Wednesday, October 09, 2013
I think it's funny how a complete stranger can take me back to where i need to go. Yesterday I was battling with my inner voice. That voice that loves to tell me how terrible I am, how i'm never going to amount to much in this world, how I will always be that lonely fat girl that could only wish to be happy. I battle with that inner voice often.
And days like yesterday that voice claims victory over me. I was so beaten by the time i finally got home that i just laid on my couch and cried.
Here's the amazing part...
As i laid there with tears streaming down my face I spoke to the one person that i KNEW would get me. I'm a believer. I have been since i was 14yrs old. I was not raised in church. In fact, my parents believed in us kids finding out for ourselves what we wanted and believed in life. At the age of 14 i met some amazing people and they had a love that i never had. I found out that love was the gift of Christ in their lives. I was hungry for it because it was something i never had or experienced. So after about 4 months of searching and learning and digging a bit deeper I gave my life over to Him.
NOW...i am no where near perfect. Too often people associate believers and Christ followers with being perfect. I fall from Grace quite often. But here's the thing...He loves me regardless of my mess-ups. Unconditional love...wow...i remember when i first heard of it...it blew me away.
Well...so as i was laying there crying i called out and spoke openly and just simply asked some pointed questions. I can always tell when i walk away from what i know is right. My life starts to fall apart. I mean, i go to church every weekend, but i lost way somewhere of my quiet time and just my daily conversations with Him. I needed to get back to a love that i knew was perfect and right...and mine.
So as i did that a funny thing started to happen...friends started texting me or reaching out to me and it was just a small piece of how powerful He really is. Just when i needed some tangible lift me up...He provided. It never fails.
THEN this morning i open up my email and see some responses from my blog yesterday titled Battling Demons and i find a fellow Sparkie requesting i look up Psalm 139...how faithful He is...
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
I will still battle that inner voice i'm sure. But i need to remember I have a stronger warrior on my side. Way too often i allow satan to rule my thoughts but i must remember my stance in life...i must remember the truth.
Today i'm feeling better. Things are a little more right in the world.
Nothing actually ever happened to cause me to beat myself up. Nothing at all. No one did or said anything. It was just all me. I shared some pictures with a friend and she suggested i place them on FB since i've been using it as an accountability measure with friends. I did because truth be told - what a difference 1.5yrs can make! I was proud of the changes i've made. BUT that inner voice started harping on me and making me feel less than a woman...less of a person. I was so fearful that i would get negative reinforcement that it messed me up all day long. BUT there was not one negative thing said to me. Quite the contrary.
I have amazing friends in my life. And they love me. I just need to learn to love myself more and have more confidence in myself. It's a battle that's hard for me.
But i just wanted to clear the air...there wasn't anything that someone did or said...it was just me battling with myself.
It's so easy for me to lpove others. To encourage others. To lend a hand and lift someone else up when they need it. BUT i fail at it for myself. It's easy to treat others the way you, yourself would want to be treated. Yet it's difficult to treat myself with the same love and respect.
It's a new day. And a new beginning...
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
It's easy to log on and just blog about the great things happening. The races, the training, the eating better and healthier...but what about the rest of the crap?
Sometimes life just sucks. That's the cleanest way i can say it. I've never hidden my true self in my blogs so why start now? I put my bad days out there because i'm real. There's never a time when someone should wonder how i feel about something. I'm pretty open. I'm open to the point where it hurts.
In the last month or so i've expressed my battles with my inner demon. That bitchy little voice in my head that LOVES to tell me that i'm not good enough, i'm not worthy of anything good in life, that i will ALWAYS be just the fat friend, that i will never accomplish any of my goals. I hate that little bitch!
But guess what? That inner voice will NEVER go away. So many times i've thought about how i can squash her. She knows my inner most fears. She knows everything about me that i hate. She will ALWAYS use it against me. How in the hell do you battle someone like that?
