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Journey to Recovery - day 16

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

I have been so busy at work and have not had a moment to write blogs or even to keep my daily journal about this journey - that is probably a good sign because I am not focusing too much on it.

Yesterday was my first counseling session, more just a 'let's find out what is going on' session - my wonderful husband came with me and will continue to come with me - we feel that it will be good for him to hear some of the events from my past being uncovered. It was a good session and the counselor was happy that I have such a good support system in my husband and that this is strengthening our relationship even more instead of causing us problems.

We covered the basic outline of my life's journey and the type of childhood and adult life issues that I had - his reaction was to confirm my doctor's diagnosis of severed PTSD and he said that he is amazed that I have managed without any previous counseling because I am in the same condition as someone who has just come back from Afghanistan. The good news is that it is very treatable. We know that it is going to be a long painful journey because events stem right from when I was 4 or 5 years old right up until I met my wonderful husband.

The approach that we are going to take is that we are going to meet every week at least to begin with - I want to get this sorted out finally.

It was pretty amazing how just this first informal discussion affected me later in the day and evening, I went back to being very anxious, lots of fear and depression .. but I took my usual dosage of sleeping tablets and anti-depressant at bedtime and actually slept straight through until 6 this morning. That is amazing for me even when medicated.

The counselor said that even though we are together 24/7 and obviously have a very strong relationship, we need to make time for us (most of our time is spent working) and we were able to tell him that we are hitting the road on Thursday evening and going to do a big loop down into WY, Grand Tetons, Yellowstone park and back home through a roundabout scenic route .. this will do me/us so much good and we are really looking forward to it - we love road trips and I have a beautiful Prius which means that we barely think about the cost of gas he he

Today I am feeling quite good, the weather is actually very cool and gray but I am achieving a lot at work and that helps - I worked pretty much all day Sunday which enabled me to get rid of a big backlog and now I can relax a bit and just try to keep up with the flow rather than panic about falling further and further behind - this is a huge project in Europe and the time difference means that I end up sending out a lot of emails in the evening and then get bombarded with responses in the morning and have to chase all the people that just don't get round to responding.

OK enough for now .. back to work

I really appreciate all the support, strength and comfort that I get from you my wonderful Spark friends emoticon


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAYYVAUGHN 11/23/2013 6:06PM

    You have the determination to make it. I'm glad that you are seeing a counselor and that your husband is supporting you.

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    I hope you continue in your recovery. Sounds like talking to someone brought it all to the forefront again, but maybe that is good. Now perhaps you will be better able to deal with it. I'm thinking about you!

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SUSIEPH1 7/16/2013 8:43PM

    Hi Rosalind .
So very glad you had such a wonderful counsellor, and that your DH is so supportive.
Great that you are taking a holiday .. It will be great to have quality time with your DH ..
Love and Hugs Susie emoticon emoticon

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TXGRANDMA 7/16/2013 3:04PM

    Oh, Rosalind! So glad that you are able to get the counseling you have needed for so long. Great that hubby is going with you! I worry that you work too hard, working on Sunday and all...... Good that you were able to sleep well after the session, it must be working, even though of course, you needed your pills.

Your vacation sounds wonderful! Wow! That will be such a beautiful drive. I have seen Yellowstone and the Tetons and Wyoming, but that was in 1988 and I am sure that a lot has changed since then. DH has not seen it so a trip up there is definitely in order. I have never seen the Grand Canyon though, and he has. We were also wanting to go to Yosemite National Park in California though not camp in their campgrounds as they are not necessarily safe, due to drugs and crime. We will stay in private, gated campgrounds outside of the entrance. Please take care and enjoy your vacation! emoticon

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Journey to Recovery - day 6

Saturday, July 06, 2013

It is the weekend and we had planned a day in town (town is Billings which is 50+ miles away so it is a day out for us).

I did reduce my Clonazepam by 1 last night and I slept until 4:45 this morning - I was not nervous when I woke up but just thought that it would have been nice to have been able to sleep a little longer as I have been used to lately - after a while I must have fallen asleep again because it was 7 when I woke up. I feel that I have made progress by making the decision to cut out one Trazodone and now 1 Clonazepam as well - hat has to be progress. I am still taking 2 Trazodone and 3 Clonazepam but will give it a week or two before I try to taper off another Clonazepam. The effect was quite good because I did not feel nearly as dizzy or groggy this morning.

