It's confession time for me...In the last two months i've gained 19 pounds. Am i shocked? no. Am i upset? No. Am i disappointed? Yes.
I can pin point where my increase in weight began...mid February. Before you say, "Oh Valentines Day because she's single." No and Yes. My oldest brother was murdered on Valentine's Day back in 1992. So when you add that on top of COUNTLESS friends getting engaged...then it spells disaster for me. Why? Because I miss family...i miss having my own family...someone to spend my time with...
i have never thought of myself as being depressed but looking back over these past 2 months i would say that i've been depressed. And here's the thing. No one would ever know it. I only act differently in private. I eat more and i eat junk. I cry all the time. I'd rather lay in bed as soon as i come home from work than do anything else. But i still go to all of my activities, races, work and get togethers and no one would ever suspect that something was wrong with me. I've gotten quite good as hiding my emotions. But i stuff my emotions.
Over the last 2 months i've eaten bags of donuts, countless pizza's, burgers, fries and all kinds of chocolate and peanut butter desserts. Every night i'd tell myself that this was it. That i needed to get back on plan. But the next day i just kept eating as if i had no care in the world.
So why am i confessing? Because as great as i am about hiding my emotions, i cannot hide the fact that my clothes are fitting tighter. The number one place i can see the difference is in my face.
248lbs back in February
I told a friend yesterday about my weight gain and he flipped on me. He weighs roughly 350lbs and i've known him since i was 15yrs old. He knows how hard i've worked and all the running and walking that i do. He yelled at me in a loving way because i know better. He went in to how hard i've worked and how i can't let it be for nothing. He went on to say that my gain may have been higher had it not been for all of my fitness. He was right and i needed to hear it.
So i weighed myself yesterday morning and i tracked my food. And i'm doing the same today and i will continue to do so because i need to.
So why am i confessing? Because it helps me to air it out. I know i'm not alone in this struggle.
This past weekend i completed my 3rd half marathon...YUP all of them I have been over 250lbs. Anything can be done if you train your body!
I wasn't sure how this half would play out. I've been plagued with knee pain for the past month. My nutrition has not been up to par lately. I went into it feeling defeated and therefore sluggish.
I have a goal for 2014 to complete a half marathon in under 3hrs and 15mins. i KNEW this was the not half to do it in. My shortest time so far had been 3hrs and 40mins. I finished this half in 3hrs and 36mins. I basically walked all but MAYBE 8 minutes. I have three more half's to complete this year that i am already registered for, so we'll see how they go.
Saturday was the expo...and i LOVE this expo. Why? Because i always walk away with a TON of freebies to try! I had actually woken up with some lower back pain and i had a free electro massage while i was there. I could have stayed there all day it felt so good! But it worked and the pain was gone.
The forecasted weather called for 40% chance of rain...not what i wanted with knees that have been bothering me. But it NEVER rained. It was over cast the entire race but not one drop of rain.
Like I said, I ended up walking WAY too much but i needed to listen to what my body was telling me. I couldn't push it and risk serious injury. And to be honest, i want to race for fun not to kill myself trying to beat a time.
NOW...while the medal was great the real prize for me was going out for lunch afterwards. Breakfast is my favorite meal and we decided to go to The Original Pancake House where i ordered the stuffed omelet...it's stuffed with chorizo and cheddar cheese! AND it comes with the most delicious pancakes EVER!!!! I don't even want to know how many calories are in this meal...but i burned over 3600 calories during the half so i deserved it! At least i tell myself that i deserved it...
Here are my upcoming races:
April 5th Irving 10k
April 12th Victory over Violence 5k
May 3rd Biggest Loser Half Marathon
May 10th Hope for Heroes 5k
May 18th Disco Run 10k
June 14th Must Dash 5k
July 13th Too Hot to Handle 15k
September 21st Plano Balloon Half Marathon
October 25th Monster Dash Half Marathon
Races i will probably sign up for:
June 8th Wounded Warrior 10k
November 16th BlueRed Run 10k
November 27th Thanksgiving Day Run 5k
December 25th Christmas Day Run 5k
December 31st New Years Eve Run 5k
I'm not where i want to be in my weight loss but i am a lot closer than i was. There are many times when i start to think about how far i still have to go and it gets discouraging. I started with a weight of over 320lbs. I didn't really want to weigh myself and I only weighed myself after i had lost some weight so i don't know what my true starting weight or heaviest weight was/is. That was back in 2011. I'm currently sitting at 256.8lbs. It's taken me over 3 years to lose 63.2lbs. Mind you that in that 3 years i probably did nothing for a year and a half.
My goal weight right now is 159lbs BUT i'd be happy living in the 159-180lb range. I've been down to 180 back when i was 22yrs old (15yrs ago). I still have 97.8lbs to lose for me to reach my goal. That's MORE than what i've already lost to date. Looking at it from this angle it seems so disheartening.