As i sit here with tears running down my face, because the bitch knocked me around a bit today, i've realized something. Maybe others already know this - but they forgot to share the damn secret!
That wretched inner voice is just simply me. It's me not believing in myself enough. It's me not loving myself enough. It's me not thinking i deserve better in life. It's me that brings up my past and flaunts it in my face.
It's all me.
No one else would ever say the things i say to myself.
No one else would hurt me the way i hurt myself.
So why do i allow it to happen?
It's my battle. A battle that has always been hard for me to win.
I can do all of these races. I can have amazing people in my life. I can love the work that i do. I can shower others with praises and words of affirmation. But i lack in providing for myself what i've always wanted.
I have yet to accept myself, flaws and all. I still see myself as that couch potato girl that allowed herself to get her heart and life trampled on by people that didn't give a crap about how much they hurt her.
I don't always easily share this side of me with others. It's not that i'm hiding it (I bear it all here in my blogs) it's just hard to discus it with people that don't understand. But here...most of us have been on a similar path.
There are so many amazing people on Spark. Not because they lost all of this weight or accomplished some heroic event. But because they are real and raw with us. Those are the people i love. Those that aren't afraid to say that they are lost and hurting. Those that are still struggling to find their way in this world. Those are the people that i wish i could just walk over to and hug them. Do you know how much a hug could actually mean to someone that is down and our hurting? It could mean the world. It can make all the difference.
So today...right now...i'm pretty raw. Not because something happened, but because i wish I were something more.
It's my battle. No one can stand in front of me with their sword drawn ready to fight my demons. It's my battle that i need to face. And i need to figure out a way to win otherwise i'll continually walk down this path.
Monday, October 07, 2013
I always hear about people having an "ah ha!" moment. And that's their turning point in their lives to make things better, to do things right and to make themselves proud. But not everyone has that moment. Sometimes it's a series of events that leads us to a conclusion. Sometimes it's just that moment where you say, "I've had enough!" Then you formulate a plan of attack.
I've never had that "ah ha!" moment. BUT i have had some amazing encouragement along the way. Sometimes just hearing a, "Go get'em" or "make me/you proud" or "You've got this" can continue to spark that drive to keep going.
I can see changes in me. I can see where my hard work is starting to pay off. It's just so hard sometimes to acknowledge it. It's as if I think that if I start to notice it, things will fall apart on me. The truth is, i'm working hard...harder then i'm used to working.
You've seen this picture before:
I was somewhere between 302-320+ pounds. I guess because i'm not positive of my weight then. I mean really, who wants to know their weight when you know it's just gonna make you cry and feel ashamed?
Now, here's where i start to notice changes. Here's a picture from this weekend:
I'm right around 258lbs.
Here's the other view:
(I needed a full length mirror so i sat it in my bathroom)
So i can see the changes happening.
What did it take?
It simply took some believing.
I can have others encourage me all day long, BUT until i started to believe in myself i was just playing a game. Now i'm in it to win my life back.
Here's another thing. All i'm really doing is walking. I started to run a little, but not enough to amount to anything heroic. I place one foot in front of the other and I keep on going.
This past weekend our training for the Susan G Komen, 3 day, 60 Mile Breast Cancer Walk called for 18 miles on Saturday and 15 miles on Sunday. This would DEFINITELY have been my longest distance to date.
On Saturday we completed 18.49 miles:
And on Sunday we ended the day with 15.76 miles:
This kind of training does NOT come without it's fair share of pain:
So now i'm babying my feet because this upcoming weekend is a 10/8 mile weekend. But i've had some amazing encouragement, loving and caring people in my life that are helping to move me forward.
Until next time...
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Yesterday was and is one of those days i'd like to forget. Do you ever have that day where it seems like the entire universe is working against you? Where every time you take a step, you just know something went wrong. It's like a run away car going down a hill...regardless of how much you want and try to stop it, it won't stop until it has reached bottom. That was my day yesterday.
