Saturday, November 16, 2013
Thanksgiving is speeding towards us! I have nothing ready but the menu is pretty much set in stone by my daughter so that will be easy!
Turkey: simply cannot go without that! Simply roasted with garlic, lemon, and rosemary.
Stuffing: I've made all types, mostly from scratch, but she likes Stovetop best. Seriously! To keep it simple I just may use Stovetop this year. In the past I've made polenta and flavored it so it tastes like cornbread stuffing, which is my favorite. I might do that for me but the Stovetop needs to be there for her.
Green Beans: No, not the casserole! Just green beans. Sometimes I do then with almonds sauteed in butter but DH prefers olive oil and garlic on his. We like garlic so that's what we'll likely go with.
Mashed Potatoes: I do them with sauteed mushrooms, chives, sour cream, and garlic. YUM!
Cranberry relish: I make a red wine orange cranberry marmalade that is phenomenal! My mouth just watered thinking about it!
Pumpkin pie: MUCH cheaper to buy already made, and Sam's club makes a great one. However, this year DD has requested one made from actual pumpkins. Seriously! So, we will make it from scratch this year.
After the meal we always go for a walk. That way we earn our leftovers!
Yes, much of our holiday is determined by DD. That's okay. Our kids are with us such a short time! DH is from another country and has no prior experience with Thanksgiving and my own childhood memories of any holiday are unpleasant at best so I'm fine with creating traditions she can carry with her.
Guess I should get started on that pumpkin puree.......
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Yes, I know, the month is 1/3 over already, but that's the way things have been going lately!
October was not a fabulous month for me as far as putting my healthy habits in the forefront. I ended up gaining 0.3 pounds which isn't bad considering it was the month of birthdays and our wedding anniversary. My exercise minutes weren't even at 1,000 total, which is way down from the past year. As far as food goes, I was only actually within range or on plan 12 of 31 days. It's a miracle I didn't gain more!
For November I want to be within my range/on plan 80% of the time. That means 24 of 30 days. That was the goal I set November 1. Looking at my data at this point I would have to be 100% on plan every single remaining day of this month to meet that goal so I am reevaluating. I am now aiming to beat October's OP (on plan) percentage, which was 39%. I can do it!
The exercise goal I set November 1 was 1200 minutes of exercise. I'm keeping that even though I'm off to a very slow start. If I can break 1000 I'll be happy, but 1200 isn't that far so I will aim for that.
For the portion of my overall health plan that involves feeding my soul, work is really getting in the way. I swear, I could work every waking minute of every day and still not get it all done! And I deserve more than zero time for me and my family! I will continue to prioritize and do what I can. I will set time limits for work on the weekends and try to get as much done as I can before I leave during the week so I'm not working at home in the evenings. I will also take a bit of time each evening to sit with the family and read something not for work, even if it's just a magazine.
So that's my plan for this busy month of food. I can do better than last month, which is all that matters!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
For the past year or so I've been gaining and losing the same 5-10 pounds. I'll get serious, then get down to the low 180s and decide I "deserve" to try this or I want to eat that. As a result, I'm where I was a year ago. I look at it as practice for maintenance, which is good, except I'm not in a healthy weight range yet, which is not good. I did have several doctors tell me, as a 280-300 pound woman in my 20s, 30s and 40s that I would NEVER weigh less than 200 pounds since I'd been over that number since I was a child. Now, they were obviously wrong, but why do I still think about that?
I AM under 200 pounds. I have been for over a year. So, the answer lies less in my body and more in my mind. I am the one keeping myself from reaching goal at this point. (Notice I didn't say forever. That's an important distinction. I WILL get to my goal. I do believe I can do it.) No one makes me engage in unplanned eating. I do that. I get in my own way. No one is stopping me from getting to a healthy weight except for me.
I keep trying to figure out why I don't seem to want to finish the job. The only thing I can figure is that I lived my whole life, since I was 5, as the fat girl. If I'm not the fat girl, who am I? I don't think I see myself the way I look now because photos still surprise me, and if I hold up a pair of size 12 pants or a medium shirt I think they cannot possibly fit me. But they do fit me. What doesn't fit me is the image of me in my head. I never thought I even saw myself as the fat girl...I was always surprised by how fat I looked in pictures before because in my head I was thin. But people called me fat. I heard it, I saw it in their eyes. For 40 years.
Some people call me skinny now, but for a split second after they say it I don't believe them. I know it's more about what I say to myself than what others say.
One piece of advice I got about seeing yourself as the person you are now, not the one you used to be, was to try new things, thin person things. I had always exercised but I started buying form-fitting clothes, mostly shirts because my legs still look really fat to me even though measurements say they are thinner than they were. Last summer I would get up and go walking outside. On the route there would come a time when the sun was behind me and I could see my shadow walking in front of me. That was my favorite part because my waist looked so tiny! I would just stare at my shadow and think "That's what I look like" over and over.
Then it got too hot to walk outside. And I just haven't done it since for whatever reason. I guess I need to find a new thing to do that will reinforce the vision of myself as just ME, not some girl defined by her size. None of us are defined by our size, and I never thought I'd done it to myself. Is it truly the result of decades of programming from the outside world? And how do I un-program? Is it as simple as affirmations? Hypnosis?
