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Making It Through the Holidays - Time to Out of the Box

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The holidays are so difficult with family dysfunctions at their highest level with unresolved history, lack of reconciliations and insistence by members to maintain the Drama triangle of Perpetrator, Victim and Rescuer where all are competing for the role of victim. The last thing I want to do is maintain connection with my body and my feelings.

Having stopped tracking my food 2 weeks ago I am now coming back to full circle and really noticing how I avoid connecting with my body and seek a place of "dreaminess" throughout my day. Beginning by trying to continue my dream state into waking state and avoiding activities of self care that wake me up. It takes a conscious decision and active intention that is acted upon to not maintain this "sleepy" numbed out state of being. Taking the view that "all movement" not just exercise is movement my spirit needs to occupy my life and body is a new way of looking at things and it is helping to motivate me in moving out from in front of the TV and into my life through action, daily activities, self care and creative activities.

Realizing that sitting in my chair is the exact same thing as a small child getting stuck in playing in the empty toy box, safe and content, secure and not willing to explore is a good metaphor for seeing how my world has become a series of boxes.
My isolation in my house and even down to my entrenched position in my recliner is nothing but being comfortable in the box. Different sized boxes, but still boxes. I have to be willing to climb out of the box and explore a new way of being within my body, my life and my world. Irregardless of what levels of unconsciousness family members chose to live out their lives in. I can not fix them, nor can I rescue them, nor am I willing to be the black sheep where they can transfer all of their disowned issues upon. I have surrendered this role and all roles that do not allow me to be fully who I am in a healthy and holistic way.

Jesus came to set us all free and all sin debt is paid it is our choice whether we continue to shame and beat ourselves up. Believing falsely that there is anything else we could mortally do to add to what he has already freely gifted to us - Freedom. It is our choice to accept the gift to live fully in that freedom, fully expressing who we are and the gifts and talents that we have been blessed with. To live less than is denying the magnificence of that gift and the sacrifice that was required to get us "out of the box." Time to get out of the box!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RISINGBLUESTAR 12/29/2013 10:54PM

    I can relate. I need to get out of my box too. Anxiety keeps me in the box but inside, all I want is to explore and be the person I was created to be. It's definitely a struggle and much easier said than done but it's important!

As for family, there is nothing you can do about people who don't want to own up or change or whatever the situation may be. Some of my relatives are like that too. They will play the victim card even if they are the ones who did wrong and they will criticize and twist things around.

It's never too late to climb out of a box!

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Starting Anew

Saturday, August 03, 2013

I am in a really good place. I feel like I am on track with all the past work I have done and with CR in completing my personal and spiritual inventory. I am really getting the benefit of the clearing phase of all the past events in my life and how many times I have believed things that weren't true and allowed that to color my life and interactions with others.

I am so greatful for my Celebrate Recovery group it is so nice to have a support group in which we are all working on similar issues.

Day 3 of food plan. I will remain focused. I am worth doing this for.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COOP9002 8/3/2013 2:54PM

    Best of luck on your journey.

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GOOD-ENOUGH-NOW 8/3/2013 12:14PM

  Way to go on the great attitude!

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Meg in Fort Worth

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Combating a Spirit of Rejection

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Down 5 lbs and doing well tracking food, keeping calories around 1500 and watching carbs. I am feeling more confident about not eating over my emotions. Had a good success this week, pausing and feeling what was up versus attacking the fridge which is what I wanted to do.

Car would not start as I was trying to go to water aerobics after being away for several months. I got furious, standing there all dressed in my swimsuit with no way to get there. I felt like God was thumping his nose at me, and telling me "just who do you think you are thinking you are good enough to get to do something you really want?" My inner critic went nuts. I felt so ashamed and angry.

I discovered I do not handle disappointment well at all. Got angry, then didn't want to feel that, so then this extreme desire to go eat threatened to undo all the progress I had made this week.

I Had to really look at the blaming anger I have towards God for the many disappointments I had growing up and in my young adult life. I looked at the many disappointments as if it was God rejecting me and telling me I didn't deserve any good thing and telling me how unlovable I was.

