VICKYMARIEC   51,370
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An old letter...

Friday, October 18, 2013

Have you ever come across an old letter from a friend or loved one and reread it just to have the tears flowing? I've been going through my old blogs and deleting many of them and I came across a letter i wrote to myself...and i had to repost it because it's so honest...and i can remember hte pan and frustration. While i think i've grown a lot, so many of the hurts and fears are till there...but they are weakening!

From July 2011:

Hi Vicky!

It's been a long while since we've spoken. Maybe I was too hesitant to come out and talk to you, or maybe you were too busy hiding from me. Whatever the reason we are at a point where we can no longer not face one another. We need to talk!

You know i love you, right? You know i care about you. I want to see you happy. I want to see you grow old and be that granny that walks circles around the twentysomethings. I want to see you love yourself and thus allowing someone else to fall in love with you. I know you want all of those things for yourself. But what i don't understand is why you are holding yourself back from having it all. I've failed you and i take full responsibility.

I see you when you cry at night. After everyone has left and it's just you...all alone. I see you when you cry yourself to sleep at night because you are so lonely. I know and understand that you just want to be loved. You just want someone to hold you. To tell you that you are gonna be all right. That you are special. That you mean something to someone. That someone out there is thinking about you. I understand your pain. I know it all too well.

I know your heart Vicky. I know how much you hurt. While your friends just see the smile on your face and the laughter from your heart, I see the smile that you've perfected and the laugh that blankets the pain. You've been told time and time again that you are such a happy person. If only you would allow them in and tell them the truth.

I've failed you. I've gone silent when i should have told you to make healthier choices. I should have told you to go walking when instead i allowed you to sit in front of a television for hours at a time. You deserve so much more then what i've provided. I should have protected you. I should have loved you more. I should have seen the hurt in your eyes and talked to you about what would make you happy. Can you forgive me?

You are beautiful. You need to know and understand that first for yourself. You can change your life. You will have days when you fail yourself. It's ok. Just keep going - be warned that i will not allow you to just sit there when you think you've been defeated. You are a wonderful woman, a great hostess, an amazing cook and baker. You know how to take care of your home. Most men would kill for a woman like you. You are the only thing in the way of your own happiness Vicky.

You are a fighter. You've come through an abusive home. You've witness things that no child should ever have to see. You were raised with parents that consistently told you how much they didn't want you or care about you. You married a man because you were lonely and you survived the divorce. Remember just how much you've gone through. When you do, remember that exercising and eating right are simple actions compared to anything you've ever experienced.

I'm your closest friend. I will cheer you on at each and every victory as well as at any set back. I will wipe that sweat off of your forehead during each mile you walk...and eventually run. I will continually give you the support and guidance that you need to succeed in life.

It's time that I took care of you.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEHAPPY0201 10/29/2013 11:58AM

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EVER-HOPEFUL 10/18/2013 12:56PM

    i agree with what sally said YOU are stronger than your past.do you know what carries me through all my life trails.and like you i have had many and still do.it is the knowledge that god wouldnīt give us any trail he didnīt think we could handle and if god has such a faith in me who am i not to have that faith in myself.believe you me this thought is what keeps me strong and keeps me going.it means i am worth.if i wasnīt god wouldnīt have so much faith in me.he has also that faith in you love.time you had it as well.remember you are worth and that we all have faith in you. emoticon

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SALLYLEE84 10/18/2013 11:59AM

    Wow. I can totally relate to 98% of that letter, it could've been written by me. We are stronger than our past. You are such a motivation! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CINDYBEL 10/18/2013 11:54AM

    Wow!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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I Changed One Addiction for Another

Thursday, October 17, 2013

I use to be addicted to food. What does that mean? It means EVERYTHING i did revolved around food. Friends are coming over...what should I cook and bake? Meeting up with friends...where are we going to eat? Lets watch a movie...what size popcorn should i get? Every emotion triggered my making multiple trips to the kitchen. God i love food...I still do. But just because something is good, does NOT mean that it is good for you. Too much of anything can be dangerous.

I don't really know why it happened or even how it happened, but sometime about seven weeks ago I decided to make another change. I've always worked out. And for the first 9 months all i had to do was move and still eat junk and the weight came off. All be it was 55ish pounds, but i didn't have to work hard at it. When you go from being a couch potato to actually moving your butt, the weight can come off pretty easily. THEN my body got used to the moving...my food intake did not change. So for the next year i stayed right where i was at until seven weeks ago.

