Thursday, May 22, 2014
And there's no good reason for it. I'm just lonely and disappointed in myself.
So here's what has been going on for the past month...nothing but eating a lot of junk! I go to the store, I get chips and chocolate. Then that is my dinner. It's a comfortable habit that I got into years and years ago when my back pain was more intense. So when life got busy and I fell out of my new healthy habits, I went back to the old ones. And where has that gotten me? I've gained back more than 50 of the 90 pounds I'd lost and am not being very nice to my body.
The thing that always gets me is that I know better. I am an educated woman. I love learning. But when it comes to my health and food choices, I'd rather just ignore the facts. I clearly understand that I feel better when I am eating better and working out. I know that I have fewer migraines, that my back hurts less and I am happier. I can start out strong at the beginning of the day and then by the end of the day I've talked myself out of the gym and into junk food, comfort food.
I know what I have to do. I have to watch less television. I have to read more. I have to plan ahead. I have to make me a priority. I have to manage my stress better. I have to make a committment to my health and stick to it. Sounds simple, right? WRONG!
Promises that I make to friends I can stick to pretty well, but promises to myself never really seem to work. I also have to really change my negative self-talk. My mom tries to tell me that I should know I can lose the weight again because I did it before. In my head I'm thinking "why should I lose it again when I'll clearly just gain it back." And I don't know how to talk about that with the people around me. It's hard to just put that statement out into the world, but I know that my family and friends will never truly understand.
When I started working out a year ago I was doing it by myself. Then I had a couple friends start walking with me a couple days a week. Now I have to do training for a half-marathon walk and my friends are actually not helping me get ready. They don't really know that they aren't helping, but my trainer wants me to do things differently now and it's hard to share that with my friends who have been SO supportive for more than a year, even as I gained the weight back.
Right now it's about 2pm on Thursday. The school I work at is closed on Fridays during the summer and then we are closed on Monday for Memorial Day. On one hand, a four day weekend is just what I need. On the other hand, it's a lot of time for me to order pizza or binge on chips and cookies. I'm beyond nervous, and I don't have someone who can be here with me, help me to stay busy and away from my triggers like television. But I'm a grown woman, and I should be able to make the right decisions. Not the best decisions or the good decision, but the wise decisions. I shouldn't be afraid of a four day weekend because I don't think I'm strong enough to handle temptation.
Last night I just cried. I'd gotten off the phone with my mom who is going through her own stuff and my friend who was going to visit had a change of plans and I just cried.
I miss who I was when I was working out and eating right. I want to get back there. I have to get back there. I'm not going to let myself get to where I'm worried about diabetes again or accepting that I'll never have a pain free day from my back pain. And I have some family members who I do not want to know that I gained the weight back. I've felt judged by them my whole life and I couldn't handle the criticism.
So, what should I do first? I'm still drinking my water, still logging into spark people regularly and eating breakfast. So I haven't gotten rid of all of my good habits. I'm just in need of breaking my addiction again to sugar/salt/chips/chocolate. Why did I let it get this bad?
Enough! Time to fix the problem and get back on track. All support, encouragement, accountabilit, etc. is welcome!
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Life has been tough recently and I don't think I've really let myself accept much of what is going on around me. First, I'm eating junk all the time. And I'm pretty numb when I'm doing it, so I know that I'm trying to feed my emotions instead of my body. Second, I'm back to terrible habits. I'm sleeping more, watching more tv and talking myself out of exercising. I saw a picture of myself from October and didn't even recognize myself. How did I look that healthy? Now I've gained back 55 pounds of the 92 that I had lost. It's time to stop and get started again.
While I haven't been taking care of myself, there has been a lot going on around me. My cousin decided to have a baby on her own, sperm donor and all. I know that I don't want to raise a child on my own, but it did make me start to realize that I might be terminally single and never have kids. What if that isn't the plan for me? I just really started to get down about where I am in my life. But I should be proud of what I have accomplished!
Then I have a friend who has been battling brain tumors for more than three years. He had a terrible infection and some serious setbacks. You can tell just in pictures that he has really struggled this time. Now there is evidence that the most recent tumor has grown just in the past couple weeks and the doctors have started him on serious chemo treatments. I know he and his family were hoping to avoid chemo, but now they just can't any longer. And then I sit around and stuff my face with processed food that I know could lead to health issues. What am I thinking?
A more recent diagnosis for another friend was a cancerous brain tumor and they have started her on radiation treatments. I'm not sure how they are working yet, but she had a second seizure just last week. I know her family is trying to be upbeat and positive, although it doesn't seem like this can be a good thing given her treatment and diagnosis. My concern is that there is additional tumor growth, especially given that they couldn't get the entire tumor the first time. I'm 34 years old and have way too much knowledge of cancer and tumors. I need to change my life so that I am not adding to that knowledge.