My intense compulsion to want to eat was directly proportional to my distress at believing the lie and the anger at being rejected which is what my parents did. This spirit of rejection and my desperation in fighting back and fear that it really was true created one hell of a spiral of overeating. I am very grateful to finally see how this has been active in my life and it is not what God would have me believe about me or him.

Laying down these lies and the spirit of rejection is already improving my relations with people in my life and especially with my self.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERNESS 6/12/2013 10:14PM

    Don't ever blame God....now people, that's easy. If you're in the mood to feel rejected by God, go read the book of Psalms...let David do the yelling for you and see how ridiculous he sounds. Then, go to the love books..for strength and such...Ephesians (great for not worrying and putting on the whole armor to handle junk-especially truth) and Galatians are really good.

Make sure you're not sabotaging yourself, and find out how and why it seems that others are. Then deal with it. Then, train yourself that every time you feel like eating, you have to exercise the calories away first, before allowing yourself to do that?

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KATWELL88 6/12/2013 8:39PM

    Life can be a battle sometimes .. Not easy but you stay on the postive path!! emoticon
Dolly. emoticon

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Building support network that works

Thursday, June 06, 2013

Started going to Christian Celebrate Recovery group at a church near my home. Promises to prove to be very interesting and powerful at getting to the deeper reasons behind eating. Being that group dynamics are tough for me this is definitely an area of growth for me. I like the spiritual focus of the group and seeking answers of a higher nature, especially as it helps to reprogram my negative thinking and take it to higher ground.

Each week we have to answer lots of questions about ourselves and do a lot of writing which I find very helpful in keeping that focus. Also went back to TOPS to help me have a place where I have to turn in my food chart and weigh in every week, and it helps keep me accountable with my food, being that I can be slippery as an eel. That is why I love the food tracker on SparkPeople..can't lie when you can see those numbers so very clearly.

I am realizing that support is a multi-program experience for me and that is okay. This is a multi-faced issue. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It is a wholistic issue needing a wholistic approach.

  


Setting Myself Free

Sunday, May 19, 2013

I am feeling empowered in that my husband and I have eaten out several times and I am continuing to see movement on the scale and a steady loss. Making better choices all around, no matter where I go to eat and speaking up when it is time to choose where we are going to insure that I can have something worthy of choosing at that restaurant.

The other day when I entered into the start page what I weigh and what I want to weigh and it said it would take me 3 years to get there losing approximately 2 lbs a week the fantasy that a short-term diet fix would solve my weight issue finally died. 3 years is not a diet it is a complete life style reworking, from top to bottom.

I do feel that I have made significant strides in this area though. I am not buying or bringing unhealthy foods into my home. I choose only whole grains and I am careful as to the total carbohydrate load per meal...and it is working.

I have let go that being unique and meeting my own special needs is a punishment and my belief in my over all unworthiness that has been at the core of years of self-abandonment.
Letting go of the guilt of sins committed as a young adult, 35 years of penitence, and self-flagulation with food is enough. God does not require any of that. If I am truly his, I have to truly accept forgiveness for my poor choices in the past. God doesn't remember them and it is time for me to set myself free from my own self-condemnation. Those whom he sets free are free indeed. It is time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GINILEE4 5/20/2013 4:42AM

   
I love the sound of the determination in your blog. It is awesome that you are accepting who you are and learning to give yourself what you need. It is empowering to make decisions that you know are good for you. Have a wonderful week and keep pushing you are making great progress. WOnderful blog!


Gini

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SLIMLILA 5/19/2013 5:53PM

    Awesome attitude.... continued success on your journey, it does have to be a way of life. I am still try to short circuit things and do quick fixes, and you would think as I come up 60 years of age, I would know better.. emoticon

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4DOGNIGHT 5/19/2013 3:55PM

    congratulations! You can do it!

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ANNIE924 5/19/2013 12:43PM

    You are doing so great. I know 3 years seems like a long time, but it will go quickly. And just think if you weren't looking after your health now, what it would be like in 3 years!

You are sounding so positive and I agree that we must all learn to set ourselves free from our past mistakes.

Good going and God bless.

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