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I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing

Saturday, January 09, 2010

I am feeling so defeated, so blue, so disappointed in myself! I ate it all - every bite! And it wasn't even all that good! How disgusting!

So, to back up, today in going through my emails from a friend, I came across an email I had saved that I thought sounded like a cute idea - a cake in a mug baked in the microwave. Well, it so happens that right now my oven is on the blink (or at least I'm afraid to use it), but that's another story! So I saw this little recipe and thought that would be a sweet little treat for my husband who loves cupcakes. So this afternoon, I tested it.

I baked up that little cake and it looked rather cute, but I thought I should taste it before I serve it to my husband later when he comes home. So taste it I did. It was quite disappointing and more like a chocolate bread pudding consistency - very heavy and not quite sweet enough. So I cut a little bit more and thought it might be good with milk on it. Better. But by now, I know I can't serve this thing to my husband; but it has such good ingredients in it, I hate to pitch it. So I ate a little bit more, this time putting a little bit of sugar on it to make it sweeter. And a little bit more and a little bit more and suddenly, it was all gone.

I stood and looked at that coffee mug that held the treacherous cake and my stomach started rolling and my eyes filled with tears. In the nine months that I have been on this journey, I can't remember once that I felt like I absolutely binged like this - and even for something that I didn't like all that much.

I'm trying to sort through what bad choices I made this afternoon and what prompted me to make them. I haven't sorted yet, and I'm still feeling blue, but I have the rest of the evening to make good choices and tomorrow is another day. My perfectionist tendencies want to beat myself up, punish myself, make myself do penance; but this will do no good.

So the rational side of me is trying to evaluate and learn from the whole thing so that I don't repeat this again.

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Better choices ahead!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LENNY48 1/10/2010 5:37PM

    Part of the journey to a new life style. MOst likely it will happen again and that is OK. Again, this is a lifestyle not a diet. Giver yourself a break!

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SCORPION1352 1/9/2010 7:17PM

    You can't beat yourself up over this all your going to do is come up bloody. We all make those stupid mistakes and we all LEARN from them which you have, so I say good for you making better choices is the answer.

Marty emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

emoticon emoticon God Bless

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JFROGDIVA 1/9/2010 7:16PM

    New Perspective: It was a mug.....NOT a big cake!!!! Yes, you shouldn't have eaten it, especially the whole thing, BUT it was a MUG!!!! NOW......get back on your journey to a healthier lifestyle!!!! You CAN do this!!!! You will have days where your choices are lacking, but you need to learn from them & move on!!!! I can have cake & ice cream in the house & never touch it, but put a bag of M&Ms in my house & I eat them all without stopping!!!! We all have our weaknesses & we have to learn to avoid or control them.....farther on your journey you may have learned & grown enough to eat a bite or two of cake, but right now you can't!!

NOW...stand up, dust yourself off, & get back up on the wagon & progress on your journey!!!! We ALL have these days!! Next time you are tempted.... stop, drop & roll!!!! stop where you are.....drop whatever food is tempting you....."roll" away from the area of temptation & get on here & talk to one of us!! We are here for you!!!!
Hugzz ~ Jae emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/9/2010 7:21:28 PM

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New Year's Resolutions Are Made to be Broken

Friday, January 01, 2010

New Year's resolutions don't hold much weight with me. Somehow, over the years, it seems every New Year's resolution I have made has turned to ashes in such a short time; and I've seen the same happening in the lives of others. So I've come to the conclusion that they are made to be broken.

Now, before you write me off - read on!

For several years, I have made no New Year's resolutions because I just didn't keep them. This led in a downward spiral of drifting and despair - a place where it seemed I just gave up and happen what will! This led to a lot of problems - my weight, my health, my relationships, my marriage, my social life, my home - all suffered because of my "I give up" attitude. I would look at my situations and they looked like mountains to climb for which I had no energy or inner strength.

Why didn't my New Year's resolutions work in the past, along with so many other people? In musing on this, I believe many of them are just too broad. Maybe the resolution is, "I'm going to lose weight this year," or "I'm going to get out of debt this year," or "I'm going to get my house picked up this year."

