VICKYMARIEC   49,289
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VICKYMARIEC's Recent Blog Entries

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL...

Monday, September 19, 2011

I have this love/hate relationship with the mirror. There are times I look in the mirror and I see a strong woman and other times i see...

I see a strong and determined woman when i look in the mirror after a good sweaty workout.

These are the moments when i look in the mirror and feel proud. Proud that I pushed myself so hard that sweat was dripping off of me. Proud that I took the time for ME. Proud that i'm making wise decisions for myself.

These are also the moments that I can see that SPARKle in my eye...I think it's the skinny Vicky inside of me just waiting to get out. It's that spark that tells me...one day! One day i will beach my goal.

These are the moments that I feel proud! Proud that I know my arms are killing me after doing Yoga. Proud that my legs feel like Jello because I killed them. Proud because I am waking up muscles that haven't been used in years! Or ever!

Now...

There are other times when i look in the mirror...

And wonder why I did this to myself? At what point and at what age should I have woken up and said, "Honey! If you keep eating this way, and sitting in front of the television and not moving, one day you'll realize you've missed out on life. And a lot of great experiences. You will miss out on having some wonderful dates. You'll miss out on so many wonderful opportunities."

I can easily sit back and say why didn't my parents teach me better eating habits, but they were overweight as well. At some point I did take over control of my own life from my parents. BUT i allowed food to continue its hold on me.

I'm sad when i see this girl.

I tear up just thinking about this girl.

I have felt her pain for way too many years.

It's a constant struggle between a seditary life i've grown accustomed to and a life that I so longingly want and desire. I find myself working out and sweating up a storm just to come home and eat garbage. I want more for myself and i need to summon that girl in the mirror that I see with the SPARKle in her eye. That's the girl that I want reigning in my life. That's the girl that I want to have control over what I place into my body.

I have less than 3.5 months until my 35th birthday and I know exactly what i want...It's what i've always wished for over the years...for someone (not family, not my girlfriends, not my fellow sparkers) to call me beautiful. I've never heard it before...sure i've heard people saying it to other women. But I've never heard it in reference to me.

I know i'm beautiful. And i know i am valuable in so many ways. BUT it's nice to hear it from someone...at least once in my life.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYONAMISSION 9/21/2011 3:07AM

    Vicky you ARE beautiful and strong and determined. I have no doubt you will reach all your goals. Just keep that sparkle in your eye and sparkle on!

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LETTINGGO85 9/19/2011 4:05PM

    You are a beautiful woman! And there are plenty of men out there who will find you beautiful right now and as you lose the weight. You are an amazing person and you can and will do this. Don't give up on yourself. Give yourself this birthday present - be healthier each day. You are a few years ahead of me, I am closing in on 40 and realized I can't enter my 40s feeling like I don't love my body.


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SWIMMERGIRL0222 9/19/2011 3:51PM

    Girl you are gorgeous! I know what you mean though....sometimes I look in the mirror and I love my appearance and other times I despise it. Great job on all the hard work you have made! I can't wait for some sexy man to tell you that you are beautiful :) because you are!

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VICKYMARIEC 9/19/2011 3:29PM

    I did read your blog and loved it! As i was writing my own blog i knew the two halves are opposites. Believe me i'm not sad or saddened. It's a piece of reality right now in my life and one day i will look back and wonder why i ever wasted my thoughts on such craziness. I thought about not adding the second part of the blog, but it's my own honestly with/for myself.

I love that I'm loved on Spark!

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WILDFIREKRISTIN 9/19/2011 3:25PM

    Oh honey! Why do we allow ourselves to go through this? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! I wish I could edit this blog and rip off the bottom half of it. Your mind is playing a game on you. You are in there so live for now sweetie, live for the moments you have in life and feel that powerful beautiful girl we see.

I know you need to hear it from someone and that will happen, but first..hear it from YOURSELF first, that is the most important person in the world.

Girlfriend, get up from this page, go look in the mirror and say, " I am beautiful, powerful and no one is going to take that away from me." If you don't believe it, say it again, heck scream it if you have to, but believe it my friend.

I hope you read my blog that I just posted and I hope it brings you some inspiration to love who you are my dearest!

Many HUGGLES!

Kristin emoticon

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Control...

Thursday, July 28, 2011

This is a story about control, my control
Control of what I say, control of what I do
And this time I'm gonna do it my way
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do
Are we ready? I am? Cause it's all about control
And I've got lots of it
(Control by Janet Jackson)

Control? We can't control much of what goes on around us but we can control ourselves. We can control how we react to situations. We can control our daily actions. We can even control our thoughts...even if sometimes it's a little fun to let them run wild. Basically, we can control ourselves.

