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Grr.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

GRR. Just... grr.

So I know I've gained weight. But I haven't weighed myself in a while, and my favorite pair of jeans have been hanging out in my sewing room waiting for a couple of strategic patches on a couple of weak points. Yes, the weak points are the inner thighs, but that's normal. I'm a stocky girl, I have meaty thighs, and so it has been since I was 12. It made me laugh to realize the thighs were now wearing faster than the knees, which I was more used to. Anywhoooooo... today I weighed myself. TWO POUNDS from my heaviest recorded adult weight. Joy. I made myself the biggest glass of ice water I could find to drown my sorrows, and proceeded to get dressed. New nerd tee (Supernatural FTW) and my newly patched jeans... that I can barely button.

(*&^%$#@#$%^&*(!!!11one

REALLY??? Is this where I am right now? UGH.

Jonathan and I had to put a halt on our walkies due to his work training, and now that he's fully employed he's not home until well into the evening, sometimes well after I've gone to bed. Yes, I could go walking by myself, but... I dunno, I'm kind of iffy about venturing off by myself without a car or piece of reliable escape transportation. At one point we were across state for a week, and then there was inventory where I swear I worked far more than what my paycheck told me... and... rassa-frackin'.

So yeah. I'm rather angry right now. At myself, mostly, for not keeping my own self in check. At work, for being so draining that by the time I get home it's all I've got to pull of my work clothes and make it to a solid piece of furniture before falling asleep. At cooking, for being so boring and unmotivating. At food, because why the hell are the tastiest things so unhealthy. At my taste buds, for disliking what's considered healthy (seriously, the taste and texture of most vegetables makes me gag)... I'm just angry at everything. Hell, my stomach was grumbling at me at lunchtime and I just glared at my fridge for a full five minutes before flinging the door open and pulling out the least unhealthy thing I had (sliced turkey, low sodium cheese, bag o' green grapes, and the water jug), muttering darkly all the while. Yeah, I kind of slammed the door when I was done. Sorry, 'fridge. Wasn't your fault.

One positive about my job, however, is that I regularly fully light up my Spark stepper thingie. :) Almost everyone who starts work at my store notices a weight loss after several weeks. They exclaim over how they had to buy a belt because their pants won't stay up, and how their polos are hanging a bit more loosely. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them, but dammit, why am I the only one who didn't lose? Then again, I'm the only one with farked up hormones, so... I got that going for me, which sucks. *lol*

Jonathan knows I'm frustrated. I commented that a good half my closet is now uncomfortably tight where this time last year it was fine. Some of my jeans were even a smidge too big. He says he understands, that we'll try harder in future, and he even admits that he needs to stop being a "fatass" as he says... but... we're still on the same habits. He's done nothing to change, and really, neither have I. And I'm pissed.

I hate when I get this way because it throws me all out of whack. I'm too angry to eat. I don't want to eat. Eating is what got me here in the first place. If I could get by on a cracker, a grape, and a glass of water a day I totally would. I'd be miserable but I'd do it. And yet there's a part of me that wants to say, "Effit!" and go eat a pizza by myself.

If headdesking wouldn't leave a nasty bruise on my expansive forehead, I'd be doing that right now.

*sigh*

So that's where I am right now. Laying on my back in the dirt, glaring at the horse that just bucked me off and is now prancing in mocking circles around my body. Once again... as I say every time I make an entry... here I go, brushing the dust and hay off of my ever-widening ass, getting ready to haul myself back into the saddle. Here's to the next time I fall off and hit the dirt. *salute*

  


Take THAT, medical anxiety! :P

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I did it! I passed! Hot Diggity Daffodil! (Yeah, do the Bender! Everybody do the Bender! *robot dance*)

Today was the day, returning to the doc's to see if my BP was off due to meds or nerves... The last three weeks have seen an average of 123/67, and made sure to take my BP an hour before my visit (126/69), and there I went, armed with this knowledge and a book I've read a million times before... and tada! I passed!

I joked with Jonathan that I should take him with me so that I could hug up on him while they do my pressure because he's a very calming influence. "Waaaaaait! I need my huggie thing!" *lol* So, when it came to the moment of truth, I sat up very straight, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and thought about him giving me a shoulder rub. Hoo boy, dropped my blood pressure to zen-like levels. *lol* Seriously, it's what I think about when I can't fall asleep; I imagine a good, deep shoulder/neck/upper back rub and it relaxes me right out.

