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VICKYMARIEC's Recent Blog Entries

Battling Demons

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

It's easy to log on and just blog about the great things happening. The races, the training, the eating better and healthier...but what about the rest of the crap?

Sometimes life just sucks. That's the cleanest way i can say it. I've never hidden my true self in my blogs so why start now? I put my bad days out there because i'm real. There's never a time when someone should wonder how i feel about something. I'm pretty open. I'm open to the point where it hurts.

In the last month or so i've expressed my battles with my inner demon. That bitchy little voice in my head that LOVES to tell me that i'm not good enough, i'm not worthy of anything good in life, that i will ALWAYS be just the fat friend, that i will never accomplish any of my goals. I hate that little bitch!

But guess what? That inner voice will NEVER go away. So many times i've thought about how i can squash her. She knows my inner most fears. She knows everything about me that i hate. She will ALWAYS use it against me. How in the hell do you battle someone like that?

As i sit here with tears running down my face, because the bitch knocked me around a bit today, i've realized something. Maybe others already know this - but they forgot to share the damn secret!

That wretched inner voice is just simply me. It's me not believing in myself enough. It's me not loving myself enough. It's me not thinking i deserve better in life. It's me that brings up my past and flaunts it in my face.

It's all me.

No one else would ever say the things i say to myself.

No one else would hurt me the way i hurt myself.

So why do i allow it to happen?

It's my battle. A battle that has always been hard for me to win.

I can do all of these races. I can have amazing people in my life. I can love the work that i do. I can shower others with praises and words of affirmation. But i lack in providing for myself what i've always wanted.


I have yet to accept myself, flaws and all. I still see myself as that couch potato girl that allowed herself to get her heart and life trampled on by people that didn't give a crap about how much they hurt her.

I don't always easily share this side of me with others. It's not that i'm hiding it (I bear it all here in my blogs) it's just hard to discus it with people that don't understand. But here...most of us have been on a similar path.

There are so many amazing people on Spark. Not because they lost all of this weight or accomplished some heroic event. But because they are real and raw with us. Those are the people i love. Those that aren't afraid to say that they are lost and hurting. Those that are still struggling to find their way in this world. Those are the people that i wish i could just walk over to and hug them. Do you know how much a hug could actually mean to someone that is down and our hurting? It could mean the world. It can make all the difference.

So today...right now...i'm pretty raw. Not because something happened, but because i wish I were something more.

It's my battle. No one can stand in front of me with their sword drawn ready to fight my demons. It's my battle that i need to face. And i need to figure out a way to win otherwise i'll continually walk down this path.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITMARY 10/9/2013 7:00AM

    You know what? That bitch CAN be vanquished! It may take quite a while, but you CAN get her under control. I know this for sure. Yes, it may take a long, long time, but you CAN do it! I was in my forties when I realized what was going on and in my fifties when I finally started winning so don't take as long as I did. You CAN do it! Look again at your before and after pictures from your last blog. That girl CAN do it!!!

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INNERJETTIC 10/8/2013 11:20PM

    And know what? You are another amazing person on Spark. You are an awesome person and I order you to sit down and make a list of all the awesome things about you. I've never met you but I already know that you encourage others (bet those folks did a lot better because of you), you are addressing your health issue of being overweight, and most importantly, you are awesome because God in heaven made you. Assignment #2 is to read Psalms 139.

Much love and hugs!!

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MOTTAMAMALOU 10/8/2013 7:19PM

    We are all with you. emoticon

Thanks for an opening your eyes blog. emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 10/8/2013 3:31PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHICAMIMI 10/8/2013 3:24PM

    I can totally relate to this whole post. I call that voice of mine, my Gremlin and I often picture him looking like Kreacher from Harry Potter. I'm still battling the awful things I say to and about myself - I have to actually stop and catch it and repeat that it's not true. And the way I talk to myself sometimes, I would never talk to anyone else like that, not even my worst enemy. We're always so hard on ourselves.

