Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I'm sure I've gained weight and I feel like crap.
I don't know what to do anymore. Or rather, I know what I should do/have to do... I just don't know if I have the strength to do it.
Lord help me. Save me!
Monday, August 13, 2012
I've been letting the comments of people at work get to me. 2 people have commented that I've gained weight. Just because I don't look gaunt anymore doesn't mean my weight has changed (though it has because I'm gaining muscle.) I'm just 'filling out' in the right places after having been under such a restrictive diet in the past. I'm bustier, cheekier and my butt no longer sags, thanks to exercise.
And if I did gain weight, then so what? That doesn't give them the right to make tactless, off-hand comments. Friends keep telling me not to worry about it, it's part of our 'culture' blah blah blah. But that doesn't take away the sting. Coming from an eating disordered past (binge eating), this sh*t is tough. I'm trying my best - taking it one day, one workout at a time - to stay in shape, to stay healthy. And it is crazy hard. I wish I could say that maintaining was a piece of cake (or carrot, since that's my current favorite veg and so much better than cake.)
I wish they knew that before opening their traps and making remarks about another person's body. If they knew what's it like to choose not to run to food for comfort after growing up with the habit. If they knew what it's like to choose to exercise instead of watching TV all day long. If they knew what it's like to be so ashamed of your body that you hole up in your room and refuse to see other people. If only they knew.
I pray that they may never be saddled with an eating disorder and that they may lead long, fulfilling lives. I forgive them. And more importantly, I forgive myself for letting their words have power over me.
I don't want to be made to feel ashamed about my body. I just realized that feelings of shame and hatred can only come from me. I control how I react to my environment... and it shouldn't be the other way around. I wanted to write to the VP of Human Resources and tell him that employees should be more careful about what they say to co-workers and to keep things professional but then again, you can never fully control other people's actions. So go ahead, office people. Talk about how fat I am and I'll show you how fit I can be.
That being said, I've decided to create a more focused fitness plan with goals and a timeline.
It's still pretty rough, I want to fill in the details but I think I'm off to a good start.
I have the opportunity to shape my body
and my future. Lets do this.
Sculpt and tone my body I want my loose skin to tighten up (belly, arms, thighs).
Lose 15 lbs.
Bring body fat down to 15%. (Currently at 17%)
I want nice lean muscles.
I want a flat stomach and a well-defined back.
I want a flat-ish butt.
I want a thigh gap. (Hehe.)
I want to be strong and lean I want to be able to do 20 full push-ups. I also want to be able to do a pull-up.
I want to work on my endurance I want to run a 10K without stopping by the end of 2012.
I want to do it right this time through proper diet and exercise.
Fitness First with Personal Trainer + Intermittent Fasting concept
I commit to going to the gym at least 3x a week and working out from home 2x a week.
Eat clean. Indulge once in a while. (90/10 rule)
By August 2013 - yep I'm giving myself a year to achieve this. Taking it slow and steady this time.
WHO? Working towards this body - strong, lean and fit!
Thursday, August 09, 2012
I can't believe I haven't posted in over a month! So much has been going on - some lows but also many highs. Today was definitely a high day!
I've been struggling with body image issues in the past month. After being so big for so long, I guess my brain has gotten used to seeing myself as fat. And being the extremist I am, it's either I go big or go home. In this case, it's either go stick thin or go...jump out a window. This past month, there where days that I'd feel as if I were as big as a house. I felt like everyone was judging me by my weight. I was so paranoid that people (friends, family, strangers) would look at me and think, Oh there goes the whale. I guess it didn't help that some people in the office said it seemed like I was gaining weight (NOT TRUE) and that my cheeks seemed fuller.
With that mindset, I 'figured' that well, since I'm already 'fat', might as well eat the whole world...and then I'd proceed to having out-of-this-world binges. I'd been swinging between diet and binge mentality and it was just so stressful and tiring. Couldn't focus on anything - work, family, friends, etc.
But today I think it finally clicked. I've decided (just now) that I want to be strong and lean, not gaunt and skinny. I want to look healthy, I want to be healthy. I was just telling my mom that the people who inspire most in the gym aren't the young, fit, toned men and women that I see (though of course they motivate me to a certain degree as wel) but instead, the older members with graying hair, big smiles and amazing endurance and perseverance.
Today in Body Combat class, I saw two elderly gentlemen - both probably in their late 60s or early 70s. One was struggling a bit - he didn't have full range of motion of his arms and legs and he couldn't do all the jumps and kicks but he stayed through the WHOLE class. I saw him again afterward, lifting weights with his personal trainer. The other one was just a bundle of energy - high kicks, high jumps, full-on punches and during the core circuit, he did full push ups. During the class, I'd look at him when I felt like giving up. When we had to do high knees and I felt like giving only 80% effort, I saw him jumping like there was no tomorrow and I pushed myself to do the same - if he can do it, then i can do it too. Both gentlemen are amazing and they remind me that I'm doing this (eating healthy, exercising, etc.) because I want to grow old happy and strong.
Back to today's awesomeness.