All of these are wonderful goals, but they lack something. They are so broad that instead of creating a road to travel, they present an insurmountable mountain. At the start of my weight loss journey, I had 157 pounds I wanted to lose. It surely, surely looked like a mountain. Wow - that's a whole person! How did I ever let it come to this? For so long, this quickly became a downward spiral of defeat. What I needed to do is start taking baby steps. In fact, although I didn't consciously make it so, "baby steps" has somewhat been my mantra in 2009. And when I began to take one day at a time, even one choice at a time, things began happening.

When I saw that I could make the choice just for today to walk 1 mile, that's all I had to do. I don't have to walk tomorrow or next year's miles today. All I ask of myself is 1 mile today. When I saw that I could make the choice just for today to say no to that second cookie, that's all I had to do. I don't have to limit tomorrow or next year's calories today. All I ask of myself is limit myself today. This is not to negate the importance of planning; planning is part of the baby steps and vitally important.

I would be remiss not to give honor where honor is due and thank God for the insights, the answered prayers, the daily strength and the courage that he has given me. He is my all!

As I saw the success that started coming when I took baby steps and made wise choices regarding my health, I realized that the same principle carries through in other areas of my life and I began applying the baby step principle to relationships, to my marriage, to my housekeeping; and I found that it works. It gives me the freedom to realize, as I posted in my "When You Come to a Standstill" blog, that I don't need to get discouraged because I haven't arrived at my ultimate goal. Since I'm taking one day at a time, one step at a time, it means that I am exactly where I am supposed to be on my journey.

This, I can do! I once heard the quote that nothing succeeds like success. And how true it is! Instead of a downward spiral, this begins an upward spiral that leads from one step up to another until, before you know it, you have learned to make wise choices and formed good habits. Do away with the "all or none" mentality and take a day at a time, a step at a time, a choice at a time!

Does this mean that I never have or never will make a bad choice, or misstep? Absolutely not. But the beauty is, when viewing life through a baby step mentality, it is only a step. I've not totally derailed my goals by one misstep.

So, for 2010, I'm not making resolutions; however, I'm not in despair as I was one year ago. When I look back over 2009, I am incredibly amazed at the progress I've made in so many areas, not just my weight loss. This progress was not made with a big resolution. This progress was made with many small resolutions, baby steps if you will, one choice at a time. This is what I want to continue doing in 2010. In fact, I've been musing what my personal motto should be for 2010 and as I've been writing this blog, I think I have settled on my 2010 motto: "Baby Steps - One Choice At a Time" and am going to change my spark page title accordingly.

For me, it's into 2010 with baby steps - one choice at a time!

Do you make New Year's resolutions? Do you keep them? If not, what would help you keep them? Do you have the all or none mentality, or do you believe in baby steps? What have you found works for you?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOV4WARD 1/7/2010 4:31PM

    emoticoni get that :)

baby steps are what you truly can do today! It will be exciting to see where you walk in 2010.

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    We have alot in common, I wrote about baby steps on my blog. I also like "give us today THIS DAY'S bread"; daily bread; daily walk; not tomorrow's, not next week, not next month's or next year's walking. Yep!

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THEATERCHICK18 1/1/2010 9:53PM

    glad to see you back on spark! been awhile since ive read one of your blogs. nice plan on the baby steps. I think for me it works with the all or none because it gives me a kickstart and then afterwards it helps me not feel so bad for messing something up since I know all the hard work I put in so far. For example today, I exercised for an hour and did strength as well and then ate until I was full- under my calories but not over on any categories which shows I am able to make smart choices and continue towards my goal.

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JFROGDIVA 1/1/2010 8:55PM

    I agree that baby steps is the way to go!!!! I do goals not resolutions!! I am no longer an all or nothing person!! I am one step at a time toward my goal!!!!

