Saturday, February 20, 2010
Just happy today. Slept late, 'til about 10:30, got up and immediately went on a great walk on the beach today with my mom. It was overcast, but the waves were this really cool ash sort of green. Usually the ocean's pretty murky here, but the waves had a really nice clarity today that was quite enjoyable. Took her dog and my puppy out. Lol, that was fun. First time my pup has been on the beach, and he and Buck had a good old time. Hahaha, but he doesn't know when to stop chasing birds. Even though they're 30 feet above him, as long as he can keep pace, he chases. But he comes when I call him so it's fine. Silly doof.
Then we went back to my Gram's house. She's been a bit sick, so my mom is staying with her until she feels better. We had Thai food, and for some reason it was just really good today. She went to take a soak, with the understanding that when she got out we'd go tree shopping for my new place. But, as is a problem that we both have, she took a book in with her and got stuck reading it, so two hours dragged by and nothing happened. She'd picked me up, so I felt a bit stuck without my own car. Then I thought to myself, "my mom's in the tub, my gram's is snoring, and it's only a mile to my house. Why not walk?" So I did. Just got home. I've done well for myself today I think. Didn't really get into the cardio heart rate, but overall walked for about an hour on the beach and fifteen minutes home, so not bad.
I've still got energy though. I think I might start in on cleaning my house, and then do a belly dancing dvd. I have dreams of having great abs some day, and I can't think of anything that works those muscles in a more concentrated manner.
Hmm. Better get to work. Catch you all later.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I was on the fence about committing myself to being consistent with my exercise for Lent. Given my past track record with consistent exercise, it seemed entirely possible I'd blow it, which is bothersome to me since I am doing it with a religious promise attached to it. My Lenten commitments are not things I like to go back on.
I also had to consider, am I doing this for the right reasons? Exercise is always a good thing, but tying it to Lent? My understanding of the point of a Lenten commitment is that it is in some way supposed to bring you into a firmer relationship with God. Lent is about understanding your own fallible nature, repentence, and recognizing that one cannot save oneself, but can only be saved by grace. Exercising seems at first glance to be about *me* not God, and to be solely for my benefit. How is this supposed to bring me closer to Him?
However, as it was once described to me, Lenten fasting or dedications are about "practicing how not to sin." Now, I heard this when I was about 12, and it just seemed silly to me. It still seems kind of silly to me in those terms. But in more grown up terms, it seems to me to be about personal discipline, putting aside the things of this world, even the things that you think are necessary, like food or vedge time (which definitely has felt necessary to my mental health in the past), in recognition that only God provides true life and joy. It's also a time when you are to especially devote yourself to a loving heart.
I definitely need to learn discipline, and I need to learn to look at MYSELF with a loving heart. I see myself naked in the mirror, and I'm disgusted. I've got all these rolls of fat, my skin looks jiggly, and my breasts are not as perky as they once were as they get heavier and I get older. It's not right to be disgusted with a gift from God. As stated on my Spark page, part of my inspiration to lose weight in the first place was to be a proper steward of what God gave me, namely my body. In being conscious of taking care of it, I wanted to be able to focus on learning who or what I was supposed to be, through a combination of exercise, meditation, and prayer. I hoped that the discipline of taking care of myself would help lead to being more discliplined in seeking after understanding of God and His will for me.
It hasn't worked out that way, primarily because I'm lazy. I have been drifting along for over half a year now, pretty much godless. He is of course always there, but if I turn my eyes to the things of this world, I'm blinded by them and I can't see Him or the course He's set out for me. So, this Lent, I am again going to turn my gaze inwards, in the hope that focusing on myself, physically and spiritually, I can learn to block out the WORLD and it's distractions, and move on to focusing on God. It's kind of a stepwise thing in my head. The world and God often seem to be polar opposites of each other. Since I'm stuck in the middle, it seems logical to pull my attention back towards myself, as a first step, before pushing it on towards God (though of course I'll be trying to steer myself in His direction from the get go.)
