VERLOREN1983   6,446
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Week 2 Check In~

Monday, July 08, 2013

I did do a check in last week, I just didn't do a journal because... well, I never got around to it, and then there's been a lot of drama in my personal life that I really don't feel like getting into.

My scale has been on the fritz the last several days- it would error out half the time, and when it didn't the weights were really weird and it took a long time to get one that actually repeated. And yes, I did try changing the batteries, it didn't help. For this morning's weigh in, I finally pulled out a different scale I'd had. It puts me 2.4 pounds heavier than yesterday- I do feel a little bloated today, so I'm not sure how much of the gain is bloated vs. different scale. Eh.

Either way, that still leaves me with a 3.4 pound loss for this week, and it was 3.8 pounds last week, which makes for a total of 7.4 pounds lost and 1.4 BMI points. Yahoo! For the record, current numbers stand at 211.4 pounds with a 42.7 BMI. Definitely on track, weight wise. From previous experience, I tend to lose faster at first and then mostly slow down to a crawl later, so it all kind of evens out in the end. I'm not worried about that. emoticon

Everything else? Eh. I was drinking at least a 16 oz bottle of water a day, but I've slipped on that and have been drinking iced tea, because it's been really hot and gross. I've also not been eating anywhere NEAR what I should be, because of drama and depression and so on. I've said this before, but it bears repeating since it's been a long time- my body reacts to stress in one of two ways, as far as food is concerned. I either binge or starve. Well, not starve exactly, but I pretty much lose my appetite. There's no in-between on those two extremes, though I do sometimes swing from one to the other in the same episode. That's basically what's happening now, with a much heavier emphasis on the no-appetite side.

Goal for this week as far as health-stuff is concerned? I need to take care of myself on at least a basic level. That means trying really hard to get some sleep, even if that means taking some melatonin or something- I've been having a really hard time with insomnia lately and I've been completely losing my mind with the lack of sleep. It hasn't been pretty, especially yesterday. I also need to make sure that I -at least- get 1000 calories a day. Which I know is still less than I need for basic functioning, but I haven't even been managing that lately, so. Definitely needs to be fixed before I get sick. Speaking of... I'm going to have something to eat now. And then going to try for a nap. Until next time! ^_^

  
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CRAFTINWIFE 7/8/2013 8:06PM

    emoticon emoticon

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NICKLESPICKLES 7/8/2013 10:02AM

    emoticon a day at a time, one moment at a time...be kind and gentle with yourself. I have to learn that too...and as my teenage daughter always inscribes on her cards to me...Keep On Trucking:)

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Insomniac Update

Friday, June 28, 2013

I know it's only been a few days, but I can't sleep, so I figured I'd post.

Things are going reasonably well. I'm using the food tracker here on Spark, which I've never actually done- I always kept a rough running count of calories going in a note on my phone or something and that was about it. So this is new and different. The first day, I wasn't actually trying to restrict anything, just seeing where I was. I was... over a bit for where I would LIKE my calories, but it wasn't outrageous or anything and still well under 2k- considering that I'm pretty sure I've been over that for most days in the last year, I'll take it. After that, calories have been reigned in to a range I'm comfortable with. Point 1 for me.

I've been weighing myself every day, even if that weight hasn't budged a single bit and I'm getting a little bit irritated. Point 2 for me.

(As a TMI aside here, I'm now officially eight days late, which I'm sure has something to do with the scale being so uncooperative. I'm also completely and utterly miserable. I'm sure you ladies know what I mean when I say that my body is having an absolute CONNIPTION at this point- I'm all super bloated and migrainey and crampy and it's just not a fun time. As much as I hate it, it needs to just get here so I can get it over with and move on with my freaking life already.)

It's not eight, but I've been increasing my water intake- I've now had two glasses of water for three days in a row now. Point 3 for me.

And I purchased more fiber gummies and have been actually taking them, two days in a row. Point 4 for me.

The food tracker has pointed out some things to me- while I've been, on average, in range as far as calories, fat, carbs, and protein, my fiber intake is severely lacking. Like. Barely in the double digits. Ungh. Need to work on that, but slowly, since apparently increasing it a significant amount in a short time will do bad things to my digestive system, which is the LAST thing I need right now.

So. Still needs work? Absolutely. But it's progress. I'll take it.

