Monday, November 14, 2011
Every morning my alarm goes off at 5:33am...
Each night i PLAN to jump out of bed the next morning and walk/jog on the treadmill...but...
Those darn voices in my head keep me in bed...
Ya, right! Vicky you never get up...just sleep
You're too fat...just give it up
You're comfortable the way you are
What's an hour gonna do for you?
Things will never change for you. You will never be beautiful...you will never be wanted...
Interesting how those voices all sound like my mother. My battle with weight started when i was a little girl. I've been fat my entire life...I turned to food for company and comfort. When your mom and dad tell you at the age of 5 that you are not wanted, that you will amount to nothing, that you are worthless, that you will never make it in life, that you are ugly, that they hate you, that they can't stand the sight of you, that no one will ever love someone like me...those words tend to stick with you. It's 30 years later and i can still hear them clear as day.
Back then, when i was little and defenseless, when i couldn't do anything but listen and take it i turned to food for comfort and shelter. I cried myself to sleep most nights wondering what i did to make them hate me so much. I saw other parents loving their kids. The hugs, the kisses...why was i so different? What did i do to them? It was miserable to never have your parents love you...i grew up not being loved...
I was with my exhusband for almost 10 years. I was lonely. He was the first real guy to ever pay me any attention...so of course i married him...i hear his voice every so often as well...stuff like...i wish i was sleeping next to a skinny woman...what are you eating today...i don't want to be bothered by you today...she's beautiful, maybe one day you can look like her...i left my parents just to be married to a man that was exactly the same way...i was a little bit happy when i caught him cheating and he said he wanted to leave me 4 years ago...
I still hear these voices...all the time...
I'm not sitting in my room crying...i'm not eating an entire family size pizza...i'm not crying myself to sleep...
I'm walking outside...i'm jogging on the treadmill...i'm doing my strength training...because after so many years of being and playing the part of a victim...i'm ready to kick the cr@p out of those voices!
Those voices are a part of a dangerous past for me. They oppressed me and made me foul with anger and grief and fear.
I'm somebody. I care about my friends and they care about me. I've created my own family through long time friends...at some point your friends become your new brothers and sisters...and i love them.
I'm beautiful. Not because i'm skinny, wear great looking clothes and have the most up to date accessories - all of which i do not possess. I'm beautiful in a way that most of the world just can't see. But here's the thing...i can see it and i own it.
I'm strong. I'm stronger then most because i refuse to be pounded by the negativity in the world. I can take your arrows of darkness and still walk with my head held high. Because i am somebody.
I am somebody.
I am somebody.
I am somebody and if you do not like what you see, i suggest you look elsewhere. Because i will sit next to you on the plane. I will take that empty seat right next to you at the waiting area. You and your judgemental looks can suck it! YOU are the one with the issue. You are the one that has no love in your heart. You are the one that I will look at with pity. I pity you.
I am somebody. One day you'll regret the looks that you've given. One day you'll regret those words you just muttered under your breath. One day you'll need me...or someone like me.
I hear those voices...and i feel those stares...but you will no longer have victory of me...
I started jogging this past week (ok, a walk/jog kinda thing). I've always done 3 miles in 60 minutes. As of Yesterday, i completed 3 miles in 54 minutes.
I heard the voices in my head each time i did my intervals of jogging...but they weren't the voices of my parents or the ex husband...it was actually Jillian Michaels...YOU CAN DO ANYTHING FOR ONE MINUTE...so that's what i did. I ran for a total of 6 minutes and it felt great.
I've changed my 100 day challenge. I need cardio. That's the only real way i'm going to drop these pounds. I was doing way to much ST before. So my goal is 5hours of cardio each week.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Yesterday started off like any other day. I woke up to my alarm clock at 5:20am. I was too tired to get up so i snoozed it for a while. I eventually got up, took a shower and got dressed. I drove myself to work and went about my business.
At about 11am I went down to the first floor to take care of an up coming meeting. As i was leaving the department I thought to myself, "You know I haven't had my BP checked in a while. I should see the nurse." The nurses office was right around the corner so i walked on over.
