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VICKYMARIEC's Recent Blog Entries

What Happens When You Want to Give Up?

Thursday, February 23, 2012

First let me start off by saying that i am NOT giving up. I've had many ups and downs in this journey to a healthier me. I've sacrificed MANY...MANY hours and buckets of sweat trying to lose weight. I can't just have all of that hard work go to waste...BUT...let me tell you a quick and short story about a conversation I had with a dear friend last night...

First some background information...
I belong to a Home Team - a group of singles in my Church that meets for a Bible Study. many of us are overweight - or at least many of them could drop a few pounds - or just may need motivation to keep doing what they are doing. So I started a Biggest Loser Motivation Challenge. I send out weekly challenges to those that chose to participate. After 7 days they send me their current weight and the amount of activity they did (which is the challenge).


Last night i was talking to a...let's call him "GUY." So last night I was talking to guy and he was saying how proud he is of me...he says this often and it used to make me cringe because no one has ever told me they were proud of anything i did...back to the story...he continued to say how he enjoys how i motivate those that are doing the BL...yadda yadda yadda...

Now he's lost about 15lbs - he's currently about 153 pounds. AND you can 100% see the change in his body. Anyways...the last two weeks have been extremely busy for me so I did very little exercising. AND i casually mentioned this to him. I went on to say how I had actually gained some weight...I NEVER told him numbers...

So - because I can very OPEN on here...two weeks ago i weighed in at 289.6lbs...this past Monday I weighed in at 296.4lbs...OUCH!

So after I told him that i had actually gained a little (ya I said little) weight he went on to say...

"Vicky you know better. You must not have been eating right. You've taught me that as long as i eat right I can lose weight if i can't add exercise (he recently got injured and can't exercise). So you've must not have eaten things that are good for you. You need to monitor what you eat better."


Because I know he TRULY cares, and because he said this in the most sincere tone, I know he said it because he wants me to do better. But it made me wonder...

I wonder just how much self sabotage I actually create? I workout and workout and I SWEAT! I may not be declaring defeat but my actions sure are saying I am. So i've started watching what i eat...i snack...a LOT. I need to control this...

So I will say that since that weigh in I was determined to lose weight in February. As of this morning, just 3 days later, I weight 292. YUP...4.4lbs gone. Funny how some sheer DETERMINATION can get those pounds off.

So NO giving up for me. I just have to watch the voice in side of my head that is obviously trying to keep me the way that I am.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NICETOCYOU 2/24/2012 1:36PM

    Tracking food is SO important! You're doing great!

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JOYEISH 2/24/2012 12:29PM

    How perfect that he was there (& open enough) to remind you of what you need to do & to motivate you!!!!

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ANGELWENDYMAMA 2/23/2012 11:31PM

    Congrats on turning it around! Keep tracking!

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    Awesome blog! I'm so glad that you always take the time to self reflect & figure out how you can change things & make them better for yourself. That's a big part of this journey. To grow mentally while we shrink physically. Great job on getting back to where you were & giving it all you got! Congrats in your loss too. I love your sheer determination! Keep it up.

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Friday the 13th - haha...che che

Friday, January 13, 2012

Type 2 Diabetes
High blood Pressure
Low self esteem
Social discrimination
Breathing problems
Limited mobility


Diabetes and high blood pressure...In 2011 I was diagnosed with PRE DIABETES...they might as well have said I HAVE diabetes. I was also diagnosed with high blood pressure. Both of which i am currently taking medication to keep under control until my body catches up and becomes healthy enough to tell the docs to back off with the meds.

Breathing problems and limited can only do so much with all of this extra weight on your body. I pray HARD whenever i have to get onto a plane that the seat belt will fasten. I have flown a hand full of times with no seatbelt because it did not fit and i was too embarrassed to ask for an extender. So i PRETENDED to be asleep and covered the belt with my shirt or jacket so that it looked like it was fasted. I can't go up the stairs without being embarrassingly out of breath at the top of the stairs. It's strange that i can walk 6 miles a day but those damn stairs knock the wind out of me everytime!

