Wednesday, December 11, 2013
The holidays are so difficult with family dysfunctions at their highest level with unresolved history, lack of reconciliations and insistence by members to maintain the Drama triangle of Perpetrator, Victim and Rescuer where all are competing for the role of victim. The last thing I want to do is maintain connection with my body and my feelings.
Having stopped tracking my food 2 weeks ago I am now coming back to full circle and really noticing how I avoid connecting with my body and seek a place of "dreaminess" throughout my day. Beginning by trying to continue my dream state into waking state and avoiding activities of self care that wake me up. It takes a conscious decision and active intention that is acted upon to not maintain this "sleepy" numbed out state of being. Taking the view that "all movement" not just exercise is movement my spirit needs to occupy my life and body is a new way of looking at things and it is helping to motivate me in moving out from in front of the TV and into my life through action, daily activities, self care and creative activities.
Realizing that sitting in my chair is the exact same thing as a small child getting stuck in playing in the empty toy box, safe and content, secure and not willing to explore is a good metaphor for seeing how my world has become a series of boxes.
My isolation in my house and even down to my entrenched position in my recliner is nothing but being comfortable in the box. Different sized boxes, but still boxes. I have to be willing to climb out of the box and explore a new way of being within my body, my life and my world. Irregardless of what levels of unconsciousness family members chose to live out their lives in. I can not fix them, nor can I rescue them, nor am I willing to be the black sheep where they can transfer all of their disowned issues upon. I have surrendered this role and all roles that do not allow me to be fully who I am in a healthy and holistic way.
Jesus came to set us all free and all sin debt is paid it is our choice whether we continue to shame and beat ourselves up. Believing falsely that there is anything else we could mortally do to add to what he has already freely gifted to us - Freedom. It is our choice to accept the gift to live fully in that freedom, fully expressing who we are and the gifts and talents that we have been blessed with. To live less than is denying the magnificence of that gift and the sacrifice that was required to get us "out of the box." Time to get out of the box!