Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Dieting! DIETING! That's what I was going to write about. Except wait, diet is a swear around here. Which always strikes me as silly, since I'm pretty sure diet means "lifestyle" if translated literally. Anyway. Aaron says, "Dieting does not work when you have a boyfriend who can eat whatever the F he wants." True story.
Was talking to my counselor today. I'm pretty recovered, not entirely, but fairly, from the issues that took me to a counselor in the first place. It'll take a while, but on the right track. Today was my last day with this particular counselor and so we rambled away from this issue. One of the things that we moved to was my fundamental lack of faith in myself to make the right choices. The ramifications of this were multi-faceted. Ranging from feeling too affectionate with Aaron (read fear of being clingy), to not using my time wisely, to making poor food choices. I kept putting things into terms of "I should have" or "I ought to have" which she said, by that language, was putting it in terms of self-fault. She suggests that I examine a situation or choice that distresses me, figure out why it distresses me, ask myself, if put in that same situation again would I do the same? If not, what would I do differently? Why did I make the choice that I made? LOTS of focus on, What need was I trying to fulfill? Is there another way to fulfill that need?
I notice a lot of times (not always) things that I eat are associated with being social, or with affection. Which is nothing new. People have been known to eat for this reason for ages. But for me, that's something to recognize. I eat the cookies my Grams makes, A) because they're awesome and B) because she made them. She likes to bake things for people. It shows affection. I snack with Aaron, or eat pasta with him, because these are warm, tasty, feel good sort of foods. For some reason sharing pasta seems cozier than sharing baked chicken and green beans. I'm not restricting what we share, or rejecting his chosen foods, if I eat these things with him. Feeling this way, I don't even want to begin to reject it. And I know that Aaron wouldn't see it that way, as rejection. He's totally down with whatever choice I make. And if I said, no, I don't want to eat pasta, let's eat this instead, or, let's make pasta, but let's cook the food so I can eat it separate, he'd be fine with it. Cuz, you know, he's awesome.
But I don't want that restrictiveness to be there, so I don't even try. Don't even think to try. Just, let the rest of my happy and feel good with him spill over into happy feel good sorts of foods. AndI know part of the reason that these things are happy feel good sorts of food
is because of carb addiction. Hits that pleasure spot. Hehe, maybe these things have become so hard to resist outside of Aaron time because they give the same feeling as Aaron time.
So how do I disassociate the foods from happy feel good, and focus on Aaron being the happy feel good? If the food is there, he is there as part of the eating experience, so he's not really separate from that happy feel good. It's not a matter of replacing the food experience WITH him, because, he's already there.
I put the image of me sitting next to him cuddling while HE snacks, even if I'm snacking on something else, it does not promote the happy feel good. Eating healthy foods with him does not promote the happy feel good. Just being with him without any food promotes the happy feel good, but if I add healthy food into the mix...it's just not as good.
I love Aaron. Hehe, had a break in the blogging while I talked to him about this. He says to me, if this is an issue, make me a promise. If it comes time for us to eat, and there is a healther option that we can have, we will make that choice. I don't think I can make him that promise, because I don't think I can keep it at this point.
But one thing to come out of the conversation is that maybe, if I eat right WITH him, I can learn to conflate eating well with the happy feel good that I get from being with him. Maybe, if I can make that connection, I can get the happy feel good when I eat well on my own. I know he's concerned over this issue on my behalf, because I'm concerned.
Hehe, bleh. I think I don't like having to plan what I eat. I need to get all of the things I shouldn't eat out of my house. I mean, all of them. If they aren't there, then I can't make the choice to have them without some significant effort. Say, getting into the car, going to the store, purcashing it, then making my way back. I need to have snackable goods ready at hand, but also not have more tempting snackable goods on hand that may not even taste better. Le sigh. Major overhaul of the pantry tomorrow, I think. I can't trust myself. And I NEED to have quick, snackable foods. Things that I can't make an excuse not to grab when I run out the door late in the morning.
None of these things answers the questions above. If I have learned to connect tasty bad food with Aaron, then how, until relearned, do these new healthy foods meet that need, which is, really, a need for Aaron? . . . I'll have to think about this. I don't think it can be just a reminder of him. I need something that says to me, Aaron! And gives me that feeling that I mentioned in my last blog, of happy sigh, and laying my head on his shoulder. Maybe some of the almonds he likes, or maybe one of his handkerchiefs scented with the scent he wears. He left me a spray can so I could spray it on my pillow when I wanted to, hehe. I think I might try that. I might even get a stuffed toy that I can scent and hug when I need to, feeling the need for that comfort. Or maybe as a reward or making the right choice. This all seems silly, but now that I've recognized this connection (though I'm sure it's more complicated than that) then I can reroute at least one twisted pathway in my brain. If this one gets conquered, maybe I'll be able to see past it and focus on the next.