I needed to refocus and REALLY learn what it meant to live a healthier lifestyle. Its not all about moving. It's about what we fuel our bodies with. I wholeheartedly, now, believe that what we eat makes ALL The difference in our efforts.

For so long i would eat anything I wanted and then head out to the gym. Pizza, burgers, icecream, chips...you name it and i probably loved it. I enjoy cooking and my passion is baking. This was and still is my greatest challenge. I had to reprogram my brain. I took to the computer and found ways to swap my high fat, high calorie, high carb recipes for recipes with lower fat/calorie and carb dishes while still keeping the great taste. It's like everything else in life, if you want the good stuff you need to work for it. It won't just be handed to you. You need to earn it.

As far as my fitness goes, i practically walk every day. No less then 3 miles and upwards of 18 miles on a given day. Walking is free (except for the fitted shoes). It was what got me started almost 2 years ago. I can easily remember my first ever 5k. It was TORTUROUS! I came in last...dead last! I mean the awards were given out and the ONLY people still there were my two friends and the clean up crew...and the 70+ year old man that rode the golf cart next to me encouraging me to keep on going. Everything in me wanted to just stop and cry. But i kept on going...i needed to prove to myself that i could do it. My pride was hurt (yes, women have pride too) but i did it. And after that i kept on walking.

Seven weeks ago things changed...

I needed more. I needed my body to feel a different kind of pounding. So i asked a friend if i could join her on her training runs. So i started running...slowly, but a runner is a runner REGARDLESS ff their speed. WOW...who knew that running could be my next love. BUT i had to be logical. I'm still in my training for the 3 Day event which calls for ONLY walking. So i ran on my off walking days. Once the 3 Day event is over and i've rested, I will be training to run my next events.

One week ago things changed...

After completing an 18.49 mile day and a 15.76 mile day back to back (per my training) i ended up with a blister of all blisters. The doctor told me to stop my training for 7 to 10 days in order for my foot to heal. I could do other things, but i could not do anything that would cause my full weight or friction on the ball of my foot. So i took to the stationary bike and to weight lifting.

Weight lifting and kettlebells...i've dabbled with them all before. BUT this time something happened. Can a woman really fall in love with weight lifting and kettlebells? You bet your sweet bottom she can! It wasn't so much the weights and bells themselves..it was the sweat dripping down my face and chest that i loved. It was the way my legs and thighs would feel the next day. It's the way my arms, back and shoulders would react to such a thing. It was all so...magical!

So i swapped a food addiction for a fitness addiction. As i stated before too much of a good thing could be bad. I tend to over-do and dive right in to whatever passion is on my plate. The effects of the changes i've made are inspiring to me. While the scale is FINALLY moving in the right direction, i'm more tantalized by the changes in my body. The scale is not my tell-all...it's the woman in the mirror that I am starting to fall in love with..as if i just met her for the first time...I'm starting to really love me and that is the biggest victory of them all.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOANNE_LEE 10/18/2013 9:40AM

    I've replaced both smoking and drinking addictions with fitness and it's working for me. Once you get into that mindset that fitness really makes you feel better, then those other things which harm us are easier to resist. I love weight training!
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SUGAR0814 10/17/2013 11:44PM

    Great! emoticon emoticon

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PROVERBS31JULIA 10/17/2013 11:14PM

    That is so awesome!!

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NPDSLEUTH 10/17/2013 6:38PM

    I'm an addictive personality too so can really relate to this. Good for you recognizing it -- and working toward a healthier lifestyle!

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DRKYASHI 10/17/2013 3:57PM

    Good for You! emoticon

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TREE57 10/17/2013 3:46PM

    YES! It may be trading one addiction for another, but ST will carry you through your whole life HEALTHIER, STRONGER, OUTLOOK BETTER, AND LOOKING GREAT. It is a feeling of extreme pride when we can actually say we did it the hard way! Nothing beats it!

WAY TO GO MY PINK SISTER! emoticon

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NEWLEAF16 10/17/2013 3:39PM

    I have always WISHED I could make this switch! So far no such luck for me - but so happy to see that it has happened for you! emoticon

Sounds like you have really turned a corner - keep it up

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EVER-HOPEFUL 10/17/2013 2:40PM

    you said it girl that is the biggest and most powerful tool on this journey.the ability to love and accept ourselfs as we are and how we will be .so proud of you love.keep up the good work emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SIMONEKP 10/17/2013 1:29PM

    good luck with your food and training. I love me some ST!

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RICHILA 10/17/2013 12:48PM

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TIFFANIE150 10/17/2013 11:53AM

    I just recently started HIIT workouts and love, love, love them! It is making big changes in me, as well.


