Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I have been so busy at work and have not had a moment to write blogs or even to keep my daily journal about this journey - that is probably a good sign because I am not focusing too much on it.
Yesterday was my first counseling session, more just a 'let's find out what is going on' session - my wonderful husband came with me and will continue to come with me - we feel that it will be good for him to hear some of the events from my past being uncovered. It was a good session and the counselor was happy that I have such a good support system in my husband and that this is strengthening our relationship even more instead of causing us problems.
We covered the basic outline of my life's journey and the type of childhood and adult life issues that I had - his reaction was to confirm my doctor's diagnosis of severed PTSD and he said that he is amazed that I have managed without any previous counseling because I am in the same condition as someone who has just come back from Afghanistan. The good news is that it is very treatable. We know that it is going to be a long painful journey because events stem right from when I was 4 or 5 years old right up until I met my wonderful husband.
The approach that we are going to take is that we are going to meet every week at least to begin with - I want to get this sorted out finally.
It was pretty amazing how just this first informal discussion affected me later in the day and evening, I went back to being very anxious, lots of fear and depression .. but I took my usual dosage of sleeping tablets and anti-depressant at bedtime and actually slept straight through until 6 this morning. That is amazing for me even when medicated.
The counselor said that even though we are together 24/7 and obviously have a very strong relationship, we need to make time for us (most of our time is spent working) and we were able to tell him that we are hitting the road on Thursday evening and going to do a big loop down into WY, Grand Tetons, Yellowstone park and back home through a roundabout scenic route .. this will do me/us so much good and we are really looking forward to it - we love road trips and I have a beautiful Prius which means that we barely think about the cost of gas he he
Today I am feeling quite good, the weather is actually very cool and gray but I am achieving a lot at work and that helps - I worked pretty much all day Sunday which enabled me to get rid of a big backlog and now I can relax a bit and just try to keep up with the flow rather than panic about falling further and further behind - this is a huge project in Europe and the time difference means that I end up sending out a lot of emails in the evening and then get bombarded with responses in the morning and have to chase all the people that just don't get round to responding.
OK enough for now .. back to work
I really appreciate all the support, strength and comfort that I get from you my wonderful Spark friends
Saturday, July 06, 2013
It is the weekend and we had planned a day in town (town is Billings which is 50+ miles away so it is a day out for us).
I did reduce my Clonazepam by 1 last night and I slept until 4:45 this morning - I was not nervous when I woke up but just thought that it would have been nice to have been able to sleep a little longer as I have been used to lately - after a while I must have fallen asleep again because it was 7 when I woke up. I feel that I have made progress by making the decision to cut out one Trazodone and now 1 Clonazepam as well - hat has to be progress. I am still taking 2 Trazodone and 3 Clonazepam but will give it a week or two before I try to taper off another Clonazepam. The effect was quite good because I did not feel nearly as dizzy or groggy this morning.
We had a really fun day in Billings - nothing exciting, we just got the oil changed on the car then went and got the tires rotated at Costco and had to spend an hour and a half grocery shopping until the car was ready. We avoided buying lots of snacks and unhealthy food but we bought a stack of fresh fruit and veggies - the whole day was fun because we enjoy being together and being playful - my wonderful husband has learned a lot about me through this and treats me better than ever - we understand each other so much more and make more effort for each other .. yes .. I have always said this and II firmly believe it even more than ever - something good will always come out of something bad if you allow it to, it you look for and encourage it.
God answers your prayers but in his way, not your way - if you know what is best for you, why would you be praying to God for help? we are NOT better than God, we need him and our prayers are pretty much for us really - they bring us closer to God, they make us think more clearly about what is wrong and why and they make us think about what we really want. Like the flip of a coin to make a decision, somehow, when that coin is up in the air, you know what you want it to be. Prayer is something like that, we think about what is wrong and in asking for help, we can realize what we feel the best outcome would be - there are usually times when we want something that is actually bad for us and God says no. I broke my heart over the man that I thought I wanted to marry and spend my life with - now I thank you God for saying no an I thank him for the wonderful man that he guided me towards and how he is helping us to grow and enrich our marriage during this time of stress - not misunderstand each other and give up on each other as some often do.
OK that is more than enough for today - suffice to say that I am determined to get healthy in body an mind and I truly appreciate you sympathy, comfort and support.
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
I am finally beginning to relax a bit more - according to my husband this is a good thing and years overdue because I have always been too uptight, too concerned about cleaning and neatness and everything in it's place (said with love and a smile of course).
We were back to sharing the meal preparation - I made the salad and he grilled turkey burgers - sure we ate at our desks because we were working really late as usual. When we finally finished work, we had a couple of glasses of wine and watched a recorded version of Jeopardy - I was a little anxious as always when the sun starts going down but I stayed with my new med regime of 4 Clomazepan and only 2 Trozadone and fell asleep quite quickly - was it the wine or was it the fact that I am learning how to sleep again? I was amazed when I saw that it was 5:30 when I woke up - the alarm is set for 5:45 now because we have our new habit of cycling at about 6 in the morning.
What a beautiful morning - I did not feel nearly as dizzy/groggy as I have been for the last couple of weeks - it was cool (66) and beautiful and we covered 6 miles (with some uphill) in 30 minutes - not too bad considering we have been skipping serious exercise for a couple of months.
Yes, I CAN do this .. am very tempted to drop one of the Clomazepan but think I will wait until I have been down to 2 Trazodone for a week .. right now, life is looking good but I know that I have a very long way to go and my symptoms are only being masked - the meds are not a cure, just a symptom reliever. I am set to visit a counsellor on July 15th and I am really looking forward to starting this very very long overdue journey of clearing my ghosts from my past - from childhood until a few years ago. I know that it is going to be painful but my wonderful patient husband is going to come with me - he will probably learn a lot but he is already learning a lot about me and has definitely learned more about what I need and how to deal with situations
A scary future ahead but I look on it as labor pains, and the birth of a new improved me ready to tackle the rest of my life with much less stress, fear, baggage :)
I hope that you all have a wonderful day my friends - I appreciate you and your compassion and support so very much - thank you !
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