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XRSIZE18 10/8/2013 2:32PM

    Sending you hugs and good thoughts. We are all here for you when you need a little pick-me-up - don't forget that!

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SUGAR0814 10/8/2013 2:08PM

    Tell that lil' b**** to put the shut to the up! I don't know the secret since I too battle with my own demons. I have to tell myself to stop it, realize how far I've come & keep it moving. Stay strong! Sending you a big (((((hug)))))! emoticon emoticon

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1STMOMMY1991 10/8/2013 1:37PM

    emoticon emoticon know how you feel, loved the blog! emoticon

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Sometimes A Small Change Can Make ALL the Difference

Monday, October 07, 2013

I always hear about people having an "ah ha!" moment. And that's their turning point in their lives to make things better, to do things right and to make themselves proud. But not everyone has that moment. Sometimes it's a series of events that leads us to a conclusion. Sometimes it's just that moment where you say, "I've had enough!" Then you formulate a plan of attack.

I've never had that "ah ha!" moment. BUT i have had some amazing encouragement along the way. Sometimes just hearing a, "Go get'em" or "make me/you proud" or "You've got this" can continue to spark that drive to keep going.

I can see changes in me. I can see where my hard work is starting to pay off. It's just so hard sometimes to acknowledge it. It's as if I think that if I start to notice it, things will fall apart on me. The truth is, i'm working hard...harder then i'm used to working.

You've seen this picture before:

I was somewhere between 302-320+ pounds. I guess because i'm not positive of my weight then. I mean really, who wants to know their weight when you know it's just gonna make you cry and feel ashamed?

Now, here's where i start to notice changes. Here's a picture from this weekend:

I'm right around 258lbs.

Here's the other view:

(I needed a full length mirror so i sat it in my bathroom)

So i can see the changes happening.

What did it take?


It simply took some believing.

I can have others encourage me all day long, BUT until i started to believe in myself i was just playing a game. Now i'm in it to win my life back.

Here's another thing. All i'm really doing is walking. I started to run a little, but not enough to amount to anything heroic. I place one foot in front of the other and I keep on going.

This past weekend our training for the Susan G Komen, 3 day, 60 Mile Breast Cancer Walk called for 18 miles on Saturday and 15 miles on Sunday. This would DEFINITELY have been my longest distance to date.


On Saturday we completed 18.49 miles:

And on Sunday we ended the day with 15.76 miles:

This kind of training does NOT come without it's fair share of pain:

So now i'm babying my feet because this upcoming weekend is a 10/8 mile weekend. But i've had some amazing encouragement, loving and caring people in my life that are helping to move me forward.

Until next time...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITMARY 10/8/2013 5:08AM

    Wow! Your pictures really show how hard you've been working! Awesome!!!
And you're right: we just have to keep walking!
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SUGAR0814 10/7/2013 10:28PM

    O wow! That's a lot of running! emoticon emoticon

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BERTAS_JOURNEY 10/7/2013 2:12PM

    Oh gosh you are AMAZING!!! Congratulations on all your success. Keep up the awesome work.

I live now where you once were. People encouraging me, doing challenges here and there but nothing works. Nothing motivates me enough to get my behind in gear. At the end of the day I have to be responsible for myself and not count on others, because when it really comes down to it... I'm the only one that can change anything.

Thanks for the wonderful reminder... emoticon

You are emoticon

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    I'm so proud of you! I can really see a difference in your progress pics.

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PINKYYSUEE 10/7/2013 1:47PM

    WOW! you can definitely see the difference! Good job!!

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NIKKICOLE83 10/7/2013 1:32PM

    I am SUPER Proud of you! 18 miles is INSANE but YOU DID IT!! You don't have to be a runner to be a success. Running helps the weight come off at a faster rate but becuase it is all cardio, you also burn some muscle along with the fat. That is why many times you will see runners who are slim but still look loose. Walking is a fat burner and muscle builder. You do lose the weight more slowly but you tone up. And by the way, you have made HUGE progress. emoticon

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SEAJESS 10/7/2013 1:07PM

    Wow. You are amazing, just amazing!