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MIPCY1 10/17/2013 11:39AM

    Oh, I absolutely LOVE kettlebells! I love the combination of strength and cardio, because I really am not fond of either one on their own. Especially strength. Too much repitition for me. Now that I'm getting stronger, I'm doing them most days without feeling sore. must be time to up the weight...again. I'm glad you discovered them and fell in love!

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SLIMMERJESSE 10/17/2013 10:56AM

    Yes, I've seen the replacement of food addiction to exercise addiction on SP. Congrats on your progress. This is a much healthier addiction, for sure.

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 10/17/2013 10:52AM

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JAROL7 10/17/2013 10:51AM

    Some people WISH for it ... we WORK for it! But, "grazing" in the kitchen is a real problem for me. I don't do well with moderation. When I am serious about losing weight as I am right now, I move to total abstinence from grazing. Get the junk food out of the house. it is not good for you or your family. It needs to be GONE!

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LOSE4LIFE47 10/17/2013 10:46AM

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MAKE it a goal to your future self to be your healthiest...

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

So I want to share something and i want it KNOWN that i'm not boasting or down playing this at all, but..

When i weighed in the scale read 256.0 pounds...i CANNOT remember the last time i weighed only 256 pounds. I changed my yearly goal on Spark. I would love to end the year at 236lbs. Do you know why i chose 236lbs? I'll tell you why...

Back in 1996 I remember going to the doctor, stepping on the scale and the nurse announcing that i was 236lbs. I remember how crushed i felt. Now mind you i had always avoided the scale. BUT i knew that 236lbs was the heaviest i had ever been (up to that point in my life). So i decided to change my life and i worked out and i severely restricted my food. I lost 57lbs in 6 months. What happened? I gained it all back PLUS almost an additional 100lbs because i did not learn the right things about myself or my body.

So i'd LOVE to get back down to my 1st ever highest weight by the end of the year. IF it does not happen, i'm ok with that too. Why? Because i know i'd headed in that direction regardless.







I was at my weight watchers meeting last night (Did i mention i joined weight watchers at the beginning of September for added accountability?) and someone said something that stuck with me...

NEVER wish to go back to the time when you were at your healthiest...MAKE it a goal to your future self to be your healthiest.

I was not healthy back then.

Today i'm learning to be healthier...and i'm extremely proud of that!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITMARY 10/17/2013 7:09AM

    Congratulations on your achievement and on your new goal!
You are really tearing up the track!!!
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SUGAR0814 10/16/2013 11:40PM

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MSGO72 10/16/2013 9:04PM

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NEWLEAF16 10/16/2013 7:30PM

    Wow, what a great motivational quote, thanks for sharing it!

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DUSTYPRAIRIE 10/16/2013 5:18PM

    I am so glad you share that advice. Perfect!

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EVER-HOPEFUL 10/16/2013 5:18PM

    that is a great quote that person at weight watchers said she is very wise. emoticon emoticon

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Triumphs and Loneliness

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Sometimes I think that both triumphs and loneliness go hand-in-hand. They can both cause havoc on one another.

Last week my doctor told me i needed to stop my training for the 3 Day event until my foot heals. I could have easily taken it as an opportunity to just stop all fitness and veg out on the couch. BUT it worried me because i did not want to lose momentum and/or gain weight. So i asked if I could do other things. I can basically do anything that will not cause me to apply constant direct pressure on my foot or cause friction.

So i changed up my plans and hit the gym, started lifting weights and even threw in some kettlebell work - btw, i forgot how much working with the kettlebells actually works your legs..OUCH!

The result? I've lost another 3lbs this week. I'm now down to 256lbs (In an earlier blog i typed that i was at 258...i should double check my numbers, i was at 259lbs.).

Here's the thing...

The holidays are right around the corner. For a single woman, living 900+ miles away from any family...it gets tough. REALLY tough. Most of my closest friends here will either be traveling out of state to see family or they are attending the holidays with their significant others. The writings on the wall this year...it's just me this year. And it sucks. But i need to devise a plan to just keep my head in the game i guess.

Loneliness can destroy all of the hard work i've placed into myself over the last month and moving forward. It's not something that i haven't had to deal with before...loneliness is a major issue with me and always has been an issue. Don't get me wrong, i have a lot of friends, but...they aren't the "lets just hang out and do nothing" type of friends.

Lately i've been hitting the gym or working out multiple times a day (before and after work). Why? Because it keeps my mind off the fact that i'm lonely. I don't want to just be at home by myself. Feeling alone sucks...and it can be crippling.

