VERTICALABRET   43,466
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I went to the store today. Alone.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

My MIL came over and watched the kids while I went out. I took myself to Tropical Smoothie where I enjoyed a grilled buffalo chicken wrap and then took a mocha madness with me (my splurge of the day!) and then I went to Target to return something and then on to Walmart because I'm on a search for unrefined coconut oil but thats another story.

I'm very proud of myself for going to these places. Alone. You see, I don't talk about it much and my hubs is the only one who knows anything about this (and I don't think he even gets it) but I have a mild social anxiety disorder. I get panic attacks just thinking about being out and about but its really only when I'm alone. I can even just be with one of my kids and I'm ok. Its just when I'm alone.

When people talk about going out alone it makes me nauseous. I get really stressed out just thinking about it! I don't even remember being like this when I was 'skinny' I'm beginning to think through these issues and I'm starting to believe its a body image problem. I don't like people seeing me this overweight. I don't like to be seen period.

The only way I guess I'll know if it is is once this weight starts coming off in the coming months. We will see. . .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2LABS2LOVE 1/18/2011 11:06AM

    emoticon I am proud of you! I have issues with driving to places that I don't know. I have done it but I am a nervous wreck and really scared...and of what? That is always the question. At least now I have GPS which helped when I interviewed for a new job...but...fear is real and you should be VERY proud of yourself! emoticon

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WALKFIT 1/17/2011 12:29AM

    emoticon Sounds like you did great! Baby steps will still get you to where you're going!

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THENEWDARLENE 1/16/2011 11:15PM

    It sounds like you had fun on your day out. Way to go! Maybe you could add occasional outings alone to your goals if it's something you really want to improve on. Send me a spark message if you want me to suggest a coconut oil for you. I ordered mine online, and I love it. It's not the super expensive ones, but it is unrefined and high quality.

Have a great Spark Week!

emoticon

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Happy Birthday, Kowen!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

My youngest son turned 1 today! I can't believe a year ago today he came into this world. He is such a beautiful little boy and is one of the reasons I am here. I want to live a long and healthy life so I may see him grow and become the person he is meant to be.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TASCHISM 1/16/2011 4:21PM

    Aww how cute. Happy Birthday! emoticon

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VERNALWOMAN 1/16/2011 11:49AM

  Happy Birthday little man!

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I've lived my whole life at the gym

Friday, January 14, 2011

So why am I not skinny? LoL

I remember as a kid I was too young to work out but my mom took me with her to the local gym and I would do my homework on the couch and watch everyone. I wanted to work out soo bad but I just wasn't allowed.

Then my church youth leader happened to be one of the owners of said gym and when I turned 15 I got a job working in the gym child care. I didn't have great transportation being that I had to depend on my mom so I didn't work out. I was still at the gym, though!

I continued to work at this job all through high school and into college where I would actually drive home on the weekends just to work. At this point I was also working at the front desk and I was working out after my shifts but not much more then that. This was also my 'skinny days' when I was eating unhealthy and playing college volleyball emoticon but I was in great shape for me.



This is me when I worked in the child care around 2001.


Then I had my first baby and I still worked in the child care and occasionally at the desk but stopped working out so much because hey, with kids, its tough! Shortly after that I started working the night shift at the desk (a 24hr gym) and so my parents where helping me with my son and I wasn't working out because I was so beat after working all night and being with my son during the day.

The gym sold out and a new company took over. Then the whole gym went under. I didn't sweat it, literally-I wasn't working out at all anyway! LoL Soon I started working for the same company at another location and started working out here and there but with the distance I was driving to work I would only workout on days that I had someone to help me with my sons and that I was working so it wasn't much. I worked in the front desk and then again in the day care. We weren't married yet but Chris tried to help me get to workout at much as possible but it still wasn't enough to get me back in shape.

Soon the distance just got to me and I quit. No more gym. No more working out. I know, I know, there are many other options for working out but in my head the gym was where you go.

So I tried to get over it by buying an elliptical machine. And while I've always made it a point not to use it as extra closet space it still remains in the corner of our computer room hovering over me while I sit here and type covered in dust, not clothes. emoticon

This past summer I finally caved. I went back to my first love. A gym close to home. I joined the local Gold's. Is it weird that a place that hasn't really helped me lose weight or stay in shape (much) is a place that I find so much comfort? As soon as I walk in the door its like I'm home. I don't do the classes. I don't have a trainer. Usually, its just me and the treadmill or the elliptical (the one at the gym is better?) emoticon

I honestly don't know how to use most of the equipment and I'm too shy to ask or look stupid trying it out so I stick to the cardio machines. The ones I know. The ones that make me feel like I'm home again.