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Your courage to overcome your fears, to look at yourself exactly where you are and to overcome your fears and negative thoughts and to BELIEVE in yourself inspired me and made me cry. Thank you for that gift.

AND, as you said, the key is to believe in your heart that you are worth it and that emoticon.

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I believe after what you've achieved that you can do anything you set your mind and heart to doing. emoticon

That last picture of you is WONDERFUL! You look radiant!!!

Comment edited on: 10/7/2013 1:08:07 PM

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KROLES55 10/7/2013 1:01PM

    You are doing an amazing job and making great progress...

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DANCIN2ANEWME 10/7/2013 11:58AM

    Amazing Vicky! You really motivate me to get moving!! emoticon emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 10/7/2013 11:39AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HOLISTIC5 10/7/2013 11:29AM

    emoticon both to your weight lose and doing the 3Day !!!!! And thank you for doing the walk- I am a breast cancer survivor emoticon emoticon

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XANA97 10/7/2013 11:21AM go! It sounds like you're making terrific progress and your walking is wonderful! Take care of your sweet feet, I bet that they were calling out after your big weekend. Best wishes to you for your continued success :)

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NOTANINJA 10/7/2013 11:17AM

    Very inspiring! emoticon

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ALICEART2010 10/7/2013 11:16AM

    You look great!

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A Picture CAN Say a 1000 Words

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Yesterday was and is one of those days i'd like to forget. Do you ever have that day where it seems like the entire universe is working against you? Where every time you take a step, you just know something went wrong. It's like a run away car going down a hill...regardless of how much you want and try to stop it, it won't stop until it has reached bottom. That was my day yesterday.

Yesterday I wish my life were a movie. It would be Ground Hogs Day. Why? So that i could do it over, and over until i got it right. I guess that wouldn't be humanly possible, but you get the picture. I would have said kinder words. I would have given out more hugs. I would have given a sympathetic arm squeeze to that person that just needed a human touch. Sometimes i get so wrapped up in my own downward spiral I forget that there are hundreds of spirals going on all around me.

Yesterday i felt as though i failed. What happens when I feel like a failure? I cry. And i cried. And i cried. Sometimes a REALLY good cry allows me take a few seconds and think about things with a clearer head.

I often feel like a failure, and I know it has a tremendous amount to do with my insecurities...remember, i'm working on that going forward. But i finally just sat there, you know after my face was numb from crying, and I said, yes I do speak out loud to myself sometimes, to myself that I have WAY too many victories to EVER be a failure.

I'm at a place in my life and I have done things in the last year i NEVER dreamed of doing.

Look...i'll take you through a picture show of my life...

Those two pictures above are of a woman that was so lonely she hated life. She hated how her life turned out that she did nothing but turn to food. There's not even a smile on her face. She couldn't see but two feet in front of her and what she saw was nothing but hopelessness. She didn't think she had a future.

The funny thing is, none of her friends would ever know that about her. For her friends she was always smiling. Always cheerful. Always supportive. She just didn't know how to be that for herself.

I was at Disney or Universal Studio's in the above picture. I'm a HUGE child at heart and loved going there whenever I got the chance. BUT my trips were always full of anxiety. Why? I so badly wanted to do the rides, but I knew i couldn't fit into most of the seats. Maybe i could have...I never even tried. I did not want the humiliation. I battled my own inner demons every day. I was my own worst enemy. I don't think three was a day that went by that my inner voice told me how awful of a person I was. Was it true? NO. But i didn't know it then.

Something happened...

Back around Thanksgiving of 2011 I decided i had enough.

You see, i'm that woman that cheers for everyone else. I love seeing people succeed and make proud moments for themselves. I can remember cheering on friends running half marathons and secretly crying because i wanted to know what it felt like to go across that threshold and feel proud about what was accomplished. Thanksgiving 2011 I secretly made a promise to myself that I WOULD make that moment happen for me.

