VICKYMARIEC   53,084
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VICKYMARIEC's Recent Blog Entries

Letter to Myself

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Hi Vicky!

It's been a long while since we've spoken. Maybe I was too hesitant to come out and talk to you, or maybe you were too busy hiding from me. Whatever the reason we are at a point where we can no longer not face one another. We need to talk!

You know i love you, right? You know i care about you. I want to see you happy. I want to see you grow old and be that granny that walks circles around the twentysomethings. I want to see you love yourself and thus allowing someone else to fall in love with you. I know you want all of those things for yourself. But what i don't understand is why you are holding yourself back from having it all. I've failed you and i take full responsibility.

I see you when you cry at night. After everyone has left and it's just you...all alone. I see you when you cry yourself to sleep at night because you are so lonely. I know and understand that you just want to be loved. You just want someone to hold you. To tell you that you are gonna be all right. That you are special. That you mean something to someone. That someone out there is thinking about you. I understand your pain. I know it all too well.

I know your heart Vicky. I know how much you hurt. While your friends just see the smile on your face and the laughter from your heart, I see the smile that you've perfected and the laugh that blankets the pain. You've been told time and time again that you are such a happy person. If only you would allow them in and tell them the truth.

I've failed you. I've gone silent when i should have told you to make healthier choices. I should have told you to go walking when instead i allowed you to sit in front of a television for hours at a time. You deserve so much more then what i've provided. I should have protected you. I should have loved you more. I should have seen the hurt in your eyes and talked to you about what would make you happy. Can you forgive me?

You are beautiful. You need to know and understand that first for yourself. You can change your life. You will have days when you fail yourself. It's ok. Just keep going - be warned that i will not allow you to just sit there when you think you've been defeated. You are a wonderful woman, a great hostess, an amazing cook and baker. You know how to take care of your home. Most men would kill for a woman like you. You are the only thing in the way of your own happiness Vicky.

You are a fighter. You've come through an abusive home. You've witness things that no child should ever have to see. You were raised with parents that consistently told you how much they didn't want you or care about you. You married a man because you were lonely and you survived the divorce. Remember just how much you've gone through. When you do, remember that exercising and eating right are simple actions compared to anything you've ever experienced.

I'm your closest friend. I will cheer you on at each and every victory as well as at any set back. I will wipe that sweat off of your forehead during each mile you walk...and eventually run. I will continually give you the support and guidance that you need to succeed in life.

It's time that I took care of you.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWSGIRL2177 7/5/2011 3:17PM

    What a lovely way to get honest with yourself. I think a lot of us can learn from your letter. And now you have a great tool--and honest letter that you wrote from the heart--to turn to when you need it later.
Hang in there, sister. I think you're awesome!


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SRHALLIN 7/5/2011 2:52PM

    It is like you're holding up a mirror with so many well-known reflections sequestered within it. I applaud the courage that writing this letter must have taken. I admire your strength and inner fortitude. And, yes - you can and will succeed at this.

Best wishes to you on your journey.

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TJHIERS 7/5/2011 2:31PM

    just remember we are here for you, take this journey one day at a time, you'll get there,... along with the rest of us.
hugs to ya :)

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REDHEADMOM2U 7/5/2011 2:28PM

    Great letter! Ditto for many of us!

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AUNTIELES53 7/5/2011 1:28PM

    i so know what your going through. We can do this girlie :) keep your head up :) you deserve to be happy and not alone I'm only a spark page away if you need me :)

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GAL7288 7/5/2011 1:06PM

    Your blog really hit home, I've felt the same way for many years until I finally snapped and decided it was time for me to love myself and do something for myself. Thanks so much for posting, I could have not said it better. Good luck on you journey, and really I wish you the best, you deserve it! We both deserve it! emoticon

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My WORST enemy...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

We all have at least one!

My worst enemy to my body - right now - is sodium. I've written before about being on blood pressure pills and how much i hate them. BUT the reality is that they are trying to save my life.

I've asked the nurse on staff here if i can visit her daily to get my blood pressure read...i swear every time she's taken it she wanted to get me to the ER. Here are the last three readings:

150/108
148/98
142/96

While it's going down, it's not going down fast enough. She thinks it may be that my dosage is too low. I actually think it may be because my sodium intake it too high. So i've added it to my nutritional tracker. And i've been consuming between 2700-6400mg of sodium...TOO HIGH!!!!!! It's to be between 500-2300mg a day.

