Wednesday, December 26, 2012
I've had a hard time for almost two years now. I've put my needs off and let myself get physically, emotionally, and psychologically damaged to a significant degree. Things changed around the first of this month, and the improvement in my emotional health was immediate. Psychological, took/is taking a little bit longer. Physical has NOT been a priority.
Once I started having time to myself again, and no longer had to cope with extreme negativity that had been in my house, I bounced right back into a healthier emotional state of mind. I started smiling and laughing again, visiting with my family several times a week, enjoying work again, sleeping again, stopped crying (mostly). The first couple of weeks after such a massive change were hard, and I still cried. Still doubted that it was the right decision. I KNOW it was the right decision for me, but I've had a hard time reconciling that it was the right decision for him, even though logically I knew that it was. Time, prayer, the support of my loved ones, talk with my counselor, have all helped to bring me to acceptance of the choice made.
And as of the last two or three weeks, I've felt like a kid in a candy store, or like I'm frolicking through a field of wild flowers in the sunshine, wind blowing through my hair, hehe. There are SO many things that I loved that I had given up that I was now free to do again. The primary was spending time with my family. And for a while there, I'd be spending an hour to three hours almost every night, excepting those days I was in Grants Pass with Aaron. But, I cleaned my house, dove into organizing, slept, I'm reading every night, played video games, spent plenty of time Christmas shopping and wrapping presents, and setting up my tree, rocked out to my music, walked around in my night clothes just because I could and there was nobody else in the house to see me, took long baths without worrying about being interrupted, stayed extra time with Aaron without fearing that I'd be called home to deal with some terrible draining negative situation that could easily have been avoided. I had feared that I'd be permanently scarred by this situation, and I continue to pray that Samir won't be, but I think I'm going to be okay, after some time, and some internal reorganization.
BUT!!!!! I have not been seeing to my responsibilities to my physical self. It was a concern that I brought to my last counseling session. I'm enjoying all the newfound freedom that I have, and both I and my counselor agree that it's good that I should do so. But I'm afraid that I'm going to get into the habit of continuing to not see to the less fun aspects of life that I still need to do.
Good food was a bit hard to handle this last couple of weeks because I've been so broke, what with property taxes, Christmas, other random miscellany like renewing my cars registration, etc etc. I've had some weird luck with money, between refunds/rebates, winning $100 as a door prize, finding money I had tucked away and forgotten (some rolled coins I never got around to depositing) and Grams' giving me my Christmas money early. Plus random bits of kindness like being fed by my mom, or her buying my tire chains that I needed, or Aaron buying me a tank of gas unasked for. All money saved pretty much went to Christmas. But I also, for the last two weeks, ate only what was only in my pantry or fridge, and what was fed to me by my family, so no money spent there. But, I also didn't make the wisest choices. When I got past my fresh veggies, I moved on to my canned or dry goods, and did not make the right choices in that department. Lots of ramen, for example, was eaten over the last couple weeks. I am so so so lucky that I did not gain significantly, at this point only 0.8 lbs.
And while I went on a walk this week...that's pretty much it for exercise since things changed in my household, so for almost a month now.
In talking to my counselor, she suggested that I enjoy the time, and allow myself to recuperate. But that I set a goal as to when I wanted to start back into the routine of things, and taking better care of my responsibilities. It seemed an obvious choice to choose January 1st. It will have been approximately a month of frolicking, and it will be the start of a new year, and a new chapter in my life.
My primary question is how do I do it. I've been struggling with my weight since I was 12, or even younger, and I cannot seem to be consistant in what I do. The lightest I've been in memory is 6 pounds lighter than I am now, which is the weight I had before Samir's accident. Since I'm treating my body like crud right now, I think it'd be pretty easy to get back to that weight at least, with just starting to eat right again, because six pounds really isn't much when you have weight to lose.