But someone my size CANNOT just start off with a half marathon. So i took the steps needed to get there...

In 2012 I completed over 15 5ks...just because i could. And I found myself smiling more in secret. I was proud of my small accomplishments. I even made them more fun by dressing up. I mean, what good is a race without a little costume...

It's funny how doing something as simple as a 5k could spark so many new adventures. I was craving more. I started hiking. Who knew there was so much beautiful land to see?!

In 2013 I decided I was ready to step it up. I was ready to make some wishes come true. It was time to prove to myself that I could do it.

In February I completed my first competitive 10k. It felt so good to accomplish that task!

But i was after more. I now had this growing hunger of wanting more...doing more...being more...

It was finally time for my first half marathon in March of 2013...

Why stop there? My second half marathon was completed in May 2013...

I love these pictures. They are some of my favorite. Yes, even those first two pictures. Why?

They take me through a journey, a snap shot of my life. I was so miserable in my own skin I never allowed myself to have any fun. But do you see what i see? Look at how my smile has changed over the past year and a half!

There's something about finding your own strength through this journey that empowers you.

So am i a failure? i'm not.

I've gained my life back.

I'm doing more now then i ever thought i could do.

I'm an athlete in my own way. You don't have to be 125lbs and run everyday to be an athlete. You just need to pick up and go. It's a mind set. It's a way of being.

So while I allowed the day to get the best of me yesterday, I have my entire life to live and i plan to continue to live it to the fullest.

Just to see the difference a little time can make, here's a recent photo of me. could i ever be a failure when i've accomplished all of this? Sometimes just winning the battles over that wicked little voice from within is all the power you need.

Can a picture really say a 1000 words? I think mine just least to me they spoke volumes.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DANCIN2ANEWME 9/29/2013 1:11PM

    You look wonderful!! I can't believe the benefits of doing what we are doing! It is not just the weight loss it is all about taking back what we have lost!

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SUCCESSN2014 9/28/2013 8:40PM

    emoticon emoticon

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-THINQ- 9/27/2013 5:33PM

    absolutely FABULOUS, sparkie!
i hope you won't mind if i 'friend' ya; we all need people like you to look up to!

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FOXY-NESS 9/27/2013 12:38PM

    What a great blog! I am so glad you shared this. I am really glad you found that beautiful smile too!! Keep going girl!! You can do it!! emoticon emoticon Think PINK to shrink!!

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FITMARY 9/27/2013 7:03AM

    Nice blog and great progress! Don't stop!!! WOO HOO!

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    Tears streaming down my cheeks. Bravo for facing and overcoming the demons. For being your OWN best advocate and emoticon Your journey of multitudes of steps has only just begun! Can't wait to hear what your next adventure is! emoticon emoticon

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MESEATURTLE 9/27/2013 1:52AM

    Simply AWESOME!!!!

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SUGAR0814 9/26/2013 10:19PM

    You are doing great! We all have those bad days every once in a while. I'm glad you decided to keep it moving! emoticon

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LADYBUG1943 9/26/2013 8:45PM

    Seeing your smile makes me wish you were my friend. You certainly have a sparkle in your eyes. Every one goes through bad days, but you clearly have the tools to weather through, to put your big rain boots on and just slog through the mud in your way.

Big Way To Go for you!


Comment edited on: 9/26/2013 8:46:11 PM

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TREE57 9/26/2013 7:29PM


You are my inspiration. You have tackled the demons and SURVIVED.
You are an incredible athlete and are the epitome of this saying:

Cowards NEVER start
The Weak NEVER finish
Winners NEVER Quit

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Comment edited on: 9/26/2013 7:30:00 PM

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JESSAAMI 9/26/2013 5:46PM

    Awesome, your transformation is amazing! emoticon

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NEWLEAF16 9/26/2013 5:02PM

    Love This! Love to see those smiles!! emoticon emoticon

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TOPPROSS 9/26/2013 4:58PM

    Great blog entry - well done, you look fantastic. Great job. emoticon

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BEBOP4ME 9/26/2013 4:50PM

    A failure is someone that doesn't even try. A failure is someone that gives up and never tries again. I think a failure is the last thing you are. You might have had a down day, you might have taken a step back, but you are here and working to get healthy. A success is not someone who is perfect. Every person that has had success knows that often their are awful days. Days so bad you cry and berate yourself. But a success knows you just pick yourself up and try try again. I think you look like a success. Look at all the progress you have made! Look at all the new things you can do that you couldn't do before you started. Focus on the positives, recharge and keep pushing. Because I know you are not a failure!