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WANTSZU 1/1/2010 4:56PM

    I liked your blog. One choice at a time! Since life is all about choices, this works. Since joining spark, although I haven't lost the weight I wanted to, I have been more patient with myself. I am exercising more and eating better. Oh, I get out of control with my eating, but when I know I can start over at the next meal, I don't go into a panic about it. I focus on one goal at a time.

Have a Happy New Year.

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GLEN4536 1/1/2010 11:30AM

  I wright down ten things I would like to accomplish, I put them in an envelope,open the envelope Dec 31st , then see how many i actually stuck usually it' about four, so not bad, but I never stress over resolutions, I am in God Hands
Happy Healthy New Year

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No Room in the Inn

Friday, December 25, 2009

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn. Luke 2:7

No room in the inn - this grips my heart today. It is so easy to let the clamoring of life take over and relinquish Jesus to the slots wher we can fit him in.

I am challenged to give place in my inn for the one who can make me whole. Just as I make time on a regular basis for eating, sleeping, showering, exercising - I need to carve out and protect my relationship with Jesus by prioritizing and nurturing it on a regular basis.

No room in the inn? I want to swing wide the door of my inn and make room for the Christ child, the crucified Savior, the resurrected Lord, and the coming King. He is my all.

Have you read the Christmas story today? Read and be blessed. If you look for a blessing, you will find it. Make room in your inn for Him.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Great blog.

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LINDA6105 12/26/2009 9:14PM


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JFROGDIVA 12/25/2009 4:30PM

    Amen & Amen!!!! You are so very right!!!! I teach an Adult Sunday School class & I just developed a study on the Holy Spirit!!!! It has made me ACUTELY aware of how "life" is crowding Jesus out at times & I need to correct this!!!! Thank you for the reminder!!!!
Hugzz ~ Jae

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NELLIEC 12/25/2009 3:50PM

    Yes! That is why our Spark Team is called Christian Women Putting God First!!!

Each of us needs to examine our lives and see that we ARE putting Him first!!!

May God bless you!!!

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When You Come to a Standstill

Saturday, December 12, 2009

I've been trying not to get discouraged. I knew this would happen and thought I was mentally prepared for it. But it's harder than I thought.

When I began this journey in April of this year, for several months, the weight slid off pretty easily. I set a goal of 1 pound a week for myself, knowing that with 157 pounds to lose, I'm in this for the long haul. This is a marathon, not a sprint and I need to make changes that I can live with the rest of my life. I wasn't interested in losing 50 pounds in 5 months, then deciding I can't do this and gaining it back. I wanted to make lifestyle changes that will stick for my lifetime. So I started with small steps and gave myself until January of 2012 to lose 157 pounds. Could I walk for 5 miles every day of the week? No, but I could walk for 30 minutes 3 times per week. Could I shrink my calorie intake to 1,000 calories per day? No, but I could shrink it to 1,500 - 1,800 calories and be satisfied if I eat healthful. Could I cut out all of my favorite junk food, like chips, cookies and candy? No, but I could measure out 1 ounce of chips, 1 cookie, 1 fun size candy bar or 1 Bit-O-Honey, eat it mindfully and be satisfied. Could I go to an all whole food diet? No, but I could switch to brown rice, whole grain cereals, more sweet potatoes, more veggies and consume less calories and feel more full. Like I said - I'm thinking marathon, not sprint!

So as the weight slid off much faster than my 1 pound per week, I began worrying about fast weight loss and the excess skin that won't have time to shrink along with my weight loss. But I kept on with my goals thinking that the day will come when my weight loss slows down and I will be glad for the early on slide. Well, I thought right, and the day has come.

My slow down hit about 5 months in. I lost 39 pounds the first 5 months. I've lost only 9 pounds in the last 3 1/2 months. Seems I'm so close to that 50 pound mark and want so badly to proclaim on Spark People that "I've lost 50 pounds with Spark People", but it's slow in coming these days. I've not been tempted to throw in the towel, but I have felt discouraged.

I feel like I'm also at a standstill in some other goals/projects in my life right now. Things that have been moving ahead, but due to things outside of my control, just seem to be at a standstill.

