Saturday, May 28, 2011
I've been struggling with binge eating - emotional eating sounds nicer, but the ugly fact remains. If you've been reading my recent blogs, you know this and are probably saying, "Okay, get on with it already."
Let me say for the record that I know the rule about if you don't buy it, you can't eat it. However, let me also say for the record, that I am not the only one in my household. My husband does not share my attitude toward the evils of potato chips, candy and Little Debbies; consequently, they are purchased for his enjoyment. It stands to reason that they are thus in my house. I've moved the candy dish to a spot where I need to go far out of my way to get to it. We've jokingly talked about storing some of these items in the safe for which I forget the combination. But maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea.
I came across a blog this morning that couldn't have been more timely and seems to be just what the doctor ordered for me. This is written by SP friend and inspiration ~INDYGIRL. If you have trouble with binge eating, or want to have knowledge to help someone who does, I encourage you to read it.
Wishing you a sparktacular weekend, my friends
Friday, May 27, 2011
So . . . last night on my way home from work - that lovely 90 mile commute, I hit a hail storm; or rather, I should say, it hit me - my car to be exact! Wow! Where is an underpass when you need it?
Driving along, keep hearing the tornado warning alert for the counties that I am driving through, see the dark, dark clouds ahead, see that I am driving straight into the heart of one hellacious thunderstorm. In hindsight, should have gotten off the interstate, found someplace to park my car under a roof (Pilot, Sheetz, etc.) and stayed put until it passed. But stubborn me thinks I'm not a wimpy driver and I can do this. By now it is raining torrents and extremely gusty winds. I see an underpass, see a vehicle stopped under it and think once again, I am not a wimpy driver I can do this, and keep going, not thinking about the consequences of hail. About now the hail starts, small at first, now larger. Now I am earnestly wishing for that underpass I just turned down. Now it is pelting down. I think I'll keep driving until I find an underpass to pull under. By now, it is raining so hard, and my car is being pelted by quarter to golf ball size hailstones and I absolutely cannot see to drive. I pull off the side of the road and put my 4-way flashers on. Every car has pulled off the road - not a one is attempting to make it through this storm. As I sit in the storm, hail hits my car so hard the car literally rocks when it hits. I entertain the thought that it might break a window. Water gushes down the interstate like a river with a stream of hailstones floating atop it. I have my radio blasting and can hardly even hear it. I turn the radio off and sit in my own little world surrounded by the fiercest rain/hail storm I have ever been in. I call my husband on my cell phone and can hardly hear him above the noise of the storm. Later, my husband said I was shouting, he thought I was scared. Well, I don't know that I was really scared, although it was not the most comforting situation I have ever been in; I was more sick over what I knew was happening to my car that I've only had for 7 weeks. I was shouting because I couldn't hear him; consequently, it stands to reason I must shout so he can hear me, right?
I don't know how long I sit there, maybe five minutes, the storm abates a bit, enough that I think I will attempt to drive to find an underpass. About a mile down the road, I find one, but guess what - no vacancy. It is just full up, strung straight across the road, road blocked tight. Every vehicle crammed in there that could possibly fit. I squirm in and get the nose of my car under it, for whatever good it might do. When the hail stops, the rest of the cars pull out and I pull in, stop and get out to look at the damage - wow! Sickening!
I head down the road again, hail gone, but torrential downpour of rain. Leaves, tree branches, debris littering the road like a carpet. Uh, oh, hail again, smaller, marble size, but this time, when I hit the underpass, I stop under it and wait for the hail to subside. The remainder of my ride home is through some heavy rain for a time, but uneventful.
I've looked at the car this morning, it is even worse than I thought. Dimpled on every surface, much like a golf ball. So one more layer of stress has been added to my plate and I haven't handled it well this morning. I've eaten horribly - after these weeks of doing so good and thinking I'm getting back on track, how can one stressful situation so quickly make me forget all I've learned and all I've struggled for?