And while I love how I feel when I eat right, I keep self-sabotaging. I keep convincing myself that foods I know I like will taste good. And it never tastes as good as I think it's going to. I keep telling myself that I'm going to make a lifestyle change, but can't seem to get past the point where I'm feeling deprived, even though I'm really enjoying the food that I'm eating. I always end up giving myself a treat like a last meal. And I'm one of those who blows a meal, and then blows the rest of the day because, hey, I blew the meal and I might as well enjoy myself.
I know that all these ways of thinking are flawed. Same way with exercise. I always tell myself that I'll do it later, even though I know, if I think about it, absolutely, that I will not do it later. I will not get up in the morning to do it. I will not do it after 9 p.m. I will not come home and do this and this and this and this and then do it. Which leaves me the time immediately after work, and before I do anything else, even eat dinner or visit my grandma. My schedule is regular now, so if I can just have the will, then I can do it. There's nothing stopping me but myself.
But I still don't know how to get over talking myself out of the right choices. Right now I'm jonesing for an orange soda. Luckily for me the vending machine where I'm at is not working, so I can't easily acquire one. But if it were, I'd be doomed. And it's almost a sure thing that I will stop by my grams tonight and eat cookies and drink Mountain Dew. I can feel it. And I can't feel particularly that I can or even want to NOT do this. I WANT a cookie. Damn those were good cookies.
I think designating the time after work as work out time, is good. The food, I'm not sure how to handle yet.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
The ITC for the BLC this week is to give the gift of health. They offer a list of ways that you can give health to yourself, or even to someone else, and you get points if you try to meet them. So, below is a list of ways that I am giving myself health, and how, if I did, that I met them.
1. The gift of pampering without adding pounds- do something that makes you feel good
Already met, incidentally. Spent the day with my mom Christmas shopping, and laughing, and just having a good time.
2. The gift of hydration.
3. The gift of activity with family, friends or by yourself.
This is met in the same way as number one. Time with the ones I love is the way that I pamper myself, pretty much always.
4. The gift of reflection. What do you want to accomplish with the coming year.
5. The gift of mindful eating. If you choose to eat treats pay attention to if you really like them. Is it worth it?
So far I have failed abysmally at this. And honestly, I can't seem to kick my way out of it, so will probably continue to fail abysmally at this through Christmas, and potentially beyond. I am suffering form a severe bout of carb addiction right now.
6. The gift of rest. Get a good night’s sleep
7. The gift of support. Encourage a teammate.
Done! Goodies given and comments made.
I will update this as I go with my successes, or report how it didn't happen when the week is done.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
I was sitting here, and I realized that I felt like I was in stasis, just waiting. Just waiting to get paid so I can do all these things I want to, just waiting for the weight to come off as I plod through eating right and don't get to go out and eat all these new exciting foods. I felt stuck in a rut after, like, one day.
But so I'm not off buying the rest of my Christmas presents? So I'm not working towards saving, but rather working to pay off debt? So what if I don't get to go eat Greek food? Not to sound OVERLY optimistic, but this whole mindset was one guaranteed to drag me down and what's the point in that? If I don't have the opportunity to spend money or eat out or whatever else, I now have the opportunity to do something else. What else, I don't know, but something. My time is not limited anymore, just my finances and my calories. Gotta figure out a way to redirect myself.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
Food slays me. I've been looking over past blogs from AGES ago, and seeing my ups and downs with food and stress and food and moodiness, and feeling sick and getting back on the wagon, and feeling great, but yielding to temptation.
I went through this again after last week. Because there was so much going on in my home life, both good and bad, I let my emotional state completely subsume my physical state, and just let be what would be when it came to eating. Thanks goodness I only gained a pound, between not eating, eating too much, and eating bad things all around.
Still below 160, which is pretty consistantly my plateau point.
But by the end of everything, I was just sick as a dog internally. Not debilitatingly so, but my digestion was all screwy, I was cramping, dehydrated, and just feeling blah. Tons of carby foods, mixed with fat, which is guaranteed to make me feel like crud. Hundred percent of the time, when I let myself just eat whatever, eventually I get there, and food, all food, is disgusting to me. And 100% of the time, when I get back on the wagon and eat healthy food, I feel great and fit and healthy again. Same story as of yesterday. I ate too much food, maybe 1700 Cal, but the vast majority of it was good food, with nutrients I needed, good ratio of carb/protein/fat, and real, whole food without all those additives. I ended up eating too much fat, (the fault of the almond cookies), but kept relatively low on the carbs and plenty of protein, so I'm not concerned.