I've been pondering this and I have come up with a little saying that I have been telling myself when I get discouraged. When you come to a standstill, it's time to stand still and look how far you've come. And this is exactly what I have been trying to do. I even added a quote by Joyce Myer to my Sparkpage that describes this. " I am not where I need to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be."

How do I know I'm not where I used to be?

- I've lost a total sum of 34.5 inches in all the measurements I'm taking. Interestingly enough, it was when my weight loss slowed that people started noticing my weight loss. Even in the last 3 1/2 months where I've only lost 9 pounds, I've lost 9 inches on my measurements. So even though I'm not losing so fast, the inches are still going down. This is very encouraging. But I wouldn't have known this if I hadn't taken the time this morning to sit down and calculate exactly how many inches I have lost. See - I may be at a standstill with my weight, but it paid to take a few minutes, stand still and look back.

- I am walking about 6 miles per week. My goal is to walk 3 times per week. I sometimes do more, but like I said, this is a marathon, not a sprint. I can't do 6 miles a day, both time wise and body wise right now, but I can manage 6 miles per week. So, my weight may be at a standstill, but stand still and look back. When I started walking at 302 pounds, I only walked in 20 minute stints. Probably a maximum of 1.5 miles per week. Oh, I may still be way overweight, but I'm getting more fit, both inside and out. I would guess I could out walk some people I know who are at an ideal weight. So, stand still and look back.

- I have more energy. This summer, I handled the heat really well and I am now trying to work in a small extra project to catch up on all the years I've lost. Stand still and look back. Who knows, just maybe I'll have a small garden next summer.

- I am focusing on relationships. In the past, it seemed I was constantly so tired and sometimes depressed that it took all my energies to focus on me. But it seems that with the new found energy, I am able to look outward more, less focus on myself and reach out to work on the relationships with those I love. And it's working. Stand still and look back.

- I'm working on catching up on my housework that I have neglected. Again, small steps. I've joined Flylady.com and am shining my sink every day, hitting a 2 minute hot spot every day, and trying to spend 15 minutes a day de-cluttering (and believe me, I have a lot of de-cluttering to do). flylady.com/ I'm still in the 31 beginner steps, but it aligns with the concepts that I have been trying to institute for myself the past 4 months or so, and is just a tool to help me along the way. Again, we're talking marathon, not sprint, and I can do this. In the past, it was home from work, get dinner, do a load of laundry and the things I absolutely needed to do to get by and collapse. Stand still and look back.

Am I where I should be? No. Am I where I am going to be? No. Am I where I have been? No. Am I where I should be on the journey I have begun? I think I am. This is a road to be traveled. When I take a trip, I need to start from where I am. If I'm traveling 500 miles, I don't expect to arrive at my destination in 30 minutes. I expect that there will be some hills to climb along the way and some valleys to travel through. There will be some rest stops for a break. There may be some rain and fog as well as sunshine - even all in the same trip. There could even be a flat tire, but do I let it deter me from staying on my journey? No, I'm going to get out my spare, or make a repair and continue to my destination. If I've traveled for 4 hours and I'm not there yet, am I going to say, "Oh, I'll never get there," and turn around and head back home? Of course not! I have a goal, a destination. And looking back, I see that I am right where I am supposed to be for the place I am in my journey. I am so encouraged by this and thankful for this revelation that has been given to me to spur me on.

So, when you come to a standstill, stand still and look how far you've come.

How do you find encouragement when you feel that you are at a standstill in your life?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JFROGDIVA 12/24/2009 11:20AM

    Thank you for your wonderful blog!! You are very gifted at writing & expressing what many of us feel!!!! Thank you for the new perspective!!!! Jules (NUSL8T) directed me here & I am SO glad she did!!!!
Hugzz ~ Jae
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Congratulations on how far you have come & how great you are doing!!!!