Okay. Long blog, as usual. And I've worked one knot out in my brain at least. Goodnight folks.
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Aaron is very distracting. I keep trying to Sparkpeople, and I keep not. He's sitting next to me on the couch playing Kingdom of Amular. A minute a go he chuckled and said I was cute, kissed me on the top of the head. I'm like, well, I won't disagree, but why? He said "Because you just sighed, and laid your head on my shoulder." I hadn't even noticed either event until he pointed out that my head was on his shoulder. And the sigh was blissed out one. My head keeps getting drawn to his shoulder, drawing me away from Sparkpeople.
Anyway. This is not what the blog is about. What was the blog about? I legitimately can't recall right now.
Weight loss...fitness...the cat?....life...um...hmm.
Humdee hum humm. Moo. Quack. Supercallafragilisticexpeealladocious.
I just don't know. It'll come to me.
Friday, January 04, 2013
As a part of my BLC challenge of LAST week (yes, I'm behind the times) I was advised to make a list of reasonable, attainable, small goals. For example, not, I'm going to lose 30 lbs this year but rather, I'm going to lose 3 lbs per month. I am supposed to fine it down to three, attainable goals.
I have to admit, it sounds boring. Saying I'm going to lose a pound a week (which is what actually sounds reasonable to me) sounds boring. Thirty pounds this year sounds exciting, especially since theoretically it should be infinitely doable. That's 2.5 lbs a month. Three pounds a month if I want to be where I want to be before the holiday season gets really into the swing of things and when I never lose, but at best maintain.
But, obviously, I need to be focused on the now. It's just a matter of terminology that makes 30 sound more exciting than 1. I have this habit with budgeting too. I focus on how much I want set aside by a certain time, and then always end up splurging now on the understanding that my overall goal will be met with greater sacrifice later. Which, of course, never happens. Just as I can't eat like a pig with the munchies now, and sacrifice later to make up for it. Does not work that way.
So, goal one: Lose 1 lb per week.
If I am successful, then I will be at my goal weight by Aug 1, just in time for my 28th birthday. That'd be neat.
Goal two: Drink enough water.
This is always a goal. I can't tell you how many times I've made it. I need to do something to legitimately help me meet this goal. I'm thinking setting my alarm on my phone for every two hours at work, and downing 12 ounces of fluid. Drink an additional 12 ounces with breakfast and dinner, and I've got what I need for the day plus some. Damn. I don't know if I believe this 64 oz of fluid a day business. That's a LOT of fluid.
Goal three: Establish a regular bedtime.
This is difficult primarily because of the honey and my own lack of will power. I have such limited time with him (this week not withstanding because I took a week off) that I hate to go to bed and end the day with him. As things stand, I can only see him for like, 8 waking hours per week on the weeks I go to see him. And that's arriving on Saturday, with no guarantee that I'll see him because he works Saturday, sometimes until past midnight. I then have to leave by 3 pm on Sunday these days if I want to drive back to my town in the daylight over windy roads. So, I don't like to go to bed. I know that this is just temporary. Eventually, at some point, we will either decide to make a life together, which means I get a lot more time with him, or we'll break up and I won't have to worry about it. In the meantime, we take what time we can. So I really should establish a regular bedtime regardless. GRRRR!!!!! Me no like sleeping! I should go to bed in 5 minutes if I'm going to start today, and he's only been home for an hour!!!! Puff. I can feel that this one is not going to happen. Especially today because I napped all day.
Puff puff puff.
I don't like will power. It fails me every time. I like to have the good stuff now, since there is no guarantee of having it later. Puff.
Hehe, I'm already feeling deprived. Wish me luck.
Thursday, January 03, 2013
I feel in this journey that there's some sort of wall in my head, blocking me from making right choices. I can almost feel it. For example. Today I have energy, which is not a given every day. I really should get some exercise in. But every time I think about it, my mind...stops. It runs into this wall, and just says "uh uh." I'm on vacation this week at my honey's house. I had planned to go home yesterday, because he had to go back to work today, but he asked me pretty please with a cherry on top to stay. My dad was kind enough to agree to stay until tomorrow.
But point being, I don't have my exercise clothes. I have a sports bra, and a t-shirt, but no sweats. And it's COLD out there! Not cold like some peole's cold, but cold like a sissy from a temperate climate like myself cold. Which is cold enough. AND! Aaron's friend Dan is here. Which is way cool. But, it leaves me feeling inhibited about exercising IN the house, as the house is small and he's chlling on Aaron's computer, which is two steps away from the living room. I'm coming up with excuses, but other than roller skating, which, I also don't have my roller skates, nothing is sounding appealing to me. At least I have the attitude for eating right today. Good food sounds good today.