This is actually making me kind of emotional even typing. I miss Woody's Workout Club (get hard 24 hrs-actual club motto!) yea, gotta love it :) I so have issues. . .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OHSOCOOLLISA 1/15/2011 10:44AM

    Consider asking yourself how you would treat somebody else if they asked you how to use the machines (and you knew the answer). There is no real shame in asking. Everybody needs to learn at least once, right? How else would we know the answer? You are an awesome individual who is making positive changes in her life. I agree with Suzwarnr, go ahead and ask for a refresher.

I have not done any classes, myself. I did work at Curves for a while and understand a different perspective. Often, I did not instruct a member unless she asked, as to not make her feel embarrassed. However, when I did explain a concept (how to use a machine, etc.) I was clear to make sure that I was teaching a room and not always just an individual.

Emotions are a major part of this journey. I am glad that you are able to recognize the value. Feel free to create your own new memories too...I hope you can enjoy the process :)

~Lisa

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SUZWARNR 1/15/2011 6:06AM

    Don't feel shy. Just ask. I joined a gym a couple months ago. I started by doing some classes and I find that the classes are what I most look forward to. One of my instructors is also a personal training and now she's my trainer too. :) She took me around to the machines and set up a strength training program for me. Maybe you should ask one of the people at the desk if someone can show you how the machines work. Good luck!

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So I didn't have a bad day. . .

Thursday, January 13, 2011

but it wasn't anything too special.

I got my workout in this morning (going to do some Wii after I get off the computer) and I didn't eat bad at all today. Still pretty exhausted. The wee one decided to wake at 4am for an hour and then went back to sleep but at that point I had only tried to go to bed a half hour before so I technically went to bed at 5am and got up at 11-thank goodness Chris had off work today or I would have had to be up at 8 at the very latest to get the oldest ready and off to school.

I did something sneaky *grin*
I made pizza for dinner and I snuck pureed carrots and spinach into the sauce. Noone knew and everyone ate it. Go me! LoL emoticon I made something a smidgen healthier, yay! The wild things all ate like every other time we've had pizza.

Its the little things in life that make me happy. . .

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCRAPPYGRAMMY 1/14/2011 10:24PM

    Good for you! I hopped on your page today because you said you needed support. Just want you to know that we are in this thing together. We all have battles to win on a daily basis. I had little ones at two times in my life - two families of two twelve years apart so I have been there/done that and have the tee shirts to show for it. Hang in there. Sounds like today was better than some days. Keep up the good work! emoticon

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VERNALWOMAN 1/14/2011 2:32PM

  Yay! For sneaking veggies in to your sauce, and then everyone liking it :)

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Today didn't go well.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I went to the start farm show, its once a year and this was its 95th year. I love going. I remember going last year because I was VERY pregnant with our little guy-he turns 1 on Saturday! Last year I went specifically to walk around hoping to induce labor. emoticon

This year I knew we were going to go but I didn't think I would have so much trouble saying no to the horrible food options. I ended up eating terribly and then for dinner because I was exhausted from being there all day we got take out-chinese take out. Didn't go well either. My boys (three kids and hubby) all like lo mein and general tso's and instead of ordering something seperate I just figured I'd share with them. Ate too much bad crap. I feel bloated and tired. I didn't get a workout in at all today, hoping to get on the Wii for a bit before bed in a few minutes. Now I know how this food makes me feel and next time I will make better decisions.

On a good note, instead of pushing a stroller I put my 23 lb 11 mo in the Ergo (baby carrier) and kept him on my back the whole time we were there! Yay!

Tomorrow is a new day and I'm ready for it. Back to the plan. Back to the gym. I'm going to make up for all this. I'm ready.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SCRAPPYGRAMMY 1/14/2011 10:20PM

    Sure you had a workout - walking around at the Farm Show. The day wasn't all lost. Hope you enjoyed the day "out". And sometimes it's okay to eat "off". I must confess that I bought a bag of Fritos to share with DD3 today. (I got my workout helping her scrub floors, clean freezer, etc. and much etc. getting ready to re-open the cafe/coffee shop she's going to be running) emoticon

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NIKKIV2 1/13/2011 11:18AM

    You know we all have those days plus you did get a workout with your little guy on your back all day! You will get better with the "bad" food choices and one day doesn't have to be the end. Each day is a new start and it sounds like you are on your way!

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MANDI99P 1/13/2011 10:48AM

    nothing wrong with an off day now and then. you just let it go and get back on track the next. I think those bad days are needd now and again to stay motivated.

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PUR_FRESH_JUICE 1/13/2011 12:40AM

    emoticon

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SORCERESSANTHEA 1/12/2011 11:36PM

    It happens, I guess, but that's the spirit, just pick yourself up and start again :)
Can only imagine how difficult it must be to have 4 people not understanding how hard it can be to say no...

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