Wednesday, February 12, 2014
When i started this journey a few years ago all i thought about was losing the weight. I had this crazy notion that once i was at "THE" weight everything would fall into place. I imagined falling in love, having babies, looking BEAUTIFUL in the best clothing, feeling great about myself and just loving life. What i did not realize is that "losing weight" and "finding yourself" tend to hold hands throughout the journey.
I started this journey using SparkPeople back in January of 2011. I started the year at 320ish pounds and i ended the year at 318 pounds even. It was an EPIC fail. I would work out and eat like crap thinking that the one would suffice for the other. Boy was i wrong.
In 2012, right around March or April, I received a call from a girlfriend of mine that her BF finally proposed (I mean after dating for 6 years sh!t or get off the pot). I was to be one of her bridesmaids. Uh-Oh! As i was on the phone i can remember walking to the mirror and looking myself over. There was NO WAY i was going to be a bridesmaid at a size 26. So i set out to lose weight. I have a purpose this time...it may not have been the right purpose, but a purpose none-the-less. By the wedding date in August i was down to 267lbs and a size 22. So what happened after the wedding? Like i said, i did not have the right purpose...i stalled...and gained.
It wasn't until August of 2013, almost a full year later, that i was tired of stalling and gaining and relosing the same pounds. I can remember, during this time that led up to me refocusing, that i would sit back and ponder what life should be like for me. You see i'm a pretty quiet woman. While i have some amazing friends, i find it difficult to talk with those that i don't know. It's not even that i'm shy. It really comes down to that i don't want to feel rejected in any way. So i don't go out and mingle, unless i'm going to a friends place and they happen to have other people there. I don't date - when and where would this take place if i only go to work, home and church? I even attempted to break out of my shell and registered on an online dating site. That took all of 2 months before i took my profile down. Why? Because i could see who was viewing my profile yet no one was emailing me or contacting me. I even sent emails to 3 separate gentlemen just to have silence in return. Rejection of any kind does not feel good.
So in August of 2013 i refocused and started really watching what i ate and making sure my fitness was beneficial. Funny how when you do that the scale starts to move in the right direction.
Along the way i picked up a few habits. I started running. Not fast, but running none-the-less. And i enjoy it! I'm registered for 3 separate half marathons this year (In 2013 i completed 2 HMs). In running, maybe because i had so much time to myself, i started having conversations with myself (not out loud - i'm not crazy). I struggled with negative self esteem and my conversations with that inner voice were disheartening. I mean, if i didn't love myself, who else would? I had to purposely tell myself to STOP and replace it with thoughts of the good things i'm doing; the things i'm improving upon in my life.
It's now 2014 and this year i am focusing on my weight. I'm just now at 247lbs. The weight loss has not been fast but it's all a learning process.
Along the way i had to find myself. For so many years i thought my weight defined me. I thought i was worthless. I thought i wasn't any good. I felt unlovable. I felt unwanted and alone. I would just hide out at home and eat and cry...I can't even begin to count the number of nights i cried myself to sleep. It was all so discouraging. BUT once i started PURPOSELY changing my thought process I started to grow out of my shell that i cocooned myself in. I'm still pretty shy around people i don't know, but i'm working on it. I no longer look at myself as worthless, unlovable, unwanted or just an all around bad apple.
I'm a single woman with a lot of dreams and desires. And maybe one day a man will come along beside me and we'll walk the rest of the journey together, but for now i'm loving me and taking care of me so that i can live a longer and more adventurous life.
I couldn't lose weight without losing the self negativity first. In losing the weight I found me. I'm no longer hiding behind the weight - using it as a crutch or an excuse - i'm out there, enjoying life while redefining who I am.