my actions. Today, I choose change.

Here are my goals for the month:

1. No bingeing. Eat with dignity.
2. Exercise 20+ minutes each day.
3. Track my food, on paper or online, but somewhere besides in my head.
4. Reflect at the end of the day to acknowledge success and analyze errors.

My plan is to get some colored star stickers and assign each goal a color. When I meet a goal for the day I will put the appropriate color star sticker on the calendar where I record my exercise. I can see areas of strength quickly that way and, who doesn't like stickers, right?!

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I decided to go in to school tomorrow to clean my room. I need a break today. DH is taking the day off tomorrow so we can take a car into the dealer for maintenance and said he'll help me at school (he is in education but no longer in the classroom) so I can get it done in one day. Then I don't have to go in until August. I'm relaxing today, doing not much of anything. I will do the Pilates stretches I do every day then maybe take a short walk. Or get on the bike. Something. I also have appointments to make and reschedule so that's some phone stuff for later this morning.

But, just for today, I choose change.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITNFUNJEN 6/8/2014 11:55AM

    Great plan! Now that school is over, you can really focus on you!! And colorful stickers make everything better!

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LEXIE63 6/5/2014 3:12PM

    Stickers are good. :-) I have smiley face stickers in a variety of colours. I might give it a go as well. :-)

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SARAHTHEKNITTER 6/4/2014 10:10PM

    I like the calendar sticker idea!

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LADYOLIVER 6/4/2014 3:42PM

    emoticon emoticon taking it moment by moment

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 6/2/2014 2:43PM

    WOOHOO! I hope today you choose change too. I really appreciated reading this blog this morning. It reminds me that I am in charge of my life and my choices. I don't have to choose to do the same thing. I can choose something different.

Have a great day!

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SUSANELAINE1956 6/2/2014 12:38PM

    I bet you need a break after the year end school push. Enjoy it! That's really nice of your husband to help clean your classroom. Just imagine the renewed energy you will have after a day off and the big cleaning knowing you finally get some time off. emoticon

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CIPHER1971 6/2/2014 10:58AM

    Well chosen.

Have a great day

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WORKNPROGRESS49 6/2/2014 10:43AM

    emoticon emoticon

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VANGO79 6/2/2014 9:42AM

    emoticon The choice is yours emoticon

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BLC SMART Goals

Sunday, May 04, 2014

I am happy to be on the Azure Destinations team this round of the BLC. Here are my goals for this challenge:

I will lose 20 pounds by the end of the challenge. I will do this by:

*tracking what I eat

*keeping to my food plan, which at this moment is Weight Watchers, incorporating a fair amount of Nutrisystem food. I did Nutrisystem exclusively for a long time but I want more than 1 piece of fruit a day. I don't think fruit is evil. When I weighed around 300 pounds it wasn't because I ate too much fruit!

*I will exercise a minimum of 1000 minutes in May, increasing if my knee and back say it's ok!

*I will connect with my team and others on Spark by participating in discussion threads, commenting on blogs and Spark pages, and sending goodies. I will support others because aside form helping them, it also helps me keep my choices in the forefront of my mind.

*when I stumble....and I will, because we all do eventually....I will get back on track immediately, see what I can learn from the stumble, and move forward.

My favorite quote is "If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results." It is by Jack Dixon. I have found this to be true in so many areas of life. We want ______ but we don't identify the steps we need to follow to get there OR we identify them, but don't actually take those steps. I plan to take these steps. I have not come this far to allow my behaviors to lead me back to nearly 300 pounds. I will get back to where I was before my gains, and then move closer to my ultimate weight goal, whatever that is. I'll decide when I get closer.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENSHAINES 5/6/2014 8:07AM

    I agree.... NO going back! And as I said on the thread, I just LOVE the Jack Dixon quote!!! We're gonna ROCK this challenge!

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EMSSBEARS 5/4/2014 9:49PM

    Great goals and a plan to go alone with them you will have no problem getting there . emoticon

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FUNGIRL81005 5/4/2014 9:28PM

    I am happy to have you as an Island Buddy~~ emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUSANELAINE1956 5/4/2014 12:13PM

    Great job defining your goals. emoticon

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WORKNPROGRESS49 5/4/2014 11:43AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CIPHER1971 5/4/2014 11:34AM

    Awesome Goal and great road map to get there.

We will rock this round

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 5/4/2014 10:46AM

    I love your honesty in this blog along with your goals. They are very concrete yet flexible enough to be sustainable. Have fun with your journey.

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JOHNMARTINMILES 5/4/2014 10:08AM

    Great quote. I intend to steal it!

Make Today a Great Day!

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Reflections on 2013

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

So, today is New Year's Eve. Wow, 2013 went fast! It's been a pretty good year for me overall. Family is happy and healthy, job is going well, and I've learned some things about myself.

Weight.....ah, the weight I've battled since I was 5. That has been an adventure indeed. I just reviewed the calendar I use to keep track of my weight and exercise minutes. I weigh 16 pounds more than I did last New Year's Eve. Most of the year I've hovered around that Dec 31, 2012 weight, until about September, when it started to climb.