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Apparently "coming back" means "slide back into bad habits and don't post for over a year"

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The good news, since I've been gone? I quit my soul-sucking job and finally, FINALLY went back to school. I finished up my first year of college with a 3.87 cumulative GPA, an award in Biology, and a writing award. Oh yeah, and I somehow ended up being the president of the school's GSA.

The bad news? It came at a high price- the "freshman 15" was more like 35. Basically, I've gained back 35.4 of the pounds that I lost since the last time I recorded my weight in SP, which was 183.2. You do the math. It might've been higher right after finals, actually, but this is the first time I've been on a scale in a long time, because I just didn't want to know. It's worth being said, though, that I'm several days late for my period, and so there's probably some bloat weight in there too. Might be closer to 30 pounds than 35. Still, though...

I'm so ashamed of myself there aren't even words.

Seriously, it's embarrassing. I just. The worst part is that the shame isn't even the worst part. I've never been particularly comfortable with my body, but it WAS getting better, sort of. Now... I'm incredibly uncomfortable inside my own body all the time. ALL THE TIME. Nothing fits right anymore, and I actually had to dig out my old fat jeans. I'm hurting all the time- either my knees or my arches, sometimes both. I have to do something about this over the summer, because I can't keep doing this. I am miserable with my body right now. It's just a matter of pulling myself out of the funk I've been in to deal with it.

On the upside, I've already done something major- I've quit drinking coffee almost completely at this point, which I got into during spring semester. Seriously, that was a HUGE portion of my caloric intake. I can't deal with regular coffee for both taste and acidity reasons (my body revolts after one cup and I have stomach cramps for DAYS after. I've tried. I've also tried tea, before anybody says anything, and I strongly dislike it without a half a ton of sugar, which defeats the entire point), so I got to drinking those Starbucks Vanilla Frappucino things at school. At 200 calories a pop. And I typically had two on a school day, sometimes three, and that was just liquid calories not even counting food. Um. Yeah. Like I said, it was a problem. It's been a lot better, though- I haven't really had any in a while now. Though I think that's probably not contributing to my "funk" because I'm just freaking exhausted all the time. Meh.

Also, I need to start weighing myself daily again, because that helps me keep on track even though it makes me a little crazy.

The biggest problem is that the food needs to get under control. As was the case when I was originally starting out, it's not so much the volume as WHAT it is. I got back into some really bad habits at school. Here's the thing, I take the bus- which I'm typically catching at about 6:30 in the morning. So anything I'd bring for food would have to not get gross for a good long while. The other problem with bringing lunches has been that the bus is often PACKED. Think sardines. So there's a good chance that things I brought would be squashed, or in the case of certain packaging, might burst with pressure. Sooo I haven't been packing lunches, and what's at school is what a friend summed up as "college food", otherwise known as crap. It's ALL sub-par and anything that's even remotely healthy looking is, of course, a lot more expensive. And there aren't a whole lot of other options as far as going off-campus, either. It's all fast food and a grocery store where everything costs twice as much as in the one by my house. Seriously. It's freaking ridiculous and I'm not willing to spend that kind of money on a regular basis. Anyway, so yeah, between that and a whole lot of stress eating, I've created a real mess here. I've been eating like absolute crap, and it hasn't gotten any better since I went on break. I just... yeah. Need to do that. A project over the summer is trying to figure out how to bring lunches without it getting squashed/all over my backpack/gross. I'm also wary of getting a lunch bag, because of not only space on the bus, but also the fact that I'm a derp and I tend to leave stuff under my chair (seriously, I've done that SO many times with my umbrella when it wasn't dry enough to put back in my bag). There are microwaves that are easily accessible, so I could do to-go soup things, those aren't terribly expensive, and I could eat those out of the container. I purchased a cheap plastic sandwich holder which will hopefully hold up against squashing. Almonds are good for snacking as long as I divvy them out ahead of time, which isn't really that big of a deal, I just have to remember to pack all of my stuff in the morning, you know? Hard veggies like baby carrots maybe. Protein bars. Other than that, I have absolutely no clue. Although at least if all else fails, I guess I can always get a baked potato at Wendy's or something, or spend the little extra to get a salad or whatever at school.