We had a really fun day in Billings - nothing exciting, we just got the oil changed on the car then went and got the tires rotated at Costco and had to spend an hour and a half grocery shopping until the car was ready. We avoided buying lots of snacks and unhealthy food but we bought a stack of fresh fruit and veggies - the whole day was fun because we enjoy being together and being playful - my wonderful husband has learned a lot about me through this and treats me better than ever - we understand each other so much more and make more effort for each other .. yes .. I have always said this and II firmly believe it even more than ever - something good will always come out of something bad if you allow it to, it you look for and encourage it.

God answers your prayers but in his way, not your way - if you know what is best for you, why would you be praying to God for help? we are NOT better than God, we need him and our prayers are pretty much for us really - they bring us closer to God, they make us think more clearly about what is wrong and why and they make us think about what we really want. Like the flip of a coin to make a decision, somehow, when that coin is up in the air, you know what you want it to be. Prayer is something like that, we think about what is wrong and in asking for help, we can realize what we feel the best outcome would be - there are usually times when we want something that is actually bad for us and God says no. I broke my heart over the man that I thought I wanted to marry and spend my life with - now I thank you God for saying no an I thank him for the wonderful man that he guided me towards and how he is helping us to grow and enrich our marriage during this time of stress - not misunderstand each other and give up on each other as some often do.

OK that is more than enough for today - suffice to say that I am determined to get healthy in body an mind and I truly appreciate you sympathy, comfort and support.

thank you

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MT-MOONCHASER 7/7/2013 4:04PM

    I'm glad to read that you are making such good progress.

A good night's sleep is so important in laying the foundation for the next day. I know that you will get the medication figured out, but don't try to rush it. I think it's a very wise decision to wait a bit before the next adjustment.

Have a good day and a better week.


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SUSIEPH1 7/6/2013 10:15PM

    Such a lovely blog!.
Glad you and DH had such a lovely day.. I agree that you have done enough trimming of your meds for a while..
Let your body settle in with what has seemed to work for you.
Each day is a blessing .. So live and savour each moment ..
Much love Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DIANNEMT 7/6/2013 9:26PM

    So glad to number you among my cyber-friends!! You are a special lady--with a special hubby!!

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AUNTB63 7/6/2013 9:04PM

    I truly am happy for you and the progress you are making. It is not easy and there are no quick fixes, but your persistence will prevail. Your understanding of prayer will also get you through this with God's help. Take care Rosalind and hug DH a little tighter knowing how he is there for you every step of the way. emoticon

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ZZYYGGY3 7/6/2013 8:57PM

    great job woo hoo

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Journey to Recovery - day 5

Friday, July 05, 2013

Having problems with the pharmacy supplying the dosage that the doctor prescribed to me - not sure if they think it is too high or a different order went to them than went to me. Tried calling the pharmacy system last night and they said that there is already a request in for the prescription that I am running short of but it wasn't there a couple of days when I went there - they gave me the other one. You see, I am still stressing about things when I shouldn't be but I am feeling better and I am sleeping every night. Tonight I am going to try to cut out one of the Clonazepam because I was prescribed to take 4 each night. I am sure that now the zoloft is kicking in, I can start reducing Clonazepam but of course I am nervous in case I start getting bad nights with panic attacks again - still won't know if I don't try will I.

Generally, I think that I am doing so much better now but know that the real journey will only start when I start uncovering lots of painful stuff during my sessions with the counsellor.

I thank you all for you wonderful support, unless you have suffered PTSD, this must all sound very silly to you but still you support me ... emoticon


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSIEPH1 7/5/2013 5:05PM

    So glad you are feeling better and getting a good nights sleep Rosalind.
I was on Zoloft years ago ..I also went through counselling .
I am much better now, but still on a light antidepressant ..
I am telling you this my friend, because it shows it will get better!.
emoticon emoticon emoticon
Thinking of you and sending big hugs .. Much love Susie.

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TXGRANDMA 7/5/2013 4:58PM

    So glad you are feeling better, Rosalind! Getting some good sleep is huge! Yes you are right, things may get harder before they get easier. Sending love and prayers.... emoticon

