Sunday, November 24, 2013
I'm dealing again with the pain of another month passing without a child growing inside me. I had hoped deeply that this would be the month we would get our second chance, but it would seem that is not the case.
I cried all through church this morning, but only partially from grief. Today we heard the Song of Zechariah. Our pastor reminded us that Zechariah had lost his words from the day the angel told him he would have a son until the day his son John was born, and on that day, he spoke first to praise God.
I was struck because in the early days after my miscarriage, all I could say to people was, "I don't have words for it yet." It was such comfort that I was not the only one to have lost my words. I felt such a connection to the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth.
While I know I have not had to wait nearly so long as they, and many others have and did to have the child God planned for them, the fulfillment of their story and God's promise to them reminded me that He also has a plan for my family. It makes the waiting seem cleansing to hear these reminders from God.
I don't know if God will send me the child my husband and I pray so hard for, but I know that he will be with me in the plan He has for our lives. I know He will be with me as I continue to mourn and be angry and feel lost over our first loss. I know He will carry us through to completion.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
In case you come to read this, please understand, I need a place to let loose my thoughts in a way that I would not normally. I'm processing as I write. If I come off as selfish, frightened, angry, jealous, or any other undesirable trait, it's because like every other flawed person, I feel those things sometimes.
We tried to get pregnant for 8 cycles without luck. It was to the point that I was angry when my period was late in June because it might interrupt my vacation. I was so unbelievably happy when I found out I was pregnant! I couldn't even contain myself long enough to come up with a fun way to tell my husband. I just went and told him!
I found myself saying, "even if we don't get to keep this one, now we know we can get pregnant." I don't know why, but it would seem somehow I knew it wouldn't last. It didn't. Our baby died in August. I had a terrible miscarriage experience with unfeeling e.r. doctors, a d&c, and three weeks of bleeding. It was the worst time of my life. I felt alone all the time. And what's worse, I wanted to feel alone because any time some one even tried to show caring, I couldn't control my tears or pain.
My husband had just started his dream job. Everything was lining up so nicely. So while he worked at something he loved, I hated that it allowed him a distraction. My job, while full of caring friends, is a pit of stress, led by a disorganized, selfish, horror of a boss. My baby was going to bring me through the year. All my hope was torn from me. It's a struggle every day to show up and be the professional I know I can be.
So now we rebuild. The term "cycle" has a new meaning for me, two weeks of waiting for a chance, one week worrying we missed it, and two weeks alternating hope and dispair. All I can think is that it might never end. I might never get to have the child I dream about holding. Then I pull myself up and think that I may very well have one just starting to grow in me right now. I don't know which is the more dangerous or painful thought.
I hate that I get angry with my husband just because he's tired or thinking about something else. I hate that I hate my job right now when it's a blessing just to have work in my field. I hate that I can't sit through church with out crying. I hate that sometimes I let my happiness center in this part of my life alone, and therefore go without.
It seems so simple, even accidental for so many couples. But that's not our story. Our story is painful, and unfinished. And that's what is so hard. I just can't see the finish line. I don't know how long we have to run this race or even if there is a finish line at the end.
I'm grateful for this outlet and for anyone who has taken the time to read it. I sought it out after feeling turned away from "support" sites and message boards just because other people had felt the pain I was feeling before me. You'd think they would understand, but I was scolded for being redundant. As if my experience was less valid simply because I wasn't the first to feel loss.
But this was my first, our first, and it's a loss I will feel forever. I don't know how to get past each step except to acknowledge what I feel and allow myself to process.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Yay!!!! I went to the doctor today and am officially cleared to try to get pregnant! My doctor was pleased with my weight loss and the lifestyle I am living. My husband and I are sooooo excited! Rather than starting my next pack of pills tomorrow we can start something totally new!
I am trying not to hope too hard that we'll get pregnant right away. I know that I might have to be patient and that lots of different things could happen, but I can't help being excited for this next step in our lives.
I want to tell everyone!!!! But I also don't want everyone asking me all the time if I'm pregnant. So, I settled for telling my parents and one good friend. Then I'll have people to talk to, but not the pressure that would come with everyone around me knowing.
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