Monday, October 07, 2013
I want to be someone who blogs every day, but most days I don't have the patience to put my thoughts and feelings together coherently for someone else to read. That's why this blog is almost a month later than the last one.
But I am celebrating today. Here is what I'm celebrating:
1. I have been training successfully for my 10k
2. This weekend I cut 2 minutes off my 5k time (walking a totally flat route)
3. My goal was to lose 15 pounds before my birthday next week, and I'm already at 18
4. I need to lose 4.5 pounds to no longer be in the "obese" bmi category!
5. I have lost 87.5 lbs since December 30 and I'm still going strong
6. I am traveling for the next three weekends, and have already started planning ahead.
7. My pants are all too baggy for me, so no more sizes in the 20's. Over the weekend I had to buy new underwear (TMI, sorry!) and am down four sizes! And I'm wearing XL t-shirts for working out and feel comfortable in them.
8. The number on the scale I saw yesterday hasn't been seen by my eyes since my second year in graduate school, more than 10 years ago. It feels so great!
I'm sure there are other things that I am celebrating, but right now that feels like a good list. When I started this journey I created rewards for myself for every ten pounds, but now those rewards are not as important as how I'm feeling. I'm getting healthy and that feels like a great reward for myself. But I am going to splurge this coming weekend on an outfit for my upcoming 10k. I have never owned real work-out specific clothes, but I know I need something that will keep me warm and won't keep sweat on my skin. So I'm using that as my reward, and birthday gift to myself. Seems fitting right?
I was talking to a friend yesterday about having my life together. Don't get me wrong, my life is far from where I'd like it to be, but for the first time since college, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I would still like to have more money, and to get rid of one colleague at work, but all in all, things are good. I'm active. I'm healthier. And I'm just happier. Nothing better than that. Then I had to explain to my friend that she might now have her life where she wants it yet, but she's seven years younger than me, so she has plenty of time...:)
The one thing I miss right now in my life is someone to share it with, my prince charming. But I know that right now focusing on myself is best for me. And if I don't find that right person, or have someone to have kids with, or to come home to at night, the way my life is right now, it's okay with me. I am spending more time with positive people around me, people who encourage me, support me and truly love me unconditionally. I love it!
It has not been easy for me to get where I am today, and as we all know, there are no "secrets" to getting healthy. I was talking to one of my students last week. She was asking about my secret. What she was getting to was that she has started to take an over the counter pill to help her lose weight. Maybe it will work for her, but it wasn't something that I encouraged her to do. She has kids at home, and she needs to get healthy for them, but taking a pill won't replace healthy foods and exercise. I hope things work for her, but honestly, I saw myself about ten years ago, when I thought I was fat and was looking for a fast fix as well.
It's amazing how my outlook on everything has changed over the past ten months. I plan my weekends around 5k events, am enjoying the training for the 10k and have even daydreamed about walking a half-marathon someday. I am looking forward to buying work out clothes, and have started to consider that I might be able to wear a size L t-shirt/shirts someday. That didn't seem possible just last December. My 33rd year has changed everything for me, more specifically, I have changed everything for me. I am looking forward to what my next challenge will be and what new things I will learn though sparkpeople.
Thank you for all of your support, encouragement and for teaching me so much already this year. If I have changed this much in ten months, who will I be a year from now? I can't wait to find out!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Life has been hard. I know it doesn't compare to the challenges that someone else may be facing, especially on this historic day, but for me, it's been hard. There has been less time to plan ahead for food, more travel for family events, increased pain in my back and more stress at work.
For the past two days I have been binging on applesauce again. What I really want are peanut m&m's but I went for applesauce instead. Now, applesauce is allowed on my diet, but not in the portions that I am eating it. And then the next day I feel bad for a variety of reasons. I feel guilty for giving in to my binges again, I feel bad cuz the applesauce hurts my stomach and I feel ashamed because I'm using food to deal with feeling depressed. Today I finally realized what was bringing on this depression.