I don't know. Maybe it's a stretch, but it seemed to work for me today. My dad had to go in for orthscopic surgery on his knee, and he needed some help afterwards. I had to get up at 5 a.m. (after going to bed after midnight) to get him there, and ended up having to stay out and about until almost 2:00 in the afternoon. I ended up getting about 1.5 hours of nap in, but still, by the time I got him back to his house and I had returned to mine at about 9:30, I did not feel like exercising.
However, I recalled to myself that I was dedicating this to God during this Lenten season. That this was not really about myself, and that I'd made a promise that I'd better keep. This drove me to finally get off my butt at about 11:00 p.m., put on some sweats, and go do my kick boxing DVD. By making this commitment, and knowning that following through would be good for me on so many levels, I was recalled to my commitment to God, which is another aspect of the fast or dedication. Everytime you feel hunger pangs, or every time you strive to meet the promise you've made, you remember why you're doing it, and in whose name. So, it did the trick. I'm getting more in the habit of thinking of God regularly, and I'm improving the body He gave me in honor of him, not myself.
I'm a bit leary about posting this because I am reminded that we are told never to be boastful about our disciplines, whether it be fasting, alms giving, prayer, or what have you. I don't mean to be boastful here. I just need to get things straight in my head and writing them out always seems to help. I guess also I feel the need to make this commitment more real by telling other people about it. It's not all in my head if I put it out there, you know? I don't really have a close community in my hometown, Christian or otherwise, so you guys get to hear about it so I can have that sense of solidity about the whole thing and make a firmer commitment. I still don't know if I'll make it all the way through Lent with this, but today has encouraged me. Any of you so inclined, please say a brief prayer for me, that I make the right decisions, and keep my focus where it ought to be.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
I ran across a public forum today about people who were angry at "fat people" (or fatties, or lard asses, or filthy slobs, Shamu, or the multitude of other charming epithets that these people were coming up with.)
People were angry at "fat people" for things like: having to move around them on the sidewalk, starting skinny then gaining weight after marriage, ruining their furniture, wearing the wrong clothes, being upset (and talking about being upset) that they can't seem to lose weight even though they diet and exercise, and "being ignorant."
A so-called doctor said that there is no reason for people to get fat, not hypothyroidism, not genetics, not hormones (even though there are plenty of scientific documents out there proving that weight gain increases at different portions of a woman's life due to hormones is natural and that in fact that's the way it's supposed to be to provide for a child), not nothing. He said that if you expend more calories than you take in, you'll lose weight.
Absolute and utter bull. As for myself, young and in good health, probably what he says is true and my being overweight is mostly my fault. But I know people who eat less than 1500 calories a day, usually running more like 1000, who cannot lose weight. Active, with hiking, sports, jobs that require physical exertion, and they can't lose weight. I'm supposed to burn something like 1900 Cal according to my BMI calculation (or whatever it's called), but unless I eat 1500 or less AND exercise, I don't lose. Can't eat 1600, not 1700, not 1800, and this 1900 is supposed to be for a sedentary life style, not moving around like I do. My body is so weird that even if I eat 1200 Cal consistently, it stalls out and won't lose, instead going into starvation mode.
People who have never been heavy and bash people who are have no fricking idea what they're talking about and they seriously piss me off. Especially people who are as cruel as the people on this website. One girl boasted of being 5'5" and a healthy 100 pounds, which any doctor will tell you (except probably for the idiot cited above) is an unhealthy BMI. She went on to say how if all those "f'ing fat people" out there would just "put down their ***damned fork and step away from the fridge, quit doing the truffle-shuffle and take a walk around the neighborhood, they'd lose weight" Others are insisting that when people say they don't eat much and they do exercise, that they're just lying and they need to stop stuffing their face with McDonalds and fried onion rings.
I am seriously pissed off. How could there be such ignorant, cruel, dumb asses out there? I'll admit I've been envious of people who seem able to easily maintain a healthy weight, but I would never, ever, say anything as unkind, that lacking in compassion, or that just straight up willfully ignorant. I've got a friend who's 5'9" and can't get over 100 lbs, no matter how hard she tries, who's constantly having doctors ask after her eating habits, who's had people tell her she's too skinny and she needs to work out. She does work out. And she eats as much as she can healthily so she's not anorexic. And I would never ever make disparaging remarks about where she's at, which is a hurtful situation for her, because I've actually talked to her, listened to her, and now I know where she's coming from. These people have talked to heavier people, but they don't hear what they say. They just have their preconceived, judgemental, hateful ideas about them that they refuse to give up no matter how often they hear differently or that they're wrong.