Last week I found out that a former employee of mine had died. He was 31 years old, married, working at a nearby University and died of complications of weight I think. Everyone knows it was natural causes, but he had a lot of medical conditions, and I cannot imagine that any of them were helped by his weight. The current update is that his family may never know what exactly happened because there was so much going on with his body. But he was so young, and when I supervised him as a Hall Director, I know that he stayed focused on doing every thing he could for the students. And he was a major advocate when it came to issues of diversity and discrimination. I admired that. The biggest shock was just how young he was to be dead. He took a nap and never woke up. He hadn't been feeling well for a couple days either. So sad.
When I started losing weight last year, it was for a lot of reasons. I couldn't find clothes that I wanted in my size, I was super aware of my size all the time, my weight made my chronic back problems worse and I knew that I was probably shortening my life. But I was also considering other people in my life. I don't want my parents to be worrying about me every day. I don't want them to worry about my depression and pain issues. I want them to know that I'm going to be okay and I want to know that too.
But since November I have let other people and issues run my life. I fell back into the "easy" habits of my life before I started trying to get healthy. I started eating to numb my pain and emotions. I let a situation at work stress me out. That was the biggest problem. I have a colleague who makes work a difficult place to be and for some reason I take that personally. As if I have any control over his behaviors. And I lost track of my focus on me and my health as 2013 ended. My highest weight was over 300 last January, but I use 300 as a starting point because I didn't want to get on a scale at that time. I have been as heavy as 325 I'm sad to say. I worked really hard and lost 92 pounds. But then I got scared. I started to doubt that I could accomplish getting to a healthy weight. I started listening to my negative voice that said I'll never get there, so why try. And I started to let the stress at work negatively affect everything I had worked so hard to accomplish. I can't do that again!
So today I sucked it up and truly updated my current weight and measurements. Through my work every year we have the option of doing fitness/wellness testing to earn some money off of our insurance charges. If your health is good enough, you get the break on the insurance. It was so sad for me to see that I weight six pounds MORE than I did at our testing last year. How did I let myself get to this point?
And even as I write this out, with all of my good intentions and healthy goals, in the back of my mind I know that what I really want to do is retreat tonight to my apartment and eat. It truly is about starting over. I have to go back to the very beginning and start making little changes on a daily basis. But I will get to my goal, right?
I feel like I let everyone around me down. I have started wearing my bigger sized clothes again, not because I want to but because I don't want to buy anything in this size again. I'm just frustrated with myself and even though I've been successful in the past, I doubt my ability to do it again. I just feel at a loss of how to start because my start over a year ago feels like a lifetime ago.
Thanks for letting me share my current struggles/truths and emotions. I do recognize that my life is pretty great, and these small challenges are nothing in comparison to what some people are going through, including my own friends and family. I have always felt as if my life is chaotic and I want so badly to feel like it is in control, in my control. I just need to keep that goal in mind!
Have a great day everyone and again, I really appreciate all of your support and comments!
Friday, March 14, 2014
I still have a long way to go, but I'm starting to feel like myself again. The sun is out more, the snow is starting to melt, I can almost feel myself being able to walk outside again. So great!
Last night I worked up a great sweat at the gym with my trainer and today it feels good to be a little sore. I also wrote out my training plan to be ready to walk the half-marathon in June. And it feels really good because I'm way ahead of where I should be for the training, and I'll continue to walk more during the week than the training expects.
I'm also ready for the race season to really start. I'm signed up for a 3k next week and a 5k in May, but I need to find at least another 5k and a 10k to fit in before June. I think I can do that. I might just always be that person who works best with activity goals. I can't go to the gym and not be working towards something, and something that I can control. The races allow me to compete with myself, hold myself accountable. Next year, I won't take the winter off!
As for my friends with medical challenges...the diagnosis has been confirmed of cancer for the friend who recently had a seizure and they removed most of a tumor from her brain. Now she will be starting radiation, intense, to get as much of the rest of the tumor gone as possible. I don't have a lot of details, but it sounds like the tumor/cancer has been there a long time and it's not going to be easy to "cure." My other friend's husband had some leakage after his most recent surgery so the doctors went back into his brain (for the tenth time in three years) and inserted a shunt to help the drainage, but they found some strange test results, realized there was a very localized infection in the brain and had to go back in to remove the shunt and allow the infection to heal. After almost two weeks in the hospital, he's been moved to a rehab place where he'll be getting about three hours of rehab a day and lots of meds to help with the infection. Not sure what the plan will be after that, but he and his family are so strong and have faced this medical challenge head on since it started almost three years ago.
