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Twisted Connection

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Dieting! DIETING! That's what I was going to write about. Except wait, diet is a swear around here. Which always strikes me as silly, since I'm pretty sure diet means "lifestyle" if translated literally. Anyway. Aaron says, "Dieting does not work when you have a boyfriend who can eat whatever the F he wants." True story.

Was talking to my counselor today. I'm pretty recovered, not entirely, but fairly, from the issues that took me to a counselor in the first place. It'll take a while, but on the right track. Today was my last day with this particular counselor and so we rambled away from this issue. One of the things that we moved to was my fundamental lack of faith in myself to make the right choices. The ramifications of this were multi-faceted. Ranging from feeling too affectionate with Aaron (read fear of being clingy), to not using my time wisely, to making poor food choices. I kept putting things into terms of "I should have" or "I ought to have" which she said, by that language, was putting it in terms of self-fault. She suggests that I examine a situation or choice that distresses me, figure out why it distresses me, ask myself, if put in that same situation again would I do the same? If not, what would I do differently? Why did I make the choice that I made? LOTS of focus on, What need was I trying to fulfill? Is there another way to fulfill that need?

I notice a lot of times (not always) things that I eat are associated with being social, or with affection. Which is nothing new. People have been known to eat for this reason for ages. But for me, that's something to recognize. I eat the cookies my Grams makes, A) because they're awesome and B) because she made them. She likes to bake things for people. It shows affection. I snack with Aaron, or eat pasta with him, because these are warm, tasty, feel good sort of foods. For some reason sharing pasta seems cozier than sharing baked chicken and green beans. I'm not restricting what we share, or rejecting his chosen foods, if I eat these things with him. Feeling this way, I don't even want to begin to reject it. And I know that Aaron wouldn't see it that way, as rejection. He's totally down with whatever choice I make. And if I said, no, I don't want to eat pasta, let's eat this instead, or, let's make pasta, but let's cook the food so I can eat it separate, he'd be fine with it. Cuz, you know, he's awesome.

But I don't want that restrictiveness to be there, so I don't even try. Don't even think to try. Just, let the rest of my happy and feel good with him spill over into happy feel good sorts of foods. AndI know part of the reason that these things are happy feel good sorts of food
is because of carb addiction. Hits that pleasure spot. Hehe, maybe these things have become so hard to resist outside of Aaron time because they give the same feeling as Aaron time.

So how do I disassociate the foods from happy feel good, and focus on Aaron being the happy feel good? If the food is there, he is there as part of the eating experience, so he's not really separate from that happy feel good. It's not a matter of replacing the food experience WITH him, because, he's already there.

I put the image of me sitting next to him cuddling while HE snacks, even if I'm snacking on something else, it does not promote the happy feel good. Eating healthy foods with him does not promote the happy feel good. Just being with him without any food promotes the happy feel good, but if I add healthy food into the's just not as good.

I love Aaron. Hehe, had a break in the blogging while I talked to him about this. He says to me, if this is an issue, make me a promise. If it comes time for us to eat, and there is a healther option that we can have, we will make that choice. I don't think I can make him that promise, because I don't think I can keep it at this point.

But one thing to come out of the conversation is that maybe, if I eat right WITH him, I can learn to conflate eating well with the happy feel good that I get from being with him. Maybe, if I can make that connection, I can get the happy feel good when I eat well on my own. I know he's concerned over this issue on my behalf, because I'm concerned.

Hehe, bleh. I think I don't like having to plan what I eat. I need to get all of the things I shouldn't eat out of my house. I mean, all of them. If they aren't there, then I can't make the choice to have them without some significant effort. Say, getting into the car, going to the store, purcashing it, then making my way back. I need to have snackable goods ready at hand, but also not have more tempting snackable goods on hand that may not even taste better. Le sigh. Major overhaul of the pantry tomorrow, I think. I can't trust myself. And I NEED to have quick, snackable foods. Things that I can't make an excuse not to grab when I run out the door late in the morning.