Yesterday I wish my life were a movie. It would be Ground Hogs Day. Why? So that i could do it over, and over until i got it right. I guess that wouldn't be humanly possible, but you get the picture. I would have said kinder words. I would have given out more hugs. I would have given a sympathetic arm squeeze to that person that just needed a human touch. Sometimes i get so wrapped up in my own downward spiral I forget that there are hundreds of spirals going on all around me.
Yesterday i felt as though i failed. What happens when I feel like a failure? I cry. And i cried. And i cried. Sometimes a REALLY good cry allows me take a few seconds and think about things with a clearer head.
I often feel like a failure, and I know it has a tremendous amount to do with my insecurities...remember, i'm working on that going forward. But i finally just sat there, you know after my face was numb from crying, and I said, yes I do speak out loud to myself sometimes, to myself that I have WAY too many victories to EVER be a failure.
I'm at a place in my life and I have done things in the last year i NEVER dreamed of doing.
Look...i'll take you through a picture show of my life...
Those two pictures above are of a woman that was so lonely she hated life. She hated how her life turned out that she did nothing but turn to food. There's not even a smile on her face. She couldn't see but two feet in front of her and what she saw was nothing but hopelessness. She didn't think she had a future.
The funny thing is, none of her friends would ever know that about her. For her friends she was always smiling. Always cheerful. Always supportive. She just didn't know how to be that for herself.
I was at Disney or Universal Studio's in the above picture. I'm a HUGE child at heart and loved going there whenever I got the chance. BUT my trips were always full of anxiety. Why? I so badly wanted to do the rides, but I knew i couldn't fit into most of the seats. Maybe i could have...I never even tried. I did not want the humiliation. I battled my own inner demons every day. I was my own worst enemy. I don't think three was a day that went by that my inner voice told me how awful of a person I was. Was it true? NO. But i didn't know it then.
Back around Thanksgiving of 2011 I decided i had enough.
You see, i'm that woman that cheers for everyone else. I love seeing people succeed and make proud moments for themselves. I can remember cheering on friends running half marathons and secretly crying because i wanted to know what it felt like to go across that threshold and feel proud about what was accomplished. Thanksgiving 2011 I secretly made a promise to myself that I WOULD make that moment happen for me.
But someone my size CANNOT just start off with a half marathon. So i took the steps needed to get there...
In 2012 I completed over 15 5ks...just because i could. And I found myself smiling more in secret. I was proud of my small accomplishments. I even made them more fun by dressing up. I mean, what good is a race without a little costume...
It's funny how doing something as simple as a 5k could spark so many new adventures. I was craving more. I started hiking. Who knew there was so much beautiful land to see?!
In 2013 I decided I was ready to step it up. I was ready to make some wishes come true. It was time to prove to myself that I could do it.
In February I completed my first competitive 10k. It felt so good to accomplish that task!
But i was after more. I now had this growing hunger of wanting more...doing more...being more...
It was finally time for my first half marathon in March of 2013...
Why stop there? My second half marathon was completed in May 2013...
I love these pictures. They are some of my favorite. Yes, even those first two pictures. Why?
They take me through a journey, a snap shot of my life. I was so miserable in my own skin I never allowed myself to have any fun. But do you see what i see? Look at how my smile has changed over the past year and a half!
There's something about finding your own strength through this journey that empowers you.
So am i a failure?
No...no i'm not.
I've gained my life back.
I'm doing more now then i ever thought i could do.
I'm an athlete in my own way. You don't have to be 125lbs and run everyday to be an athlete. You just need to pick up and go. It's a mind set. It's a way of being.
So while I allowed the day to get the best of me yesterday, I have my entire life to live and i plan to continue to live it to the fullest.
Just to see the difference a little time can make, here's a recent photo of me.
Again...how could i ever be a failure when i've accomplished all of this? Sometimes just winning the battles over that wicked little voice from within is all the power you need.
Can a picture really say a 1000 words? I think mine just did...at least to me they spoke volumes.