I've never actually had a full body massage, but I'm pretty sure I'd fall asleep on the table if I did. ^_^

Jonathan was amused when I told him of my visualization. "Yeah, I know how you get. You're like a big ol' cat sometimes."

So yay, I can continue on my meds, no more worries. :)

Now to beat this congestion so I can get back outside on my walkies routine.

  


Those Puppy Feels

Saturday, May 10, 2014

It's amazing what a car ride and a walk on the beach will do for my disposition. *grin* I feel like a puppy on the Best Day Ever with my favorite human. I woke up this morning feeling awful, phlegmy and sore and raspy. I got halfway dressed and crashed on the sofa, wondering what to do with my day, considering I can't breathe through all the gunk in my head AND it's the second to last day of vacation (and really, who in their right mind looks forward to going back to retail, I ask you? [btw, this is rhetorical; no cheeky answers about people looking for work or people unable to work])... so I'm feeling angsty and restless and I'm falling asleep where I'm slumped on the sofa next to the BF watching the Auburn Car Auction on TV (and hoo baby, there were some gooooooorgeous cars being sold). Jonathan, being observant and thoughtful, realized that I'd been cooped up and miserable this last week, my paid week off work that I should have spent outdoors and enjoying myself. He knows that even though I'm a crafty introvert who enjoys spending time cloistered in my sewing space, I need to be out in nature on the regular to recharge. "Why don't we get dressed and go to the beach for walkies?"
"Walkies?" I peel my eyelids open. "Beach?" My mental tail starts to hopefully wag.
"Yup. We'll grab lunch and get outside for a while."
At this point my brain was already sitting by the front door, leash held between its teeth. So I finished dressing, we walked down to the car, rolled 3 out of 4 windows down (passenger window's got a short), and away we go. After a few minutes of wind in my hair and sun on my skin I was feeling pretty darn good. Lunch was procured, and beach was achieved. BTW, I sprung for the state park license plate endorsement once again, so we can get into the dunes all summer for $11. There were more folk than expected there (ugh, tourist season...), but that didn't deter us from walking a total of three miles of shoreline. By the time we got back to the car I had my pockets full of quartz, shells, and beach glass. Many folk had brought their dogs to the beach as well, and they must have sensed my inner-puppy because most of them came up for a sniff-n-pet. I'm telling you, dog therapy works every time. :)

Unfortunately, Jonathan felt it was far too early to dip any parts of our bodies in the lake. *lol* He's worried about how I've been under the weather all this last week, and reminded me that this winter left the lakes 94% frozen over, so we may not want to plan any swimming trips until AFTER he's done with work training in August. I was only going to put my feet in, I swear. :)

I'll admit, I thought the hike back up the beach to the car was going to be the end of me. As I am asthmatic and can barely breathe through my nose right now (and even though it was only barely 70 degrees out, my black shirt made me miserably overheated), I was sounding godawful once we hit flat pavement. And the BF had the gall to ask me if I wanted to hike the main dune. *pfft* Maybe next time.

Since mom's day is tomorrow, we stopped at the local meat & produce market on the way home and picked up veggies and a roast to put together at grandma's, and voila.

That said... I've been under radio silence for a couple days while I transferred everything over to a new computer. I finally broke down and replaced the janky tower currently sitting in my coat closet. I've been working off a borrowed tower for half a year, but now I finally have a setup to call my own. My only issue is it's Windows 8. WTF. It took me forever to figure out, and another half a forever to get updates downloaded and installed. OY. I finally reinstated my SparkTracker, and voila. Now I need to figure out why it's glitching out on SparkPeople. Kept giving me weird tab-ads and not granting points for reading articles. :P

And now that the reality that summer WILL be arriving, I need to get off my butt and go look for some cherry print swimsuit fabric on eBay! I can't be seen in last year's suit, now can I? ;)

That said, I think a quick nap before dinner sounds smashing. Who's with me? ^_^

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATTYKLAVER 5/11/2014 1:59PM

    Now you got me wanting to go to the beach.

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Y u no budge, scale?!

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

I confess myself... irritated. There's really only so much baked chicken I can handle, seriously. *snort* So, I've been eating healthier, keeping up with walkies... well, save for the last couple of days because my sinuses went seven kinds of haywire and I'm congested as all get out so I can't breathe well right now... chugging water, doing all those things one should do when trying to lose weight... and nothing. Haven't lost a thing. I stay within a 3 pound range and it's irritating as fark. My clothes aren't fitting differently, either. I'd be fine with maintaining weight if my clothes were looser, but they're not. The ONLY thing that's going well is my blood pressure. It's the only thing about me that's normal! *lol* So I got that going for me, which is nice. XD

I'm off to strap myself to a chair, shove a bare lightbulb in my face, and interrogate me as to what I need to do extra to make the jeans fit looser.