None of these things answers the questions above. If I have learned to connect tasty bad food with Aaron, then how, until relearned, do these new healthy foods meet that need, which is, really, a need for Aaron? . . . I'll have to think about this. I don't think it can be just a reminder of him. I need something that says to me, Aaron! And gives me that feeling that I mentioned in my last blog, of happy sigh, and laying my head on his shoulder. Maybe some of the almonds he likes, or maybe one of his handkerchiefs scented with the scent he wears. He left me a spray can so I could spray it on my pillow when I wanted to, hehe. I think I might try that. I might even get a stuffed toy that I can scent and hug when I need to, feeling the need for that comfort. Or maybe as a reward or making the right choice. This all seems silly, but now that I've recognized this connection (though I'm sure it's more complicated than that) then I can reroute at least one twisted pathway in my brain. If this one gets conquered, maybe I'll be able to see past it and focus on the next.

Okay. Long blog, as usual. And I've worked one knot out in my brain at least. Goodnight folks.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PHOENIX1949 1/8/2013 4:31AM

    "He says to me, if this is an issue, make me a promise. If it comes time for us to eat, and there is a healther option that we can have, we will make that choice."

Aaron is a 'keeper' - support of one's significant others can help make or break a lifestyle change.

At the beginning of this journey, prior to SP, I was basically cooking two separate meals each evening. Little by little spouse tasted what I had and this progressed into him eating what I do plus a few extras. I have a long list of food allergies and he has a need for more items 'cuz of a regular, heavy workout routine. So he gets sauces and cheeses and salads and dressing that I can't have but our main course and side dishes are the same. He is now enjoying the wide variety of 'new' foods in our diet.

Diet to me is a lifestyle UNLESS it is given a proper name as in the fad diet of the day.

Keep on Sparking!

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    About "diet"- I know!! We try not to say "diet" here because people associate that with juice fasts and eating only salad, but it literally just means 'what you eat." EVERYBODY is on a "diet," whether it's a diet of healthy foods or a diet of junk food. lol.

About the "shoulds"- she's absolutely right. Horney (I think? Darn it, I can't remember my old psych classes that well) called it the "Tyranny of the Shoulds." Basically every major theorists believed that when you start saying you should do this, or you should be a different way, it harms you more than helps you. Personally, I find that if there is something I truly SHOULD do (like exercise more), if I say it to be "I WANT to..." then I end up doing it more and being much happier about it!

I think it'd be beneficial if you started restructuring what you say to yourself about eating healthy foods with your beloved. My honey and I used to eat terribly together simply because "hey, we're dating, we can eat like slobs now." But there wasn't any real reason to avoid being healthy, and now he doesn't mind me doing what I used to do (ie, bringing a food scale to the campus cafeteria to weigh my food) and thinks it's "cute." You just need to say "it is okay."

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Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Aaron is very distracting. I keep trying to Sparkpeople, and I keep not. He's sitting next to me on the couch playing Kingdom of Amular. A minute a go he chuckled and said I was cute, kissed me on the top of the head. I'm like, well, I won't disagree, but why? He said "Because you just sighed, and laid your head on my shoulder." I hadn't even noticed either event until he pointed out that my head was on his shoulder. And the sigh was blissed out one. My head keeps getting drawn to his shoulder, drawing me away from Sparkpeople.

Anyway. This is not what the blog is about. What was the blog about? I legitimately can't recall right now.

Weight cat?

Humdee hum humm. Moo. Quack. Supercallafragilisticexpeealladocious.

I just don't know. It'll come to me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TWAYGOH 1/8/2013 1:35PM

    I think you're a dork.

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NAYPOOIE 1/8/2013 1:11PM

    I think you misspelled supercalifragilisticexplialidocious

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Reasonable Goals

Friday, January 04, 2013

As a part of my BLC challenge of LAST week (yes, I'm behind the times) I was advised to make a list of reasonable, attainable, small goals. For example, not, I'm going to lose 30 lbs this year but rather, I'm going to lose 3 lbs per month. I am supposed to fine it down to three, attainable goals.

I have to admit, it sounds boring. Saying I'm going to lose a pound a week (which is what actually sounds reasonable to me) sounds boring. Thirty pounds this year sounds exciting, especially since theoretically it should be infinitely doable. That's 2.5 lbs a month. Three pounds a month if I want to be where I want to be before the holiday season gets really into the swing of things and when I never lose, but at best maintain.