I've been working with someone in my job and he is really not a fan of mine. It makes work difficult to enjoy, drains me of my energy and is starting to affect my healthy lifestyle changes. I'd rather go home than to the gym after work. I'd like to just keep eating instead of anything else. It's a terrible way to be living my life, clearly.
I have to really focus on my health at this point. I can't allow stress to de-rail me. I allowed stress from a colleague to hurt me physically and mentally for three years in my last job. No more. I've just been successful at losing the weight I put on my body during those years, and I'm not going back. So what does that mean? I have to stand up for myself at work. Make myself a priority at work and at home. I will use exercise to help me handle my stress, and will work every day to not binge eat like I have been finding myself doing recently and in the past.
Sounds like I have a plan, now I just have to put it into action. Wish me luck!
Friday, September 06, 2013
Based on the comments of my friends, family and colleagues, I went shopping this weekend for new clothes. My old stuff was way too big and I had avoided it as long as I possibly could. I have been putting it off because I am poor, or it feels that way. So I have been picking up pieces at the local thrift stores in order to get through the summer.
But this past weekend I had to face the music. Or more precisely, I had to face the changing room. I walked through the first store, not sure of what size I would really be and took an armful of shirts and pants to the changing room. That's where the nerves kicked in. I would try on one pair of pants and it didn't fit, then I'd try another and it would fit. The sizes weren't consistent between articles of clothing. It was so frustrating!
When I was heavier, I knew that shopping would be painful. I was embarrased about my body and my weight but I knew what size I would be at the store. I could go to my favorite stores and just pick up the clothes I wanted. No big deal. It was hard to buy clothes in larger and larger sizes, but I did it.
This past weekend, I realized that parts of my weight-loss journey are going to be painful. And this is one of them. In one pair of pants, I was in a size I haven't worn for ten years, but then the next pants was bigger again. I found myself standing in the changing room hating my body again. Why can't I just fit into the right clothes? The truth is that I just haven't find the right clothes yet. I am in between sizes at the stores. Somewhere at the small end of the Women's section and at the largest end of the Misses. I should have felt good that I could fit into anything in the Misses section, but instead my stomach started to hurt, my eyes started to water and I just really disliked my body at that moment. It was probably harder than trying on clothes in larger sizes.
In the end, I got five new shirts and some new workout pants. I also got a new Packer's sweatshirt which is from the Misses section. Kind of love that! But I was still missing pants that fit. So the next day my mom went through her closet to give me some of the pants that she doesn't wear anymore. The pants don't all fit exactly, but they are better than what I've been wearing all summer. My mom has been smaller than me since college when it comes to weight, and I'm happy that we are about the same size again. My goal is to get smaller, since I know that it only gets harder to lose weight. I'm not waiting until I'm 60.
It did feel good to get compliments on my new clothes when I got to work on Monday. Someone said it looked like I had lost 20 pounds overnight. But last night I wasn't feeling good and today I'm back to clothes that are too big, mostly cuz I just didn't care today. But when I get home tonight, this 3X t-shirt is going into my "donate" box. I promise! I even feel extra lazy because my clothes are just hanging on me.
It seems that the toughest part of losing weight is just starting for me. Learning to love myself and my body is not an easy thing. I have spent more than a decade thinking negative thoughts, disliking my body and mostly just disliking who I had become. Now I'm on my way to being someone new, someone I lost over the years. I just wasn't expecting this many hurdles and challenges at this point in the journey.
If I'm going to lose 100 pounds this year, I have some serious work to be doing. But I will do it! I'll put this shopping experience behind me and continue to focus on my food and my exercise. Just like I've been doing for nine months. Wish me luck!
Friday, August 30, 2013
Thanks for all of the comments on my last blog about my fear of change and losing weight. I felt so much better after I got out all of those emotions and started to deal with them. So much better in fact that I lost 6 pounds in the last week and a half. I stepped on the scale last night and I just stared at the number. It doesn't feel real that I'm into the 220's. That seems crazy!