Also need to start with vitamins and water again, because I definitely feel better when I'm doing that... not to mention that to add insult to injury with everything else, my skin has gone go complete hell. Meh.

And of course, the last piece of the puzzle- working out. Moving more, at least. Something's wrong with my Wii board, so I really need to figure that out. I'd bought a rechargeable battery pack for it, but it won't turn on even though it should be charged. I dunno. Maybe the pack is bad. Must investigate. Exercise is the last thing on the list for a reason, though- the other stuff, particularly food, is more important to start with, and working out is the hardest thing to make myself do because I freaking hate it. Baby steps.

I will also more or less be wiping the slate clean here, at least on my profile and whatnot. I have enough guilt about this without being reminded about how I've failed. Plus it'll be easier with the Wii vs bathroom scale thing, because with essentially starting over, I can just use the bathroom scale and be done with it. Bam. Basically, all this boils down to just doing what I was doing before. Unfortunately. It's hard enough to begin with, you guys know that, but it's even harder a second time when you know exactly how much work it is. But... I just need to freaking do it. I've done this before. I know the routine. I can do it again, dammit. I just have to buckle down and actually do it. Easier said than done, as I've proven quite effectively with my numerous failed restarts. But really? I just need the spark to work once. That's what I'm looking for here. I'm not going to make any promises- bad things seem to happen when I do that- but we'll see what happens.

  
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VERLOREN1983 6/26/2013 3:25AM

    2BMYOWN- Yeah, I do. It sucks, but it's got to be done, right? I'm trying not to beat myself up too much... trying being the key word. I'm a perfectionist, it's in my nature. ^_~ And yeah, one day at a time is my basic philosophy with these kinds of things- that's why I'm such a big fan of starting slowly. It builds confidence and motivation when those are always at their lowest in the beginning, at least in my experience. Today I'm tracking. Not even necessarily consciously cutting, just keeping an eye on things (though tracking does lend itself to scaling back anyway, regardless). Tomorrow I'll add something else. ^_^

CRAFTINWIFE- Thanks~ :D

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CRAFTINWIFE 6/25/2013 8:32PM

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2BMYOWN 6/25/2013 11:59AM

    Don't you hate the perpetual cycle of starting over ad nauseum? Been there, still doing it, to a certain point, altho not as badly as in the past. But then I am much older than you and MY 'scare point' came in that I began to get blood sugar readings that were highly out of the norm and that was a tremendous wake up call to me that has managed to stick with me and give me the fortitude that I lacked prior to that....so overall, I guess it was a blessing in disguise. But don't be embarrassed or guilty or any of those things, that can really defeat you when you use that to just feel worse about yourself. I have come to think that the biggest reason we gain weight to begin with is already because of poor self-image, so we 'hide' behind the layers. Then you compound the guilt over our perceived self-failures on top of that....well, it just adds to the cycle and compounds the problem. Much better to just view it as a normal slip of a normal person due to life circumstances and then go on from there without castigating yourself for being human and make that particular day (and the next...and the next....) a little better. Or at least that is how I have come to view it....whether that works for someone else is a catch-22. LOL

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Slowly coming back

Friday, March 02, 2012

Haha, so much for journaling. Whoops.

Things have been better, behavior wise. I'm taking vitamins again, cutting down on the soda drastically (not that I was drinking a ton of it or anything, but it was sneaking in again. XD), and I am, once again, keeping track of my calories. Meh. I still don't like that part. So tedious. Unfortunately, it's something I need to do if I'm going to lose weight and not just maintain where I am. While maintaining would be FINE if I was a foot taller, alas, I'm not. I'm also weighing myself again, which means I have an actual official weigh in from Tuesday! It's a shock, I know. :P On the bathroom scale, I got a 175 even, which is nice, and on the Wii scale it put me at 169.5 (34.18 BMI), which is... not so nice, because it said I'd gained something like four pounds since last time. Who knows how accurate that is though, really. The scale has been on a downward trend since Monday, which is fabulous. I've only been keeping track of calories again the last few days.

Still not working out, but one step at a time, right?

Physically, my body is apparently still rearranging itself, even though it's been... what, a year since I lost any significant amount of weight? Which has a good point and a bad point. Good: My work pants were pretty much falling off me, so I went to Old Navy earlier this week and got new pants. FREAKING SIZE 12's. Not 12/14's with a stretchy waistband- solid honest to god 12's. I know the rule on the internet is pics or it didn't happen, so here ya go. Apologies for the terrible quality photo, my webcam sucks and I need to charge the batteries for my digital camera.