She's told me not to exercise or do any form of physical activity. I move on Friday...she just looked at me and then went into this 30minute lecture on what can happen to me. I SWEAR my chest hurt with shooting pains the rest of the day. She scared me! But that's what i needed. I don't want to die. And even though i've always been a fat girl, i've never thought of it as killing me. Until this nurse...she is the first and only person to have ever told me that my weight and eating habits are going to kill me...scared the crap out of me!

SO...

i need to make some real changes. I'm only 34yrs old. I'm divorced with no kids. I want to live. I want to grow old. I want to do it with a healthy body.

I can't fool myself any longer. I have eating issues. Which in turn caused me to have health issues...when did this start?

I can honestly tell you that i remember being about 6 or 7 and being at McDonalds with my mom and little brother. And we ALL had 2 big macs each...yup EACH! I remember people looking at us funny and i didn't understand why. My younger brother - though he still eats a lot - is thin and VERY athletic. He works hard at keeping his body healthy. His wife is a personal trainer and makes sure that 98% of the time what they are putting into their bodies is good for it. At Christmas he told me that if even for just two days not eating right or working out that he can feel the difference and see the scale inch up. He said he has to work on it.

My dads side of the family is full of diabetics...i don't want diabetes...

My moms side of the family is FULL of morbidly obese members...i want to get out of that...

I don't want to die...

So i must now fight for my life. No one else can fight it for me.

*** I just saw the nurse today and my readings are 120/94. I need to get that bottom number down. But YAY!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELAOPET 5/14/2011 5:11PM

    YEY is right! You have no enemies! You are smart and have the choice. I was morbidly obese and now I am not. Any more. It's all about the work you are willing to put into changing things. About finding strength to change.
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DOWNTOWNJEN 5/11/2011 9:32PM

    AWESOME - we want you around for a long time too! You are doing yourself a HUGE favor by taking care of yourself. Don't choose that path of obesity or diabetes. You don't have to go there. Choose the life that you want - that you design and live.

You'll make it! You're here and you're doing it!
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SILENTEYES34 5/11/2011 7:08PM

    Thank you for your blog. I find it to be encouraging. It is a blessing to keep waking up in the morning and having another chance to do it right. I have diabetes and high blood pressure due to my obesity as well. I have gotten my bp numbers down. My sugar levels are under control now so I know you can do it. Its not going to be easy but you are strong enough for the challenge I know you are. emoticon

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2FUN2B_LAZY 5/11/2011 10:24AM

    That's a really good point in that comment. I never thought of it like that.
Your blog was inspirational. Maybe if you are close enough to your brother, you can get his help and his wife's help? You had it going, so I know you can keep it going! If you need anything, let me know!

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VICKYMARIEC 5/11/2011 9:16AM

    I think about that a lot. I never run. So i don't play a lot of sports. Even though everything in me wants to get off the sidelines and actually play. When i visit Chicago and i walk the streets i pray that a mean dog doesn't cross my path because i wouldn't be able to run away from it. I'd have to fight it.

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BEINGGUIDED 5/11/2011 9:02AM

    Your life... its the only one you got. Fight, fight as hard as you can!

I realized something a few months back when I first started jogging: If I had to run for my life, like if aliens came or zombies raided the earth or even if a flood or tornado or rabid dogs or something... if I had to run for my life, I wouldn't make it. They would catch me. I wouldn't have a shot in surviving and it sort of bothered me. Then what really got me was that if I had to rescue someone I loved, I probably wouldn't be strong enough or fast enough to do it. And that really made me think because the idea hurt so bad.

You can do it! You can! YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY CAN!

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AGAIN?!

Monday, May 09, 2011

So here i am...again. I have been terrible to my body and i know it. I've ignored what i know i should have done and be doing. I have no excuses, but here is how my body reacted...

For the last two weeks it's been hard to sleep. When i lay down it feels as though someone is sitting on my chest. I cannot breathe. As though i just have a very small pinhole in which air can escape and come into. I have to fluff pillows behind me so that i'm in almost a sitting position. Sometimes that doesn't even work. So i resorted to heartburn meds - once it was figured out that was what it was. Do you know what gets rid of heartburn naturally? Exercise (losing weight), not drinking soda, not eating greasy foods...but what did i do? I drank soda after soda and ate nothing but greasy fast foods for the past 2 months.

