Friday, February 24, 2012
I saw this picture in a blog that is not part of Spark and I had to steal it. I think that if i had someone...I guess two people...that i was REALLY comfortable with i'd love to recreate this picture but with me in the background.
I saw this picture and thought it very much represents what we all have inside of us and want...that healthier, beautiful woman that we are striving to morph into or break free from the current suits we are displaying.
Then there's this picture...
That's what 5, 10, 15, and 20 pounds of fat looks like. Most of us have to lose 50lbs before anyone really takes notice. That's a lot of fat that we have to shed. But if we could place that equal amount of fat on a table for us to see everyday...i bet you we would never back-slide! It's a visual i'd like to have...somewhere that the general public cannot view it that is.
So after seeing both of these pictures, I began to wonder what MENTAL obstacles I need to overcome. I lOVE food...I wouldn't weigh almost 300lbs if I didn't. Fast-food doesn't necessarily = great tasting food. So the meals i now make, the healthier for my heart and bones food, needs to LOOK appealing. Almost like a dish of art. It has to feel special to me...so sitting down to a plate of beautiful food rather than dumping it on a plate and wolfing it down. I need to taste my food...savor it.
I can't just eat whatever I want, whenever I want, workout my @ss off and expect to drop 2-3 pounds a week. My Eating has to be in tip-top shape as well as my body. So if I eat right + work my @ss off those pounds will start dropping off.
I need to continue what i've already begun.
So often I have this fight in my head. Do I exercise? Do I take the night off from working out? About 95% of the time I am lacing up my sneakers as i am having this argument. I just need to continually squash that voice inside of my head. That stinking little boitch that loves to tell me taht i'm a failure; that i'm not good enough; that i'm weak. Listen here you biotch, I've already lost 30lbs and i'm coming for the rest of your punk @ss!
Sometimes I have those weeks where I know I worked out a lot, but I question what I've eaten. Did I do good enough? I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and step on the scale...what happens next, what I see isn't the scales fault. My body and the changes it does or does not make are all up to me. It's based on what i did or DID NOT do during the week. But once I see that number what do I do? Do I say, "Screw it!" and go to the kitchen? No...I take another deep breath and I say, "I'll do better this week."
I determine who i want to be.
I determine how fast or slow I will get there.
I determine what I place into my body.
I determine just how much sweat will pour out of me.
It's not anyone else's fault...nor is it anyone else's glory...to be recognized as to why I am the way that I am. I am me. It's my hard work. It's my determination. It's my fight!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Every morning my alarm goes off at 5:33am...
Each night i PLAN to jump out of bed the next morning and walk/jog on the treadmill...but...
Those darn voices in my head keep me in bed...
Ya, right! Vicky you never get up...just sleep
You're too fat...just give it up
You're comfortable the way you are
What's an hour gonna do for you?
Things will never change for you. You will never be beautiful...you will never be wanted...
Interesting how those voices all sound like my mother. My battle with weight started when i was a little girl. I've been fat my entire life...I turned to food for company and comfort. When your mom and dad tell you at the age of 5 that you are not wanted, that you will amount to nothing, that you are worthless, that you will never make it in life, that you are ugly, that they hate you, that they can't stand the sight of you, that no one will ever love someone like me...those words tend to stick with you. It's 30 years later and i can still hear them clear as day.
Back then, when i was little and defenseless, when i couldn't do anything but listen and take it i turned to food for comfort and shelter. I cried myself to sleep most nights wondering what i did to make them hate me so much. I saw other parents loving their kids. The hugs, the kisses...why was i so different? What did i do to them? It was miserable to never have your parents love you...i grew up not being loved...
I was with my exhusband for almost 10 years. I was lonely. He was the first real guy to ever pay me any attention...so of course i married him...i hear his voice every so often as well...stuff like...i wish i was sleeping next to a skinny woman...what are you eating today...i don't want to be bothered by you today...she's beautiful, maybe one day you can look like her...i left my parents just to be married to a man that was exactly the same way...i was a little bit happy when i caught him cheating and he said he wanted to leave me 4 years ago...
I still hear these voices...all the time...
I'm not sitting in my room crying...i'm not eating an entire family size pizza...i'm not crying myself to sleep...
I'm walking outside...i'm jogging on the treadmill...i'm doing my strength training...because after so many years of being and playing the part of a victim...i'm ready to kick the cr@p out of those voices!
Those voices are a part of a dangerous past for me. They oppressed me and made me foul with anger and grief and fear.
I'm somebody. I care about my friends and they care about me. I've created my own family through long time friends...at some point your friends become your new brothers and sisters...and i love them.
I'm beautiful. Not because i'm skinny, wear great looking clothes and have the most up to date accessories - all of which i do not possess. I'm beautiful in a way that most of the world just can't see. But here's the thing...i can see it and i own it.
I'm strong. I'm stronger then most because i refuse to be pounded by the negativity in the world. I can take your arrows of darkness and still walk with my head held high. Because i am somebody.
I am somebody.
I am somebody.
I am somebody and if you do not like what you see, i suggest you look elsewhere. Because i will sit next to you on the plane. I will take that empty seat right next to you at the waiting area. You and your judgemental looks can suck it! YOU are the one with the issue. You are the one that has no love in your heart. You are the one that I will look at with pity. I pity you.
I am somebody. One day you'll regret the looks that you've given. One day you'll regret those words you just muttered under your breath. One day you'll need me...or someone like me.
I hear those voices...and i feel those stares...but you will no longer have victory of me...
I started jogging this past week (ok, a walk/jog kinda thing). I've always done 3 miles in 60 minutes. As of Yesterday, i completed 3 miles in 54 minutes.
I heard the voices in my head each time i did my intervals of jogging...but they weren't the voices of my parents or the ex husband...it was actually Jillian Michaels...YOU CAN DO ANYTHING FOR ONE MINUTE...so that's what i did. I ran for a total of 6 minutes and it felt great.
I've changed my 100 day challenge. I need cardio. That's the only real way i'm going to drop these pounds. I was doing way to much ST before. So my goal is 5hours of cardio each week.
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