Tuesday, January 07, 2014
I've noticed something about myself lately...I still think I'm that 320+ pound girl that I was a few years ago. I still get nervous about trying new things. I wonder if people will stop, stare and laugh at me. I wonder if I'd make a fool out of myself. I wonder if I'd feel ashamed afterwards. I wonder a lot of things when I ponder trying something new. The truth is that has always been something I've done. That has not changed.
what has changed though is me. I'm almost 70lbs lighter yet I still think along the same lines as that 320lb girl I used to be. After a LONG debate with myself I finally hauled myself to a Zumba class...yikes! Here I am, still overweight snd going into a dance class where I'll jiggle for all to see.
Guess what? I had a great time. I didn't know all the moves. I couldn't shimmy my butt the way some of those women could but I was in there doing my best and I had fun. The woman next to me said that as long as I kept moving I'd be fine and I'd get it next time.
I went back for a 2nd class the next day.
Here's the thing. Sometimes it takes our mind and thought process a lot longer yo catch up to where our bodies are in this journey. There are times when I look in the mirror and I still see that 320+ pound woman. There are times when I still mentally beat myself up because I'm so over weight. Sometimes I just need to stand there, in front of the mirror and remind myself just how far I've come.
in losing almost 70lbs this woman that I'm starring at had stepped out of her comfort zone many times to defeat old demons. Ive made both the new me and the old me very proud. I've completed 5k's, 10k's, 2 half marathons, lodt nearly 70lbs, taken aqua classes, zumba classes and started running. I'm even contemplating completing my first full marathon early in 2015. These are things I never even dreamed about at 320lbs.
so while on occasion I still have the mentality of the 320lb woman...she is extremely proud of the woman she is today.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
2013 held many accomplishments for me.
In February I unexpectedly completed my first half marathon. I had been in training for a half that would take place in May, but two friends decided to back out of the February race since it was only 30 degrees and windy. So a friend and I took their bibs and completed the half marathon.
Then in May i completed my 2nd half marathon.
Within 2 weeks of the second half marathon i began training for the Susan G Koman 3-Day, 60 Mile walk. I trained from May through October and walked ALL 60 miles the first weekend in November.
These were three HUGE physical accomplishments for me. BUT they were not my most prized accomplishments for 2013.
Somewhere and at sometime during this year I realized that i was enjoying life! For so many years i just allowed everything to pass me by. I refused to dance when asked because i thought people would be looking at me. I refused to go out to certain events if i had to dress up because i didn't think had any cute clothes that fit just quite right for me. I refused to play any physical sports because i thought i'd be out of breath and huffing and puffing. I just sat on the side lines. NOT that anyone placed me there...i just willingly went to the so called bench and sat out on life. BUT...
Something happened this year. I got out there and realized that life could be fun if I stepped out of my own way.
I just recently started running and i've found that even thought i'm not FAST i'm pretty good. I can breathe and still carry on a conversation after 6 miles (longest run to date). All that walking over the past year has really conditioned me. I also started swimming laps at the gym pool. I'm not a great swimmer and i have a lot to learn with breathing techniques, but i'm in the water swimming my laps, looking stuff up on the web and asking friends that are swimmers for advise and guidance. I even took part in an aqua class...i was in my bathing suit with a GROUP of other people bouncing and moving around. I LOVED IT!
I'm more active than MOST of my friends. And it feels good. Because of this i feel good about myself. Sure, there are still a great number of things i'd like to change, but i'm working my way to those changes. I'm still sitting at 251-ish pounds. IMAGINE what i could accomplish if i were lighter?! The fact is - that the weight didn't hold me back. All that ever held me back were my own thoughts...my own PERCEIVED thoughts about myself. Once i learned to quiet that voice in my head, i started really picking up momentum. Why? Because i wanted to be so much more than the gil that always took herself out of the game.
2013 isn't quit over yet. I set a goal for myself to complete 1500 miles in 2013. I currently sit at 1397.96 miles. I'm still confident that i can reach my goal.
2014...what am I looking to accomplish next year?