Started out awesome. (Warning: the word 'awesome' will probably be overused in this entry but I'm too tired to think of any other adjective for the awesomeness of today.)
Kicked off the day with an awesome circuit workout c/o Women's Health Magazine. MacBooks are indeed multipurpose gadgets - they can blast out music AND serve as magazine stands!
The circuit looked easy on print but was more challenging in reality. It consisted of 8 compound moves (I did 2 sets x 15 reps using 5lb dumbbells)
1. Reverse Lunge with Rotation and Bicep Curls
2. Deadlift to High Pull (Upright Rows)
3. Stability Ball with Tricep Extensions
4. Squat with Leg Abduction and Lateral Raise
5. V-Sit Incline Press
6. Plank Hold with Single Arm Row
7. Hamstring Curl with Chest Press (on Stability Ball)
8. Side Plank with Rear Fly
I had to modify the Hamstring Curl on stability ball because I kept rolling off. Instead I did dumbbell flies with double leg raises. I also fell down a couple of times during the plank hold with single arm row but I picked myself up again. When my arms got tired, I modified to a 'knee' plank but I kept going. It was an awesome way to get my blood pumping this morning.
Breakfast was just as awesome: yogurt, flaxseed, oatmeal and a cinnamon apple. Forgot to take a picture cos my boss walked in as I was about to take my first bite. Had to eat in a hurry! Haha.
Work wasn't too bad today. I spent a lot of time researching supermarket trends without my boss asking me to and when I shared what I'd learned over casual conversation, she liked my ideas and asked me to put it in her presentation. WIN! SCORE!
Wasn't too hungry come lunch time since I had breakfast late but I knew I had to have enough fuel for an afternoon at the gym. Besides, I wanted to try the Eden Organic Vegetable Spirals that I bought from the health food store yesterday. I had it with a tuna/spinach/shiitake/tomato stirfry. Happy to report that it was de-licious and totally satisfying. I only finished half (and didn't even touch the hardboiled egg) because I wanted to save space for a banana and besides, I was already pretty full.
Yay for leftovers!
I stepped out of the office at around 4:30 and was welcomed by the bright sunlight - so nice to see blue skies after nine days of rain! Headed to the gym straight from work (after dropping my mom off), all giddy and excited to work out.
Today's gym session was quite unstructured since I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. I recently joined Fitocracy, which is like Facebook and Sparkpeople combined, and I am totally obsessed. It has quests you can complete and badges you can unlock and today I wanted to work on achieving some of them.
1. Achievement: Let's Get Outta Here - Cycle 100km in your lifetime
-- Progress: Did 5k on the stationary bike today! 7k total so far
2. Achievement: I Seem To Be Lost - Run 32.2km in your lifetime
-- Progress: Did 1.5k on the treadmill today. 2.5k total so far (I think)
3. G90 Sanity XZ Power Pump - Log at least 160 minutes of BootCamp-like group workouts within 7 Days
-- Progress: Did 60 mins of body combat today. 60 mins total so far!
4. Achievement: Get Low - Do a barbell squat (at least 1 rep) for at least 0.8x bodyweight.
--Progress: Did 0.6x of bodyweight - 7 reps on the Smith(?) Machine. Ugh - just realized that I got it confused with the barbell press achievement! I thought only 0.6x was required, not 0.8! Oh well - another reason to go to the gym tomorrow. Still awesome though - it was my first time doing it and I couldn't believe I was lifting a barbell that heavy! Thank you to RA the gym trainer who spotted me and took my picture.
Was on such an awesome high that when I got home, I had to dance a little more. On deck: Domino by Jessie J and Watch n Learn by Rihanna. Then I had to shower because I was a sweaty mess and my tummy was starting to grumble.
Dinner came late but it was so good. Bowlful of Balsamic Roasted Brussel Sprouts (I wish I had these as a child - I don't know how anyone can hate brussel sprouts!), Bell Peppers and Eggplants with a Fruit Pizza (slices of cheddar, provolone and fontina on wholewheat tortilla topped with pineapple, apples and grapes!)
Ate this awesome meal while watching an awesome musical: Meet Me in St. Louis. I just 'discovered' this gem of a movie and I've watched it 3x in the past 2 days. I can't stop singing along to the songs (Clang, clang goes the trolley...)
This entry should more than make up for a month-long blog nap! Ready for bed and can't wait for an awesome night's sleep.
Have an awesome day/week/year/life, SparkFriends!
Sunday, July 08, 2012
My mom bought a nice, big juicy pineapple from the supermarket yesterday and today, a big chunk of it found its way to my belly!
That fine-apple gave me enough energy for a fine workout and thus, it inspired the title of today's circuit training session!
For larger view: i1097.photobucket.com/albums/g342/go
On a weird note, my trainer advised me to cut back on water. I drink 2-3 liters a day and he says it may be too much for my size. He's concerned that I sweat too much during my workout and that I may be holding on to too much water. I looked at him incredulously and said, BUT IT'S WATER and WATER IS GOOD FOR YOU!
Any thoughts? Is there such a thing as too much water? Is it time to switch trainers?
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