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be alone and lonely than with someone that doesn't care about me. I was ina marriage for almost 10yrs where that was the case. I was MORE lonely while i was married than any other time in my life.

Why am i writing this? Because i need to be accountable to myself and being able to go back and read it allows for that to take place.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GGJUNEBUG 10/19/2013 5:54PM

    :hug:

I know how that feels: the loneliness. Just being around people, but not quite feeling that they're really there. I dunno how to explain it.

We're here for you, even if not physically, these comments remind you that somewhere all over the world are fellow sparkers who are perhaps suffering from loneliness, even though we are supporting each other through this online community.

Hope this makes sense.

:hug!:

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Junie
100+ Pounds Team
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DUSTYPRAIRIE 10/16/2013 3:50PM

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NANCYSINATRA 10/16/2013 1:54PM

    I'm so glad you shared. Very inspirational. I'd have probably taken the easy way out and not worked out at all. Great job on your accomplishments!!

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EVER-HOPEFUL 10/16/2013 1:23PM

    hi vicky love your first two replies have given the advice i was going to give.another option is booking a singles holiday or a last minute holiday that way it is cheaper.you get to see another place and meet other single people in the same potition.a friend of mine used to do it all the time. you can treat yourself to a week in a wellness farm.or look at the jobcentre if you have holidays from work alot of people who have nannies for their kids are looking for tempory nannies while their normal nannies go home for christmas.you are around other people,kept busy ,get to see the kids excited faces on christmas day and earn some money.you can go visiting people in hospital,old peoples homes(some have families that lkive away or they are on their own this time)or even people in prision who are also lonely this time.visit childrens homes etc.the options are plenty.i think you are doing great and i know what ou mean about sometimes being more lonely around other people than when you are alone.my 1st marriage left alot to be desired.is your church planning something special over the christmas holidays?i just rememberered going once orange picking in spain around christmas time when i was alone.just look to see what is available. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 10/16/2013 11:59AM

    Awww huge hugs.

How about on those holidays that you know are an issue you offer your time at a homeless shelter? You'll be surrounded by people, doing a good deed and I'm sure you won't feel as lonely emoticon

You'll have to remind yourself of the hard work you've done. Do NOT let the holidays pack on the pounds.

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ANNROW0354 10/16/2013 11:27AM

    Congratulations on your weight loss and for finding a way to stay active while your foot heals.
I don't know where you live and maybe this isn't available in your area, but have you heard of meetup.com. You can go online and find groups in your area that "meet up" to share interests and activities. It's NOT a dating group. It's for people who are looking to do different things but don't have anyone to do it with. It might be worth looking into for the holidays and beyond because there are many people who live far from family.
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The BIG Picture

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Sometimes looking at the BIG picture can place a damper on your efforts...even if it's just for a short time.

Yesterday I had a conversation with someone at the office that proceeded to tell me how his wife started running and has enjoyed it because of the weight she had lost. The rest of the conversation took on a tone of, "If you move more you could lose some weight too." hmmmm...i'm good at NOT lashing out, biting my tongue and being polite. So i just refocused on his wife and what a great accomplishment she's been making.

BUT...

As the meeting began i started to play a slide show in my thoughts...

This person sees me everyday. Sometimes when you see someone everyday you don't notice the gradual changes they are making in themselves or the changes that are happening to their body.

BUT i did start looking at the ultimate BIG picture for me.

My weight goal is 169lbs - which is still at least 30lbs heavier than any chart or doctor will say i should be at for my height. BUT i'm ok with that...169 is my goal. I currently sit at 258lbs even as of last Tuesday (tonight is my official weigh-in). That means i still have 89lbs to drop to reach my goal. I'm lost 62lbs to date.

sigh...i need to lose MORE than what i've already lost...almost 1.5x more than what i've already lost!

Here's the thing...

From Thanksgiving 2011 to August 2012 I lost roughly 53lbs. Then i took a LONG break...i still worked out, i just stopped caring about what i ate. Then towards the end of August 2013 i decided to refocus. This is NOT the body i want to live in the rest of my life. Since then i'm down 14.6lbs (I gained a few pounds over that LONG break).

I'm making the effort because there is so much more that i want out of life and i FEEL that my weight is holding me back. The reality is that i'm ALLOWING it to hold me back. It's easy to hide behind the excuse of the weight. I've done it my entire life.

So yesterday i felt a bit defeated looking out at that BIG picture...that dream goal...and all i wanted to do was drive towards home, stop and pick up some pizza and veg out on the couch.

Did i do that?

Hell no!

