Tuesday, August 17, 2010
After a day in SD with my friend the nutritionist, I was talked into an all raw detox. She made me promise to eat enough calories every day while I was detoxing, and I agreed to try it for a week. Initially I was really excited about the idea of eating pretty much as MUCH as wanted of ANY fruit or veggie. It occured to me that in my calorie counting I have been depriving myself of the whole foods, fruits, and veggies that I crave. Instead of eating "high calorie" nutrient dense foods I have been filling up on chemical replacements for food.
I made it through yesterday on only raw plants, and even went out with friends last night to a concert in the park and managed to pass on beer and wine. It felt great. But when I got home I wanted to binge, I wanted to binge SO BADLY. Luckily I hadnt had anything to drink so I managed to keep myself from it, but it made me realize that its not the drinking that makes me want to binge. Nope, its how I deal with my feelings of inadequacy, how I treat my anxiety. That makes the binging problem much more difficult than before to fix. A drunk lock on the fridge won't make me stop hating myself and wanting to eat until I don't feel it anymore. Who knew a day of detox could teach me something.
But, I decided this morning not to carry on with the detox. I missed food. But, it did make me more aware of my bad diet decisions. So, I am going to try to work more whole fruits and veggies into my diet. There is no reason to deprive myself of sweet potatoes. If I were trying to live on just fruits and veggies I would NEED the calories from a sweet potato. So if I want to eat one, I can eat one. I probably should have stuck it out a little longer, but I wanted a real breakfast this morning, not just a pile of fruit. So I had an egg sandwich AND a pile of fruit, and now I feel great.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
This is going to be one of those useless rambling blogs, but indulge me, it's early in CA.
I woke up this morning feeling so wonderful and heatlhy. I walked off my stress yesterday and ate all my veggies and drank all my water. Yesterday when I woke up after drinking and eating too much I couldn't even pull myself out of bed. I wish I could bottle that feeling and put it on the shelf next to the beer and frosting as a reminder that it's just not worth it, even for the momentary pleasure. Since I've turned myself into a "grown up" I have started drinking more and more. We have wine parties and go out for drinks, or even have a beer with lunch, and I know it not only makes my struggle with my weigh harder, it makes me feel unhealthy.
Today I'm heading into San Diego to meet a friend from college. Usually I would think: San Diego has the best microbrews in southern california! We gotta go have a few, but I don't want to feel crappy tomorrow, and I know that even one to two beers will make my body sluggish come time for my Monday morning workout.
I'm not going to go over board and say I want to quit drinking. I know that's not realistic, but this "social drinking" thing isn't working out for me. My uncle (by marriage not genetics... we're blesses not to have any alcholism in the gene pool) had to quit drinking when I was a little girl and he still manages to get by. He brings a bottle of Sparkling Mineral water with him whenever he is going to be a drinking situation. It comes in all the same containers that booze does and has the same fizz without any of the calories or poison (okay, unless sodium counts as poison, but chose your battles here). I think I'm going to try only drinking one night a week this semester. I know that I won't be able to abstain EVERY day, but I'd like to try. This week I don't have any pre-scheduled drinking events yet, but next week I have 2. Then school starts back up and the amount of time for drinking drops dramatically anyway.
Okay, my oatmeal is gone and I have to get going if I want to make it to San Deigo at a reasonable time, but thanks for listening.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
This morning I couldn't make it to the gym because I had to be across town in the lab at 7am. Afterwards I went to the bridal shop to start what I originally thought would be a fun task: picking out the bridesmaids dresses for my sisters wedding. Before summer and the amazing expanding Veronica it may have been fun. Today, when I was unable to zip up a single sample size and looked like an orcha wrapped in taffeta in ALL of them, it was not fun. Yesterday I was finally starting to feel decently about myself, and unfortunately one hour of dress shopping managed to snatch away any ounce of self-esteem I had regained in the last few days. I have to go visit the bride in 13 days for the engagement party and I know she is going to drag me into every shop in town to try on dresses when all of the bridesmaids are together. I'm terrified by the thought! I don't want to be seen like this with my big bloated belly pooching over the sides of everything I own.
Tonight is the first night of a new class at my gym, it's a hula-cardio class of somesort. Zumba isn't exactly my favorite, but I'm going to go give this one a shot. I was almost excited about it this morning, and now I don't even want to go. I feel defeated. I want to grab a spoon and a pint of ice cream and be a shut in. Luckily I have my head on straight, and I know that a pint of ice cream is not going to make me feel better AT ALL. It is just going to make me want to eat a jar of peanut butter and drink a bottle of wine, then hate myself for a couple of days.
So, at 4 o'clock I'm going to don my gym clothes and get the heck out of my house. I'll ride the stationary bike and read my book until it is time to dance the hula.
To add to my challenge I have a date tonight after the class, and I'm sure he's going to want to eat and drink when we're downtown. Knowing that I'm going to blow it all later really doesn't do much for the motivation (I can almost hear my good friends Ben and Jerry calling me from the frozen section of Albertsons) but I am trying very hard to keep my promise to myself anyway. I can have a beer or two, and eat something semi-healthy for dinner, even if we do go out, and yes I may go over my calories, but it's better than binging, skipping the gym, THEN having dinner and beer, right?
I think a lot of my problem with binging is that once I mess up, or know I am going to do something I shouldn't, I start thinking about the consequences, the orcha wrapped in taffeta I saw in the mirror this morning, and it makes me want to eat so I don't have to picture it anymore. It's so self-defeating. But tonight I'm not going to let that part of me win. I am getting changed, I am working out, and I am having a good time without binging.
Monday, August 09, 2010
I had proudly reached my goal weight and actually managed to maintain for almost a month when summer hit. I started talking to a counselor about my trouble with binge eating that seemed to be spiraling out of control, and it got worse, much worse. May was one big party and I gained some weight because I wasn't working out and I was binging almost nightly. June was the same way. July I was on vacation with my mom, and although I didn't binge many times I was sitting in the car and eating french fries and cheese every day. Now it's August and none of my clothes fit. Even my fat jeans don't fit.
So, I joined the gym again and started over. When I weighed in yesterday I was back up to 158lbs from 132lbs where I started summer. 25 pounds in 3 months. That must be some sort of record.
I worry that I am setting myself up for failure with this compulsive onagain-offagain behavior. So I'm back, but I'm trying my best to fast break right. I am not going to start back down the road of socially isolating myself to avoid situations with food. I am not going to withhold nutrients from myself. Yes, I want my jeans to fit again, but when I go home in 2 weeks for my sister's engagement party I don't want to binge eat. I don't want to have to be "off the wagon" just to live.
I decided that this time rather than reward weight loss, my first reward will be based on consistency and good behavior. For every day I don't binge eat I get a dollar and for every day I get a good workout in I get a dollar. When I have enough dollars to buy myself the pair of prescription sunglasses I have been yearning for all summer I can go order them. I think my problem is that I get "addicted" to "healthy" behavior, and pretty soon I think that if I'm not limiting myself to 1200 calories and working out for 2 hours a day I may as well just eat until I have to throw up. I don't want that! I want to be able to live a healthy lifestyle all the time, even on vacation, even at my parents house, even while dating.
I don't know what else to say: This is hard.
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