My last few blogs have been about making a comeback...yet here i am again. I need to take one step at a time. So today i'm eating within my calories. Next week i'll start exercising again. Not crazy, no one can do this much and work and still find time to sleep exercise. But exercise to help me get healthy and drop the weight.

I'm moving this weekend so my scale is packed. I probably did it on purpose so that i don't see the number. On March 17th i weighed in at 290lbs. April 13 i weighted 295.8. I saw the scale about 3 weeks ago at 304...I AM SURE i am back up to about 310 or so. So i'm starting my weight scale over at 318...

This weekend i spoke with a friend and i told her i had an eating issue. I love to stuff my body with food. I can feel when i'm full...but i keep eating. When i leave to go to the store i stop at the local donut shop and pick up treats for the ride and throw away the evidence before i get home...but really the evidence is shown by the weight i've put back on my body.

Yesterday alone i stopped at the donut shop and picked up 2 crullers, 12 glazed donut holes, 6 sausage buns (think pigs in a blanket),and an apple fritter. I ate it all...by myself...

I cannot keep destroying my body. I need to get off all of these meds...high blood pressure and heartburn...i need to live like a 34yr old should live. I need to not worry that i make choke myself to death trying to sleep.

So today starts Day 1...again

I'm not ashamed of that fact. I'm embracing it and moving forward.

I've already had breakfast and lunch and i'm at 580cals. My range in 1610 to 2310 so i have plenty to spare. I have my SeaWorld 64oz jug and i think it's almost empty. I feel good...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2FUN2B_LAZY 5/10/2011 10:10PM

    Ok, this sounds nuts, BUT I'm on day 2 of eating clean (google it for more information if needed) and I love it! I never knew how easy it was.. I have 6 small meals a day and I don't feel hungry at all. It's perfect! I weighed in this morning with a 1-2 lb. loss.. but my official weigh in isn't for another week or so. I definitely recommend looking into it! =)
Good luck -- it's great to see you back!

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NEWSGIRL2177 5/9/2011 8:42PM

    I've been struggling lately, too.
I'm glad you're back and I hope you keep pushing forward. You can do this!

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CAN_DO73 5/9/2011 3:55PM

    I was excited to see you had a new blog - I have always enjoyed reading them :)

I'm glad that you're back and ready to be nicer to yourself again. I really believe that we have to expect setbacks (because they happen to all of us) but it's that 'turn around' time that is really important and you did that fast!! You could have gone years before coming back but here you are a mere few weeks later. Nice job!

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BEINGGUIDED 5/9/2011 3:53PM

    Don't worry about starting again... It is the "never started back again" that you need to worry about. Start over as many times as you need to, just never stay stopped.
Things will happen for you. It took me about two years to really get grooving and moving. You will find your niche. The time will come that you will look back and won't believe how far you have come. Just keep trying, no matter how many times you "pause"... just keep starting again. That is all that matters.

Comment edited on: 5/9/2011 3:54:27 PM

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AMBERD21 5/9/2011 2:26PM

    good job!! I seem to be having a hard time right now too! We can do it together!!

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KIYOSHI04 5/9/2011 2:07PM

    glad you feel good.

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What 290 means to me?

Friday, March 18, 2011

So what does being 290 mean to me?

It means:
- i have lost 28.8lbs
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- i am one step closer to being in obeseland
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- i am almost at my first 10% loss
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- i can move a little easier
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So what now?

- i'm thinking about taking up cycling
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- i'm just 20ish pounds away from 50
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- at 50lbs lost i'm buying a boxing bag and PINK gloves
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Here's the thing...

I think i have friends that don't like the weight loss. That are almost waiting for me to fail and walk away. What do i do about them?


Happy at 290! Can't wait for 280!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEMORIESOF2011 3/19/2011 1:00PM

    emoticon
You are conquering the world, one pound at a time! Don't let ANYbody take you down; if you have someone around you that can't be supportive, they don't belong in your life anymore! You deserve the moon, stars, and then some simply for waking up every day and giving it your best shot. I am SO proud of you, and those goals of yours will be met in no time! Way to go hun, keep it up!
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ONESTRONGSIREN 3/19/2011 7:59AM

    Congratulations on your progress! I further endorse what Wolfkitty says, when people react strangely to your progress, your fitness, your food, your excitement, etc. it isn't about you and your progress. It isn't about them not being happy for your victories. It is about what is inside of them, and how they feel about themselves and their own health/fitness/food issues that fuels them to not be able to be supportive for you at that moment.