I'm finally allowing myself to get some new clothes now that I've lost so much weight. I have gotten a few things over the course of the summer, like five pairs of capri's for work and a pair of new jeans. but now all of my tops are really loose as well. I have to say that it didn't feel great when people started to point that out to me, but I know they mean well. I just should come with a sign that says "very sensitive" about all body-related topics.
I've had a few people stop me and ask me what my secret is for losing the weight. And I smile a little and tell them there is no secret. I stopped eating the bad stuff and started to get active in my life. I'm signed up for two 5k walks next month and then a 10k in October. And last night, my trainer said that she thinks I can lose 100 pounds by the end of December, which would have been exactly one year since I started this lifestyle change.
100 pounds? That seems so huge, and yet it hasn't been my ultimate goal for the year. I could be happy with 73 pounds lost, if I knew that I had done my best and worked hard. but 100 doesn't sound so bad either. Can I really do that? My trainer was right when she also said that I must have thought about losing100 pounds before, and that is correct, but I had never said it out loud. My mini goals until December is 15 pounds by October 12 (my birthday) and after yesterday's weigh-in, it is actually 12 pounds. And then another 15 pounds by December 30. Between now and then, I have three walks to do and plenty of time to dedicate to my health.
But if I don't make it, if I only get to 87 or 92 pounds by December 30th, that's still amazing. That means less weight for me to carry around with me, less weight to worry about when I want to fly somewhere or just not to get me feeling winded when I'm chasing my friends' kids around. And no matter how much weight I lose, if I hit my goal or not, I will know that I made the most of 2013 and that 2014 is going to be that much better because of the hard work I've done this year.
I literally cannot wrap my head around the fact that I'm in the 220's. I cannot remember the last time I was this small! Not that I'm excited to be going shopping this weekend, but I'm definitely not dreading it as much as I was earlier this week. I'm still nervous but I'm trying to listen to the voices around me (positive, uplifting) instead of listening to my own doubts and concerns. None of this healthy journey has been easy, but I'm feeling more confident about my progress.
Happy Friday everyone!!
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Wow, it feels good to just write those words out to the world. I haven't had the guts to say it to myself outloud yet. The truth is that I've lost 67 pounds and I'm comfortable where I am. I am back to the size I was in graduate school almost ten years ago. I'm getting compliments about my weight loss, I'm more active and flexible than I was at 300 pounds. But I'm terrified to continue to get healthy.
I want to lose at least another 50 pounds, getting me to the size I was in college when I thought I was fat, but right now that seems like an absolutely impossible goal to achieve. On top of me not really believing I can do it, I've been avoiding any additional weight loss. I've allowed myself to get busy again, talk myself out of my planned work-out, etc. I just am not sure I want to have any more change in my life.
To top everything off, I have to get more new clothes. Even the stuff I bought in June is baggy on me, and my colleagues are considering an intervention. But new clothes are expensive, and I just scheduled my third root canal of the year for tomorrow. I am officially broker than I have ever been, and although I know new clothes will make me feel better, not getting more into debt would make me feel good too.
So, I've given in and am going shopping this weekend. But I already don't enjoy shopping, and this time I have zero idea what size I am. I have clothes that fit around my waist but not my legs and I'm just frustrated even thinking about trying on different stuff. I"m proud of my progress and successes, but I think mentally I have hit my limit. I'm struggling to view myself in my current size, to plan ahead as if I'll continue to lose, and am just tired. Maybe that's what it comes down to: I'm scared of the un-known and I am tired.
Now what do I do? I have figured all of this out over the past couple weeks, and I have still not done anything about it. I know that right now my life feels really full. I know that I want to some day be thin/healthier, but even with all of the information I have learned in the past eight months, I can't even think about where to start. All of that new found knowledge has gone out the window and I am living life without really thinking. I don't like this side of me, and I'm ready to change, just not sure how to do it.
67 pounds down and now it's time to face my fear and get back to work on remaking my body, getting smaller and healthier. With all of your support of course!
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