Low self esteem and social discrimination...Like most big girls i'm tired of the "you have such a pretty face" comments. What i hear after that comment, but you don't dare say, is "too bad the rest of you went to hell." I'm self conscience wherever i'm at. I KNOW i'm the biggest girl in the room and it sucks. I have many friends that are boys but no boyfriends. I'm their go to girl with questions and advice, but i'm over looked when it comes to dates. I CANNOT wait until the day they see me in a different light and i can tell them to "SUCK IT!" Now they are my friends and i forgive them for their stupidity...mamma taught me to love everyone inspite of their challenges! LOL


January 12th - Eye of the Tiger!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I can be very honest and say that I LOVE blogs! I enjoy seeing what others are doing on their journey. The blogs of those that have lost 100+ pounds inspire me...but if i were completely honest...i also envy them. I WANT to be where they are at. BUT i know it takes a lot of work to get there. It takes a renewing of the mind. Changing habits that you've had almost all of your life won't just happen overnight.

I want this for so many reasons. BUT i want it for me! I'm not competing against you, or the person in these challenges. I'm competing against myself...the self i've known for 35yrs. The one that wants those donuts, pizza and coke. I'm competing against that woman that wants to just sit on the couch and watch The Big Bang Theory. I fight her every time i look in the mirror. That girl tells me i'm fat and ugly and that i'll always be fat and ugly. Lately i've been telling her to shut the eff up! Look how I no longer have that extra fold of skin at the top of my thighs. See how your hair is shinier now that you've been eating better? Your second chin is getting smaller. You are changing my friend. That old me gets quiet because she can see the changes too. One day i will say good-bye to her forever. For now we conpromise a little. We watch The Bing Bang Theory while i walk/jog on the treadmill!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Wow girl, you are getting this done!

I love reading blogs, it helps give me that extra mental push I need to keep pushing it harder further and longer.

Great changes are heading our way sista!

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Day 53...I hear the voices...everyday...

Monday, November 14, 2011

Every morning my alarm goes off at 5:33am...

Each night i PLAN to jump out of bed the next morning and walk/jog on the treadmill...but...

Those darn voices in my head keep me in bed...

emoticon Ya, right! Vicky you never get up...just sleep
emoticon You're too fat...just give it up
emoticon You're comfortable the way you are
emoticon What's an hour gonna do for you?
emoticon Things will never change for you. You will never be will never be wanted...

Interesting how those voices all sound like my mother. My battle with weight started when i was a little girl. I've been fat my entire life...I turned to food for company and comfort. When your mom and dad tell you at the age of 5 that you are not wanted, that you will amount to nothing, that you are worthless, that you will never make it in life, that you are ugly, that they hate you, that they can't stand the sight of you, that no one will ever love someone like me...those words tend to stick with you. It's 30 years later and i can still hear them clear as day.

Back then, when i was little and defenseless, when i couldn't do anything but listen and take it i turned to food for comfort and shelter. I cried myself to sleep most nights wondering what i did to make them hate me so much. I saw other parents loving their kids. The hugs, the kisses...why was i so different? What did i do to them? It was miserable to never have your parents love you...i grew up not being loved...

I was with my exhusband for almost 10 years. I was lonely. He was the first real guy to ever pay me any of course i married him...i hear his voice every so often as well...stuff like...i wish i was sleeping next to a skinny woman...what are you eating today...i don't want to be bothered by you today...she's beautiful, maybe one day you can look like her...i left my parents just to be married to a man that was exactly the same way...i was a little bit happy when i caught him cheating and he said he wanted to leave me 4 years ago...

I still hear these voices...all the time...

I'm not sitting in my room crying...i'm not eating an entire family size pizza...i'm not crying myself to sleep...

I'm walking outside...i'm jogging on the treadmill...i'm doing my strength training...because after so many years of being and playing the part of a victim...i'm ready to kick the cr@p out of those voices!

Those voices are a part of a dangerous past for me. They oppressed me and made me foul with anger and grief and fear.

I'm somebody. I care about my friends and they care about me. I've created my own family through long time some point your friends become your new brothers and sisters...and i love them.

I'm beautiful. Not because i'm skinny, wear great looking clothes and have the most up to date accessories - all of which i do not possess. I'm beautiful in a way that most of the world just can't see. But here's the thing...i can see it and i own it.

I'm strong. I'm stronger then most because i refuse to be pounded by the negativity in the world. I can take your arrows of darkness and still walk with my head held high. Because i am somebody.

I am somebody.

I am somebody.

