Friday, October 11, 2013
Looking back over this past week i've realized something now that i'm a bit more clear headed...I've come further along than i thought.
You see, even though for a day or so this week I was fighting with my inner demons (that bitch voice in my head that lives to torment me with my past) I came out of it with a better understanding of who I really am.
Who am i?
I'm a WARRIOR. Warriors fight in the midst of the deadliest outcomes and with all of their heart still press forward until they are either left for dead or walk away victorious. I've always been a fighter. My parents were abusive growing up (while some kids got spanked with a belt, my father spanked us with a leather spiked belt...yes, leather METAL SPIKED belt, my mother would pull me around by my hair and slap or punch me in the face if she felt so inclined to do so). I could have easily given up on life and became like them. BUT i CHOSE to love others instead. I CHOSE to be kind to others. I CHOSE to bring out the best in others instead. I CHOSE to always see the good in others and learn to love people in spite of their downfalls.
What else am I?
I'm a hard worker. I've worked full time since i was 14yrs old. I was a freshman at the age of 14 and as long as my GPA was above a 3.7 the school signed a waiver stating i could work. I made my own money and paid for all of my own things. All that i depended upon my parents to provide was a roof over my head. I admire hard working people. It does not matter what you do as long as you work hard to either provide for yourself or for your family. There's something about working hard that builds this sense of accomplishment within you. This same sense carries over to our working hard for our health.
I'm an open book. There should never be a moment where someone has to guess how i feel about them. I'm never rude (at least i try not to be) but i am honest, frank and straight forward. Some may consider that rude, but i'm the same in the broad of day light as i am alone at night. I share my struggles because i know there are others out there going through similar situations. Why not be open and honest and help one another out?
Why did i just write all of this?
Because even though this past week i was battling with my inner voice I know i am victorious.
* I've lost 62lbs
* Even though i was told by my Dr to not walk, i was not defeated. I did not just decide to sit on the couch. I came up with a Plan B to keep my legs, body and heart healthy.
* I love myself in spite of what the world may think of me.
* I find the greatness in others when they themselves cannot see their strength, wisdom, and all that is amazing about themselves.
I'm a lot of things but what i am not is..
* I am not a quitter
* I am not beaten
* I am not ignorant
* I am not unworthy of anything
* I am not unloved
* I am not fallen
* I am not weak
All of the things that have ever happened to me, all of the things that inner voice tries to remind me about...they just prove to me just how damn strong i actually am.
* I survived abusive parents
* I survived an abusive, failed marriage
* I survived moving across the country to a state where i knew no one
I've survived and i'm living my life the best I can.
I may still be overweight in the worlds eyes, but i am so much more of a warrior than i ever dreamed of being.
Wednesday, October 09, 2013
I think it's funny how a complete stranger can take me back to where i need to go. Yesterday I was battling with my inner voice. That voice that loves to tell me how terrible I am, how i'm never going to amount to much in this world, how I will always be that lonely fat girl that could only wish to be happy. I battle with that inner voice often.
And days like yesterday that voice claims victory over me. I was so beaten by the time i finally got home that i just laid on my couch and cried.
Here's the amazing part...
As i laid there with tears streaming down my face I spoke to the one person that i KNEW would get me. I'm a believer. I have been since i was 14yrs old. I was not raised in church. In fact, my parents believed in us kids finding out for ourselves what we wanted and believed in life. At the age of 14 i met some amazing people and they had a love that i never had. I found out that love was the gift of Christ in their lives. I was hungry for it because it was something i never had or experienced. So after about 4 months of searching and learning and digging a bit deeper I gave my life over to Him.
NOW...i am no where near perfect. Too often people associate believers and Christ followers with being perfect. I fall from Grace quite often. But here's the thing...He loves me regardless of my mess-ups. Unconditional love...wow...i remember when i first heard of it...it blew me away.
Well...so as i was laying there crying i called out and spoke openly and just simply asked some pointed questions. I can always tell when i walk away from what i know is right. My life starts to fall apart. I mean, i go to church every weekend, but i lost way somewhere of my quiet time and just my daily conversations with Him. I needed to get back to a love that i knew was perfect and right...and mine.