This past week has been stressful for me. Last Thursday my car battery died. It wouldn't even hold a charge after a friend tried to jump it. So i had to pay for a new battery and to get it installed. THEN Friday my drivers side window fell inside the door! Yes - just fell in. They said the motor and regulator are dead. All i saw was more money out the window that I just don't have. I had to wait until today (payday) to have enough to pay to get the parts ordered so i can have it fixed. SO, i'm driving with plastic on my window. BUT since it's so hot here in Texas the adhesive has melted. SO today after work, i must pick up shrink wrap - you know the kind that movers use or that are around pallets. I'm hoping that will do the trick. I can't get the window worked on until NEXT Saturday.

So i had a melt down last night...

I cried. I asked why me? I hate going through things like this alone. I had a pity party for about an hour. Then...

Then i said to myself, "You cannot control what happened to the car. You cannot control that you need to wait until next Saturday until you can get that window fixed. BUT...

I can control the type of temporary fix for the window. I can control how i'm reacting to the situation. I can control my actions.

So i set the glass of peach daiquiri aside, put on my heart rate monitor and went for a 5 mile walk. Then took a cold shower - it's still 100+ degrees outside! It all felt good.

There's something relaxing and soothing about working up a sweat. You release stress, you let go of the anger, you work it all out while you are working out. That's good medicine for ya!

Control...

we all have the capability of it.

Some prefer to relinquish control. I decided to grab it by it's horns and kick its bootay!



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RACHELBUGSMAMA 7/28/2011 10:25PM

    Ugh on the car issues but way to go on taking control of the issue!

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TJHIERS 7/28/2011 10:17AM

    hope things get better for you real soon, hang in there !
keep on sparkin !
emoticon

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SHARPIEREVISED 7/28/2011 8:47AM

    This is such a great post. You're so strong! I think sometimes that's where people... ummm... don't succeed as they may want to. Because they know and even make some of the needed lifestyle changes, but then they allow that control to be taken away from them by various situations and they let bad situations make bad decisions for them. But not you! And that's amazing. emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

And I'm sorry to hear about your car emoticon But when something bad like that happens to me, I just try to tell myself "Will this matter in a month?" And if the answer's no, then it's not worth my worry. emoticon So don't forget - in a month it'll all be fixed and then it'll be behind you! emoticon

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Ooops! There it is...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

So...have you ever had one of those days where you just didn't feel like sticking to your plan?

Did you say yes?

Then follow me on this journey that I took yesterday:

My goal was to walk last night. Through out the day i kept pumping myself up to walk 10 miles! Yes that's right - 10 miles. By the time i got home from work i was so exhausted that i conked out on the couch - yes i just fell asleep. I woke up at 7:30pm! YIKES!!

So i ate dinner (which consisted of Smacks cereal and 1% milk - healthy i know!). Then i went for my walk.

FYI - in case you didn't realize it i live it Texas. It's been well over 100 degrees for about 3 weeks now.

Within the first quarter mile of mile 1 i was not feeling well. I was nauseated and can taste my dinner as well as my lunch. But i drank my water and carried on. By mile two i was trying to convince myself to just stop BUT i needed to get in at least 5 miles to make myself feel productive for the day. SO...

As soon as i hit about 3 miles IT happened...i vomited!

It was gross and funny all at the same time.

I mean i did a double take to see who saw. AND it wasn't like it was a little vomit...it was like all of my breakfast, lunch and dinner decided to eject itself!

Then i finished my 5 miles.

What could i do? I was feeling better. I kept drinking my water. And i had to finish anyways.

SO the moral of my story...what i took away from this experience...

Sometimes the heart outshines the body.

My heart, everything in me said to WALK.

This is for me. It just takes that first step. No one else can do this for me. How badly did i want to lose weight? My heart said to get off my lazy butt and walk!

BUT...

My body said NOOOOOO! And threw up in protest line a whining child in a supermarket.

The heart won yesterday!

That puts a smile on my face because now the fighter in me is coming out. I want this so bad i can taste it.

...last night i literally tasted it!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RACHELBUGSMAMA 7/21/2011 11:48AM

    Wow, tat is some determination!

