Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I don't know WHY i did it! It's not like I didn't THINK about it BEFORE I did it. But something just snapped and I went for it. WHY????!!! Then i really BINGED...not once ...not twice...but THREE times!
The voices inside of my head are arguing. The one voice is saying, "I knew she'd do it!" While the other voice says, "She won't do it. I know her. She just won't." But the thing is...I DID do it...and now...what do i do NOW?!
I love this question...a year from now what would i have wished I had done today? Would I have just done what i just did? Or would i have walked away?
A part of me...I guess and one of the voices that live in my head...thinks it's ok with my binging today. Binging is doing something in excess...like eating. So i binged today, so what? The other voice inside of my head is just shaking, yes i can picture the shaking headed voice, and repeatedly asking, I can't believe she just DID that...
Do you want to know what I binged on...
Since binging is the act of doing something in excess then i binged on signing up for some 5k's!!!!!!!!!
So that voice inside of my head...the one that was agreeing with me and egging me on to do it...that's the voice that appeared back in January - the encouraging - you can do anything - voice! take that you self-doubting, can't believe that i signed up for multiple 5K's voice!
I've only ever completed 1 5K. AND the person tricked me and then left me there to do it on my own. It was horrible! I was well over 300lbs and I came in dead last and after the awards ceremony ended. I cried it was so embarrassing. But i know I can do it this time. I just KNOW it!
So my goal, as the first of the 5K's is April 14th, is to complete that thing in under 60 minutes.
I can walk fast on the treadmill, but let's see what the pavement tells me. I'll start walking outside to see where i currently stand and go from there...
How many did I sign up for in 2012? 5 so far...4 Race for the Cures and one Jingle Bell Dash in December. They haven't opened a Halloween or Thanksgiving one yet. BUT i plan on signing up for those two once they are up and running!
Monday, March 12, 2012
CARBJUNKIE83 said it best...
Last night I went to sleep crying. It was one of those RARE moments where i'm so tired of going to bed alone. Then all of the negative thoughts tharted creeping in as to WHY I was alone. What did I do? I got up and went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I MADE myself look at myself and take note of the progress i've made. That nasty little voice - I made her shut up!
Friday, March 09, 2012
This picture was taken back in 2007...
I was so sad...
I remember not being able to breathe. Every walk I took left me gasping for air.
I can remember driving into work in the mornings and stopping at MdDonalds. i would order a breakfast meal with a coke. Then added another 2 sandwiches and hashbrowns to go with it. I'd park around the corner and eat. I'd never take my breakfast into work. I would just scarf it down so no one could see just how much food i ate.
Sometimes I would do the same thing for lunch.
This picture makes me sad...
I don't even know what i weighed...i just didn't want to know...
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Yes it has taken me quite a while to arrive at this short stop on my route to a healthy weight. Over the last year i've stopped and started...and stopped more times than I should be counting. But this year...this year is different.
I've said good-bye to the 310's...
I've said good-bye to the 300"s...
And now i've said good-bye to the 290's!
HELLO 280's! While I really do enjoy seeing you, I am just passing through. I may be with you a few more weeks, but after that I'll have to kiss you good-bye just like I did to all of the others. I'm not sorry about it...not at all.
290's, we had some good times. We ate and we laughed. We went on vacation and we ate. We went to concerts and we ate. We went to the pool and drank some frozen margaritas and we ate. Those were some good times we had. But...
Just as i've taught the girls in my life, if something is treating you wrong you need to get rid of it. It doesn't deserve your love. 290's - YOU DO NOT DESERVE MY LOVE! You see, even though you held me all these years, you also hurt me something terrible.
Because of you, people stared at me when I walked into a room. Because of you, the guys only wanted to be my friend because YOU came along with me. Because of you, I felt ashamed and embarrassed when the airplane seat-belt wouldn't close around us. Because of you, I can't do so many of the things that at this point I can only dream about. But I also need to be fair to you 290's...