So as i did that a funny thing started to happen...friends started texting me or reaching out to me and it was just a small piece of how powerful He really is. Just when i needed some tangible lift me up...He provided. It never fails.
THEN this morning i open up my email and see some responses from my blog yesterday titled Battling Demons and i find a fellow Sparkie requesting i look up Psalm 139...how faithful He is...
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I will still battle that inner voice i'm sure. But i need to remember I have a stronger warrior on my side. Way too often i allow satan to rule my thoughts but i must remember my stance in life...i must remember the truth.
Today i'm feeling better. Things are a little more right in the world.
Nothing actually ever happened to cause me to beat myself up. Nothing at all. No one did or said anything. It was just all me. I shared some pictures with a friend and she suggested i place them on FB since i've been using it as an accountability measure with friends. I did because truth be told - what a difference 1.5yrs can make! I was proud of the changes i've made. BUT that inner voice started harping on me and making me feel less than a woman...less of a person. I was so fearful that i would get negative reinforcement that it messed me up all day long. BUT there was not one negative thing said to me. Quite the contrary.
I have amazing friends in my life. And they love me. I just need to learn to love myself more and have more confidence in myself. It's a battle that's hard for me.
But i just wanted to clear the air...there wasn't anything that someone did or said...it was just me battling with myself.
It's so easy for me to lpove others. To encourage others. To lend a hand and lift someone else up when they need it. BUT i fail at it for myself. It's easy to treat others the way you, yourself would want to be treated. Yet it's difficult to treat myself with the same love and respect.
It's a new day. And a new beginning...
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
It's easy to log on and just blog about the great things happening. The races, the training, the eating better and healthier...but what about the rest of the crap?
Sometimes life just sucks. That's the cleanest way i can say it. I've never hidden my true self in my blogs so why start now? I put my bad days out there because i'm real. There's never a time when someone should wonder how i feel about something. I'm pretty open. I'm open to the point where it hurts.
In the last month or so i've expressed my battles with my inner demon. That bitchy little voice in my head that LOVES to tell me that i'm not good enough, i'm not worthy of anything good in life, that i will ALWAYS be just the fat friend, that i will never accomplish any of my goals. I hate that little bitch!
But guess what? That inner voice will NEVER go away. So many times i've thought about how i can squash her. She knows my inner most fears. She knows everything about me that i hate. She will ALWAYS use it against me. How in the hell do you battle someone like that?
As i sit here with tears running down my face, because the bitch knocked me around a bit today, i've realized something. Maybe others already know this - but they forgot to share the damn secret!
That wretched inner voice is just simply me. It's me not believing in myself enough. It's me not loving myself enough. It's me not thinking i deserve better in life. It's me that brings up my past and flaunts it in my face.
It's all me.
No one else would ever say the things i say to myself.
No one else would hurt me the way i hurt myself.
So why do i allow it to happen?
It's my battle. A battle that has always been hard for me to win.
I can do all of these races. I can have amazing people in my life. I can love the work that i do. I can shower others with praises and words of affirmation. But i lack in providing for myself what i've always wanted.
I have yet to accept myself, flaws and all. I still see myself as that couch potato girl that allowed herself to get her heart and life trampled on by people that didn't give a crap about how much they hurt her.
I don't always easily share this side of me with others. It's not that i'm hiding it (I bear it all here in my blogs) it's just hard to discus it with people that don't understand. But here...most of us have been on a similar path.
There are so many amazing people on Spark. Not because they lost all of this weight or accomplished some heroic event. But because they are real and raw with us. Those are the people i love. Those that aren't afraid to say that they are lost and hurting. Those that are still struggling to find their way in this world. Those are the people that i wish i could just walk over to and hug them. Do you know how much a hug could actually mean to someone that is down and our hurting? It could mean the world. It can make all the difference.
So today...right now...i'm pretty raw. Not because something happened, but because i wish I were something more.
It's my battle. No one can stand in front of me with their sword drawn ready to fight my demons. It's my battle that i need to face. And i need to figure out a way to win otherwise i'll continually walk down this path.
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