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MOV4WARD 12/23/2009 7:06PM

    What a wonderful concept & perspective :)

It's so important to recognize & even celebrate how far we've come (instead of the opposite for what's undone). And I love the car/journey analogy. I have been pondering a similar analogy that I found helpful. Saw a comment from someone on a recent Daily SparkBlog who said something like: if you get a traffic ticket, do you say what the heck and go get 200 more? For me, I would perceive a failure, give up & go get 200 more. So I think forward motion & celebration of how much we've accomplished is helpful when things get tough(er).

emoticon emoticon emoticonCongratulations on all you have accomplished so far. I am looking forward to sharing the rest of the journey with you :)

emoticon emoticon emoticonCheers, jules :)

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JUNEDOE 12/15/2009 3:07PM

    Thanks for this post!

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CYCLINGSANDY 12/12/2009 10:33PM

    Great blog. You are such a gifted writer. I have been at a standstill for month now. These last pounds from my goal weight are taking me forever. But when I stop to take in how much I have changed I realize that it is a forever kind of change.
You will make it because with God all things are possible!

Comment edited on: 12/12/2009 10:33:40 PM

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DEBBIEVEE1 12/12/2009 9:08PM

    Great advice I know I will need someday. I'm just starting. emoticon

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WALNUT5612 12/12/2009 5:36PM


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LINDA25427 12/12/2009 4:55PM

    I find encouragement from my friends and church group, the support and love we recieve here on SP is amazing . I loved your blog thanks for writing it and your body is telling you to take a little time and let it adjust to the weight you have lost ,then it will start losing again . Congratulations on the weight and inches you lost forever. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SCORPION1352 12/12/2009 4:27PM

    WoW What a great bolg. and thank you so much for writing it when you did. I am sortta in stand still and really needed to hear something encouraging. Now I will stand still and look back. I just love that quote. Your doing so good much luck to you on rest of your journey I KNOW you will get to your destination and on time.

Marty emoticon emoticon

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FILLANGES 12/12/2009 3:04PM

    What an AMAZING blog you have posted here. I have just found the encouragement I was looking for as I am at a stand still. I felt I was kinda resting on my successes and not trying as hard as i could, But I truly have changed every aspect of my life this year so far and I'm very pleased with what I have accomplished. God Bless you and thanks for sharing your new found wisdom with those of us who needed to share in it! I wish you all the best as you continue your journey and have a very Merry Christmas and the HAPPIEST and HEALTHIEST of New Years! God Bless. Rick
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NELLIEC 12/12/2009 1:52PM

    Yes, looking back and seeing how far you have come is wonderful!!!

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JOY_IS_LOSING 12/12/2009 12:50PM

    What a wonderfully, descriptive blog. Thank you so much for sharing your insights. You are an encouragement. Think I'll stand still today and look back.

~Joy emoticon

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ALYFITN 12/12/2009 12:46PM

    My Goodness, this is a great blog!! You've described your challenges and strategies clearly. I'm on the same journey. I only started measuring inches this week and will continue monthly in anticipation of the plateau.
I have not handled standstills well and am learning to reach out to others. We were not meant to do this alone.
You inspire me. Thank you so much! Maybe knowing that you are helping others can be part of your encouragement. God bless!

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Counting the Miles With Almonds

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Today there is snow on the ground. Most of the areas that I cover in my walk are blanketed with about 3 inches of snow. What to do! What to do!

I've been concerned about keeping up on my cardio with the upcoming winter as my main form of cardio is walking. I don't have a gym close, and not sure if I would shell out the money for it if I did. I have not invested in any equipment although an elliptical, mini trampoline or exercise bike would be high on my wish list if I decided to invest. But right now, for all my exercising, I'm using what I have, which is me.

As I contemplated walking today, I had to cross two bridges. One, where would I walk? Two, I don't feel like walking in the cold today!

I am quite pleased with myself that I did cross both of these bridges and I did get in a two mile walk in the cold, overcoming two obstacles.

The first bridge was crossed when I considered that today is Sunday and the church parking lot right next door to us would be cleared as they had services this morning. If I take the long way around to get to their lot and circuit walk their lot, I should be able to get in a decent walk. I went to Spark People's fitness maps, selected the overlay so I could see terrain and not just roads and mapped out an approximate two mile walk.