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TRUNKJUNK 9/26/2013 4:47PM

    Great Blog emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 9/26/2013 4:32PM

    and they spoke volumns to me to love.especially the first two you know what i see in those first two photos vicky love? not the failure you see there i see a very brave and courageous women even if she seems a bit sad and lonely.brave and couragous enough not only to have her photo taken with little clothes on but to be brave enough to post out here in the open like you have.i know loads of people in a size 2 or 4 who havenīt even the guts to do that.i see a person who has opened her eyes,made a discion and done what it takes to carry that desicion through.that person has something to be proud of like i am proud of her who you were and who you are now love.keep on keeping on you are doing a great job and you know what everyone has a bad day every now and one is perfect after all we are not god. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SMERTZ 9/26/2013 4:10PM

    You are proof that what does kill us makes us stronger and you my dear are quite strong. Thank you for sharing you adventure with us. emoticon

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FANCYSIMAGES 9/26/2013 3:42PM

    emoticon Excellent post!

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    What a wonderful post!

Thank you for sharing your progress! I am so glad you are doing for yourself what you were doing for others!

Wishing you more and more joy in the days ahead!

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KIMBAJL 9/26/2013 3:26PM

    I LOVED reading your blog! You are an inspiration. Please keep up the great work and remember to keep loving yourself. Thank you for putting a smile on my face. emoticon

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BELLSES 9/26/2013 3:21PM

    This was very inspirational! I got a little teary reading it. Congratulations on all you've accomplished!

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KIMMIG133 9/26/2013 3:12PM

    emoticon REALLY good blog!!!

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PROPMAN1 9/26/2013 3:09PM

  You go girl!! Be proud. You have done what many wish they could. CONGRATULATIONS ON A JOB WELL DONE!!!!! emoticon

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MURPHI13 9/26/2013 3:08PM

  Great blog and you're absolutely right. You've accomplished so much and have even more to be proud of.

Great job

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PINKYYSUEE 9/26/2013 3:07PM

    That was an AWESOME blog! It touched me and made me cry a little...I am so very proud of you! You have done so awesome!

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ABAKER34 9/26/2013 3:04PM

    What an awesome blog! Thanks for taking the time to put this together, this really shows in pictures what this has done to your self esteem and pride, your face alone is saying a million words! You have done an amazing job and should be so proud of yourself, and thanks for being such a big motivation for us all! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GODDREAMDIVA1 9/26/2013 3:03PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Keepin My Eyes on the Prize

Monday, September 23, 2013

I was reminded by a friend that sometimes we look for the next great accomplishment vs. monitoring and taking care of the day to day stuff. We look at the next BIG one! The next race, the next personal record, the next...the next...the next. What about today? What about making sure that today i do what i need to do to get to tomorrow?

So it was self-evaluation time - this is something that MUST be done every so often. It's a reality check really.

My FAVORITE movie of all time is Rocky. I watched it as a kid, i own it, if i see it on TV i must watch it...this movie, for me, is all about the fight within us...within me.

What's driving me?

What's keeping me going?

What am i doing today for a better tomorrow?

Forgot those famous lyrics...well, here's a bit to jog your memory...

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

Back from November 2011 to August 2012 I lost roughly 60lbs. I started at just over 320lbs and was down to about 265lbs by August 8th of 2012. Since August of 2012 I've kept off that weight - give or take 3lbs - BUT i did not lose anymore weight. I still kept up with my fitness...but just enough to maintain my weight because my nutrition slacked. It was just down right terrible.