I have a good number of races that i'm currently registered to complete. BUT what i'm really looking to accomplish in 2014 includes:
1) Completing a half marathon in under 3:15 (currently at 3:41)
2) Completing a 10k in under 90 minutes (currently at 95)
3) Complete a 5k in under 40 minutes (currently at 45:19)
4) Be able to swim 1760 yards (1 mile)
5) Start riding a bike to get used to cycling
I'm not sure what the second half of 2014 will look like for me. I've thrown around the idea of competing my first tri...or start the training for a marathon. I haven't yet decided.
What i've noticed is that i've moved away from wanting to lose such-and-such amount of weight, do wanting to improve on my performance. The weight will come off as long as i continue to fuel my body appropriately.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
For me the month of December has always been that month where a black cloud tends to hover right above me...never quite pouring down on me but just dark enough to feel its presence. Let me explain...more so for me than any reader out here. Sometimes it's just easier for me to write things down, somewhere that i can go back on a later date and reread...it's easier for me to capture why i feel a certain way when i write it all down...i need it to stare me in the face to truly understand it.
In my heart December is the month where family gets together old and young, new and well seasoned. We come together to celebrate with one another over drinks and good food. Maybe that's what my heart has always longed for because it's not at all what i've ever had.
Growing up we always had gifts but they came at a hefty price. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother was a stay at home mom. He's often get his paycheck, cash it and go out drinking. How did i know this? They rarely hid anything from us - i mean they didn't cover up their screaming matches or fights - by fights i mean they'd both walk away with hair pulled out or black eyes. As a kid what did i know...i thought this was the norm.
Sure, we'd always have a tree with gifts underneath it all wrapped up in shiny paper...but what was under the tree was not anything i ever really wanted. The games were nice. The dolls were adorable. But what i wanted you couldn't wrap up.
Even as a young kid i remember wanting things like a hug from one of them. I wanted to hear my dad say he loved me.
dammit...even typing this i have to pause because i refuse to cry about it.
I wanted security. I wanted to know that things were going to be ok. I wanted to feel safe. But growing up that's not what i ever received.
My first memory that i can recall happened around Christmas. I was somewhere in the rang of 3 to 4 years old. My dad was drunk...again...and my mother refused to allow him in our apartment. How do i remember that at such an early age? Because of this...regardless of how hurtful he was, he was still my daddy. What little girl didn't want their daddy's love? Anyways, he stopped pounding. My brothers and i went into a bedroom and started to watch tv when all of a sudden my dad jumped through the window from the fire escape. Glass went everywhere. My younger brother, being about 2yrs old started screaming due to all of the noise. I remember watching my dad pick him up and throw his across the room...THUMP was the sound as his little body hit the wall and slid to the floor. My older brother being about 10yrs old grabbed me by the hand and my little brother who was screaming (thankfully not dead looking back at it when i was older to fully understand what happened and what could have happened) and took us to a neighbors place while my parents fought. This was common. It was normal.
Fast forward to my being married. I was with him for a total of almost 10yrs. I THINK we spent about 4 of those Christmas's together. The others? There was always some excuse...work, he would pick a fight and storm out (i don't yell so it was basically him screaming for no reason like a fool and storming out). Looking back he went to spend Christmas with one of his girlfriends.
If i go back to Chicago during Christmas i spend it with one of my closest girlfriends and her family. But her husband likes to make snide comments about how i'm not really family.
The month of December...it's that month that i aim to just get through and survive. It's my "gloomy" month. I guess it really starts at Thanksgiving for me, but...
Every year I look at December and it reminds me of everything that i don't have...
I don't have family...i don't have children...i don't have someone to tell me that they love me...I still wish for that hug from someone...I still want that sense of security...i want to know that everything will be ok...I want to feel safe.
December...that month that seems to showcase all of my dreams that are still floating around out there unanswered and not to be seen...
I don't walk around looking or acting depressed. Quite the opposite. I'm the one that gives EVERYONE a card and some small gift. I want others to know that someone is thinking about them. I try to make so many others feel special. I never know when or if someone out there feels the way i do and i want to place a smile on their faces...even if on this side of heaven i may never realize it.
I'm typically great with words of affirmation. I love to tell people just how special they are and what great accomplishments they have made, because what if i'm the ONLY one that has ever said it to them? If i love someone, i'm not scared to say it or express it...the down fall of this...the ONLY downfall is that my heart gets crushed when i never receive it in return.