I CHOSE you to stay with me. I could have left you years ago, but like many bad relationships, I didn't want to see you leave and me be alone with...with what? I guess I didn't want to be alone with just ME. I don't really know ME without YOU. You were my comfort, yet you kept me lonely. You were my security, yet also the one thing that hurt me the most. But it's time we part ways dear faithful friend. Even though I KNOW that you are always willing to come back to me, I MUST tell you that this good-bye is forever.
I will always look back on the pictures and remember you...and I'll keep telling myself that you are forever gone. You are now my past.
Oh and just in case you don't get it - IF YOU EVER STEP FOOT BACK ON MY DOOR AGAIN, I WILL COCK MY RIFLE AND SHOOT YOUR ASS! Because I live in Texas now and that's how it's done!
Monday, March 05, 2012
Have I ever mentioned that my younger brothers wife is a personal fitness trainer? I haven't? Maybe because I eliminate those tormented visits from my memory...all I know is that it feels like My arms and legs were ripped from their sockets the days after I workout with her. BUT i love her to death and I know she wants me to be healthy. Maya and I text often (they live in Chicago while I live in Texas). And she always asks, after the adequate length of time, if i'm still working out. I update her on what i've been doing and how much weight i've lost and sometimes how i feel discouraged. Well, yesterday she and I were texting and she said that she was proud of me and this is my year...and it made me think...
It used to be that the thought of dropping over 160lbs terrified me. I mean, how long will it take? Will it stay off? Will I gain it back and then some? Will I like the "new" me? And then i learned to stop looking at the big picture and break it down into smaller segments. One month at a time. That's where my monthly challenges started. I can take one month and set up goals for myself. Surely one month is doable! Once that month comes near it's close, I think and ponder about what I want to accomplish the next month.
I tackle 10 pounds at a time versus the 160+ pounds all at one. You CANNOT lose 160 in one year and think that it's healthy or that it doesn't have other affects on your body (those that have had lapband and you have dropped this much weight - more power to you - i'm talking about and to those that have done it all on their own - no surgical antics).
I've dropped 60 pounds in 4 months before because i went EXTREME. At some point you need a break and during that break you gain it all back because you cannot keep up with the EXTREME period of time...you see that's the difference this time. This is a lifestyle. It's a beginning to a new way of life for me. I used to think to myself, "OK i can do this so that i can take off this weight." You know what that type of thinking boils down to? It boils down to only WANTING to make a short-term change...i'm in need of a LIFESTYLE change.
In the last 3 months i've lost almost 31 pounds, more if you count the pounds i've had to relose after a short term gain. For me, it's about finding what works and what doesn't work. How does my body react to certain situations or certain workouts? Or how it holds onto certain foods and drinks more easily than others.
I've also had to learn NOT to beat myself up. Yes, sometimes i skip a workout. Or I decide to eat a slice of pizza with fries and a coke. But guess what? I'm living my life. I do NOT gorge out all day. I fit it into my daily calories. It's a MIND change! If I say it's off limits...I WANT it even more! So for me, nothing is off limits...i've just set a limit as to how much of it I can eat.
I weigh myself every morning...STOP. Before you EVEN say a word, I enjoy seeing the scale every day. It tells me if what i've eaten the day before has made me gain or bloat. The scale is in my bathroom and in front of the mirror. I can only see from my waist on up really. I weigh in in the nude. And before I look at that number of the scale I take an inspection of what I see...I can see how my stomach fat has lessened so that I have more of an hourglass shape. I can see how my breasts now lay so that when I look down they protrude further than my belly. I can SEE where i've changed before i SEE where the scale says my weight is at. So it's OK for me to see that number every morning.
This year...2012...is my year. This is the year that my mindset has changed. This is the year that my lifestyle changes. This is the year that I become more active. This is the year that I begin to feel comfortable in my own skin. I own this year...and come 11:59:59pm on December 31, 2012 I will look back and marvel on what a GREAT year it has been.
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