So as Tailschris says - make it happen. shock everyone. In that effort you will have achieved your goals, been supportive of yourself (just like you are above with this blog post and many more to come) and some may realize that they can do it too. =)

Great job!

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CALIKIKI 3/18/2011 11:50PM

    You do not need to tell anyone anything. This is your journey, on your time table and with your strength. Ignire the nay sayers and focus on you. If they make comments, ask why it is important to them, or just thank them for their support/concern/criticism/ and make it part of your strength. Let nothing stop you or slow you down!

By the way, WAY TO GO! YAY YOU!

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MARYONAMISSION 3/18/2011 6:22PM

    Congrats on your awesome loss!!!! I love your 50 lbs reward. You will get there in no time and I can't wait to see a pic of you wearing your pink gloves after an great workout. As far as the haters, you just need to shake them off. I heard that burns tons of calories, lol. Also, if they are truly your friends, they will come around. It just might take them some time. Just remember this is about them in their insecurities, not yours.

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PROMISE2DESIGN 3/18/2011 3:03PM

    Those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, DON'T MATTER! emoticon

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XIMERAGREY 3/18/2011 1:56PM

    Sometimes friends aren't forever friends. For example, you may have friends that you work with that you see outside of work as well... but when you leave the job, they fade from your life. Sad, but reality.

These friends may be the same type. They may not be able to be your friend when you lose weight. *You* will be different. They won't. That's not bad; it's just reality.

Do what's right for you. You'll find new friends who support your choices and lifestyle.

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WOLFKITTY 3/18/2011 11:31AM

    For 3 years I only posted about my weight loss victories here on SparkPeople! And it's only been this year that I've been doing things like letting the iPhone fitness apps post on my Facebook page.

When I first started losing weight, all of the people I know had WEIRDO reactions!! Then I lost 100 pounds, and they were all strangely supportive, but some of them were still strange. Sometimes they feel inadequate, because of their own weight loss struggles. Or if I eat a food they don't like, they act as if I'm forcing THEM to eat it. It's still odd.

But a few months ago, my mom (lives across the U.S. from me) read The Spark, and my sister started exercising after I visited them. I get more support on my Facebook page now, usually comments about being amazed and such. And I may have grown apart from a few people, but overall my weight loss is not such a big focus anymore. I'm still me, and I'm still their friend. And I don't judge what they do. They know that.

If you grow apart, no big deal. Just remember to keep growing - keep changing and blossoming in YOUR schedule, on YOUR time, doing what's right for YOU! And it's possible some friends will have their own growth spurt later. HEehee.

Definitely try to meet some local Sparkers, too! Just having real life to meet up with occasionally for exercise has really helped me this year!
HUGS!!
Jocelyn

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CECE0330 3/18/2011 11:07AM

    You may need to take a step back from the friends who are not supportive! Funny thing about losing weight: You go from being the one it's Ok to eat & indulge around to being focused on calories & fitness.....aka not nearly as fun! You need to do this so that you will still be living a healthy, full life in another 20 years! You're making great progress and have a plan. Stick to it, and the people who are true friends will stick by you!

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TAILSCHRIS 3/18/2011 10:46AM

    My favorite quote of all time. . .

make it happen.
shock everyone.

LOVE this!! I would even say when I'm exercising and not into it. . .can I get a amen?!. . .I just chant this quote and it keeps me going!
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Comment edited on: 3/18/2011 10:46:58 AM

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NEWSGIRL2177 3/18/2011 10:14AM

    As hard as it is, you just need to focus on what YOU need. Your friends can take it or leave it. You might inspire them at some point, but if they're not on the same page now, don't sweat it. Just keep following your plan!
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CHICAT63 3/18/2011 10:12AM

    Woohoo, way to go ! Hmmm, about the friends if you read my Sparkpage only surround yourself with positive & supporting people around you. If they cannot get with your program, too bad for them (that's my opinion).

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ELAOPET 3/18/2011 10:05AM

    GIRL YOU IGNORE THAT, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO!!!!! AND prove them wrong, of course!

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AUNTIELES53 3/18/2011 9:57AM

    great job :)

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EBIELOU 3/18/2011 9:49AM

    I am going to encourage you with the friend deal. I have friends that did not want to hangout with me because I was on what they liked to call a "health kick." They were very negative n my weightloss journey. Right now though, they are all trying to get healthier now. I"ve been on this journey for a little of a year now and it's taken them this long to see that I just wanted to save my life.