But, obviously, I need to be focused on the now. It's just a matter of terminology that makes 30 sound more exciting than 1. I have this habit with budgeting too. I focus on how much I want set aside by a certain time, and then always end up splurging now on the understanding that my overall goal will be met with greater sacrifice later. Which, of course, never happens. Just as I can't eat like a pig with the munchies now, and sacrifice later to make up for it. Does not work that way.

So, goal one: Lose 1 lb per week.

If I am successful, then I will be at my goal weight by Aug 1, just in time for my 28th birthday. That'd be neat.

Goal two: Drink enough water.

This is always a goal. I can't tell you how many times I've made it. I need to do something to legitimately help me meet this goal. I'm thinking setting my alarm on my phone for every two hours at work, and downing 12 ounces of fluid. Drink an additional 12 ounces with breakfast and dinner, and I've got what I need for the day plus some. Damn. I don't know if I believe this 64 oz of fluid a day business. That's a LOT of fluid.

Goal three: Establish a regular bedtime.

This is difficult primarily because of the honey and my own lack of will power. I have such limited time with him (this week not withstanding because I took a week off) that I hate to go to bed and end the day with him. As things stand, I can only see him for like, 8 waking hours per week on the weeks I go to see him. And that's arriving on Saturday, with no guarantee that I'll see him because he works Saturday, sometimes until past midnight. I then have to leave by 3 pm on Sunday these days if I want to drive back to my town in the daylight over windy roads. So, I don't like to go to bed. I know that this is just temporary. Eventually, at some point, we will either decide to make a life together, which means I get a lot more time with him, or we'll break up and I won't have to worry about it. In the meantime, we take what time we can. So I really should establish a regular bedtime regardless. GRRRR!!!!! Me no like sleeping! I should go to bed in 5 minutes if I'm going to start today, and he's only been home for an hour!!!! Puff. I can feel that this one is not going to happen. Especially today because I napped all day.

Puff puff puff.

I don't like will power. It fails me every time. I like to have the good stuff now, since there is no guarantee of having it later. Puff.

Hehe, I'm already feeling deprived. Wish me luck.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALGIRL80 1/5/2013 5:04PM

  you can do it. I set small rewards like a new album when I lose 5lbs etc. Best of luck.

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NAYPOOIE 1/4/2013 5:05PM

    Isn't that supposed to be "huff puff"?

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WOUBBIE 1/4/2013 10:53AM

    Meh. Sleep is over-rated.

I've been working on drinking enough water for literally years. I'm much better at it (at least I can tell when I haven't had enough and am thirsty not hungry), but I still have lapses.

One trick that worked for me at home (not at work so much) is to put a stack of Dixie cups somewhere prominent and then try to fill them all and drink them by the end of the day.

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A wall in my head

Thursday, January 03, 2013

I feel in this journey that there's some sort of wall in my head, blocking me from making right choices. I can almost feel it. For example. Today I have energy, which is not a given every day. I really should get some exercise in. But every time I think about it, my mind...stops. It runs into this wall, and just says "uh uh." I'm on vacation this week at my honey's house. I had planned to go home yesterday, because he had to go back to work today, but he asked me pretty please with a cherry on top to stay. My dad was kind enough to agree to stay until tomorrow.

But point being, I don't have my exercise clothes. I have a sports bra, and a t-shirt, but no sweats. And it's COLD out there! Not cold like some peole's cold, but cold like a sissy from a temperate climate like myself cold. Which is cold enough. AND! Aaron's friend Dan is here. Which is way cool. But, it leaves me feeling inhibited about exercising IN the house, as the house is small and he's chlling on Aaron's computer, which is two steps away from the living room. I'm coming up with excuses, but other than roller skating, which, I also don't have my roller skates, nothing is sounding appealing to me. At least I have the attitude for eating right today. Good food sounds good today.

But this wall! I keep thinking about exercising, and I can hear the thunk as I hit my head against it. The more I think about it, the sleepier I get. I slept well, but as I lie here on the couch, Sparking, I'm maybe two mental steps away from passing out. If I had a blanket over me (and there's one right next to me) I'd be gone in moments.