But this wall! I keep thinking about exercising, and I can hear the thunk as I hit my head against it. The more I think about it, the sleepier I get. I slept well, but as I lie here on the couch, Sparking, I'm maybe two mental steps away from passing out. If I had a blanket over me (and there's one right next to me) I'd be gone in moments.
I think what I should do is go for a walk. I'm at a fitness level in which walking is not terribly helpful to increase my fitness, but walking is better than napping, and will wake me up so I can do other things as well. Maybe a short nap to start :p Just kidding. Sort of. We'll see.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
I had originally written this as a response on my BLC chatroom, but it got way long, so I made it a blog instead.
I am a huge fan of low carb/low glycemic eating. My mom got me started when she started following Atkins for her diabetes, which it controls well (admittedly, she only has mild diabetes). My idea of healthy eating is "Primal" basically. Meats, veggies, fruits, roots, nuts, some legumes, mushrooms, etc. Dairy seems up for debate, but I LOVE milk, so it's going to be included regardless of what's decided about it. I've been sipping on heavy cream today like it was dessert.
Whole, unprocessed foods that I prepare myself basically. Does not include whole grain which makes up the majority of the food pyramid and is a relatively recent addition to the human diet. As far as I can tell, the primary benefit of whole grain is fiber, which you can get from a bazillion other sources, in larger doses. Not to knock it, because I know a lot of people can incorporate it in a healthy way in their diet, but I'm not one of them. It triggers cravings and carb bingeing for me in a bad bad way. I cannot incorporate too much carb or wheat without losing control of myself, or feeling seriously deprived when I calorie count because I'm addicted to it.
Being Native, if I didn't have a job, and hadn't been made lazy by modern conveniences like the grocery store, I'd totally go back to a hunter/gatherer way of living. My mom was looking at a list of traditional foods that my tribe ate and it's really quite varied. Not so much into the grasshoppers, but I love fish fish fish, and venison, and elk, and acorns, and berries, and traditional teas, and seaweed, and mushrooms, and crab, and clams (if my uncle fries them anyway) and, and, and...
Anyway. I always feel full of energy, my skin, hair and nails improve, I'm less moody, and without cravings when I eat like this. It's actually hard to eat ENOUGH calories because I'm so satisfied, and so I have to force it sometimes to keep my muscles and bones healthy as I lose weight. When I manage it, eating food that I love, losing weight and feel great doing it, I always wonder why I ever quit. I unfortunately always seem to. When my honey makes bread, or my grams bakes cookies, I will eat them because they prepared them. I may not bake cookies myself, or buy them, but if they're made with love, I'm a goner. Which is why the holiday season is so hard. It is very easily to kick me off course.
But, I bought my veggies, am thawing some protein, and I've eaten fairly well today. Blackberries and raspberries, mashed cauliflower with Parmesan and garlic, roasted almonds dusted with dark chocolate, celery (which I'll snack on all day). I'm completely full, and unfortunately am at only about 800 Cal, and this AFTER the addition of some mini Reese's peanut butter cups that my honey's aunts gave me for Christmas, carefully portioned out and washed down with plenty of water to remove the lingering I-want-some-more taste.
I just got done watching Fat Head, a documentary done in response to Super-size Me, where the guy eats only at McDonald's for a month, just like the guy from Super-Size Me did. Thanks for the tip Mom; it was good. But he make the right choices, avoiding the high starch/sugar foods like fries and real sugar sodas and aims for carbs of about 100 a day, a third of the recommended daily value, give or take a bit. He kept his diet to around 2000 Calories. In the end he loses about 12 lbs over those weeks and his LDL drops and his HDL rises. He continues his experiment for I think another month later on, going full low carb and gets continued good results, eating all the "bad" food according to current standards like steak, bacon and eggs, and fried cheese. Admittedly, he is an N of one, but there's plenty of evidence out there in papers and in books that concur.
I hope that I can keep things up. I'm beyond full right now. Probably the three cups of celery. I can snack on that stuff like candy. Honey is working today, which means he's not around to help me sabotage myself, though his candy lingers behind. I'm going to have to marry him just so I can cook for him. He LIKES whole foods, just doesn't usually bother to cook them himself, when I'm not here. I'll have him all day tomorrow though, so I need to watch out. He's gained about ten pounds since we started dating a year ago. He says that he's markedly happier, so he eats more, and what he eats is not the best of food. Lots of pasta, granola bars, candy, soda or sugary drinks. He eats healthy food too though, and doesn't eat a huge amount of food in general, so he hasn't ballooned, but still, in conjunction with his lack of physical activity, and the fact that the weight is all centering on his belly, I worry.
Anyway. Gonna go paint my toenails while I wait for him to get home. If I don't get back here, hope everyone has a safe, healthy, and happy New Year's!
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