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Journey to Recovery - day 3

Thursday, July 04, 2013

Is this really a journey to recovery yet - I still get panic attacks though not anywhere near as bad as they were .. I stayed with my new med dosage last night and slept till 5:30 this morning which was great, especially since we planned on leaving the house at around 7 - 7:30 to head to Sheridan to pick up Gerald's lost/found cell phone and then head up into the Big Horns to clear a huge tree that had fallen across the track in the winter. Clear that up for the summer hikers and bikers and make skiing easier for us in the winter :)
We hiked and worked for almost 3 hours and it rained and it was beautiful and I collected an armful of wild flowers .. one type of flower was so prolific where we were working and it took me back to our Honeymoon in Hawaii because the air was filled with the flower scent that smells just like plumeria. We got rained on and loved it .. yes it was a beautiful day .. none of the 4th July picnics and such like for us - we celebrated in our way, out in the middle of nowhere, but we had our watermelon and split one sandwich between us and ate an apple on the way home - good exercise, lots of water, healthy food but I feel so fat . . somehow I have got to stop putting on weight and start taking it off. All I can think of is that it is a side effect of one of/or a combination of the meds . Whatever, it is very frustrating I worked so hard to get where I was and to stay there, now I am going to have to find out what is going on and start all over again - OK it really is only a couple of pounds but it feels so much worse.. Hence the opening statement - is it really recover when I am obviously stressing of the little things and yet am so much happier than before?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MT-MOONCHASER 7/5/2013 9:23PM

    Yes, it is a road to recovery. However, from your vantage point at the moment, you have no idea how long the road may be and how winding it is. The only way to find the path is to just keep slogging...

Sounds to me it is much like the Spark journey.

How nice that you could spend the day in the mountains and enjoy each other's company and share the work.

Have a good weekend.

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SUSIEPH1 7/4/2013 10:15PM

    Glad you had a good day Rosalind ..
emoticon Happy 4th July my friend .. Hugs Susie xx

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KEIRIKEIRI 7/4/2013 10:12PM

    Take a deep breath. Research your meds online maybe? Might give you some ideas!

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Journey to Recovery - day 2

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

I am finally beginning to relax a bit more - according to my husband this is a good thing and years overdue because I have always been too uptight, too concerned about cleaning and neatness and everything in it's place (said with love and a smile of course).

We were back to sharing the meal preparation - I made the salad and he grilled turkey burgers - sure we ate at our desks because we were working really late as usual. When we finally finished work, we had a couple of glasses of wine and watched a recorded version of Jeopardy - I was a little anxious as always when the sun starts going down but I stayed with my new med regime of 4 Clomazepan and only 2 Trozadone and fell asleep quite quickly - was it the wine or was it the fact that I am learning how to sleep again? I was amazed when I saw that it was 5:30 when I woke up - the alarm is set for 5:45 now because we have our new habit of cycling at about 6 in the morning.

What a beautiful morning - I did not feel nearly as dizzy/groggy as I have been for the last couple of weeks - it was cool (66) and beautiful and we covered 6 miles (with some uphill) in 30 minutes - not too bad considering we have been skipping serious exercise for a couple of months.

Yes, I CAN do this .. am very tempted to drop one of the Clomazepan but think I will wait until I have been down to 2 Trazodone for a week .. right now, life is looking good but I know that I have a very long way to go and my symptoms are only being masked - the meds are not a cure, just a symptom reliever. I am set to visit a counsellor on July 15th and I am really looking forward to starting this very very long overdue journey of clearing my ghosts from my past - from childhood until a few years ago. I know that it is going to be painful but my wonderful patient husband is going to come with me - he will probably learn a lot but he is already learning a lot about me and has definitely learned more about what I need and how to deal with situations

A scary future ahead but I look on it as labor pains, and the birth of a new improved me ready to tackle the rest of my life with much less stress, fear, baggage :)

I hope that you all have a wonderful day my friends - I appreciate you and your compassion and support so very much - thank you !


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MT-MOONCHASER 7/4/2013 3:50PM

    I'm glad to read that you are finally getting good sleep. That's one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.


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SUSIEPH1 7/3/2013 4:55PM

    So very glad you were able to sleep better. That's is most important.
Great you will be getting counselling soon .. Will be great that your wonderful Husband will be with you and learning more about you..
Love that you are enjoying your early morning bike rides together..
Take each day as it comes my friend..

Thank you so much for taking the time to be so supportive of Colin and I especially, when you are also going through some trying times ..
I also had a very abusive childhood, and as a young woman ..
My loving husband helped me so much too.
Love Susie emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JEANNE229 7/3/2013 4:18PM

    Getting outside influences under control is a big first step to doing the other things.

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PURPLE_ROSE_BUD 7/3/2013 10:12AM

    You CAN do it! I'm glad you had a great night. Just a cautionary note about mixing alcohol with prescription meds ... sometimes they can interact causing other problems emoticon .

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NOTANINJA 7/3/2013 9:22AM


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