And they're comfortable, though it's weird wearing non-baggy pants at work. XD So that's awesome. Not so awesome: the bras I just bought a few months ago do not fit properly anymore. There is a lot of... creative rearranging involved in making sure I'm not falling out all over the place. Ugh. And I was so enjoying the DDD thing. :(

Okay, I need to go to bed- it's almost 4:30 and I haven't felt good almost all day... I just wanted to post this before I put it off AGAIN- bits and pieces of this have been sitting on my computer for WEEKS. Hopefully it won't be two months before I post again... :D

  


Refinding the Spark

Friday, December 23, 2011

Well hello there. emoticon Happy Holidays, by the way, whatever you celebrate. Here's hoping 2012 is better than 2011.



To quote a song I really like... it's been a while. Too long, really. I'd love to tell you that I've been keeping up with everything and just not posting, but that would be a lie. There are a lot of reasons that I disappeared, from boredom to embarrassment- I wasn't progressing, I knew I wasn't progressing, and I was mortified posting the same basic message every week: "Nothing's changed, I suck, blah blah blah." So I just stopped doing it. Eventually, I stopped weighing myself as well. That's never a good sign. emoticon



The good news is that I really haven't gained any weight over my break. The last weigh in I believe I was 177, and when I got on the scale yesterday, it said 178 even. That needs to be taken with a grain of salt due to monthly timing, but still. I didn't really move much either way. That's an accomplishment in and of itself when everyone tells you how hard it is to maintain. Honestly, I don't think it's that hard. I'm doing the same things I've BEEN doing, at least with the food. More or less. I'm not saying I'm perfect or anything by any stretch, but I certainly haven't gone back to my old ways food wise. It really just reinforces that this is a LIFE CHANGE, and a sustainable one at that. I can make healthier food choices even when I'm not doing anything else. emoticon



Working out... not so much. ^_^;;; But that was true before I disappeared, too.



So what's been going on since I last wrote? A lot of the same. Work is crazy this time of year. I'm procrastinating on starting community college applications. I do want to get them done and over with before I have to start dealing with FAFSA stuff, so I can't put them off too much longer. Soon. There is also the possibility of a visit to Japan in the spring... though that depends a lot on finances and what happens between now and the deadline at the end of February, so we'll see. I'm trying to not get my hopes up too high. emoticon



Basically, I need to find the Spark again. This is made more difficult in that it wasn't just one solid thing that sparked me in the first place. It was a build up of things, really. A timely realization right when I'd gained eight pounds. I mean, this started off with me trying to lose those eight pounds- and if I lost more, then yay. We're about 50 pounds later, so a definite YAY. Even if I never lose another pound, I've accomplished something huge. emoticon



I lost my motivation along the way. Well... okay, I know exactly when and how I lost it, to be totally fair. I've been limping along the past year and a half, trying to pretend that I hadn't -totally- lost my mojo. Knowing the hows and whys doesn't help bring it back, though. emoticon



First things first, though- I need to start journaling weekly again (even if it IS just to say "nothing's changed"), and weighing myself. Water hasn't been bad, but there's still room for improvement. Vitamins need to improve- ESPECIALLY the multi and the D, because I've been really tired lately. I need to start going to bed at a decent hour (for me) so I can get up and work out before I go to work... since we established some time ago that if I don't do it before work, I just don't do it. One step at a time. Baby ones. I have some things in line, I just need to slowly work on the rest of it again, that's all. emoticon

  
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GLORY63 12/23/2011 7:18AM

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First thing - congratulations on not gaining any weight back. That is a big accomplishment.

Second thing - you can do this! If you haven't been working out for a while, try doing just 10 minutes in the morning 2-3 times a week and work yourself up to more. Just knowing you can do 10 minutes helps with the motivation. For me, at least, it was! I now am up to 35 minutes 5-6 times a week.

We are all in this together and are here to support you if you need it! Because one day you may be the one that needs to support us when we get down!

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LRK4CHRIST 12/23/2011 4:59AM

    Thx for sharing! May God bless u!

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