I'm pissed. I can't believe such a site exists. I can't believe such people exist.
To be perfectly honest, if I were to look at this website, I'm sure I could find equally ignorant rantings against skinny people. And if I read them I'm sure I'd be disgusted as well. But I haven't yet, so this is my rant for the moment.
After note: There were a total of 100 rants against "fat people" on this web page, 2% of which, that I saw, were actually rebuttals against the vitriol being spewed there. There were 21 rants against skinny people, 6 of which, or almost 29%, were actually rebuttals by skinny people and not rants at all, meaning there were only 15 rants compared to 98 in the other forum. At first I put this website down to the fact that there are just a lot of people out there who like to be superior, or to differentiate themselves in some way. At first I thought, "it's not really a "fat" vs "skinny" argument, just the nature of people." Humans make divisions amongst themselves, whether through religion, race, gender, or football teams. But percentage-wise there seems to a much stronger disposition towards hating "fat" people than there is for "skinny."
What is wrong with this society? While I'll admit that there is way too much obesity in America for good overall population health, there was a time, and there are societies still, where some weight is or was considered attractive. One girl on this site complained because her 5'5" 170 lbs friend sickened her, and quite frankly I think that's absurd. Lol, admittedly I'm probably biased because I'm about 5'5" and almost 170 lbs, but honestly, I don't look horribly. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not unattractive. Back in the day a bit more weight meant you you were prosperous or just plain sexy. Now America's got so much food availability that people feel justified in hating others because their bodies react in a natural way to the eating of overly processed, soft foods that are the only things you find out there unless you grow it and cook it yourself?
I was reading a study a few months ago about how a part of the obesity epidemic going on was due to this overprocessing that made foods too easily digestible. Now everybody knows that there are foods out there that cost more energy to eat then they give back, like celery, but the vast majority of foods out there now just aren't that way. It's almost impossible to find them and the body reacts the way that evolution taught it to if it comes to a windfall of easily digestible, high calorie food that will provide stores against a leaner time, which of course never come here, at least not compared to the way it was 10,000 years ago.
Our bodies are acting naturally, the way they were intended.
Which is not to say that we have to let them be that way. Because our food situation has changed so dramatically, really only in the last couple of centuries, we do need to change our paradigm. It's no longer a matter of getting ourselves as much nutrition as we can to make it through a hard work day, or to store up against leaner times. Now nutrition, or at least calories, are super easy to find, and we have to return to our roots of eating natural, unprocessed or at least less processed foods that our body is equipped to handle.
Still pissed at this website, or that people, on either side of the fence, can be so cruel, but less so now. My being angry didn't change anybody's mind, and probably wouldn't have even if I'd posted a response to this forum. All it did was rile me up, probably increase my blood pressure for a bit, and make me waste time ranting about it here. So, I'm done with it and I'll just keep on striving to better my health for my own self, and not to meet the requirements of an overly judgemental, warped society image.
I'm sorry now that I ranted, and if I didn't already have responses, proving somebody has already read this, I'd just take it down. I'm sure the vast majority of people are not hateful like these people are, and I don't want anybody who reads this to again start struggling with their concepts of themselves, which is something I used to do when I thought others were judging me. It's just a stupid site, that allows the small minded and small hearted a chance to show their true character. I'm not going to let it ruin my faith in humanity. Or skinny people ;)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
*note* This is really a blog to buck myself up. It's not terribly intersting reading, though feel free to read it if you want to.
I don't have any. Money that is. This is really the first time in my life that this would be the case. Don't get me wrong, things could definitely be worse. Thus far I have managed to not overextend myself. I do still have $3.12 left in my checking account. I have enough food, my bills are paid up, my animals have food and I've got enough cat litter to get me through tomorrow for sure. I need to take my cat to the vet for a check-up, but that's not urgent and can probably wait until I have more money at hand, since she's not actually sick. I get paid tomorrow, so having $3.12 today is okay. Of course, most of tomorrow's paycheck is going pay off my credit card bill from Christmas, but still, I'll be okay because then I'll have a clean credit card again for emergency purchases.