Monday, September 23, 2013
I was reminded by a friend that sometimes we look for the next great accomplishment vs. monitoring and taking care of the day to day stuff. We look at the next BIG one! The next race, the next personal record, the next...the next...the next. What about today? What about making sure that today i do what i need to do to get to tomorrow?
So it was self-evaluation time - this is something that MUST be done every so often. It's a reality check really.
My FAVORITE movie of all time is Rocky. I watched it as a kid, i own it, if i see it on TV i must watch it...this movie, for me, is all about the fight within us...within me.
What's driving me?
What's keeping me going?
What am i doing today for a better tomorrow?
Forgot those famous lyrics...well, here's a bit to jog your memory...
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
Back from November 2011 to August 2012 I lost roughly 60lbs. I started at just over 320lbs and was down to about 265lbs by August 8th of 2012. Since August of 2012 I've kept off that weight - give or take 3lbs - BUT i did not lose anymore weight. I still kept up with my fitness...but just enough to maintain my weight because my nutrition slacked. It was just down right terrible.
Like i said earlier, i was reminded that I needed to focus on today. I've been so caught up in my first and second half marathons from November 2012 to May 2013 that was my complete focus. Then from the end of May until now i've been focused on walking the 60 miles for the Dallas/Ft. Worth Susan G. Komen 3 Day. BUT...where's my focus on my daily life?
My daily focus was out of focus.
So four weeks ago i decided to re-evaluate my life.
Why am i doing this?
What's keeping me going?
Why haven't i stopped yet?
I had to answer those questions before i could really move on.
So many times it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive
I traded my passion for glory. There are so many things i still want out of life. BUT there are things that i need to take the reigns in and control. Too many times I allow to be led by others.
Sure, i'll do that.
Yeah, i can change my plans.
You need me to do what? When? Why not...
And i focused on the 10ks, the half marathons, the 60 mile walk, friends weddings...
Where did my life go?
I became surrounded by events and allowed the days to fall to the side...forgotten and ignored.
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger
So i had to take inventory of what i really wanted. There are so many things that i feel cheated out of in life. But it's not as though i can't still have everything i've ever wanted...right?
I want a healthy life. A life in which i'm not fearful due to my weight and size. I want to run and be light on my feet, breathing effortlessly, and keeping pace to enjoy it all and not wonder when this will all be over.
I want to be loved...but really, can someone really love me if i'm guarded. I know i guard myself. I've been hurt one too many times not to be. I'd be a fool otherwise. But the real truth is that i'm scared. I'm scared of being hurt again by someone. So it's been easier to just shut it all out. I need to work on this one.
I need to build my self confidence. Like so many over weight people, we place our value on our weight. I'm not good enough because i'm this size. I'm unlovable because of my weight. I'm unwanted, uncared for, under valued because i'm the fat girl. In some cases this may be true...but if i'm really honest, most of the time it's just me. It's that sickening voice i hear inside my head that continually pulls me down. It's me. It's always been just me.
That voice has grown quieter over the last few years, but sometimes i allow her to rear her ugly head. I'm learning to fight her. I know i'm stronger than she is...she just knows my weaknesses...she knows where it hurts.
Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive
So i refocused.
I really thought about what i wanted in life.
I told myself to take chances.
I told myself that it's time to take off the armour i've been wearing and allow life to happen. You never know what may come out of it. Not everything will be good. And i will still have those times where I just cry myself to sleep at night. But if i don't allow anything to happen, how will I ever get what i really want? I have to be willing to be open to the possibilities.
I needed to regroup my thoughts and focus on my nutrition and fitness as a working relationship. I can't do one without the other. They go hand in hand. Like the perfect union.
So that's what i did...
Four weeks ago i "recalculated" and set about doing things differently.
As far as my weightloss goes i'm down almost 11lbs.
My armour is slowly coming off...even if i hate doing it.
Who knows what will happen tomorrow. But for now, i'm living my life for today. And i'm enjoying it.
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