Monday, November 25, 2013
Trigger Alert: Folks who avoid thinking, talking or reading about candy or chocolate should not read this post.
I have not been blogging much this month. Mostly because I couldn't bring myself to write about what has been happening with me mentally. Partly due to shame, and partly out of fear that I might trigger others on SparkPeople to give into weaknesses.
But this is a real part of my journey and sharing it might help me embrace it.
I survived Halloween very well, thankyouverymuch. I had exactly two small pieces of candy that day.
The following day I started buying candy. It started with a bag of fun size Pretzel M&M's. (Pretzel M&M's are the lowest calorie M&M's and I am a real fan of the salty/sweet combo.) I was ridiculously excited to get those M&M's for half price at Super Target. (I really love that place.)
Then I found seasonal Cherry Cordial M&M's at Walgreens. (If you're wondering - they're good.)
Not too long after that, I discovered that another local grocery store had their Mars candy on sale for buy 2, get 2 free. Mars includes (among others) Snickers, Twix, and... M&M's! I started stocking up. I even dedicated a beautiful old wooden cigar box to my stash.
Do you have any idea how many different flavors of M&M's there are? A LOT. One funny thing: I don't really care for the "plain" ones. I don't think they're worth the calories. But I still bought a couple bags - just to have on hand.
I still have other candy bars in my stash - my husband eats those. But as you may have noticed already, I became fixated on M&M's . Mint may be my new favorite, barely edging out Pretzel. Peanut Butter is excellent but higher in calories and reserved for days when I have more wiggle room there. Almond is good, but honestly - a little too sweet. I actually prefer lightly salted almonds straight up. I bought Raspberry M&M's especially to share with my stepdad who is game to try anything raspberry. They're good, but the Cherry Cordial ones are better, in my opinion.
Where am I going with all this?
I was (am) waist deep in this addiction to sugar. An addiction that has gotten progressively more specific... chocolate... M&M's... particular flavors of M&M's. Finding the best prices at different stores and figuring out where I could buy the harder to find varieties. (I haven't ordered any online - yet.)
I was spending an unreasonable amount of mental energy and time both indulging in this addiction and trying to fight it.
But I was walking one day last week and thinking. It occurred to me that if I can make room in my diet/nutrition for a relatively reasonable amount (reasonable by MY definition, not yours) and if this is what I need to do to make this weight management thing work for me right now - so be it.
I'm sure some of you will disagree. I'm sure some of you will think that I should fight it and abstain. But that's not where I am right now and it is a big relief to accept that.
I'm still getting plenty of protein. Still getting my veggies and fruits. Still getting whole grains. Still getting my water (yesterday was day 321 of my water streak).
And in spite of the candy, I still stay in the lower half of my calorie range most days (hit the upper half of my range once this month) and I have lost 5 pounds so far this month. I don't say these things to brag - just to show myself that it is possible to make it work.
So FOR NOW my journey includes finding room in my calorie range for these specific treats when I want them. I almost always have them at the end of the day when I know for sure where I am with calories and I always have a measured amount.
FOR NOW that works for me and if I can accept that, this next phase of my journey will be much more peaceful.