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REVIVED 7/20/2011 10:47PM

    thats pretty impressive! If it were me, I would have never made it past the couch after the nap. emoticon

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MRSB929 7/20/2011 2:06PM

    Haha oh no! I bet that was fairly embarrassing but I am so proud of you for following through! Maybe it was all the sugar in your dinner? Either way you finished which is awesome! Good job! Keep that heart and willpower strong! emoticon

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I'm Morbidly Obese...DUH!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Did I REALLY need to seek out my BMI to know that I am morbidly obese? NOPE! One look at this curvaceous body of mine tells me that i've enjoyed dining without limitations for far too long. One look will tell I could probably tell you just about any television sitcom by just the first 3 seconds of intro music. One look and i can tell that i've rallied one too many games versus being out on the field. One real good hard look will tell me that i'm DONE with this body of mine and it's time to trade it in. So no...I did not HAVE to look and calculate my BMI...but how can you kick somethings ass without starring it in the face first?

So Mr. BMI take this as your formal invitation, and a stern warning, that your ass will be kicked by yours truly!

Morbidly Obese is 35 or greater...what's greater?

I'm at 51.4 right now. I started out at 56.5 so i'm on a good track (Hey Mr. BMI, I think i just sucker punched your sorry ass!).

So for me to get to JUST obese i need a BMI of 34. Soon Mr. BMI...watch your back! I know Tae Bo - I can triple time kick you!

I watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition with a dear friend of mine last night. He's that nice guy that doesn't always get the girl - but so deserves the best there is to offer - but he just doesn't realize his own potential. Anyways, we were watching it and discussing what the woman on the show was doing. What causes individuals to wait until they rae at an extreme before they decide to make a change. This slightly turned into a conversation about me.

What caused me to go up to 318.8lbs before i said, "Ummm...maybe i should do something about this weight/" Is it hereditary? Is it learned? Do we just make it our choice?

I'm a firm believer that you are NOT a product of your environment. You may grow up in a crappy neighborhood with crappy parents (as I did), but you can CHOOSE to make yourself better.

I remember being about 7yrs old at McDonalds with my mom. She ordered us 2 Big Macs, an order of large fries and a large coke for each of us. I consumed it all. That was my life style. Greasy and fast were what all meals consisted of. As a kid you didn't have a choice. As an adult you make your own choices.

My weight gain may have started because it's what my parents fed me, but it's where it's at now because I CHOSE to continue a lifestyle that was killing me. Doing nothing about it equals choosing to eat foods in a way that will kill you. REPEAT: Doing nothing = choosing death!

I'm too young and beautiful to die. I chose life. I chose to live a life that excites me and causes me to push myself further.

So Mr. BMI...You are just a general casualty along the way. One by one i will take your troops down. You've enjoyed your free ride for far too long.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHARPIEREVISED 7/20/2011 4:22PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

And incase you were wondering...

emoticon!!!!!

emoticon

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REDHEADMOM2U 7/19/2011 9:37PM

    You are doing great!

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STEPPING_STONES 7/19/2011 9:36PM

    emoticon emoticonI love your sense of humour. I love the image of kicking Mr BMI in his ass! You go girl! emoticon emoticon

We are going to make it! emoticon



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RACHELBUGSMAMA 7/19/2011 7:33PM

    You WILL kick that BMI's butt down! You are doing great!


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NEWGOALS2 7/19/2011 6:51PM

    You've worked hard to get to where you are today. Great job. Best of luck on your SP journey...

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ELASTI-GIRL 7/19/2011 5:48PM

    I was once in the obese category. Time is on your side :) You can do it!

Tough memory about McDonalds with mom. It can be challenging to internalizing what "normal portions" should look like when we have no point of reference. I've learned to analyze my thin friends' habits and mimic them. It's shocking what I used to consider normal and what actually keeps people at a healthy weight.

The good thing is we can always change what we've known, and you're doing a great job!

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L3DESIGNS 7/19/2011 5:42PM

    You can do it! Great work so far...

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ANGELWENDYMAMA 7/19/2011 5:29PM

    I like your blog.

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FRENCHTOSD 7/19/2011 4:59PM

    I tracked my BMI down from morbidly obese to obese to now overweight and hopefully soon normal. Every 6 or 7 pounds I go down another step. I hate this BMI thing though. Mr. BMI needs to find some new labels or something!

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TJHIERS 7/19/2011 4:33PM

    i'm going to kick my BMI butt too ! emoticon emoticon

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KARENDEE4 7/19/2011 3:33PM

    Good for you!!

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SHELLIEBELLIE2 7/19/2011 3:15PM

    my weight has bothered me but not until i got my BMI did i become devasted and realize just what i was doing to my body. my BMI slammed a reality into me....I HAVE BECOME A CROISSANT!!!!!!!!! with butter...yup, im half fat....so its tome to change that number!!!!!