But $3.12 is a bit less than I like to have at any point, even if I am going to get paid tomorrow. I don't like it. I tell you, I just don't like it. Again, I know it could be worse. I could have $3.12 and still have bills to pay. I'm not really complaining here, but more commenting on how this is an interesting experience. I've always had a problem with spending on frivolities, particularly books, and it's interesting, looking at my empty bank account and realizing that I just can't do it. I can't buy these things anymore, at least until things settle down from having bought a house and car.
There are a few problems with this whole $3.12 thing, though my basic needs are definitely met. For one, I can't give tithe. Or at least, not more than a few dollars a Sunday for offering. The way I was taught, tithe should come off the top of your paycheck so that you can support God's work, and show that you trust in God to bring you through anyway. That money is not actually mine, but rather money that God has given me to be steward over, so really, giving 10% shouldn't be a big deal. But it is. If I had 10% less of my income, I would not be able to make it.
But is that really true? Did I absolutely need to buy the lysol disinfectant cleaner? Couldn't I have gotten by with the pine-sol that my mom let me have? Did I need naturally made laundry detergent? Did I need to buy Febreeze right now? Probably not. I probably just need to suck it up and look for thriftier ways to do things. I really need to get in on the coupons. I need to give up buying my once weekly soda. I need to pack a lunch EVERYDAY! Even though I've been staying in my monetary food allottment, I'm buying lunch at least once a week and could still be saving more. I might need to stop going out. Even though I don't drink when I go out, it's extra gas, particularly if we go to the town to the north, which my friends like to do, which is about a 20 mile drive one way.
It could also all be due to the fact that I *just* moved. I'm filling my household up with household goods, buying necessities like dishes, paying deposits on things as I set up new accounts with the utilities people. Probably my monthly required expenditures will go down as time progresses.
But this is just cutting it too close. Part of it is wanting to pay things as soon as I can, rather than waiting for the next pay period. For example, my electricity bill for January is not due until February 8th, but I paid it out of my last pay check because I want to leave my next paycheck, the one that comes tomorrow, completely free for next month's bills. If I had waited til I got paid tomorrow, I definitely would feel like I had more money. I'm afraid though, that if I feel like I have more money, I'll feel more free to spend that money, even though it's not really any more money than usual. So I'm trying to pay each monthly bill in the paycheck that I receive it, or at least within the same month, so I never think I have more money than I actually have.
Until such time as money becomes more available, God still loves me even if I don't tithe. I'm not going to be able to get a gym membership, and I'm not going to be able to take dance lessons for a while, at least until I get my car paid off, but these are not necessities. I've got what I need to get by, and things will improve.
Mostly I'm just writing this to buck myself up a bit. Talking things through with myself so I can reiterate to myself that things will be fine. I'm not really stressed about it, but I do spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about money. I guess that's a good thing, because I didn't spend a lot of money on frivolous things, and that still barely had me scraping through.
But, really, it will be good when I can more readily contribute to the national economy with some ready money, when I can get back to supporting local businesses with frivolous purchases. It will be good when I can get a gym membership so that I feel obligated to go because I already paid for it. Some day. Some day.
Friday, January 22, 2010
If you've checked out my sparkpage, you've seen that I work for a tribal wildlife program. We're studying contaminants in avian scavengers right now. One of the tools of the trade are our wildlife cameras.
I was just looking at pics of myself caught on camera. Not pleased. I'm in that halfway stage where one size clothing technically fits but could definitely look better, but if I go up a size, it's baggy and equally unattractive. Right now any clothes that aren't baggy show these unsightly bulges. So, I need to do something about all this extra flesh. Things are still going well though, and if I continue to lose then it's only a matter of time.
Exercise is the key! My mom got me this cardio/kick boxing DVD that I really like. I only managed to lay my hands on it a couple of days ago, which was the first day I did it, but it was intersting enough that I could maybe do it again tonight.
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