I am somebody and if you do not like what you see, i suggest you look elsewhere. Because i will sit next to you on the plane. I will take that empty seat right next to you at the waiting area. You and your judgemental looks can suck it! YOU are the one with the issue. You are the one that has no love in your heart. You are the one that I will look at with pity. I pity you.

I am somebody. One day you'll regret the looks that you've given. One day you'll regret those words you just muttered under your breath. One day you'll need me...or someone like me.

I hear those voices...and i feel those stares...but you will no longer have victory of me...

I started jogging this past week (ok, a walk/jog kinda thing). I've always done 3 miles in 60 minutes. As of Yesterday, i completed 3 miles in 54 minutes.

I heard the voices in my head each time i did my intervals of jogging...but they weren't the voices of my parents or the ex was actually Jillian Michaels...YOU CAN DO ANYTHING FOR ONE that's what i did. I ran for a total of 6 minutes and it felt great.

I've changed my 100 day challenge. I need cardio. That's the only real way i'm going to drop these pounds. I was doing way to much ST before. So my goal is 5hours of cardio each week.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATSHIA 11/15/2011 2:18PM

    Love the last comic. And you ARE a beautiful strong woman, great job really thinking about where your battle with food started. Your awesome girl! :)

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BEINGGUIDED 11/14/2011 5:06PM

    I am really proud of you. Seriously, seriously proud of you.

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A Tale of Two Killers

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Yesterday started off like any other day. I woke up to my alarm clock at 5:20am. I was too tired to get up so i snoozed it for a while. I eventually got up, took a shower and got dressed. I drove myself to work and went about my business.

At about 11am I went down to the first floor to take care of an up coming meeting. As i was leaving the department I thought to myself, "You know I haven't had my BP checked in a while. I should see the nurse." The nurses office was right around the corner so i walked on over.

SIDE NOTE: If you remember i was taking BP pills back in March but i've stopped taking them since the end of May.

The nurse was happy to see me. She got out my log book and proceeded to take my BP reading. It was 164/112. Too high for her liking. She bent down, as i was sitting, and looked me straight in the eye and said, "Either you see your Doctor today or i'm calling 911." "WHAT!?" She wouldn't let me leave to get my purse and phone so she called one of the ladies in my department and asked her to bring me my personal stuff. She then called my boss to tell him what was going on.

I made an appointment with my doctor for 1pm. At 11:30am she took my reading again. This time it read 190/124. She called 911! I was freaking out. I felt fine! I DISLIKE hospitals, ERs and ambulances!

So the EMTs came...they took my reading...230/138...they kept questioning me and asking the same questions over and over...I felt like I was in Law & Order! I know know what a non crazy person feels like when people don't believe that they are not crazy...that was scary.

Since i didn't have any other symptoms they said i had the choice. I could either go with them or see my Doctor. I opted to not go with them. HAD i had a headache, been dizzy or had blurred vision they would have just thrown me (i'd like to see them lift this 297.6lb woman) onto the gurney.

Now i'm at the doctors office (the nurse drove me) and my BP is still 200/130...he gave me a pill to drop my BP fast. I had to lay there for about an hour or so until it was in a better range and i wasn't woozy. At 3pm i was allowed to go home...well back to the office to get my car and then on home.

SIDE NOTE: Is it bad that I smiled when they weighed me and i weighed LESS than my last visit?

Now i'm on two meds for my BP. I need to take them...obviously my body isn't telling me something wrong...but i have a deadly killer in my system...

NOW for the real KICKER! While i was at the doctors he asked me if they had gone over my blood work from my last visit. I said yes and that i was told nothing else was wring beyond the BP. WRONG!

He said, :Your blood sugar is boiling." "You don't have diabetes...yet." Exact words...i wanted to cry.

My dad died from diabetes....

I have two silent killers in my body...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAM0827 10/19/2011 11:32AM

    It's better to know these things so you can deal with them. You're taking the right steps to get both under control.

What better motivation to keep on track. Many people get things under control so they can get off their meds - I know you're going to be a success story, too.

Big hugs to you.

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WHIPPEACHZ 10/19/2011 10:42AM

    I'm so sorry to hear that but remember the best way to fix it is what you are doing... losing weight, getting healthy, eating right, and exercise. I have had a similar experience in that now that I'm actually doing something to improve myself I am now having chest pains and going through a stress test. My view is this is only more reason to do what we are doing.

Believe in Yourself, Trust the Process, Change your life


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