I feel like this is going to be the struggle of a lifetime. Will I ever get to the place that I don't react to stress by reaching for food? It's like a nasty little gremlin inside of me reaches out for the junk food when the stress level rises without asking me, without my permission, without even alerting me. I know - don't tell me it doesn't help - I know that! It only makes me feel guilty, which adds more stress, which makes me want to indulge more, which adds more guilt, which adds more stress which . . .
Thankfully, I am safe and unhurt. I think of the people in Joplin MO, Japan and other places who have suffered monstrous losses and realize I have much to be grateful for. I've called the insurance company, thankfully, we're covered! I've called the auto body shop, thankfully, they are in today. Interestingly enough, when I called the body shop and said what I needed, her comment was, "Oh, yeah!" I said, "I bet you are getting a lot of calls." Her reply, "Oh, yeah! Including two of my bosses." My comment, "It was bad!" "Oh, yeah!" This seemed to be her phrase of the morning, "Oh, yeah!" Thankfully, I'm off work today and can take the car in to get an estimate on repair.
Thankfully, just because I've started my day off wrong, doesn't mean that I need to finish it wrong. I can change this now; I don't need to wait until tomorrow. And thankfully, I have SP. If it weren't for you dear friends, I would have already gone off the deep end on a binge big time. This is my anchor and I am truly thankful for SP and for YOU.
Do you struggle with stress eating? How do you overcome it? Tell me your secrets? I really want to know how to end this never ending struggle?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I get Proverbs 31 Ministries emails daily. This one hit especially close home.
Good news: I was able to take two bites of chocolate and put the rest back because it wasn't as good as I anticipated and I decided it wasn't worth the calories. This has been happening more frequently, and this is progress!
Have a blessed day!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
I'm giving myself a fresh start. I have hung my head in shame for too long and struggled beneath the guilt of "failure."
Naked truth: I've gained 20 pounds since the first of the year. I didn't step on the scale for weeks because I didn't want to know what it was going to say. I've done mindless grazing, binging, and I haven't exercised. My smaller clothes are a wee bit snug. And instead of lifting my head and doing what had to be done, I've allowed depression and self-loathing to take me further down the spiral. This is the point where in the past, I've given up and gained back my weight.
I found a before picture of myself. I do not, repeat, DO NOT want to go there again.
I'm not home free, but I've re-set my long term goals. I've put it off because I felt like I didn't deserve a fresh start. But to not re-set and re-structure always puts me behind and sets me up for failure. I'm a perfectionist. That doesn't mean I do things perfectly by a long shot. What it does mean is that I am very hard on myself when I don't live up to my expectations. I want to turn this around to be an upward spiral, not downward; therefore, I am giving myself a fresh start.
My current weight is 252. This means in reality, I have lost only 50 pounds from my starting weight (hangs head in shame). I've been gut wrenchingly honest with myself and changed my weigh in my SP account. Honesty with myself is key, I know it, and I've been avoiding instead.
I've also changed my goal weight to 165 instead of 145. Ultimately, I think I want to reach 145, but I'm going to evaluate that when I get there. I weighed 165 when I got married. So my goal is to reach 165 by my 27th anniversary, April 19, 2013.
I look at this and it seems like a somewhat distant and wimpy goal. But my current job situation does not allow me a great deal of time for exercise. And once again, I want to set myself up for success, not failure. This delays my goal weight by a great deal, but as long as I can keep myself moving in the right direction, this is good.
I would like to lose the extra 20 pounds I've gained by the end of September.
To get myself started with some baby steps and not be overwhelmed, here are some of my short term goals:
Walk minimum of 3 miles per week and burn 400 calories - to help get myself motivated, the last two days I went back to my favorite walking spot for a fresh spark in my walks. Here is a picture of my favorite spot on the walk. I like to stop here to do my stretches and some deep breathing.
Drink 8 cups of water at least 4 days per week
Take steps to get my eating under control, this will be a multiple step process. Week before last, I went three days sugar free to try to stop the binging urge. It has helped and is a blog in itself.
This week's baby step goals:
Walk at least 3 miles
Do stretch exercises at least 3 times
Drink 8 cups of water at least 4 days
Do not eat from the bag or box. Portion out my serving and put the bag and box away.
I know I can achieve these baby steps. I can and I will!
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