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LITTLEWHEATLEY 3/18/2011 9:29AM

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BEINGGUIDED 3/18/2011 9:11AM

    You get yourself some new friends!

I had a couple overweight friends and it seemed like the better I looked the more distant they got. One was always wanting to go to buffet and I don't think she liked it too much when I asked why our only option for dinner had to be a buffet? I never did end up at a normal restaurant with her.
It is tough because all my friends now, they have never been overweight so when I post about triumphs on my FB (like yesterday I was gushing about my dressroom adventures), they celebrate with me but I don't think they quite understand. Or maybe they don't. I don't know.

You are doing awesome! People don't like change, even if it is good change. Along with your weight loss will come personality changes in you, it is just natural. Your successes may point out their own weaknesses, whatever they may be (not weight related).

You just keep on trucking. Losing this weight is AMAZING! And each lost pounds brings a new aspect of life.

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Stupid people!

Monday, March 14, 2011

So the girl that i play racquetball and tennis with has this guy that she' s friends with. I am 100% convinced that he's into her, i think she's about 90% convinced. Well they text each other all the time. And apparently he always asks how i'm doing and what i've been up to - i should mention that i've met him a few times. She mentions to me on Saturday night that he apologized to her about something and she said she didn't understand why he was apologizing. SO she tells me what he said...He apologized to her because he hadn't gotten to talk to me at all, yet he's talked to some of her other friends. He didn't want her thinking he was ignoring me. So my friend was baffled because she didn't understand what he was saying...but i sure did!

What i heard...what most overweight people hear...is that he didn't want her thinking he was a butthole because he hadn't spoken with her fat friend yet. NOW...to be fair i called a friend of mine that is also overweight and shared with her the exact words that were said to me and i asked her what she thought he meant...she said exactly what i had thought.

I know in our society us fat people get overlooked in a lot of ways. I have MANY guy friends...because they feel i'm safe. I'm great to talk to, hang out with and get advice from...because they would never date me because of my weight. It sucks! But it's also a reality. Most times i'm ok with it because i wouldn't want to date a guy that thought that way anyways. BUT this friend of mine...this guy...he's jerky! AND she invited him to play racquetball with us this Wednesday. Maybe i'll hit the ball into his balls!!!! REVENGE FOR THE FAT PEOPLE! In all honestly i am a little upset about the fact that he's joining us. I could care less about him, but i will give the guy a chance...i guess. I just hope we actually PLAY and they don't stand around and talk. I play so that i can get a good sweat going, burn some calories and get my heart rate up...not to stand around talking. We'll see how it goes.

On another note...on 3/4 i weighed in at 298.6lbs...today i'm at 294.8! I didn't exercise as much as i wanted to but it's my own fault. I have the time after work to do it...i just chose not to. Today my plan is to get on the treadmill and do some intervals...and maybe get in some strength training.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATIE343 3/16/2011 3:50PM

    I have to I agree with the last comment it sounds like he may be into . i am not sure what kind of jerk asks about "friends" friend all the time. I may just be confused. Anyways a jerk is a jerk and just show him what a strong ,powerful women you are.

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SKINNYLOVELYME 3/15/2011 3:31PM

    Actually the way I read his comments was that it sounds like he's into YOU not her!! Talking to her about you, apologizing for not talking to you, having her set up a date to play racquetball..

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ELAOPET 3/15/2011 6:23AM

    That is how you know your jerk when you (hear) see one! Don't worrie about him - just do your thing!
It's good news about weight loss! emoticon
I am now learning to be seen as a "normal" person as opposed to a fat person. I promise you I notice big changes!!! Sad, but so true!!! people get treated different based on the looks. I know very, very few people who treat me the same now and when I was fat.
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CELTICMOTOCAT 3/14/2011 9:30PM

    I say, just kick his backside in racquetball....

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VICKYMARIEC 3/14/2011 5:26PM

    HA! I was at 298.6 last week...not 398.6!

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PAULKNUTH 3/14/2011 5:22PM

    Any time you can drop over 100 pounds in a week is a good week. What are you on - the chainsaw diet?
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I suggest you forget about that apology thing - you have unsupported preconceived negative beliefs against him which may or may not be valid.

Stay focused - You are on a roll!
Paul

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