I believe that once I get this figured out I will be able to get out of my own way and just do what needs to be done, over and over. I am certainly not giving up! No way!
I read on a board somewhere that giving up after you make a mistake is like dropping your cell phone then stomping on it till it breaks. I liked that one better than the falling down one stair then throwing yourself down the rest. I haven't fallen down many flights of stairs (thankfully!) but I drop my cell phone with enough regularity that I put a protective case around it.
Hmmmm, if my weight loss/healthy lifestyle program is my cell phone and slips ups are dropping it, it seems I need to find a protective case for the weight loss/healthy lifestyle program. Bingo! One step closer!
Now, what IS the "protective case"..... Something new to think about.
It could be as as simple as just doing it anyway, getting right back on plan. Track it, move on, do better. Or, it could be as simple as fake it till you make it. Do it anyway.
For today, I choose to do it anyway.
Saturday, July 06, 2013
I've been struggling with staying on any food program lately and my weight and psyche both show it. I've been binging regularly, and not on cucumbers and celery sticks. I do know my spirit feels wounded. My relationship with food definitely needs attention.
In the past, I've been able to use self talk to keep binging at bay. Lately any self-talk has been drowned out by the other voice, the WTF voice. I checked out "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth at the library yesterday. I have a few of her books, haven't actually read any of them all the way through. In this one she states, "...if I tracked the impulse to eat when i wasn't hungry to its core, I'd find every single thing I believed about loving, living, and dying right there, in that moment." She goes on to talk about how the "truths" we learn as children are often the "truths" we are reacting to in that moment of eating. If there was never enough, for example, you take more than you need in order to survive. Stuff like that. Your experiences, your reality as a child. What you learned life was.
As a child I wasn't well cared for or nurtured much at all, so maybe in those moments of eating I'm telling myself the same things...I'm not worth taking care of or nurturing. The feeling I have when I eat is one of defiance. I was defiant a lot, in order to get the attention of the adults around me. No one paid much attention to me when I followed the rules, got straight A's, obeyed curfew. But when I defied the rules, I got attention, all right. Not necessarily the kind I wanted, but something was better than nothing.
People I loved left. My father died when I was 2, We moved to Indiana so Mom could be near her mother when I was 8. My older brother, who was 18 and in college, stayed in Texas, so I lost him, too. When we got to Indiana my mother became depressed. I didn't know that at the time, of course, but I see it now. It became clear when we got to Indiana that my mother's family wanted little to do with helping mom take care of me. I know now from conversations with my mother as an adult that the relationship she and her mother had was a rocky one. She never felt she could do anything right. As a result of her depression, I wasn't cared for. In 3rd grade I wasn't told to bathe, change clothes, go to bed, and my eating certainly wasn't monitored. I was left alone after school because there was no one to take care of me. No one willing to, anyway. So I ate. A lot. I remember eating until I was so full I thought I would explode.
I've examined all of these issues before; the missing father, the unloving grandmother, the mother paralyzed by her own need for acceptance by the family she loved but that hated me, and the anger I felt as a result of not being first in anyone's life. I know that the adults in my life were wrong...I am good enough, I am lovable, I am fine the way I am. I know my mother did the best she could with the tools and resources she had a t the time. I would do things differently, but I have different resources. I know I have now surrounded me with people who love me, with all my flaws. My husband married me when I was close to 300 pounds. He doesn't care what I weigh, just wants me to be healthy. I've tried very hard to make sure my own daughter knows she is fine the way she is. I see her perfectionist streak and I've tried very hard to help her understand that perfection isn't a goal that can be attained. I also suspect that she will simply have to battle that one herself. I've done the hard work. I won. So why is it still there???
I've lost this weight by focusing on the changes I need to make, not on the number. Lately, I've lost that. I'm focusing on the number and the WTF thinking comes in when that number doesn't go down even though I've done the right things. That happens sometimes. I know that.
So, maybe, just maybe, those moments of WTF eating are that little girl trying to get some love, some validation? Maybe she's yelling "Take care of me!" and then I go and shove some more food at the poor thing! I found out a long time ago that food won't fill the voids. Never will. I KNOW this, so why do I keep trying to use it that way? And, more importantly, what can I do in those moments of "I don't care anymore" instead? Because I really do care.
I know the list: take a bath, read, sleep, talk to friend, write, listen to music, go for a drive. I made that list! What about when nothing helps?
That's the real problem, because I think the answer to that question is that you just have to feel the way you feel until you don't feel like that anymore. I mean, really FEEL it. Not try to numb it, stuff it down. Let it wash over you. And that answer sucks because that feeling is uncomfortable! But it won't kill me. IT WON'T KILL ME! I have survived worse things than feeling a little bit uncomfortable. I can survive a want, no, a NEED, to eat without indulging it.
So, that's the answer, I think. That there is no answer. You just exist, the way you are, feeling like food will help, but knowing that it won't. Nothing will help. So, might as well just feel the feeling, the discomfort.
Maybe that realization will help in some way.
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