But I felt good all day yesterday internally, the first day in many days. And managed to keep from self-sabotaging (already) when I thought about that. There's this Mediterranean place down the road and I keep wanting to hit it up. Which, in and of itself, there definitely can be some good option there, but there are many bad as well. And if I go do this special thing, I'll tell myself that it's okay to eat this special (read unhealthy) food, and I'll make poor choices. ALSO, between property tax being due, Christmas, and not requiring Samir to pay his last month's bills, I'm pretty dang broke. So, I'm saved from spending money I don't need to either. I brought healthy food to Aaron's, so it's that healthy food that I'll eat today.
Yay for starting out the day with a good choice.
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
So I took a week off. Both to avoid the situation at home, by escaping to an entirely different state (Oregon, vs. California), and to let myself grieve, and separate myself.
My love and my family are an incredible blessing to me. When I first moved out, my Grams let me move in with her for a few days, and let my boyfriend stay there too so that he could still visit. Since he lives an hour and a half away, and I needed to be in my hometown to discuss moving Samir out with his father, so couldn't go Aaron's way, he came and ended up crashing on my Grams' futon. Though honestly my family doesn't know Aaron that well, as we only spend limited time together and he's pretty quiet, they accepted him, welcomed him, because they knew that he was good for me and would help me, and they know that I love him and needed him.
My mom has been a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, monetary support, allowed me to escape to her house, as well as helped whenever I needed her to when I actually needed help with Samir, like reviewing documents we wrote, or fixing things that needed fixing for his care, or making sure that he got fish (which, as Yurok tribal members, is pretty important.) My uncle and cousins have come gotten Samir and me out of fixes, and my auntie has been there to cry with me first OVER Samir, and then BECAUSE of Samir.
And Aaron has been there through it all. I met him over a year ago, and we've been dating for almost a year now. It will be a year on the 22nd. He was there as Samir became progressively more unhinged, listened when I needed to talk, held me when I needed to cry, made me laugh when I don't know if anybody else could have. Never gave up on me or that I would get out of this situation, even when I didn't feel worthy, or feared myself that I couldn't escape it.
And I am so incredibly grateful for the support I've had from those who love me.
After about six days with Aaron in Grants Pass, a lot of tears, and fears, and anger, and grieving, I'm almost back home. Just writing this out before I leave work. Samir was moved out yesterday. He was supposed to be gone last Sunday to his dad's place, but then they actually found him his own place and so it took 'til Tuesday to get him moved into there. And every day was harder. I just wanted it to be done. As I was describing to Aaron, it was like waiting to have a limb amputated. You may know it has to be done, but you dread it, and the waiting for this terrible thing to happen seems unbearable, and you just want it over.
Now that it is over, I feel okay. All this negative, twisting, tension, is gradually releasing. The situation had become unbearable months ago, and the constant pressure of this festering and bloated wound was killing both of us. Now that it's been lanced it's like all the enflamed angry pain is draining away, with almost instant relief. I'm sorry for the imagery, but that's how it feels to me.
At this point, and I'm so glad, I'm just sad now. Which, it may seem odd to be glad to be sad, but the point is, I'm already past the anger, which is such a relief, because it hurt inside, and did nothing but harm.
I know, I KNOW, that Samir is damaged, bad, inside. And I think it's easy to let go of the anger because I don't even think that Samir is the same person really, since the accident. That makes it easier because I couldn't wrap my head or heart around how my friend could treat me like that, or anybody like that. He's been altered. Which, while it doesn't make the situation better, does make it easier to forgive. And if I forgive, then I have no cause to be angry. And I'm not angry now. Just sad. And it's easier to heal from sad than angry.