  
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PRINCESS_SOFI 5/6/2014 11:58AM

    Try fish.

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Fighting a Hereditary Battle... Game On!

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

And now I have a rubbed-raw ankle to add to my blisters. Time for new shoes, methinks. Seriously, the back of my sock is caked in blood. When the frack did THAT happen? *lol* I am soooo hardcore. To be honest, when it started getting bad I was at the end of the riverwalk so I had to just grit my teeth and about face. I focused on my stride, my breathing, and my boyfriend's backside to keep from thinking about my feet. *grin* I'll admit, we took a wee bit of a shortcut back, taking the main road and cutting across, then coming up the back way to our apartment. It doesn't shave too much distance off, but it's not as rough a walk. The road we live on is so badly patched that the only thing that would save it would be to rip it up completely.

Anyway... I had my yearly "how's yer father" yesterday afternoon. The place I used to go to just stopped offering women's health and family planning services, so I found somewhere closer to home. New place, new staff (who are all delightful, btw), and all new fresh anxieties. I don't know why I go into full-on panic mode entering new places, but there I was going to an exam I've had several times before, totally routine, and my heart was pounding fit to burst, leaving me lightheaded and ready to hyperventilate. My body was freaking out, my brain was rolling its eyes and telling me to STFU. Unfortunately, this lead to my blood pressure registering way higher than normal. As usual. *sigh*

Now, it was in my medical records I had transferred over that I have "white-coat hypertension." I freak out in clinical settings, no matter how routine. The usual procedure is to take my BP at the start of the visit, and once the exam is over let me zen out for 5-10 minutes and come back and take it again. The 2nd reading is always much lower and more acceptable. This still concerned my old NP, which led to me buying a home monitor to show that my BP isn't up ALL the time, just when I'm anxious. Once I was given the all clear, I stopped monitoring. Welll... this WAS a very sedentary winter, and the boyfriend is a bad influence on my mealtime habits... and I've gained weight... (Ugh, thanks for reminding me, self!) so my BP was elevated more than even I'm comfortable with. The new NP, Jennifer, is concerned that it's not just my anxiety and wants me to return in a month and see if it's improved. She didn't take a second one right then, so I'm a wee miffed... long story short, I'm now overhauling my diet and throwing myself into getting off my arse more to show that my BP is fine, it's my "cat-in-a-dogshow" nerves that are causing me issues.

Part of me is really regretting telling her about my dad's heart attack last year. Technically, the question was "Has a parent/sibling had a heart-attack before the age of 50?" and he was 56, a smoker, and very sedentary. Once I told her that whole saga I got the furrowed brows and notations on my chart. *sigh* So here I am worrying my arse off about hereditary issues once again. Heart problems on dad's side, hormonal on mom's.

(I'm picturing that dude from Mad About You yelling, "why can't I WIN, Lord?" right now...)

We also discussed my job and how my previous NP wanted me to flat-out quit due to the stress it was causing me. It's to the point where I get nauseated and anxious on the drive in. :P Yay, retail. *gag* Other than that, we had a good time. I had most of the staff laughing at my happy-go-lucky self, and I came away with a gold star on my checkup chart. :)

In other random news, I'm really wishing that The Doctor would come pick me up for one evening, just one evening, so I could go back in time to find my childhood/preteen self and eat a big ol' bowl of salad in front of her. I'd eat the whole thing, making yummy noises the entire time, and laugh as she gagged in disgust. :D I have no idea when the salad switch was turned on for me, but there we are. Go figure. :) Maybe it's the crunch.

Aaaaaand I'm spent. Time to go doctor my ankle and rustle up some dinner.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VELVETALCHEMIST 4/23/2014 10:05AM

    Thanks. :) My ankle is much better today. Once I cleaned up the blood and let it air out, I only have two little scabs left. No worse than a shaving nick. But hey, great excuse to buy new shoes, and who doesn't like that! *lol*

Comment edited on: 4/23/2014 10:06:00 AM

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GEORGE815 4/22/2014 6:46PM

    Good luck with your ankle. Sometimes we don't know what we are inflicting on our selves.

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