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RONNIE0404 7/19/2011 3:02PM

    I started out at 54.3. Four months later I'm at 48.0.

You can do this. And you're right. You're too young and pretty AND WORTHY to continue living this lifestyle. Best of luck to you on your journey.

emoticon

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KARENG1961 7/19/2011 2:50PM

  Great blog! Mr. BMI needs his butt kicked - royally. You notice that we automatically went to MR BMI. A woman would never do that to herself. emoticon

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JOHNMARTINMILES 7/19/2011 2:34PM

    Sometimes we go through a lot of calculation just to learn what we already knew. I spent a bunch of money for the doctor to tell me I was overweight! Like I didn't know when I made the appointment!

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LINDAMARIEZ1 7/19/2011 2:34PM

    doesn't take much opver to be called that! I am too

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Letter to Myself

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Hi Vicky!

It's been a long while since we've spoken. Maybe I was too hesitant to come out and talk to you, or maybe you were too busy hiding from me. Whatever the reason we are at a point where we can no longer not face one another. We need to talk!

You know i love you, right? You know i care about you. I want to see you happy. I want to see you grow old and be that granny that walks circles around the twentysomethings. I want to see you love yourself and thus allowing someone else to fall in love with you. I know you want all of those things for yourself. But what i don't understand is why you are holding yourself back from having it all. I've failed you and i take full responsibility.

I see you when you cry at night. After everyone has left and it's just you...all alone. I see you when you cry yourself to sleep at night because you are so lonely. I know and understand that you just want to be loved. You just want someone to hold you. To tell you that you are gonna be all right. That you are special. That you mean something to someone. That someone out there is thinking about you. I understand your pain. I know it all too well.

I know your heart Vicky. I know how much you hurt. While your friends just see the smile on your face and the laughter from your heart, I see the smile that you've perfected and the laugh that blankets the pain. You've been told time and time again that you are such a happy person. If only you would allow them in and tell them the truth.

I've failed you. I've gone silent when i should have told you to make healthier choices. I should have told you to go walking when instead i allowed you to sit in front of a television for hours at a time. You deserve so much more then what i've provided. I should have protected you. I should have loved you more. I should have seen the hurt in your eyes and talked to you about what would make you happy. Can you forgive me?

You are beautiful. You need to know and understand that first for yourself. You can change your life. You will have days when you fail yourself. It's ok. Just keep going - be warned that i will not allow you to just sit there when you think you've been defeated. You are a wonderful woman, a great hostess, an amazing cook and baker. You know how to take care of your home. Most men would kill for a woman like you. You are the only thing in the way of your own happiness Vicky.

You are a fighter. You've come through an abusive home. You've witness things that no child should ever have to see. You were raised with parents that consistently told you how much they didn't want you or care about you. You married a man because you were lonely and you survived the divorce. Remember just how much you've gone through. When you do, remember that exercising and eating right are simple actions compared to anything you've ever experienced.

I'm your closest friend. I will cheer you on at each and every victory as well as at any set back. I will wipe that sweat off of your forehead during each mile you walk...and eventually run. I will continually give you the support and guidance that you need to succeed in life.

It's time that I took care of you.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWSGIRL2177 7/5/2011 3:17PM

    What a lovely way to get honest with yourself. I think a lot of us can learn from your letter. And now you have a great tool--and honest letter that you wrote from the heart--to turn to when you need it later.
Hang in there, sister. I think you're awesome!


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SRHALLIN 7/5/2011 2:52PM

    It is like you're holding up a mirror with so many well-known reflections sequestered within it. I applaud the courage that writing this letter must have taken. I admire your strength and inner fortitude. And, yes - you can and will succeed at this.

Best wishes to you on your journey.

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TJHIERS 7/5/2011 2:31PM

    just remember we are here for you, take this journey one day at a time, you'll get there,... along with the rest of us.
hugs to ya :)

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REDHEADMOM2U 7/5/2011 2:28PM

    Great letter! Ditto for many of us!

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AUNTIELES53 7/5/2011 1:28PM

    i so know what your going through. We can do this girlie :) keep your head up :) you deserve to be happy and not alone I'm only a spark page away if you need me :)

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GAL7288 7/5/2011 1:06PM

    Your blog really hit home, I've felt the same way for many years until I finally snapped and decided it was time for me to love myself and do something for myself. Thanks so much for posting, I could have not said it better. Good luck on you journey, and really I wish you the best, you deserve it! We both deserve it! emoticon

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