But oh I'm sad. His life is going to be hard. It's hard enough being paralyzed, but until and unless he heals mentally and emotionally, it's going to be even harder. But no matter how much affection or attention I gave him, I couldn't heal him. He was convinced that his physical state was all that mattered, and the emotional trauma to which he was subjected, and to which he was subjecting others, was not actually relevant. But that's not true, in either case. Until he recognizes his own damage and seeks help, he won't heal.
What also makes me sad is that he doesn't have the support I have. His family is not what I recognize as family. They say they love each other, but they're never there for each other. And they were quite happy to let me have the responsibility over him and not visit for a month at a time. He only ever saw his father and brother, and got visits from the rest of his family less than a handful of times, on holidays. His brother at least was quite UNhappy to ever take care of him physically. And while if you gave his dad a heads up he'd come through, he couldn't be counted on to see to all of Samir's needs, or put them before his own. I don't see them stepping up particularly while he's off on his own. I hope I'm wrong. I hope that knowing that I'm not there anymore means that they'll be there more, and that their family will grow stronger. I hope and pray.
I'm sad BECAUSE Samir is going to stay so angry, which is not good for him. I'm sad for the times that he's going to hurt because of choices that he makes, or because of his vulnerabilities and dependencies on other people, since people don't always come through. I'm sad over what a struggle the rest of his life is going to be.
I'm sad to have lost a friend. Not only in that we won't be associating anymore, but because he's lost to himself right now. I'm sad that he doesn't have any faith in something larger than himself, and that this world, the physical, is all he'll accept. His only anchor is himself, and he's so damaged right now that I fear, I've seen, that he won't be strong enough to hold himself together. I wish I could have shown him God and His love better, but in that I failed, miserably.
But I'm letting him go. I was not good for him. He couldn't grow with me there, and in fact grew worse because I was there. And he definitely was not good for me. There's no point in prolonging something that's only damaging to both parties. As was said in response to my last blog, and as both I and my counselor have independently concluded, it's time to grieve, and let go.
Tonight will be the first night that I stay in my house alone. Most of his stuff is purportedly moved out, according to my dad who has been housesitting. Thinking about the emptiness daunts me a bit. It's been years since I lived alone. I still have my cat. And hehe, she's really loud. So maybe that will help fill the void. But I really do think I need to start fresh in my house.
I want to scrub the carpet clean, and paint the walls in his room. Make it into something cheerful or good, like back to a pretty guest room, or maybe into my exercise room. I want to add more color to my house, reds and lavenders, pink, cheerful colors you know? I think I might get another kitten, which I've been wanting for a while now, or even another pup. My last dog ran away during all this. He was always an escape artist, led other dogs astray even, like my mom's who got led onto the highway and suffered a broken leg from it. Dumb butt dog. And I grieved, hard, over the loss of him. He was such a good dog, such a love. Always seemed to be laughing up at you, enjoying life, enjoying your company. Kind of strange, but even after all the heartache that Samir's accident caused me as I cried over him, I cried over the loss of my Kodi-bug even longer. It was the thing that made it all unbearable initially. I didn't really stop crying until over a year later, and still randomly, up until a few months ago, hoped he'd be sitting in my drive when I got home from work, that he'd found his way home to me. Hehe, I'm crying over him as I sit here typing.
It may be time again. It's been almost a year and a half. A calmer dog this time I think, than a lab. I keep thinking about a springer spaniel like my mom has, who is SUCH a love. And definitely a tracking chip in this one. I don't think I could take just losing a dog again. It would have almost been better if I'd known he'd been hit, because I wouldn't have been left to wonder. I have since concluded, somewhat forcefully in my mind, that he was picked up. He was handsome, and people love hunting dogs around here. So I imagine that he got picked up by someone seeing a pretty stray hunting dog, and adopted into their family. And I try and let it go at that.
But we'll see. Baby steps. In the meantime, I continue to pray. For me, for Samir. I think I'll continue to cry for a while. But I'll continue to strive to have faith that we'll both move on to better lives because of this.
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