I really quite dislike "circuit" walking as I think it is incredibly boring, but today I didn't have a choice. In order to make a 2 mile walk, I had to walk around this parking lot 13 times. How will I keep track? As I pondered this out loud with my husband, he suggested taking a piece of paper and tearing a notch in it every round - a take off of the old cut a notch in the tree trick. I thought that would work, then considered that I will need to stop and count the notches. What could I count out before I go and lose one every round, so that when it is all gone, I'm done? A light bulb came on - almonds. I typically eat about 12 almonds every day (or some walnuts or flax seed if not almonds). This would be perfect. Now, I have never tried snacking while I walked before, but I did it today and it worked. Into a snack bag went 12 almonds. Every round I made, one of those almonds went in my mouth. As it was 32 degrees, I was wearing gloves, so these presented a bit of a problem. So every time I went for an almond, off came my right glove. It's good I used this method, because by six rounds, I was off one on my count and would have shortchanged myself. My walk took a bit longer than it ordinarily would because I had to dodge and baby step the ice patches. I realize that a mishap on a piece of ice could set me back for quite some time in this journey.

The second bridge was crossed by sheer determination. Who wants to leave a warm toasty home to walk in 32 degree weather? Certainly not the gal who has always liked her creature comforts and never enjoyed exercise of any kind. I simply mustered up the grit within and did it. As I went to get dressed to head out for my walk, my husband stated that I am sure determined. I must say that I took that as a compliment. I told him I had to do it. He asked why. My response was that if I drop one opportunity, I am afraid I'll just stop all together. Don't think I don't have a little seed inside of me that is telling me to just stop. This seed wants to sprout and grow and I must not give it opportunity to do so.

So walk I did, and counted the miles with almonds.

Do you live in an area with snow on the ground in the winter? Do you do most of your cardio with walking and don't own any exercise equipment? How do you handle this? I'd be interested in hearing and just this afternoon noticed a post that addresses inside exercises.

How do you convince yourself to exercise when the "want to" isn't there?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CYCLINGSANDY 12/6/2009 10:28PM

    I love the idea of keeping track of your miles with the almonds. I plan to jog the circuit rtack at the gym this week. I always lose track. I'll use the almond. I started exercising withe the Leslie S.'s walking ones. I like them. I am blessed that a large Baptist church here as a Family Life Center. They allow all of the local pastor/wives in our association of churches belong to it for $20 a year. It was almost too good to pass up. I feel no guilt for the months I don't use it. The are not open on Sunday or Wednesday night either. But it is a gorgeous gym with very nice equipment and they play Christian music so that is another plus to me.
You feel about circuit walking like I feel about riding the same route on my bike. I do not want to be bored.
Keep up your walking this winter. I will check on you and you can hold me accountable too!

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NELLIEC 12/6/2009 7:07PM

    A fair number of people walk in place in their houses for cold weather, either for a certain number of minutes or to one of those Leslie Sansone DVDs that helps you keep time and speed. It's better than slipping and falling!!!!

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JAKEANDNELLIE 12/6/2009 5:33PM

    Great job!
I live in northeast Ohio, so we usually have a lot of snow by this time - none yet!
It's cold. I walked 2.5 miles this morning and it was 26 degrees. I walk with a disabled friend many mornings, so today we went to a local park with a paved path around the pond. I usually walk around 6 times (1.5 miles) while she does 4 times around.
I continue my walking in my neighborhood after I take her home and try to do at least another mile or two.
I don't like to wear boots, so I ordered a set of the treads that slip on over my walking shoes to wear when it's icy or slushy on the roads (we don't have sidewalks, but there's not much traffic). They really work. I usually wear heavy socks or even two pairs. Get a good scarf that you can cover your mouth with or get a surgical mask. Make sure your ears and fingers are covered.
Until my accident, I walked outside every day, all winter long, even during snow storms! (Lightning was the only thing that stopped me.)
I grew to love it and really missed it. I'm starting over and still love being outside!
(I HATE walking on my treadmill and refuse to use it!)

Comment edited on: 12/6/2009 5:34:53 PM

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