SIDE NOTE: If you remember i was taking BP pills back in March but i've stopped taking them since the end of May.
The nurse was happy to see me. She got out my log book and proceeded to take my BP reading. It was 164/112. Too high for her liking. She bent down, as i was sitting, and looked me straight in the eye and said, "Either you see your Doctor today or i'm calling 911." "WHAT!?" She wouldn't let me leave to get my purse and phone so she called one of the ladies in my department and asked her to bring me my personal stuff. She then called my boss to tell him what was going on.
I made an appointment with my doctor for 1pm. At 11:30am she took my reading again. This time it read 190/124. She called 911! I was freaking out. I felt fine! I DISLIKE hospitals, ERs and ambulances!
So the EMTs came...they took my reading...230/138...they kept questioning me and asking the same questions over and over...I felt like I was in Law & Order! I know know what a non crazy person feels like when people don't believe that they are not crazy...that was scary.
Since i didn't have any other symptoms they said i had the choice. I could either go with them or see my Doctor. I opted to not go with them. HAD i had a headache, been dizzy or had blurred vision they would have just thrown me (i'd like to see them lift this 297.6lb woman) onto the gurney.
Now i'm at the doctors office (the nurse drove me) and my BP is still 200/130...he gave me a pill to drop my BP fast. I had to lay there for about an hour or so until it was in a better range and i wasn't woozy. At 3pm i was allowed to go home...well back to the office to get my car and then on home.
SIDE NOTE: Is it bad that I smiled when they weighed me and i weighed LESS than my last visit?
Now i'm on two meds for my BP. I need to take them...obviously my body isn't telling me something wrong...but i have a deadly killer in my system...
NOW for the real KICKER! While i was at the doctors he asked me if they had gone over my blood work from my last visit. I said yes and that i was told nothing else was wring beyond the BP. WRONG!
He said, :Your blood sugar is boiling." "You don't have diabetes...yet." Exact words...i wanted to cry.
My dad died from diabetes....
I have two silent killers in my body...
Thursday, July 28, 2011
This is a story about control, my control
Control of what I say, control of what I do
And this time I'm gonna do it my way
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do
Are we ready? I am? Cause it's all about control
And I've got lots of it
(Control by Janet Jackson)
Control? We can't control much of what goes on around us but we can control ourselves. We can control how we react to situations. We can control our daily actions. We can even control our thoughts...even if sometimes it's a little fun to let them run wild. Basically, we can control ourselves.
This past week has been stressful for me. Last Thursday my car battery died. It wouldn't even hold a charge after a friend tried to jump it. So i had to pay for a new battery and to get it installed. THEN Friday my drivers side window fell inside the door! Yes - just fell in. They said the motor and regulator are dead. All i saw was more money out the window that I just don't have. I had to wait until today (payday) to have enough to pay to get the parts ordered so i can have it fixed. SO, i'm driving with plastic on my window. BUT since it's so hot here in Texas the adhesive has melted. SO today after work, i must pick up shrink wrap - you know the kind that movers use or that are around pallets. I'm hoping that will do the trick. I can't get the window worked on until NEXT Saturday.
So i had a melt down last night...
I cried. I asked why me? I hate going through things like this alone. I had a pity party for about an hour. Then...
Then i said to myself, "You cannot control what happened to the car. You cannot control that you need to wait until next Saturday until you can get that window fixed. BUT...
I can control the type of temporary fix for the window. I can control how i'm reacting to the situation. I can control my actions.
So i set the glass of peach daiquiri aside, put on my heart rate monitor and went for a 5 mile walk. Then took a cold shower - it's still 100+ degrees outside! It all felt good.
There's something relaxing and soothing about working up a sweat. You release stress, you let go of the anger, you work it all out while you are working out. That's good medicine for ya!
we all have the capability of it.
Some prefer to relinquish control. I decided to grab it by it's horns and kick its bootay!
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