Like i said earlier, i was reminded that I needed to focus on today. I've been so caught up in my first and second half marathons from November 2012 to May 2013 that was my complete focus. Then from the end of May until now i've been focused on walking the 60 miles for the Dallas/Ft. Worth Susan G. Komen 3 Day. BUT...where's my focus on my daily life?

My daily focus was out of focus.

So four weeks ago i decided to re-evaluate my life.

Why am i doing this?

What's keeping me going?

Why haven't i stopped yet?

I had to answer those questions before i could really move on.

So many times it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

I traded my passion for glory. There are so many things i still want out of life. BUT there are things that i need to take the reigns in and control. Too many times I allow to be led by others.

Sure, i'll do that.

Yeah, i can change my plans.

You need me to do what? When? Why not...

And i focused on the 10ks, the half marathons, the 60 mile walk, friends weddings...

Where did my life go?

I became surrounded by events and allowed the days to fall to the side...forgotten and ignored.

It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all with the eye of the tiger

So i had to take inventory of what i really wanted. There are so many things that i feel cheated out of in life. But it's not as though i can't still have everything i've ever wanted...right?

I want a healthy life. A life in which i'm not fearful due to my weight and size. I want to run and be light on my feet, breathing effortlessly, and keeping pace to enjoy it all and not wonder when this will all be over.

I want to be loved...but really, can someone really love me if i'm guarded. I know i guard myself. I've been hurt one too many times not to be. I'd be a fool otherwise. But the real truth is that i'm scared. I'm scared of being hurt again by someone. So it's been easier to just shut it all out. I need to work on this one.

I need to build my self confidence. Like so many over weight people, we place our value on our weight. I'm not good enough because i'm this size. I'm unlovable because of my weight. I'm unwanted, uncared for, under valued because i'm the fat girl. In some cases this may be true...but if i'm really honest, most of the time it's just me. It's that sickening voice i hear inside my head that continually pulls me down. It's me. It's always been just me.

That voice has grown quieter over the last few years, but sometimes i allow her to rear her ugly head. I'm learning to fight her. I know i'm stronger than she is...she just knows my weaknesses...she knows where it hurts.

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive

So i refocused.

I really thought about what i wanted in life.

I told myself to take chances.

I told myself that it's time to take off the armour i've been wearing and allow life to happen. You never know what may come out of it. Not everything will be good. And i will still have those times where I just cry myself to sleep at night. But if i don't allow anything to happen, how will I ever get what i really want? I have to be willing to be open to the possibilities.

I needed to regroup my thoughts and focus on my nutrition and fitness as a working relationship. I can't do one without the other. They go hand in hand. Like the perfect union.

So that's what i did...

Four weeks ago i "recalculated" and set about doing things differently.

What's transpired?

As far as my weightloss goes i'm down almost 11lbs.

My armour is slowly coming off...even if i hate doing it.

Who knows what will happen tomorrow. But for now, i'm living my life for today. And i'm enjoying it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 9/25/2013 1:07PM

    YOU ROCK! I love Rocky too.

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    Awesome post :)

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FITMARY 9/24/2013 6:58AM

    Great blog and very cute new picture! Good for you!!!

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PRETTYPITHY 9/23/2013 10:19PM

    Good for you! I need to refocus as well. We should be so proud of our weight loss accomplishments and so excited to continue on the journey! emoticon

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SUGAR0814 9/23/2013 10:05PM

    emoticon Stay focused!

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BEBOP4ME 9/23/2013 4:24PM

    You are doing the right things! Finding the motivation to lose again. But also celebrate that you maintained for a while. Most of us have a lot of trouble with that one. Now you know you can do it! emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 9/23/2013 3:25PM

    wow 11lbs in 4 weeks that is totally awesome vicky.we didnīt get the weight and way we were without some emotional reasons etc sometimes we have to look back and face our fears to be able to look and go forward.the fact that you now realise that makes it easier to put it into action.i know you can do this and i am so proud of you for reckonising where you need to go from here and for doing something towards that are one of my heros love.keep on keeping on emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MIRAGE727 9/23/2013 3:21PM

    Stay strong, stay focused, & yell if you need anything! I'm betting on you, VICKYMARIE!

