Tuesday, December 11, 2012
DISCLAIMER: Typically i have a blog like this when i'm PMSing. But today that can't be my excuse. Today's blog is based solely off of my reactions towards pictures just posted from a race i participated in on December 1st.
I've been waiting for these pictures since race day (Dec. 1st). Everywhere i turned photographers were taking pictures. We walked/jogged this 5k. At the end of the race, we had our best time yet...50.13 minutes. I couldn't wait to see the pictures that coincided with, what was for me at the time, a great race!
I felt good about the 5k. The time was great. The weather was great. I felt great. I will be honest. When i arrived at the race i called my friend who had NOT registered at the time. I whispered to her that i was the biggest person there. I begged her to do it with me...otherwise i was going to turn around and go home...i know, no self confidence. She came along with 5 minutes to spare and we did great.
Today the pictures were posted. There were over 4000 pictures to weed through. When i came across the first one of me...i was shocked and horrified. I always take pictures. I don't really shy away from the camera. I started off at about 320lbs (at least i did when i finally weighed myself). I'm not sure what my heaviest has ever been. I'm still in the 260's...about 60lbs gone...
Those pictures from the race horrified me. I mean as soon as i saw it tears came to my eyes and fell down my cheeks. I flew up to cover my dropped open mouth. I am so huge...the pictures captured every bump, every fat roll, the second chin, every lump...i KNOW i'm still big. But looking at those pictures it's as though i've done nothing.
I'm embarrassed...i'm horrified...and more then ever i don't want to go home for Christmas. My brother and sister in law made comments about my weight and how i should have lost a lot more by now the last time i saw them in August. I don't want to hear it...i just don't want to go home any more...i love them. And i WANT to see them...i just don't want to hear the comments from them. I want them to love me for who ever i am and at what ever size i am. I don't want to go home and just feel bad about myself. That's my fear...that for those two weeks i'm home i'll just constantly feel bad about myself. Do they mean well? I'm sure they do. But it makes me feel so low...low enough that i don't want to go home for Christmas.
I would post the pics, but i refuse to pay $11 per picture for pictures i hate. I did snippet them but they are copy righted and i don't want to get into trouble. They are just for me to see...