But a little while back i decided to change my mind set. I'm not going to dwell on needing to lose almost 100 more pounds. Instead i will focus on the next 6.8lbs and after hat i'll look at every 10lbs until i reach my goal.
While I'm not where i'd like to be I'm so very proud of where I am. This ME of today is enjoying life so much more than the me of yesterday. I can move so much easier. I can breathe when i reach the top of the stairs. I can live life so much more comfortably than i ever have been able to.
That first picture was taken in 2012 and i ONLY ran across the finish line when the picture was snapped. The second picture was just a few months ago and i actually ran/walked the entire 5k!
I know that as long as i keep moving i will continue to improve and will continue to lose the weight. I know many people would love to snap their fingers and be at their goal weight. But not this girl. I need to learn what works for me and all along the way i'm adapting to the changes and capabilities my body is making. So slow weight loss is welcomed in my book.
If what you see by the eye doesn't please you, then close your eyes and see from the heart. Because the heart can see beauty and love more than the eye can ever wonder (Indian proverb).
We all want to be told that we are beautiful...let's just be real...we ALL want to hear it. BUT it's taken me a LONG time to realize that first i need to know that when i look in the mirror that I believe that i am beautiful. We need to view ourselves in a positive light FIRST. If we believe in ourselves the truth is it does not matter what some one else thinks.
So about a week ago i started back at Day 1 at 259lbs. As of this morning i'm at 256.8lbs. That's a loss of 2.2lbs...exactly where i was hoping to be! a 2lb loss per week is my goal. I hadn't meant for Monday's to be my weigh-in days but i guess it works as it would curtail my eating on the weekends knowing that Monday i have to weigh-in.
I LOVE my perfectly imperfect journey! There are times when "friends" will ask me why i'm eating what i'm eating (like a burger or pizza) and i simply tell them it's because i don't refuse myself anything. Once i start denying myself then i'm on a diet and eventually i'll stop doing healthy things all together. Ask anyone that has EVER been over-weight...i mean OBESELY over weight...and they'll share with you that throughout their journey they ate a burger and fries and pizza and whatever else they loved for the exact same reasons that i do. Here's the thing...a burger or some pizza will not kill me. NOW if i were to eat the amount or eat it as frequently as i had in the past is a different story. My weightloss is slow and i'm PERFECTLY fine with that because it allows me the time i need to adjust to the changes. It allows me to evaluate what i'm doing right or wrong in my progress. Would i love to lose the remaining 98lbs (Yes, I said it!) with the snap of a finger? NO. If i were to lose my weight more quickly I'm afraid that I won't learn the lessons I need to learn along the way. My journey is perfectly imperfect and as long as i'm still active and moving and eating nutritiously MOST of the time...well then that's a hell of a lot better than i was living a few years ago. But then that's just my attitude about it...
It's funny because no one ever asked me why i wrote this because i feel as though i had a little attitude in my post. On FB i've made it known that i'm losing weight, moving more and eating better. I don't hide behind anything. I've even posted what my current weight is and where i started. And sometimes i REALLY want a burger...or some pizza...or pecan pie (I'm from Chicago and now the south!) When someone sees me eating anything that they don't consider diet food they look at me as though i've been lieing to them the entire time. I see the side-ways glances and the pursed lips of those that want to see me fail. In reality it's not so much that they want me to fail as it is that they don't want me to succeed. Why? Because THEY are stuck!
I've never really been ashamed of my body but i have denied myself many things because of it. I think we all have this fear of being laughed at and for some of us it can easily stem back to when we were kids in school and those rotten little classmates would taunt us, point fingers and make up all kinds of insulting jokes on our behalf. But it's time...i mean REALLY time to step out a little further.
It's time to forget what society says is acceptable. It's time to shut our ears to the taunts of people that are so far gone past ignorant. It's time to FINALLY grab life by the horns and LIVE! Why can't we as obese people not enjoy everything that's ever been created? Who the hell cares if someone laughs? Who the hell cares if someone watches you? I am so much more active than most of the "thin" people I know. I say thin, because let's be honest. Thin does NOT equal healthy.
I get people asking me all the time why I don't go out to dinners or go and hang out with friends. Why i'm working out so hard and not having fun. REALLY?! First i take a deep breath so that i don't unleash on their stupidity. Then i simply state that I choose NOT to be lazy by sitting at someone's house doing nothing but watching tv and eating. I invite anyone to go on a walk or run with me. I have yet to have any takers. And as far as going out to dinners is concerned, i do go out but i CHOOSE when i go as long as it does not INTERFERE with my training schedule. You see, people hate when I started looking to take care of me FIRST. Those people in my life that are well-rounded understand this concept. They are the one's that ask in ADVANCE if i have plans or can go out to dinner. They are the one's that pat me on the back for doing a great job. They are the one's that are supportive and don't ever bring others down. They get it!
So i'll continue with what i'm doing because it works. I'm no longer living my life according to what someone else wants from me.