Wow. As I find myself feeling better emotionally, and getting into the gym more, I'm making better choices with food. I told myself that I have to ease into it, to not be upset with myself when I can't make the changes overnight. It took me four months to put the weight back on and I'm confident it will come off again. Every day I make smarter choices.
I am also working on coming to terms that this is my life. I have food triggers that I have to avoid, and I might have to always have healthy snacks with me and be concerned about food for the rest of my life. But I also need to find balance in other areas of my life. As someone who struggles with binging, I want to not think about food at all, but in order to control what I eat, I have to think about it all the time, and ahead of time. It's hard, but I'm figuring my way through. A four month long bump in the road so far, but I'll get back on track.
Hopefully you are all enjoying some spring-like weather, or it's coming your way soon! My dad is a truck driver and was stuck in a huge winter storm yesterday so I know that winter isn't over yet, but it's losing steam I think. Positive thoughts!
Have a great weekend everyone!
Monday, March 03, 2014
Happy Monday everyone!
It has been a rough week for me, although in comparison to what my friends are going through, this isn't huge. I seem to be taking on the emotions of my friends going through surgery and the fact that they are fighting so hard. It feels overwhelming and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of carrying the world on my shoulders. Feeling helpless in the face of medical emergencies is so rough.
My friend who had the recent brain tumor diagnosis is doing alright. Hopefully she'll find out today or tomorrow about the pathology of the tumor and my prayers are for non-cancerous obviously. She is starting physical therapy/rehab to get back movement in her left leg and arm, but seems pretty good in her attitude I guess. Just waiting for the test results to come back this week.
Another friend is back in the hospital, for his 11th brain surgery in three years. The doctors found some infection and complications, so waiting now for the infection to go away. Wow. But his attitude is great and he has a lot of support around him. Keep prayers coming.
And last week I found out that a former supervisor was diagnosed with stage 3 esophogeal cancer and he is starting treatment this week. Praying for the best!
And with all of that medical stuff going on, I just feel so weighed down. Guilt for letting the weight creep back up on me, ashamed for binging and not being able to stop, sad for what my friends are going through, guilt that I am relatively healthy and taking it for granted. A lot of negative feelings overall.
So yesterday I started over again. No more junk food, healthy options available instead. And I'm going through withdrawal. I have no idea what the withdrawal is from (take your pick, chips, cheetos, chocolate, peanut butter, etc.) but the headache is bad and I'm ready for it to be over. But in the back of my mind I still know that if I just get something to binge on then the headache might go away. I forgot how hard this process was a year ago. After I had success with losing weight, I didn't remember the struggles to give up the bad food.
I'm trying to live in the "now" instead of worrying about yesterday or tomorrow. I only have myself to depend on as well, which seems to lead to my lonely eating, but also means I have to make myself someone I can depend on more. I might not do everything right today, but I'm going to try. That's all I can do, right?
I also recognize that I'm not really alone in this journey, but it's hard to reach through the computer to get and give hugs like I really need. But I do appreciate your support and it helps to know that my words, feelings, struggles are being heard.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Thank you so much to everyone who kept my friend in their thoughts/prayers yesterday. The surgery was successful, my friend was really enjoying her meds last night! She's feeling the surgery more today. They did not get the entire tumor, and her left side was affected by the surgery, but it shouldn't be permanent. The concern was that if they did go for the entire tumor, they would have permanently paralyzed her left side. The doctor seems optimistic, although the pathology tests won't be back until next week.
This is so hard! There is absolutely nothing we can do, but it's so frustrating to have to just hope and pray. I know deep down that my friend will be okay, but I also can only imagine what she and her family are going through. Her mom is one of my mom's best friends so I know this is also really hard on my mom. She's really thankful that her kids are healthy.
That's the current update, I'm sure we won't know anything else until after the tests are done in the next week or two. But keeping my fingers crossed for good news.
Thanks for everyone's support! Now I have to find a way to use this as motivation to get my body healthier and stronger. I know that eating healthy and exercising isn't going to keep me from ever getting sick or having something major happen, but I figure it can't hurt. But right now making those changes are stressing me out and I retreat at night to food. Here's the thing about losing weight...I know what I need to do in order to be successful, but that doesn't make it any easier to do.
Those are my thoughts for today. Everyone be healthy and happy, and WARM!!
Get An Email Alert Each Time UWPALUM Posts