Why are people so afraid to be loving and caring? Sometimes just a simple hug can make someones day be the shining star in their ever dark world...sigh...
this woman will continue to hope for what she wants, but in the mean time i'll continue to love and care for others without reservation...
Oh December...we are half way through...
Monday, November 25, 2013
Self image and self worth is something that i've struggled with a lot in my life. Even as the weight melts away, it's still a constant battle with myself. It can be debilitating.
This past weekend i was at he gym with my running partner. She and i work well together. We encourage one another to strive for better. We are open and real with one another. What we say to one another may sometimes be difficult, but we know it's rooted in love and respect for one another. She's a sister to me. Well, we were at the gym and after our workout we were walking back into the locker rooms and the locker room is FULL on mirrors - floor to ceiling mirrors! And there's no escaping your reflection. And i made a simple little comment..."these mirrors are weird." She asked me why i thought they were weird. I told her that whatever it is it makes it appear as though i'm smaller than what i really am. She looked at my reflection in the mirror and said, "no...That's exactly what you look like." I just stared at my reflection and as the tears started to swell up in my eyes i quietly said, "really?"
You see when i look in the mirror i still see the 320+ pound woman starring back at me. Not all the time but a good amount of the time. So to see this smaller woman in the reflection was an eye-opener for me.
I've talked about self sabotage before and how i get to a point in my weightloss and then get scared to actually lose the weight so i gain it back. This is mainly because i'm scared of the unknown. I only know how to be the fat girl. I don't know what it will be like to be healthy and smaller. A big part of me is terrified at the thought that i may be exactly the same. It's so easy to blame things on my weight. I didn't get asked out because of my weight. I didn't make the cut because of my weight. I was this or that because of my weight. My weight became my excuse. And i was terrified if that excuse was missing, and everything else still remains the same then the issue is just me. Then i'm not ENOUGH of whatever it is...for me that's something that i've worked against my entire life.
I grew up in a household where i wasn't loved or cared for. Beatings were a regular part of my life because my parents hated their lives...not so much us kids but just their own misery. I married a man that didn't love me because i felt i didn't deserve more...you get what you pay for, right? He cheated from day one and i kept a blind eye to it. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He used scare tactics but never actually laid a finger on me. My entire life has been lived with this belief that i was the problem...that i was just not enough. I can remember many nights laying next to my husband and him talking out loud and saying things like, "I wonder what it would be like to lay next to a skinny, beautiful woman." I never said a word about it. This was just something i was used to my entire life.
After the divorce i dated a man for almost 9 months. it was to soon too fast. I should have taken time to heal. But because i didn't I walked right into the same type of verbally abusive chaos. So i ended it because i needed my sanity before it escaped me all together.
I decided not to date (not that i really had offers). It was around that time that my employer decided to transfer me from Chicago to Dallas. I gladly took the offer...i needed a fresh start. In moving here i had just me to depend on as i knew no one at the time. This was what i needed to heal and learn to love myself. I needed to find value in myself before i could ever allow anyone else into my life.
So two years ago i started on this journey (It took me almost 2 years of living here on my own to finally start making changes in my health). It was in these last two years that I learned my value. Others may not always see me as they should but that's ok because i love me. I'm not perfect in any way, but i do know how valuable i am.
Seeing my reflection in that mirror this weekend was just another swipe of the cobwebs. The cobwebs are removed so i can see a little more clearly now.
There are things that i do for friends because i know what it feels like to not have it done in my own life. I have a set group of friends that i tend to text every night. Even if it's just my sending them something with no return. It's my way of letting them know that someone cares about them. That someone is thinking about them. I struggle with that all the time. Does someone out there ever think of me? Does someone care about me? It's hard and i often have to battle with my past - a time when i knew i wasn't cared about. A time when i questioned if i were to be missed if i were gone...dead. Would anyone ever miss me or think about me. I don't want my friends to EVER feel that kind of hurt...so i reach out and i give them that little something that lets them know they are cared about and loved and that someone (me) is thinking about them. That's what i want.
Self image and self worth are a battle. Even if you lose the weight we need to work on losing the negative self inflictions and perceptions.
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