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ABAKER34 9/23/2013 2:32PM

    Great blog, from one Rocky fan to another (and by the way, there was a Rocky documentary on this weekend about the making of all 6 Rocky's, so you know I was all over that!). You are doing an awesome job, keep up all of your hard work! emoticon

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Picture Meltdown...

Friday, September 20, 2013

Do you ever have one of those days where everything is going along quite smoothly and then BAM! Something knocks you on your behind in a split second. Well...that's how my Wednesday panned out.

Back in August I went on a Bachelorette girls weekend and everyone took photos. The maid of honor collected all of the pictures and gave each of us a flash drive with all the photos. Great, right? WRONG! So VERY, VERY wrong...

When you take a photo of yourself - even when you can point out all of the flaws - you try to ensure it is somewhat flattering. WELL...these pictures from the other ladies were NOT at all flattering...besides what we were actually doing, the many, many facial expressions and poses they caught me in where a bit disheartening. It crushed my heart actually...I thought i was further along but when i looked at those photos i was right back to square one... I actually ended up closing up and ignoring everybody that day. Why? Because everything would have been negative. I CAN say that back in the day i would have ordered a large jalapeņo pizza and gone to town. Instead i went and walked 5 miles. I needed to breathe and regain my thoughts. Unfortunately i did have plans that night that i could not cancel, so i put on a brave face all while wishing i could just curl up in bed..

WOW that all sounded so sad...

Then yesterday happened...

My training schedule indicated that i needed to walk 6 miles. So i was up and at it at 4am. Midday a friend asked if i wanted to train with her. I said sure but i had to walk 6 miles. So we agreed to meet. i TOTALLY forgot that i had ALREADY walked my 6 miles. WELL!

We ended at 5.02 miles as it was getting pretty dark and our trails were through the trees. We snapped a photo and i had to keep starring at it.

Here's the thing...i have friends commenting on my weight loss all the time and i've always thanked them but yesterday i finally told my girlfriend that walked with me after she paid me a compliment that I don't see what others see. I don't see the changes. So she snapped a picture...

And i had to just stare at it for a while...and i choked up...Because that girl in the picture is NOT who i see everyday. That girl in the picture has thinner legs then i do. She has a smaller frame then i do...everything about the girl in the picture is better then what i see...

so while i've learned about eating better and about fitness...i've failed to see me. I've failed to see my strengths. I've always prided myself on NOT being a product of my environment (abusive parents, failed marriage, the list could go on). BUT...mentally and emotionally I am. And i need to work on that to continue to heal and grow stronger. AND maybe one day i'll see what others see...

Because that girl in the picture...i'd love to meet her one day...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITMARY 9/22/2013 11:13AM

    My favorite part is where you FORGOT that you had already walked 6 miles! Ha, ha, ha! Do you know THAT girl?!??!!!
Awesome work!

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SUGAR0814 9/20/2013 11:07PM

    You're doing a great job! emoticon emoticon

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ZAPPATTACK 9/20/2013 7:30PM

    I struggle with this same thing all the time! It's so hard for me to accept compliments from others because I'm barely 11 pounds down so I don't feel any different. (hitting a roadblock hasn't helped) I think you look fabulous and will continue to look amazing if you keep doing what you're doing. You go girl for going so many miles!! And I do hope someday you look in the mirror and say "hello, beautiful!"

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    I also have lived in denial about the truth of how I look to the world, and only by viewing randomly snapped pictures do I get hit with that hard truth. Let it not break us but register and direct us to where we want to go. However, sometimes the truth of the matter is a purely positive one, as yours is with your picture. A reality check that- yes! We are accomplishing great things with hard work.