I ended up passing through Subway to pickup my favorite sandwich (steak, egg and pepper jack cheese on flat bread with jalapeņos and tomatoes). Then i went home and did my second workout of the day. After a while i decided i wanted to try something else. So i popped in a DVD and did some kettlebell work.

There's something about sweat dripping down your face and chest that puts a HUGE smile on my heart.

Why?

Because i KNOW i'm taking the steps i need to continue on with my journey.



Do i always feel like working out? NO

But i do it anyways because i know i'll feel better afterwards.

Funny how things change. It used to be that when i was feeling down i would just eat and veg out and cry. But i've been learning to replace that with simply putting on my workout clothes and making sure i get a good sweat going.

It's not easy...

I was talking with a friend last night and she's training for her first half marathon. She started talking about how she needs to start committing herself to the training schedule. She finds that her boyfriend, family and just hanging out with friends tends to take up that time.

I started laughing...

I asked her, "when do we see each other?" She said, "when we walk or run or go to the gym." I laughed again...i told her that I make sure we keep up our friendship by working her into my training. I did tell her that it gets tough.

I skip out on many dinners with friends because i know i need to be in bed by a certain time. I miss my singles Bible studies because it goes until 10 or 11pm and i need to be in bed early to get up at 3:30am. I miss all sorts of events because i need to be dedicated to my training. BUT you keep up with the rest of your life by including them. I invite almost everyone i know to join me in every race that i complete. I invite friends on my training walks. I invite friends to the gym with me.

Here's the thing i told her...for so long we've placed EVERYONE else above our own needs. It's time we take care of ourselves, make ourselves proud, and in turn we end up being a better friend or people to others.

BUT if you don't train you'll pay for it out on the road.

The BIG picture...ha!

I prefer to break it down into monthly goals.

I used to have monthly weight loss goals, but those never work. So i focus on fitness goals and nutritional goals.

The scale may not always agree with my efforts but my heart sure is happy. And because of that, that voice in my head that likes to torment me gets a little quieter every day.

I need to love that person that stares back at me in the mirror. I used to avoid her. She made me so sad all the time. She was depressed, she was lonely and she was scared. But now when i look in the mirror i see someone that is getting stronger everyday. I see someone that almost always has a smile on her face. I see a warrior fighting to create a better life for herself.

So that BIG picture is on the horizon some day...but for now i'm enjoying the daily grind of knowing i am making better choices.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITMARY 10/16/2013 7:42AM

    Great blog! Great attitude! You are really doing it! NICE JOB!!!
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SUGAR0814 10/15/2013 11:50PM

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EVER-HOPEFUL 10/15/2013 4:22PM

    so proud of you vickie love.keep on keeping on you are doing great. emoticon

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DRKYASHI 10/15/2013 3:53PM

    emoticon plan! emoticon

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ANDI1984 10/15/2013 12:39PM

    You have a wonderful outlook on the big picture and on life. It's awesome that you're including your friends and family in your exercises when they are willing.

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FAVALL 10/15/2013 10:55AM

    You have your FOCUS!

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ABAKER34 10/15/2013 10:14AM

    Great blog! Keep up the great work and pushing towards your finish line!

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MIRAGE727 10/15/2013 10:00AM

    I see commitment & perseverance! I know what that leads to! I also know the effects of short & midterm goals! You realize dreams, goals, and success! Stay strong, Girl & keep rockin'!
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TREE57 10/15/2013 9:53AM

    Now that's what I'm talking about! emoticon emoticon

This is the blog of a warrior. You have figured it out! WAY TO GO! I'm so proud of YOU!

I love the new photo....I can see such a transformation!



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H9LIPPY 10/15/2013 9:51AM

    Way to go!!!! I know the feeling of just wanting to sit and watch TV, it takes a lot sometimes to just put on the workout clothes and get moving, but boy when you are done there is such a sense of accomplishment.

I just got done coaching a football team that my son wasn't even on. It was a favor for a friend. Told that friend as the season was winding down that I wasn't going to do it again. I've placed too many people in front of my own needs and my son and it has to change. I try to get up at least three times a week to run and I haven't done that in a long time due to the fact that I don't get to bed till almost midnight. Well 5 am comes way too early and only 5 hours of sleep doesn't help me at all even if I did drag my butt out of bed.

Keep up the good work, it's hard not to get sucked into the "Big Picture" but know you are doing good by you. And including your friends is great too. I try and do this as well and it hasn't worked out for me. But at least I give them a chance to change their lifestyle and to hang out with me while doing it. It's up to them to make that move though.

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Comment edited on: 10/15/2013 9:52:04 AM

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