I think what I should do is go for a walk. I'm at a fitness level in which walking is not terribly helpful to increase my fitness, but walking is better than napping, and will wake me up so I can do other things as well. Maybe a short nap to start :p Just kidding. Sort of. We'll see.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 1/4/2013 5:08PM

    Throw your roller skates in the trunk and keep a gym bag ready to go there in too. Then keep other things out of there so you can find them.

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TWAYGOH 1/4/2013 1:23AM

    Yeah Woubbie, that's what ended up happening. Did some ab strength training for about 20. Mamahoyt, at least you got some walking in, even if at that time it wasn't as much as you'd like. I never left the house. They tell me that ST gives a better burn in the long run anyway...but I never feel like I've done what I need to if I don't do cardio. An untruth though, I'm sure. I ended up overeating a bit, but did (mostly) resist the Pringles my boyfriend ate next to me, by countering with celery for some crunch :-P

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WOUBBIE 1/3/2013 10:30PM

    If you find the answer please let us all know! I tend to just do some minimal something or other, just so I can feel that I didn't totally blow the whole day. It's not much but it helps.

Comment edited on: 1/3/2013 10:32:36 PM

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NDTEACHER1 1/3/2013 8:19PM

    It sounds like a good plan given the circumstances!

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MAMAHOYT 1/3/2013 5:07PM

    Maybe do one of the 10 minute spark videos. That way you don't have to be in the cold. I went and walked at the mall today. Still need to walk some more. emoticon

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NEWRUNNER2 1/3/2013 3:49PM

    I'm not sure I can help you with the motivation to exercise today--I'm feeling the same way and the below-zero temperatures aren't helping.

But you do need to give yourself a pat on the back for sticking with the healthy eating today. We can't do everything well every day but we can do some things well some days, right?

I hope you find a way to get in even a short bit of exercise today, even if it's just a set of stairs a few times. Is there a mall nearby that you could spend a little time walking?

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TOPCAT93 1/3/2013 3:41PM

    excercise is myu downfall too and i hate it

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Long comment turned blog

Saturday, December 29, 2012

I had originally written this as a response on my BLC chatroom, but it got way long, so I made it a blog instead.

I am a huge fan of low carb/low glycemic eating. My mom got me started when she started following Atkins for her diabetes, which it controls well (admittedly, she only has mild diabetes). My idea of healthy eating is "Primal" basically. Meats, veggies, fruits, roots, nuts, some legumes, mushrooms, etc. Dairy seems up for debate, but I LOVE milk, so it's going to be included regardless of what's decided about it. I've been sipping on heavy cream today like it was dessert.

Whole, unprocessed foods that I prepare myself basically. Does not include whole grain which makes up the majority of the food pyramid and is a relatively recent addition to the human diet. As far as I can tell, the primary benefit of whole grain is fiber, which you can get from a bazillion other sources, in larger doses. Not to knock it, because I know a lot of people can incorporate it in a healthy way in their diet, but I'm not one of them. It triggers cravings and carb bingeing for me in a bad bad way. I cannot incorporate too much carb or wheat without losing control of myself, or feeling seriously deprived when I calorie count because I'm addicted to it.

Being Native, if I didn't have a job, and hadn't been made lazy by modern conveniences like the grocery store, I'd totally go back to a hunter/gatherer way of living. My mom was looking at a list of traditional foods that my tribe ate and it's really quite varied. Not so much into the grasshoppers, but I love fish fish fish, and venison, and elk, and acorns, and berries, and traditional teas, and seaweed, and mushrooms, and crab, and clams (if my uncle fries them anyway) and, and, and...

Anyway. I always feel full of energy, my skin, hair and nails improve, I'm less moody, and without cravings when I eat like this. It's actually hard to eat ENOUGH calories because I'm so satisfied, and so I have to force it sometimes to keep my muscles and bones healthy as I lose weight. When I manage it, eating food that I love, losing weight and feel great doing it, I always wonder why I ever quit. I unfortunately always seem to. When my honey makes bread, or my grams bakes cookies, I will eat them because they prepared them. I may not bake cookies myself, or buy them, but if they're made with love, I'm a goner. Which is why the holiday season is so hard. It is very easily to kick me off course.