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FAVALL 9/20/2013 6:24PM

    The picture looks great! I see a woman who is comfortable in her exercise clothes. Don't forget to use measurements of your fitness improvements. They show the true picture of health.

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AMARILYNH 9/20/2013 5:08PM

    OMG - I have tears in my eyes after reading your blog! I SO identify with you - both in the pictures you hated and in the one you love! I've been both places!!

WHY do we see the beauty in others but not in ourselves? You ARE beautiful, you ARE strong, you CAN do anything you set your mind to! So next time you look in the mirror LOOK for this girl - she IS you!!

emoticon Hugs, Marilyn

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MALAMI518 9/20/2013 3:41PM

    What an emotional post. That picture is fantastic, and you are beautiful!


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EVER-HOPEFUL 9/20/2013 3:05PM

    you will love rest asured about that.i have the opposite problem which is why it took me so long to do anything about my weight till it was fast too late.i never ever saw myself as fat even when i was i look back i see it but at the time i didnīt.sometimes it is strange how our minds trick us lol.keep on keeping on and you will get there in the end both inside and look great by the way and love the pink power. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SARIANEC 9/20/2013 2:03PM

    What a wonderful blog and I'm glad you have a friend that is helping you to see you!

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MIRAGE727 9/20/2013 1:41PM

    Stay string, stay focused, and keep doing the right things! Embrace a healthy lifestyle, live it, and stay with short term goals! You WILL do this if you just keep going forward!
All the best!

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MURPHI13 9/20/2013 1:36PM

  I often feel the same way as you. People are noticing my weight loss and yet I don't see it.

I truly hope you get to meet her one day and feel the confidence inside that I see on the outside in the picture.

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    Thanks for sharing .. U made me think long and hard about I'f I'm seeing myself for who I really am..Ty . U look great in ur pic :)

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JADED_CHICK19 9/20/2013 1:23PM

    You are doing amazing! Be kinder to yourself. This is a long hard road that many of us struggle with every day. I am like you and I bad mouth myself and I don't see changes and it really hurts my motivation...instead I've been trying to find ways I AM going up a flight of stairs isn't hard anymore or my legs feel stronger. You are an amazing person and you have lots of support right here on Spark and it looks like with friends as well. Keep got this!

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KROLES55 9/20/2013 1:11PM

    Beautiful post.. You are doing an amazing job!

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SKINNYSTRUMMER 9/20/2013 12:59PM

    I love the part that you forgot you had walked earlier! Haha! That rocks! Absolutely fabulous! Let me guess that is a new first!

You look great - and are clearly making progress!

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THOMS1 9/20/2013 12:52PM

    Mydear you are doing a great job! emoticon

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JESSAAMI 9/20/2013 12:28PM

    Vicky you are doing great! And I am so excited for you for your three day walk. That snd your weight loss so far is such an amazing accomplishment! You are Pink Viking strong!

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SUSANELAINE1956 9/20/2013 11:30AM

    You look happy and healthy. It takes time for your mind to catch up with your progress. I'm just now feeling the way I look and I've been steadily losing for almost 4 years. Just keep sticking with it and eventually it all makes sense. You are doing great. emoticon

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CHOCOHOLIC2276 9/20/2013 11:26AM

    You look great in this picture!

Come on those other pics, are a reminder you are not at goal yet but look at all the progress you've made! Take this picture and put it next to a picture of when you started out. I bet you will find A HUGE difference.

Be proud of the process, you've come so far and each day gets you closer to your goal:)

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NEWLEAF16 9/20/2013 11:25AM

    Wow - awesome picture! You look great, and so happy.Focus on your progress - you have / are working so hard!! Enjoy!!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EG8383 9/20/2013 11:20AM

  you are rocking it chica and you need to take pride and joy in the hard work and success you've had. You look great and guess what that really is YOU! Love yourself and keep up the great work. I want to be dedicated like you! =) Happy Friday!!

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IDICEM 9/20/2013 10:53AM

  You look wonderfully happy and just plain wonderful! It's all a process. Remember to enjoy your journey!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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