Friday, January 14, 2011
Today i'm having what i call a fat day. My clothes feel tight. I have pimples (REALLY?! i'm 34). I feel alone. I feel lonely. I have nothing going on (man, as i'm typing this all i hear is whine, whine, whine). So what does this make me want to do? EAT! But i can't even do that since i cleared the fridge and pantry of crap foods! I can go grab my tub-o-peanutbutter!
I get these days when i feel like i don't deserve to lose weight. Almost like i deserve to be fat. I know i self sabatoge myself but once i'm in this funk it takes a bit to get me out. There's so many things that i want out of life and maybe i'm scared that even if i lose all the weight i still won't get anything that i've only up to now dreamt about. Because right now i'm allowing my weight to be my excuse. It's because of my weight that i don't get asked out. It's because of my weight that i cant be loved. It's because of my weight that i don't play sports. It's because of my weight...i can go on.
I have this deep fear...but i need to explain a little something first. There's one thing that i've always wanted. And up to now only two people know this...so here goes...The one thing i've ALWAYS wanted is to be told i'm beautiful. I'm 34yrs old. I was married for 10yrs. I have 3 brothers. I had parents. BUT...no one has ever looked at me and said, "Vicky, you are beautiful." It's because of my weight...Can you imagine being married and not being told you're beautiful? It hurts my heart just typing this. I read what i'm typing and i sould like a big baby, but i'm scared that even after i lose the weight that still no one would say i'm beautiful. To me thats a bit scary. Every woman wants to hear that someone thinks they are beautiful. Every man wants to feel needed. It's engrained in us. 34 years...34 years of not feeling beautiful. I mean i can think it about myself, but if you've never heard it said to you, you start to feel, think and conceive the thought that you are not. So thats me.
I lied! You see my profile picture? I'm 318.8lbs in it. I emailed it to a close friend. Her 3yr olddaughter saw it and said, "oohhhh...you look so pretty." Yes i cried...because it was the only time someone referenced me as being pretty. I will admit I took the picture at the perfect angle as to not capture my second and maybe third chin...
As a fat person i am UNBELIEVABLY aware that i am th biggest person in the room. I hate being sat next to anyone because i feel like they dread it. Because i invade their space. At church someimes i have to ask for a different seat if the only seat is the middle section because those seats are 2inches smaller then the others. I'm open about my butt not being able to squeeze into them. My friends date. I'm always "the friend".
Today...today sucks being a fat girl. I know skinny girls have issues too, but...