But, I bought my veggies, am thawing some protein, and I've eaten fairly well today. Blackberries and raspberries, mashed cauliflower with Parmesan and garlic, roasted almonds dusted with dark chocolate, celery (which I'll snack on all day). I'm completely full, and unfortunately am at only about 800 Cal, and this AFTER the addition of some mini Reese's peanut butter cups that my honey's aunts gave me for Christmas, carefully portioned out and washed down with plenty of water to remove the lingering I-want-some-more taste.

I just got done watching Fat Head, a documentary done in response to Super-size Me, where the guy eats only at McDonald's for a month, just like the guy from Super-Size Me did. Thanks for the tip Mom; it was good. But he make the right choices, avoiding the high starch/sugar foods like fries and real sugar sodas and aims for carbs of about 100 a day, a third of the recommended daily value, give or take a bit. He kept his diet to around 2000 Calories. In the end he loses about 12 lbs over those weeks and his LDL drops and his HDL rises. He continues his experiment for I think another month later on, going full low carb and gets continued good results, eating all the "bad" food according to current standards like steak, bacon and eggs, and fried cheese. Admittedly, he is an N of one, but there's plenty of evidence out there in papers and in books that concur.

I hope that I can keep things up. I'm beyond full right now. Probably the three cups of celery. I can snack on that stuff like candy. Honey is working today, which means he's not around to help me sabotage myself, though his candy lingers behind. I'm going to have to marry him just so I can cook for him. He LIKES whole foods, just doesn't usually bother to cook them himself, when I'm not here. I'll have him all day tomorrow though, so I need to watch out. He's gained about ten pounds since we started dating a year ago. He says that he's markedly happier, so he eats more, and what he eats is not the best of food. Lots of pasta, granola bars, candy, soda or sugary drinks. He eats healthy food too though, and doesn't eat a huge amount of food in general, so he hasn't ballooned, but still, in conjunction with his lack of physical activity, and the fact that the weight is all centering on his belly, I worry.

Anyway. Gonna go paint my toenails while I wait for him to get home. If I don't get back here, hope everyone has a safe, healthy, and happy New Year's!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAMAHOYT 1/2/2013 10:38PM

    Being Native and taken from our traditional foods has played havoc on our bodies. I would love to go back to traditions with hunting and gathering. I look forward to more of your blogs.

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NAYPOOIE 12/30/2012 6:19PM

    Chickie, get some almond butter to stuff in the celery. Don't worry so much about the calories as making sure you're getting enough nutrition.

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EXOTEC 12/30/2012 10:48AM

    Great blog! I love to hear this approach working for others, despite dire warnings from nutrition "experts" about low-carb eating. Good for you.

I watched Fat Head, too. I wanted it to be something I could show to resistant family members (who really need to see and understand this whole lifestyle outside of my personal influence). Eating fast food wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind! The good points he made were more related to evaluating the current nutritional recommendations and the research that led us to them. Just because something's posted (or published) doesn't give it an automatic seal of approval. Seems as though we're no longer taught how to think...much less critical thinking.

I'm very interested in your remarks about being Native, and your mom's description of traditional foods. I've had a long fascination with the acorns thing. Do you have any idea how they were/are prepared? I'm thinking you probably have to soak them through several water changes and then dry them and then mash them...or something. And (if that's correct), *then* what do you do with them? Maybe make fried flatbread? add to other recipes? casseroles? Acorns are everywhere here, and while I don't begrudge the squirrels their fair share, I'd like a sample of my own, too!

And for your uncle who loves fried clams, suggest he try coconut oil. It's stable for cooking up to about 350F, which should be plenty for delicate things like seafood or "breads" (refer to above query about acorns!).

I'm so glad to hear your "honey" likes whole foods. It sounds like it would take very little conversion to get him totally off the dietary toxin train.Then you'll both have many long years to enjoy each other. Best of luck and healthy living to you!

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WOUBBIE 12/30/2012 10:23AM

    Totally agree. Love your comment " I'm going to have to marry him just so I can cook for him." Good thought! If you control the pantry you control the waistline too!

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LIVELAUFLUV 12/30/2012 8:30AM

    Thanks for posting this! I used to eat only whole foods, and for some reason I got away from that. It's time for me to go back to that, and stick to it! It works for me!

Have a great day!


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CANDOK1260 12/30/2012 5:50AM

    Very good I love the way you write

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