What I've learned is not about the numbers on the scale. I spent most of 2013 trying to "get away with" eating more food than I need. I ate "off program" frequently. WHEEE!!!! Like a little kid doing something their parents don't know about. That's exactly the feeling. That's why the secret eating I realized I do is so fun at the time. I'm getting away with something. I'm off plan.

In the past couple of weeks I looked at what it is, exactly, I am actually getting away with by going off plan. Couldn't find a thing except the joy of breaking the rules. I've gotten away from the clothes in my closet, that's for sure. They do not fit, and if they do, they don't fit the way I want them to.

Mostly I'm a rule follower, so breaking rules is a heady thing. At least it used to be. I've never broken serious rules. Never robbed any person place, never harmed anything, at least not intentionally or enough to recall. I don't break rules that will hurt someone else, just ones that will hurt me, apparently.

Hmmm I deserve to be safe from harm from myself, too!

I've realized it doesn't matter which program I'm on, or even if I'm on a program. It's just food and it all counts whether I track it or not or eat it in front of people or not. If I eat it, it counts! For most people that's not a new thing, and it's not like I didn't know that fact myself. Knowing something is a fact is one thing. GETTING it is another. Follow a plan, don't follow a plan...it really is irrelevant. Your body just takes in the food you give it and does what it does. The results are just data.

I feel like I get it now. And, I believe I will achieve my goal of getting to a weight at which I feel good in every way.

Happy New Year!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANASNEWBODY 1/4/2014 9:52PM

    Your words motivate me, It's not the number of times I re start but how soon I re start that is important , great job, keep it up

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FRANCESCANAZ 1/2/2014 6:20PM

    Oh sweetheart, I feel your pain. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. I also have been eating way too much and have gained back 10 pounds that were so hard to lose. But today I am back on track. I can do it and so can you! emoticon

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WORKNPROGRESS49 12/31/2013 7:46PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EDDYMEESE 12/31/2013 7:21PM

    Great job! Happy New Year!

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STEPBYSTEP1955 12/31/2013 3:53PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PRESBESS 12/31/2013 1:15PM

    You can make your goal a reality. I know you can. I hope 2014 is a year full of joy, peace and blessings for you and your family.
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FUNGIRL81005 12/31/2013 10:45AM

    I like the idea of a weight that feels good.......A great goal!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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2BEHEALTHY2014 12/31/2013 9:45AM

    I like your idea of keeping track of things in a calendar so you can really review the year. I have a brand new calendar and I will do that too. I think you've got a handle of things now so 2014 should be a great year for you!

Happy New Year

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Thanksgiving Traditions

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Thanksgiving is speeding towards us! I have nothing ready but the menu is pretty much set in stone by my daughter so that will be easy!

Turkey: simply cannot go without that! Simply roasted with garlic, lemon, and rosemary.

Stuffing: I've made all types, mostly from scratch, but she likes Stovetop best. Seriously! To keep it simple I just may use Stovetop this year. In the past I've made polenta and flavored it so it tastes like cornbread stuffing, which is my favorite. I might do that for me but the Stovetop needs to be there for her.

Green Beans: No, not the casserole! Just green beans. Sometimes I do then with almonds sauteed in butter but DH prefers olive oil and garlic on his. We like garlic so that's what we'll likely go with.

Mashed Potatoes: I do them with sauteed mushrooms, chives, sour cream, and garlic. YUM!

Cranberry relish: I make a red wine orange cranberry marmalade that is phenomenal! My mouth just watered thinking about it!

Pumpkin pie: MUCH cheaper to buy already made, and Sam's club makes a great one. However, this year DD has requested one made from actual pumpkins. Seriously! So, we will make it from scratch this year.

After the meal we always go for a walk. That way we earn our leftovers!

Yes, much of our holiday is determined by DD. That's okay. Our kids are with us such a short time! DH is from another country and has no prior experience with Thanksgiving and my own childhood memories of any holiday are unpleasant at best so I'm fine with creating traditions she can carry with her.

Guess I should get started on that pumpkin puree.......

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2BEHEALTHY2014 11/24/2013 4:45PM

    Sounds like a good meal!

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 11/19/2013 1:12PM

    Great menu and lovely traditions. I like that you are making traditions your DD can continue even though you (and DH) didn't have any special traditions in your lives before. It can really make bonds with your family to do things like this together.

Thanks for sharing a piece of your life with us.

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CATHYGETSFIT 11/17/2013 2:03PM

    It sounds like you have a good plan for what is going to be served. I like the idea of going for a walk after eating dinner. Hope you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving. emoticon

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STEPBYSTEP1955 11/16/2013 2:05PM

    Thanks for sharing your Thanksgiving tradition and plan. The TD menu sounds quite yummy and healthy.

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MERRYMARY42 11/16/2013 11:40AM

    it all sounds great, and definitely a traditional Thanksgiving Dinner, at least in my estimations. Happy Thanksgiving emoticon

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LEXIE63 11/16/2013 10:27AM

    You wouldn't care to share that mash recipe? We don't do Thanksgiving over here, but I could sure eat some of that mushroomy potato. :-)
Hugs,
Lex xxx

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